Sleeping with Ghosts

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squees and wiggles

2007-09-28 - 1:49 p.m.

Going to see VNV Nation November 14th at the Madhatter in Covington! RARR! Happy Happy!

I'm on my lunch break, so I'll babble later.

---edit bandit---6:33pm

HUFF.

I feel like I should be talking to Travis about random shit... sorting out thoughts and filing them away, but if he doesn't wish to talk to me right now, I will honor that with my sweet-natured-passive-agressive-stupefied silence. It's harder than it sounds.

So... who's up for some EBM and me acting the fool?

Tripping down memory lane, face first

2007-09-27 - 1:20 a.m.

You are the Hanged Man

Self-sacrifice, Sacrifice, Devotion, Bound.

With the Hanged man there is often a sense of fatalism, waiting for something to happen. Or a fear of loss from a situation, rather than gain.

The Hanged Man is perhaps the most fascinating card in the deck. It reflects the story of Odin who offered himself as a sacrifice in order to gain knowledge. Hanging from the world tree, wounded by a spear, given no bread or mead, he hung for nine days. On the last day, he saw on the ground runes that had fallen from the tree, understood their meaning, and, coming down, scooped them up for his own. All knowledge is to be found in these runes.

The Hanged Man, in similar fashion, is a card about suspension, not life or death. It signifies selflessness, sacrifice and prophecy. You make yourself vulnerable and in doing so, gain illumination. You see the world differently, with almost mystical insights.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Weeee I have to work in 7 hours or something... Not a bit sleepy yet.

I'm still kinda poopy about not being able to take a vacation when I wanted, but we must sacrifice to attain other things. yadda yadda.

Have I mentioned I hate my job?

Hmm... But I have to keep working there to get the things that I want. When I'm out of things to want... I'll let up and drift.

Woo, I got sidetracked. It's 2:12am now. I was going through old back up CDs and found lots of pictures and things... Found a conversation with Rask from 2002, shortly after we became (for lack of a better word) retarded. That was fun to read.

Mau mau... time to attempt sleep!

Paperbag wasteland

2007-09-26 - 4:33 p.m.

; ; The earliest I could get a consultation appointment with an oral surgeon is at the time I was hoping to have the surgery done. Dammit. This just pushes shit further down the road. The consultation & X-rays will cost $133. Actual teeth extraction costs will depend on whether I'm asleep or awake and how complicated it will be (like if they're impacted or the roots are curved funny and the teeth have to be broken into pieces... boy, doesn't that sound like fun? My dad's still got his bottom wisdom teeth for that reason... the roots were hooked).

This is a friggin' pain in the ass considering how far ahead you have to request a day off at work. It has to be practically a month ahead of time, so what the hell am I going to do if my schedule for work is pure shit after my consultation? Pray that my teeth aren't that complicated and all will be well in one day? Unlikely. Or I could request off a month later from the consultation, further pushing back eveyrthing else I want to have done. -_- For fuck's sake.

The vacation might have to be nixed at this rate. I seriously doubt I can get a vacation during the holiday season... but who knows.

Getting one's shit together is proving to be more annoying than I foresaw. But... the way things are going on other fronts, realistically, I have all the time in the world. For a while there, I was horribly worried about time. I should just relax; I have nothing to worry about but the crap I force myself to worry about. Ought to tell the crap to take a hike while I get myself straightened out.

Ampersand after ampersand~

When all else fails, turn on Queen.

Whatever happens, I leave it all to chance
Another heartache, another failed romance
All in all, does anybody know what we are living for?

Urgh... I feel a wave of depression slapping me in the face, so it's time to stop writing.

Don't fret, precious

2007-09-25 - 3:41 a.m.

I have a headache and a funny taste in my mouth.

There, that sets the mood nicely.

I should go to bed soon, but I felt like babbling a bit to myself. I am, generally, the only person who reads this diary unless I force it on one of my friends for feedback. Anywho, wintergreen fresh!

