So, Tuesday afternoon, I slammed a TV into my big toe, ripping it up from the nailbed and pushing it into my toe... Luckily, it didn't rip my toenail off. However, while it was purple yesterday, it's black today. The nail is dying. Two separate people have told me that I need to lance it. The thought alone is making me ill. Then again, the thought of my toenail falling off is making me ill. The pressure from walking around on it so far today is undoubtedly making it worse, because yesterday it didn't hurt unless it touched anything (the floor, myself, the desk, the bedcovers...) yet today it's a constant pain.

Well, that was disgusting. I'm at my dad's house on my lunch. Found a needle and sterilized it... poked it under my toenail and ooze spilled forth. The needle went deep, too, which doesn't give me much hope for the nail. It's barely attached to the bed. -_- Gross. And now I get to go stand on it for 3 more hours. Woot.

--I wrote that on my lunch.

It oozed through the tissue and into my sock a bit after I went back to work. Now that I'm home, I've immersed my foot in ice-water again because it's throbbing. I'm just glad it's not black anymore... or for now, anyway. And it's stopped oozing. Walking around on it for hours makes me an irate bitch. -_- I am the master of idiotic accidents that end in self-injury.

I have been an emotional basketcase today... Downright manic. And I have zero patience. A lot of crap has been happening lately that's just rubbing my nerves raw.

But I'm hoping it's all just PMS. It would make sense, since I'm due for a period any day now. YEAH, BLAME THE HORMONES!

Vacation is next week... and although I don't get to go anywhere, I am quite excited to sleep and play and stare at the wall if it interests me. Hell, I might even visit Bry! *gasp*

Fuck, I'm too annoyed to write.

I just heard that my aunt is dying of cancer. Her body is riddled with it. I hope I get to see her before she passes, but she may not have much time left at all.

A strange thing about my family... My aunt and uncle are old enough to be my grandparents. Fay, my aunt, had white hair throughout my memory of her. My dad was the youngest kid in his family. Fay had a small herd of kids. John had a small flock. My dad had my sister and I. I have more cousins than I can remember. Second cousins... thirds... fourths? Fay's a great-grandmother. I never knew my great-grandmother or grandfathers, though I did have 2 great-aunts who passed away when I was a child.

It's sad thinking about such an enormous family as Fay's losing their matriarch. And I haven't seen her in years... Last memory I have of her is from the time she stayed with my dad and me while she was getting treatment at UK. She mended one of my coats for me--a coat I've still been wearing to this day. I think I'm her youngest niece or nephew of all the litters.

I know I should try harder to keep in touch with my extended family, but it's always in the back of my mind. I can't even manage staying on contact with my immediate family. Now I may not even get the chance to say goodbye to my only aunt.

Huff.

After a few days of getting 3-4 hours of sleep before work, I crashed last night around 12:30 and crawled out of bed around 15 minutes ago. In between, I had the strangest fucking dream that I've had in quite some time.

I'm not sure if I were actually in the dream or if I were a character in the dream. Here is what I recall:

I was living on the coast somewhere. At the top of a huge cliff by the beach, there were many houses. The first thing I saw was from a window of a house... looking down at the beach and ocean, I saw whales of all kinds in the water. Huge blue whales, pilot whales, and maybe even a sperm whale or two were being tossed against the shallows by enormous and violent waves. My first thought was, "Why are they doing that?" but moments later, it appeared that something was driving them into the beach.

That's when some monstrous necks appeared in the water. They resembled that of brontosauruses, though one could not see their bodies in the water. I have no idea how many of them there were, but they were incredibly big and were protruding out of the water at all distances. They were so tall that they could reach the houses... and they did. Their heads were slightly dinosaur-like in nature, too, but they were not gentle herbivore types... and they attacked people through the glass doors of their houses. The creatures' necks were so long that they could sweep around the houses and puncture through the front doors and windows.

This went on for what seemed like days. I kept feeling like people should be away from this already, running for their lives... But I guess they were too scared. It played out like a movie to me in some segments. I could see what was going on in other houses. A little girl was alone in one house, trying to pack up food. The threat of moving around too much brought the attention of the monsters. Green snakes would sometimes appear as one of the monster heads was lurking outside of a house. I distinctly remember grabbing one the snakes and breaking it's neck before tossing it aside.

