Sleeping with Ghosts

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Poke it with a stick

2008-08-17 - 5:01 p.m.

Over the last year or so, I've been having a reoccurring stomach issue. Basically, it feels like trapped wind. But it's more than just gas. In fact, no matter how hard I try to belch to relieve the pressure, it doesn't help. It's always behind my diaphragm, feeling like an ever-expanding balloon. Sometimes the pressure is so great that I vomit. Sometimes, I have to vomit to feel any relief whatsoever. This is not something I want to do; discomfort drives me to it. It hurts so badly that I sweat.

The worst part of it is that I never know when it's going to hit me. It's not brought on by certain foods, as far as I can tell. It just strikes at random. It could be the middle of the night, or it could happen at noon. Pills don't help; I've tried popping Gas-X and other OTC shit as soon as it hits. It just feels like air is trapped... I don't think that is has anything to do with gas, for obvious reasons. It could last for hours or a day.

I'm seriously beginning to wonder if whatever it is has been the same thing that's tormented my dad all these years. When I describe the symptoms to my mom or dad, they both say it sounds like what he's had since his twenties. Awesome.

He just had his gall bladder removed last Monday. I just wonder if there's something I can do to make it go away on its own, cuz it's a real pain in the ass. I sure as hell don't want this to be gall bladder attacks or gall stones or god knows what. It's made me miss at least 2 days of work this year and probably 2-3 last year.

When it rains, shoot me.

2008-08-08 - 6:09 p.m.

Today, I was feeling kinda blue... Annoyed with myself and little things around me. The day before yesterday, I went to see The Dark Knight and ended up going to bed around 4am. This netted me under 4 hours of sleep before having to be at work at 8am. So, last night, I crashed just after 9pm or so. I worked at 8am again.

Somehow, I failed to see the notice that said we could wear jeans. I always miss jeans day, somehow. /sadface. We were also having a semi-cookout for charity. So, I got a grilled cheese and decided I couldn't have a grilled cheese sandwich without tomato soup (it's programmed into me from school lunches! But it's such a damn good combination). I managed to spill soup all over myself. So, with my shirt all wet from rinsing it out, I decided to spend the rest of my lunch in my car, hoping the sunshine would dry it out a bit. Then, I locked my keys in my car. Annoyance with self+1.

On my last break, I decided to get my keys out of my car by climbing through my sun roof, as I have done a dozen times before because I am dumb and lock keys inside frequently. Well, this time, I managed to slip and step on my windshield... and cracked it very nicely square in the middle.

After work, I bought a liter of coke and a 1.75 liter of rum. And some motherfucking chocolate ice cream. Let's hope I don't fuck up my day anymore than I already have, shall we?

Sometimes, it'd be better for your health to just shut the hell up

2008-07-29 - 8:38 p.m.

Wooo another period... that's almost four consecutive months now! And they're almost exactly 28 days apart! And I'm not medicated!

Yeah... Well, I think it's special :p

Having a period is so strange. It's one more of those things that (commercially) almost makes female humans seem like a separate species from males.

Anyhow, I'm still not used to actually having a regular period. Every time PMS rolls around, I get downright emo and pissy (patience is null and void, at times), and I have no idea why... Then, a day or two later, another symptom or two hit, and I just know. It's clockwork, but I'm not used to having a clock.

Every woman is different. Some women have really bad PMS symptoms, and some have none at all. Some have one or two, some have the full gauntlet. I get the emotional mood swings, then the sore breasts and backache. Moreover, all women have different periods (a lot of guys lump PMS and the period together, but they're hugely different... for one, we're not bleeding during pms--and not all women have pms!). Some bleed a lot, some spot. Some pass menses for four days, some seven. Some women are horny during their period, some aren't. Etc. Etc. Etc. I, personally, don't like it when a guy makes assumptions about anything having to do with my hormones.

Every woman has heard at some point or other, "Hur hur, why so bitchy? You on the rag?"

As a matter of fact, I'm not bitchy when I'm on the rag. I'm a complete destroyer of worlds, and I will rearrange your balls to resemble a pretzel before I'm on the rag or if I'm just in a really great mood. Hell, I almost wish I were you instead of me--then I could be an asshole all the time.

Every woman has also heard the comment something along the lines of, "Is it true that women wanna fuck more on their period?" or "Well, my last girlfriend was a nympho when she was on the rag."