I think I'd like to get another tattoo sometime. No idea what or where... I think I'm mostly blowing smoke up my own ass here.

So many things buzzing around in my brain that I want or need. I shouldn't add to them, eh?

I've been idly browsing apartments. I think I could afford a studio or 1 bedroom if I really set my mind to it. My dad gets to retire next year, but he'll still be working, so I'm sure he'll be able to get by at the point on his own. Right now I'm only helping out with about $250 a month--which isn't a whole lot, but it covers part of the utilities and the rest is for him to use as he sees fit.

I got into a huge fight with him earlier about politics. Ugh... It made me sound like a hippy vs. a religious nut. Funny thing is, I'm not a hippy and he's hardly religious. I hate talking about politics with him. Actually, I hate talking to him about anything because it usually turns to politics.

I spoke to my sister the other day on the phone.... And for a moment, she was sharing all this disgust for him. It almost sounded like she despised him, which I know isn't true.

I wish I saw my nieces more. I fail at family.

That's a weird thing about me. I could probably move a thousand miles away from them and it wouldn't really bother me. Sure, I'd visit them and stay in contact, but I don't have any desire to be near them. I'm quite content when my mother leaves me in peace for a few weeks at a time.

I feel like I need to do something monumental for the sake of doing it soon. The last two months have flown by and nothing has been accomplished. All this introspective bullshit hasn't amounted to anything. All this electronic chatter hasn't given up a grain of truth. I'm like a little, old person waiting by the mailbox for a letter that will never come. When I fail to see all the possible futures, the one I do not see will come. That is how it has always been.

Time to brush my teeth and sleep.

Hour after hour

2007-09-23 - 10:37 a.m.

Last night, I think my brain broke. Ugh... why am I even writing? I have to go to work in a minute. Nuuuu.... I got maybe 4 hours of sleep! I couldn't unwind and relax to save my life. Inner voice wouldn't shut off. Kept thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking until I eventually couldn't tell the difference between sleeping and talking to myself.

I'm beginning to see everything clearer, but at the same time, it's all becoming further out of reach. I'm thinking of solutions to my problem, but it will take time... and I don't have time. If only I had more time off... But I'm fucking working like a dog, and my time off sucks.

FACK.

heartbreak beat

2007-09-22 - 1:50 p.m.

I keep having the most disconcerting dreams and nightmares. First, I was lying in bed next to Travis... turned away from him and crying. I don't remember much of that dream, though I think we'd just made love? I hate my brain sometimes. I really do.

In the dream after that, a giant auditorium/opera house was filled with people, though no one was on stage yet and the lights were still on. I think I was alone, but I can't recall... it actually felt like someone was urging me along. I made my way down an aisle and sat down next to Travis. I don't know how I knew it was him, but that seemed to be the reason why I was there. As he was facing the other way, I was fidgeting relentlessly and silently praying that he wouldn't turn around.... When he did, and recognition dawned on his face, I wanted to melt into my seat and disappear. It was so surreal. I don't remember his reaction that clearly, aside from him being surprised and asking me if I was me.

I blame Candice entirely for those dreams. :| Murrf.

The dream after that somehow involved work or working with the people in the back of the store. But we were doing some sort of construction...? Each of us had a kit to put together some piece of furniture. I was making a real mess of things, which really embarrassed me because I wanted to do a good job and be the first one finished.

In another dream, which might have been part of the last one, a bunch of people were trying to capture someone. I think. They were trying to anticipate where a jet was going to land in this very Floridian condo-filled neighborhood. I think it was all part of some training scenario for some gov't agency. I'm not even sure if I were actually in this dream anymore or if I were just watching it.

In between these dreams, I had a super-bizarre one about some highly evolved woman bringing something or other to humanity. Something about a red bird... chickens... Pepper boxes that were actually alarm clocks set to go off in cabinets and make you drink liquor from the cabinets. I do not know.