There was some news transmission on the television about the monsters being turtle-like in body. Computer-generated diagrams showed what they looked like. Except for the giant necks, they appeared to be shelled dinosaurs. The newscast also showed aerial views of the ocean and beach. Half-eaten whales were strewn across the sand, as well as a few severed monster heads.

Finally, people were gathering to flee. We gathered into whatever cars were available and took off down narrow roads. It reminded me of the kind of roads you see in pictures of Hawaii.

I don't remember much after that but reaching some other houses that were mostly vacated, and it was night.

I blame Religulous, which I watched last night, for planting the sea monster thing into my subconscious. It mentions them for only a second while talking about the Bronze Age. And the whales probably came from seeing them for only a few seconds on the TV's at work. What an odd little scifi movie my brain put together.

I've been living in a constant state of self-doubt lately, which isn't very productive. Passively going with the flow is not a good idea when said flow may soon approach a waterfall. I don't want to reach the point of no return and be stuck in the little canoe that is my life, trying desperately to paddle away from danger. But that's where things are heading.

At the end of the month, I'll be thirty years old. I don't have the birthday blues so much as the oh-fuck-my-life-still-sucks-and-it-probably-always-will blues. I keep putting off even the littlest of things that I want to do because, between working and sleeping, I have zero motivation to do anything but be a lazy bastard. And with a constantly changing schedule, most of my free time is during the middle of the night.

It's not even lost to dumb shit like video games, anymore. Yes, I still play games, read, and write. Most of my time just evaporates into the ether when I'm online, reading over the same websites day after day. Sadly, most of my "dailies" are inane bullshit one could live without. FFS, I played Mahjong for over an hour on the computer last night. What the hell is wrong with me?

I can't focus for shit.

For all the complaining I do (toward and about myself), I haven't taken many steps to change anything. I suppose there's no time like the present.

I had a dream that I was driving toward downtown Frankfort. This isn't particularly interesting until, as I was coming off the interstate on that big curve, I started losing control of my car. One could scratch their beard and assume, "Ja, ja, dis ist a typical anxiety dream in vich du lose control because du feel du hast no control in real life." Which there could be some merit to if not for the giant fucking tornadoes touching down all over the place.

I began losing control on the road because the winds were pushing me all over the place. Later in the dream, I wasn't in my car anymore... I was simply running for cover with other people and trying to get out of the tornadoes paths.

This was maybe the second or third tornado dream I have had in my life, and I am well aware that it was an anxiety dream. As many dream encyclopedias suggest, it represents a fear of plans being utterly disastrous/destroyed or represents a fear of being victimized in an unpredictable fashion. Since I have no plans in motion or expectations (well, none that I can think of), I reckon this dream is an emotional outburst about my trust issues. I'm mortified by the thought of being hurt by anyone I trust, which has been a pattern so far, so I just don't trust anyone. I don't expect others to hurt me, but I don't completely trust them, either... which sadly has me in constant fear of being fucked over.

Being betrayed or hurt by someone close is as unstoppable as a force of nature such as a tornado... Sometimes you cannot predict it, and even if you can, you can't get away from it. There's no shelter from that kind of devastation.

Naive people would advise, "Just get over it and live your life," or "Free your mind! Taking chances is part of being human blah blah blah."

Ever pick up a hot kettle without something between your hand and the handle? Ever pet a dog that seemed friendly enough yet bit you the second your hand came near its face? As a child, did you ever stick something in an electrical outlet? None of those things are mistakes you want to repeat.

I'm all about taking risks, but I am also not stupid. Unfortunately, most human beings don't come with a caution sign.

Warning: this guy will break you under his boot heel.

Warning: this gal has the clap.

I worry too much.

My life is silly and/or pointless. y/y?

Saaa... Some things just aren't funny.

Well, my computer went kaput. Still haven't gotten a new one. I will soon, though... internet deprivation is kicking in. I have been nibbling crumbs from Toni's laptop here and there. There's not much I can do on her machine.

There isn't much to report in other areas of my life. I feel like I'm wading in still waters all the way up to my chin. Almost as though I'm waiting for a giant wave to suck me under.

Zippidyfuckingdoda.

I need a vacation. I need some peace of mind. Preferably alone, but beggars can't be choosers.

I do want to take a vacation (or two) this year. First one might not be too far away because Toni's never been to any KY parks. I'm thinking Mammoth Cave since I can get a condo pretty close to that.

Bleh, why am I still up? Gotta work at 8am.