That's... special. I have absolutely nothing against period sex. I don't think it's icky or gross or what have you. Some women love it! I am not one of those women--for various reasons. The number one being... I am not horny at all on my period. Try all you like, I might as well be reading a book about architecture. I have very little sensation down there the first few days of my period. Now, right before it starts... like maybe one or two days before... I'm rubbing up against light posts. During? Nada. And, again personally, something about coagulating bloody mucous doesn't strike me as particularly hot or... well, a good lube--which again, ties into the whole "every woman is different" thing. Some might have a slick mess and love getting it pounded 'til Kingdom Come. More power to them >_>; I can't even get my libido back until midway through my period.

It's said orgasms relieve cramps, too.... Damn. Even with a Hitachi Wand on my crotch, I'd barely bat an eyelash before yawning and dozing off. But that's just me!

If you couldn't tell, this subject has come up in conversation more than once recently.

And now that I have over-shared, I'm going to go canoodle a cup of tea.

Open my eyes, but I never see anything

2008-07-19 - 1:24 p.m.

Lately, my work schedule has been interfering with my ability to socialize with my friends. It's quite bothersome when you work opposite shifts with them, and when you do find some window of time to do something, it's restricted because of other obligations. Huff.

My schedule's been nearly identical every week for a couple months now. There's a slight variation here and there, but it's mostly the same.... And for some reason, I really don't like working Wednesdays. It throws off my entire week. And, FFS, if you're going to work me 5 days a week, at least give me 40 hours and make it worth my while. It's barely worth the gas to come in for a 4 hour shift on Friday.

I had a strange dream that I had made a cartoon when I was younger, and I was watching it in the present, thinking, "Wow, this was really damn good for a kid to have made." And then I had a dream that I was watching The Avengers movie. I think the Fantastic 4, Iron Man, The Hulk, and someone else in red were in it. No Thor or Cap. My dreams are silly. :x

I imagine the onslaught of super hero movies is to blame. Even the dream about the cartoon.... The cartoon was definitely about the X-Men.

Toni's cats have been driving me up the wall lately. What do you want, beasties? Shadow's on my bed right now, laboriously cleaning herself. Plato's sitting at my feet, boring holes into my head with his deathstare. Weirdos.

Hilander tastes like fruity pebbles.

Living in my head

2008-07-11 - 10:07 p.m.

I just finished putting together a cheapo bed frame I bought at Wal-Mart. Yay! Now I don't have to literally crawl out of bed everyday.

Nothing much is going on worth writing about.

I'm going to a renaissance fair with Toni tomorrow. I've never been to one, so I hope it's entertaining.

Ahh... Murrrrrrr.

I had so many plans today, and they're slipping away. Ah, well.

Fuck, I just realized that I never had lunch or dinner. All I've had to eat today was a pork chop on a bun at the cookout at work. (I didn't actually get a lunch on my shift today because it was so short.) Durrrrrr... I feel silly.

What a strange way to communicate

2008-06-30 - 1:48 p.m.

Facebook is like a cancer. It takes one cell (that is, friend) to find your profile (which may have been created one strange night to stalk your boss' boyfriend, a class A jerkoff), and before you know it, all of your mutual acquaintances hop on board like some festering lump of giveashit in your colon.

I'm not sure how to feel about people I haven't seen in ten years wanting to "friend" me on some social networking site. To be honest, I barely remember some of the names popping up in my inbox. I could do as Justin suggested and just ignore it. Like I told him, I fail to see the point of linking up with people from the past who have otherwise made no attempt to stay in contact. I wonder if these are the same sort of people who I run into in the public from time to time and insist on hugging me like I was their goddamn best friend back in the day. "Oh, my god! It's you! Do you remember me?"

What I would like to say is, "No. No, I don't. Touching me will not evoke feelings that aren't there nor restore your status on the high school totem pole of glory," but I usually get hugged speechless. It's very, very awkward when someone you hardly remember clings to you as though you were once friends. It's even better when they give you the rundown of their lives for the last ten years while you stare vacantly off into the distance, trying to remember their names. "...Didn't I have art class with you or something?"

I don't understand it. I wonder if I would be the one to initiate this ritual if I saw someone in public while they were working. Somehow, I doubt it.

But that's pretty much how Facebook is. I've made no attempts to track down every familiar face from my past. The only time I actually open Facebook is when I get one of those e-mails announcing I've been added as a friend to someone. I just got 5 of those back to back, which is why I'm writing this curious opinion about the matter.

I'm not anti-social, if you can call this socializing. I just think it's silly.