In the last dream I remember, I was driving through Atlanta with some people. I think my mother was there, as well as a girl from work named Annie. One of them was looking for a Wii. There was a storm on the horizon, and everyone freaked out when I pointed out the forming twisters.

And that's all from one night of sleep. That's what happens when I have a lot on my mind and get to wake up all on my own, without the aid of an alarm clock. I only slept 8 hours, too, but I must have been out like a light the entire time.

All of those dreams sure beat the bullet in the mouth dream, hands down. No more nightmares, please.

What's in your head?

2007-09-21 - 11:27 p.m.

Holy shit. My schedule 3 weeks from now doesn't suck. I think I may faint from shock. I wish my schedule were always like this one looks... It's just amazing.

In other news, I'm off tomorrow. I might finally take my car somewhere to have the exhaust fixed. The rumbling of the muffler is just a tad too white trash for even me.

So, first thing: fix car.

Second thing: make dentist appointment.

Third thing: get wisdom teeth removed during that glorious week I have 3 days off in a row.

It's amazing how much I rely on music to calm me down.

As for other business.... aksalsgj I'm so confused. I'm torn, really. I wanna curl up somewhere and stop time. I still haven't looked into that vacation. Still not sure where I would go, though I am considering some place much further than what I originally planned. I could even fly... I'm willing to spend a bit more on myself for a fucking week away from work. My nest egg is back up to a nice number now (like I'm ever going to nest... sure), so I might as well spend it on something worthwhile. I've never been further west than Arkansas... and that doesn't really count because Arkansas sucks ass. I was really hoping for either the ocean or something else scenic.

Ooo Erasure just came on. I'm so in love with you/I'll be forever blue/That you give me no reason/Why you're making me work so hard~~ I think I'll watch some Steel Angel Kurumi now.

I don't want to remember

2007-09-21 - 4:01 a.m.

I had a dream that I was shot in the mouth... the bullet went through my palette. For a split second, I felt blood rush into my mouth and tasted the coppery-salt flavored fluid... And then I blacked out and woke up.

I keep tonguing my palette even now.

Goddamn, I have some fucking awful nightmares. Makes me not want to sleep.... Which isn't fair, because I love sleep. I can't find my dreamcatcher =(

I think I might go look for a pet some time soon. Maybe just browse. Gotta get that vacation first, tho.

I am my father's son

2007-09-15 - 5:32 p.m.

In early 2001, I won a Dreamcast at work through a drawing at a morning meeting. I won it out of a contest including all the employees in from all the media departments in the district. That's quite a large pool of people.

I wasn't remotely interested in buying a Dreamcast, so if I had not won one, I would not have owned one. I had maybe 2 games when I stocked Phantasy Star Online at work one day. If memory serves, I thought about buying it, but decided against it when my sister asked what I wanted for my birthday. I showed her the game, and she ended up giving it to me a few weeks later.

A couple months pass before I touched the game. When I finally picked it up and played it a bit, I got to level 4 or 5 before I considered actually playing it online. Still on dial-up, so all I needed was a splitter and a phone cord to reach from the wall to the Dreamcast. 15-20 feet. I could have bought one at work for pretty cheap, but I didn't. A while later, my dad came into my den with a long phone cord in his hand. He had a huge supply of random office junk from the job he'd been laid off of a few years before. After they closed the office he worked at, the company moved all of the supplies and junk to the house. He worked out of his den for a couple years before that work dried up completely. All the office stuff became his.

So, I actually got online with PSO sometime in May of that year. Not sure when I first met Rask~Saru... I only vaguely recall coming into a game with him and a couple other people. Several ships to choose from, dozens of levels to choose from, dozens of rooms to pick... and I picked that one.

Eternal Sunshine.... I watched it again the other night. It made me think about finding the beginning and a reason for all the insanity that followed. I don't believe in coincidences. I like to think there's a reason for everything and that everything happens for a reason. Everything happens as it should, and it cannot happen any other way.

In other words, I'm just going to mark this all up as some learning experience and go on with my life. If I think of it in other terms, I'll read too much into it and it will consume me. If I can get my shit together, this little relapse will seem like a bad dream. Maybe, in time, I will not feel guilty when I listen to someone else sleeping.

Remember that vacation I mentioned a while back? The idea is still kicking around in my head.

the void opened up

2007-09-14 - 2:11 a.m.

I'm going incommunicato for a long while. If you need me, you know where to reach me. There might be more... might be less. I don't know. I won't be checking email or using instant messengers or anything like that. Just can't deal with this right now.

Indigestion of the highest order

2007-09-13 - 3:25 p.m.

Gotta work in 30 minutes. Well, less than that, really. Have to leave in 20 minutes. What a shitty day.

Candice messaged me last night, and talking to her helped me somewhat. I just need a quiet reprieve from the world. I can't stand being angry. I don't cope very well. If I could take some "soma holiday" from it, I would... but it would probably still be there when I sobered up. I want to go back to bed and just fucking sleep.

Guess I should get dressed now.

Someone to talk to

2007-09-13 - 2:00 a.m.

Bloodlust... Greatest high I've had in a long time.

Anyhow... I'm getting increasingly angry and short-tempered. I think it has something to do with life in general... Could be that my cat died. Could be that I'm stuck in a shitty job that I hate, working with idiots and customers who deserve to be shat on rather than serviced in any way. Could be that I never get to see my friends because my schedule is fucking retarded, and I'm too tired or unmotivated to do anything on my days off. Could be that Travis came back into my life with some "I love you" bullshit and this other talk all while telling me about his blind dates and getting shitfaced and then flat out changing his mind and giving up. Well, fuck.

The latter is probably the most infuriating. You don't tell someone you love them and then say, "Eh, nevermind." I'm dying here. You asshat. I just love hearing about your blind dates and your being taken out to drink. Makes me perk right the fuck up and want some of that! Why, I think I'll go fuck one of my friends and tell you all about it! Won't that be fun? We can bond.

Like I said, I have no idea where all this hostility is coming from, but I want to go outside and scream and then punch someone in the face.

To top it off, Vic's been in a godawful mood, and I feel responsible, though he'd never tell me... Even if I drug him through razor blades and lemon juice. So, basically, I'm alone and angry and fuming over stupid shit... 2am. No one to talk to and wide awake.

I miss my fucking cat. Now my eyes hurt. Goddammit.

Goodbye, Morg

2007-09-06 - 11:11 p.m.

She died while I was at work... around 7pm.

They don't beat.

2007-09-06 - 3:41 p.m.

In another life, I'm a little housewife... puttering around, making dinner and muffins. Keeping everything orderly, and writing in my downtime. Handling the bills, walking the dog, and gardening. Hmm. I wonder who she married.

Morg is still here. The deathwatch is keeping me in a sour mood. It's anchored me back down to earth... I can't fantasize about loves lost or loves reunited or all the possibilities open to me. All I can do is look forward, and forward is shrouded in fog. If I outstretch my arms and reach into it... I wonder what will grab me.

Gray whisper

2007-09-04 - 11:36 p.m.

My cat is dying. It's a sad thing to watch... Especially having been through it before and knowing how fucking awful it's going to be when she does go.

A few years ago, when the Snowball Twins died, I held one of them in my hand (I think it was Yuki... it was hard to tell them apart in their old age) as she died. That sort of thing stays with you. It's hard to describe if you've never seen death up close... Though it's not really about seeing so much as feeling.

Just two years ago, I held Zillah in my arms for the last time as he was euthanised. There's something deeply profound in feeling life rush out of a creature that was your companion and friend. Deeply profound and deeply crushing.

And here's Morgana, hiding under my desk in the shadow of her guardian. It's hard to believe that I've had her since I was 13. Poor, old kitty.