Frecklebutt

2008-06-22 - 7:59 p.m.

So, here's something strange that I was just reminded of.... I don't look my age. I'm 29, but people often guess that I'm 22-23, based solely on my looks. You'd think that since I'm a smoker, I'd look older than I really am. In the last year or so, I've noticed fine lines under my eyes... but other than that, I don't really resemble the average 29 year old American. You'd also think that stress would have caused me to age some, but I think it's all internal.

It's cool, I guess, that I'm aging slowly like my parents. I couldn't care less about vanity, anyhow, so it's somewhat wasted on me. If looks were going to get me anywhere in this world, I think that bus left a long time ago.

I've also decided to embrace my freckles. FRECKLE PRIDE. Since I'm one of those freakishly over-freckled redheads (and not a translucent redhead, like Toni), they multiply and darken when exposed to sunlight. Go, pigment, go! My anthropology teacher once said that the gene for freckles is directly related to the gene black people have which makes pigment. In either case, be it the original gene or the mutation--the freckle gene--it's a dominant trait. Sunlight makes melanin go batshit insane, but since it's only in spots for freckled folk, we burn like a mother fucker.

Now here's a word from our sponsor... freckle haters over at http://www.freckles.org/. What the fuck is wrong with freckles, anyway? Hell, I've met more people who like freckles than dislike them. I always think it's funny as hell when I've gotten too much sun and have freckles on my eyelids or lips. I suppose it's just one more thing to make people hate themselves and feel insecure. Freckles rock. At least they give my pasty ass some color.

That's my rant for today :3

An illusion

2008-06-14 - 6:19 p.m.

Nyahh... I just got back from dinner with my dad. Poor thing should have rescheduled... He went to the doctor's at 4:30 this morning because he's having a muscle spasm in his shoulder. They pretty much treated him exactly as they treated me many years ago: shot +pain pills +muscle relaxers. I didn't know about it until I came over to pick him up. Stupid Tully stiff upper lip.

I saw The Incredible Hulk last night. It was good--seriously better than the Ang Lee Hulk. Not as good as Iron Man, though. Can't wait for the Avengers movie. Hot damn, I hope that it will be fantastic. I'm not horribly excited about Captain America, but Thor could be interesting.

So, on a totally different subject, is it logical for me to be mortified that a friend sees one of my friend's virginity as a conquest? I'd say it is... considering she's not the slightest bit interested in him and the very fucking thought shouldn't be passing through his brain. This reminds me of the time Justin W. kissed Toni while embracing me. I wanted to throw up all over his shoes. Rarrr I have a penis! Watch me mark territory that has never been marked before!

This... just really bothered me, and has pretty much nailed the coffin shut of any other possibilities with this person. I wasn't entirely sure in which direction it was heading, anyhow, so this shoved me nicely onto another path. I'll admit, I was taken aback. Normally, I'm a very forgiving person, but I have this problem with being able to read people's thoughts (no, not ESP... just intuitively) and I know that for every joking/snarky remark, there's a grain of truth in the words said. It belittles me... And my self-worth is standing in the corner, bashing her head against the wall, and muttering, "What the fuck are we doing?"

do you know any lullabies?

2008-06-14 - 12:26 p.m.

I suck at sabotage. I have too much of a guilty conscience to actually go through with it, because I know it's the wrong thing to do. Hurf.

For a long stretch there, I wasn't having any trouble sleeping. Sure, I wasn't getting enough, but I could pretty much hit the pillow and be out whenever I did go to bed. Now, the last few days, I've been waking up every couple hours and angrily tossing and turning. I hate the way the mind works.

I've been sort of dazedly wandering along in life... starved for attention yet dishing it out like a good little dummy. It's no wonder I feel like a husk of a person.

trade them in for dollar bills

2008-06-05 - 8:33 p.m.

I've been doing a lot of stupid things lately. Well, no more! I'm going to be responsible for five minutes and get myself back on the horse. Hurr...

At least, in the process of being an absolute moron, I'm narrowing down things in my life that I don't like... hopefully, I'll find things I actually do like.

Next week, I'm going to try to get my ass over to my old college and audit my credits to at least finally get the AA out of the way. Maybe that will motivate me to do more! Not very likely, but it's something.

Hell, I'm tired.


where you go, I go. - 2013-03-17
leave me the way I was - 2012-11-08
Never Flicker - 2012-11-03
Sis boom bah - 2012-11-02
Like a rusty needle in your eye - 2012-08-07

lost - data