Is it because I lied...

2007-09-04 - 4:09 a.m.

I haven't been using this lately, but sometimes I stream some music here. Bookmark it and maybe I'll use it some day! It's on right now >_>;


My brain is melting. Been watching Heroes for a few days. Finished HP the other day. Work... or rather my shitty schedule is draining me of any will to give a shit about anything. Frustrated with everything. Going zombie mode just so I don't maul people with my car.... not fun.


Maybe it's just hormonal, but I feel like knocking myself out and sleeping in the mud. WEEEEEEEEEE.... Can I go back to being numb now?

That aside, things are quickly going nowhere. Hrm.

If you wanna be my lova

2007-09-01 - 4:13 p.m.

God, I have weird dreams. Something about waiting in line at the premiere of a Tim Burton/Johnny Depp movie where they were both attending... And then later, something about fucking in a pick-up truck. What the fuck, brain?

My ears itch.

Just started my second period in a row! Holy shit! Must be the end of the world or something. That's... let me think. 1 year without one, then about 6 months with one each month on medication, then 4 months without one while out of medication, and now 2 months in a row with one w/o medication. I'm on a roll. If I can keep this up, I am so avoiding the doctor as long as possible. PCOS be damned!

I learned a good lesson yesterday: never forget to eat something after you get home when all you've had to eat all day was half a small bag of cheetos. That's what I did Thursday... and it never even occurred to me until I woke up Friday morning completely ravenous. Low blood sugar was giving me nightmares. I was tired as balls but starving. So, being ever the wise one when I'm half-asleep, I made ham and eggs. BAD IDEA. I went back to sleep for an hour or two and woke up with such a tummy ache that I thought my insides were going to force their way out of my nose. No vomiting, just bloated to the point of wanting to jab a hat pin in my gut. Icky pinkstuff tastes icky. It managed to calm down before I went to work, thank goodness.

Morg's going downhill pretty quickly, it seems. She's getting frail, and it seems like she's laboring to breathe. Last night, she straight-up refused to leave my room when I was getting ready for bed. She normally always obeys (she knows quite a few words and tones for a cat. All I have to say is "out" and she usually gets out of bed and wobbles out of the room), but last night, she just stared at me. I managed to scoot her over (much protesting at that), so I could read for a few hours. Eventually, when I was on the verge of passing out, I had to carry her to the sofa in the den. She was so light.

Not to sound morbid or anything, but I keep expecting for her not to show up one day, and I'll find her hidden behind something.... Yeah.

Things could be worse. I could have a Spice Girls song stuck in my head.

Tweedle Dee

2007-08-28 - 3:07 a.m.

Hmmm... it seems my dad has a few weeks available in his Tymeshare. And here I thought he'd forgotten he offered me the next week when he took a vacation earlier this year. I found out he had more time banked when he mentioned maybe going to Florida next January... if I wanted to. But I've sworn off traveling with my dad ever again... Unless there is no driving involved. Toni probably still has nightmares about that. Fucking awful.

So...

I'm looking through RCI booklets and the website right now, trying to figure out where I'd like to spend a vacation. I'm thinking Tennessee in October or November... in the Smoky Mountains when the leaves are turning. When Toni and I drove to Florida a few years ago, we went through the Smoky Mountains and it was unbelievably gorgeous. Breathtaking, really. Hmmm, I'm starting to daydream just thinking about it. A whole week of seclusion. Peace and quiet.

I hope I can plan this just right and get the time off from work.

mew mew mew

2007-08-27 - 1:44 p.m.

I had a few dreams this morning. One was about snuggling on the couch and napping... Another was an anxiety dream about my face being horribly, uh, gross? Something about bumps and oozing... I've had a similar dream before. They make me wake up and go to the bathroom to see if I still have a human face. This dream also had other disgusting things in it; there were ticks and fleas and things in my hair. I woke up itching all over after that one. *shudder*

The last dream I remember was all about cats. Cats seem to be a re-occurring theme in my dreams for the last few years. This dream involved about three mama cats in a house or something. Each of them had a few kittens. I think one of the mama cats was Shadow, who is Toni's cat and was Zillah's mommy. A little, fluffy, orange tabby was in there, too. I wanted to take that one for myself. Murrr.

I'm very aware that all these cat dreams have something to do with my stress about fertility and being normal. They could also be the first trickling indication of my biological clock beginning to tick louder. If that's true.... Fuck you, Mother Nature.

innocence, pass me by

2007-08-25 - 5:33 p.m.

I'm taking steps to finally getting braces. I feel like I have enough money to do so now, and I've meaning to for a long time. I'll probably have to see a dentist and then a dental surgeon to have my wisdom teeth extracted. I have no idea how much that will cost, nor do I have dental insurance (which I did look into at work, believe it or not... and I'd have to have had the insurance for a year before being eligible for it to cover what I need). FUN TIMES AHEAD!

After that is all sorted out, I might return to my gyno and get my prescriptions renewed so I can be remotely human again. Woo. We'll see about that >_> Fucking doctors.

I wish there were someone to motivate me to do this shit more often; otherwise, I generally just piss and moan about it... and it never gets done.

I've also been thinking about rejoining a gym (if I get back on the prescription I'm supposed to be on... otherwise it's an impossible up-hill battle). But I get pessimistic when I think about that since I work all the damn good hours of a day. I am not a morning person.

I think maybe I just want to better myself in some way... for myself. I don't think I could go on as how I am now for the rest of my life. And it's not all for superficial reasons. Fixing my teeth would probably stop this weird ear thing I've had going on for the last 2 years. (I think my wisdom teeth are pushing on the canals to my ears. Going back to the other doctor isn't even a superficial thing... I genuinely need to go for my health. The possibility of joining a gym or even getting into a regular exercise habit would probably make me feel better in general. (Even if I just wind up gaining muscle but not losing "weight," which is usually what happens when I exercise.)

There are also some piddly and purely shallow things I'd like to take care of... things that bug the shit out of me while no one else even notices them.

Man, I wish I could take a nap....

it's easier for me to get closer to heaven

2007-08-24 - 11:53 a.m.

Sometimes all you can do is turn the volume up and let David Bowie fill the entire room so you can't hear yourself think. No matter how loud I sing "Moonage Daydream," my mind is only fixated on one thing. There's a constant hum in the back of my mind; it's inner chatter, and it's driving me a little crazy.

Screaming it over and over and over.

So many lyrics pouring back and forth over my tongue... sloshing about like the drugs I crave so badly to escape them. Eh, Filter just came on with "It's Gonna Kill Me." GO, WINAMP, GO!

So, I work in a few hours, then it's back to sleep, then work again in the morning. That will serve as a good distraction, for once. Despite all the hours I've had to myself, I haven't really been thinking about what I should be thinking about. My brain probably couldn't handle it if I tried... it would rather just throw images and thoughts into each other as broken glass in a collision. I've just about had my fill of that, though.

Oh, you can't take anything with you... except the...

No, winamp, stop being sappy.

In lighter news, I saw Stardust yesterday with Toni. It was much better than I feared. I had this dread that it was going to be awful because I wanted it to be good. Happy to report that it was good.

I also borrowed Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows from Toni. Started reading it last night when I couldn't sleep. I'm about 100 pages deep. (Even being exhausted, I didn't fall asleep 'til around 3--which is still early for me... Then I woke up every few minutes all morning WEEEE.)

Okay, fuck you, Winamp... what is this "With or Without You" business? What did I ever do to you?

I'm going to shave my head and become a monk now. BBL LAWL.


where you go, I go. - 2013-03-17
leave me the way I was - 2012-11-08
Never Flicker - 2012-11-03
Sis boom bah - 2012-11-02
Like a rusty needle in your eye - 2012-08-07

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