Fucking sick of vertigo. Literally. I've been having dizzy spells all day (didn't help that I slept maybe 3 hours), so I checked my blood pressure at work. 145/95. It's never been that high in my entire life. As you can imagine, I've felt icky all day.

Probably just fighting off infection. 'Least, I hope that's all it is. Pain is minimal from the wisdom holes. I take something for it once a day, when it hurts the worst.

Gonna go pass out now.

I'm beginning to wonder if I'm going through a period of numbness or apathy like I experienced in my early twenties, or if it's just the onset of cold weather and a week of rain that's making me not give a damn about anything.

Without going into great detail about my mundane life, I'll just write that I haven't felt like myself for the last few months. I think it started going downhill in the summer.

There are things I should be happy about right now, and I'm not. There are things I should be pissed off about, and I'm not. There are things that should be motivating me to do more, but I am not. I guess I see it all as pointless. I know that it reads like a commercial for HAPPY PILLS�, but I've been through worse than this... and never been medicated for it. I'm not saying I'm proud of that; I'm just saying that I have dealt with worse depression than this and lived through it.

Maybe it has something to do with the stage of life I am in. See, I'm ready to wander from the flock... stray from the herd... leave the nest. But there's no where to go. Wherever I go, I'll just be alone. While I look forward to getting away from the dump that I live in now, and I look forward to having my own place to make my home, I will be alone. That's just how I am, though. I don't couple up, I don't have flings, I don't date. People in my life used to try to push me into that, but they eventually gave up and don't bring it up in conversation anymore. Still, there is that sense of loneliness. I have no one to share my dreams with or for whom to make dreams come true.

Wow, here I am waxing self-absorbed and it's 2am... I have to work 8:30-4. Guess I should just try to brush this off and get some sleep.

Mommy brought me soup from Quiznos, and it was so gooooooooooood... Nom nom nom. And then, she went out and came back with ice cream ; ; Oh, man... why does everything taste so good? Probably because I haven't really eaten much since Tuesday, I guess.

On Wednesday, I had a sorbet and tomato soup (took me an hour to finish the soup... then I had a cup of pudding, which also took an hour to eat). Tried to eat some ramen noodles that night, but ended up putting those in the fridge. So, on Thursday, I had ramen noodles and a sorbet. Today, I've had soup and a tiny cup of ice cream. That's more than likely all I will eat today.... though I might have another cup of ice cream or pudding or something later.

She just left because I told her it was nap time, but I don't want to nap. I haven't taken a hydrocodone yet, because I am so sick of sleeping. But my jaw is starting to ache. I don't like the pain pill too much. It wipes me out. No pain, no emotion, not much of anything. Like an empty plate.

I wonder if I'll be up to working tomorrow morning. Feeling as weak as a kitten and as loopy as a clown do not make for good driving, no?

The left side of my jaw feels funny. I'm probably not making much sense right now, but I'm sure this will be amusing to read to myself later. I realized this morning that I hadn't taken a shower since Tuesday night... lol. Don't worry, though! I am fresh and clean now!

Icky blood/plasma taste in my mouth combined with undercurrent of pain and too much medication in my system=one fucked up Fyxcicle.

Awww... crap, my phone battery is dead.

If I weren't such a hardass (and completely fucked up on 1 painpill), I'd probably be whining my head off right about now.

Oh, there's no question... this sucks. I did wake up rather sore this morning, around 9am. But I promptly went back to bed after taking all my pills and bringing an icepack with me.

I think that muscle spasm a few years ago tops this, though. You remember...? I felt like my arm was trying to rip itself off of my body. And I didn't get any drugs for 3 days of that hell. Yeah... that makes this pain I feel, which is slowly throbbing under a constant dose of loratab, feel like a fucking cakewalk.

Unfortunately, I can't really function with all the drugs in my system, and I'm taking the lowest dose possible. I can see how people would grow addicted to this stuff... It detaches you from feeling anything too deeply--physically, emotionally, or otherwise. Just about the only time I feel sad is when I lie down to sleep, but even that melts away when my face is against a towel-wrapped icepack.

I had strange dreams about people lying around me, against me, as I slept. I kept hearing doors opening and closing in the house, though no one was home. I heard acorns raining on the rooftop from the oak tree outside my bedroom. I think it actually rained at one point. All very soothing.

Now it's time to attempt that eating thing again.

Other working titles include: "Thank God for Loratab" and "If You love Me, You will watch over me while I spit."

So, Toni took me to the doctor this morning for my wisdom teef. They gave me laughing gas and hooked me up to all these monitors and stuff. To be honest, I think it took quite a while for the nitris to kick in. I was totally aware of everything going on around me... And then the nurse started digging around in my arm for a vein and I wanted to punch her >.> After they started the anaesthesia drip, I finally zonked out. During the surgery, I could hear the doctor and nurses talking, which was really odd. And I was vaguely aware of them hovering over my face--not because I could see them, but because I could sense their silhouettes blocking the light over me. As I gradually came to via oxygen, I was mumbling at the drug nurse and amazed at her ability to understand me. I guess she's heard it so many times that swollen-mouth-slur-mumble is like a second language to her.

Seems like it took me forever to come to. The actual surgery only took about 30 minutes... the rest of the time was them trying to put me to sleep and then trying to wake me up :x Went in at 8:15 and left at 9:30? Is that right, Toni? Somewhere in there, my mom decided to drop by the office. -_- Poor Toni had to suffer through that. That's part of the reason I lent you my DSlite. Trust me, you deserve it.

Anyway, after rolling me in a wheelchair out to Toni's car, we drove to the pharmacy and picked up my drrrrrugggsssss, but not before I hauled ass the the restroom so I could spit out a mouthful of blood. So... nasty. On top of the bleeding, the cotton balls in my mouth that were saturated with blood and saliva were making me gag. I have uber-gag reflex on certain areas of my tongue, and the gauze and stuff just happens to be rubbing right up against those areas.

The novocaine has pretty much worn off now. I took a nap after I got home and Toni watched me to see if I'd have a negative reaction to a hydrocodone (generic loratab) tablet. I just crawled into bed fully clothed and imagined I was resting my head in someone's lap and the someone was petting my hair. (Shutup, I was so out of it... it's a wonder I didn't demand Toni hug me.) My lip is a bit tingly on my left side, but that's normal. I'm beginning to feel the pain, too. I took another hydrocodone a minute ago. I'ma take the gauze out soon since the bleeding has stopped and the gaggy feeling needs to go away. Then, I get to search for food! JOY. I have absolutely no appetite.

It's going to be a fun couple of days. Wish you were here~ OH OH... While I was coming to, I thought of a really great tattoo idea. Hmmm.... I'm not telling, though.

I've got a pounding headache, and I can't get the song "Rollergirl" out of my head.

You might fall in love with someone else today
But I will always love you, anyway
You might fall in love with someone else today
But I will always love you, anyway

repeat repeat repeat

It'd be nice if this headache would go away, especially since I'm going over to see Thomas' place in a few minutes. Haven't seen him in almost 2 years. We're gonna watch Heroes together, then hit up some cheap and questionable eatery!

My other associated friends whom I haven't seen in that long, Chris and Bryan, just had a baby a few days ago. Wish I had their address =(

Bry turns 28 tomorrow. Surreal, isn't it, Fuzzybutt? But don't worry... it feels just like last year and the year before that.

Go away, evil headache of doom ._.!

Murrf, guess I should go change out of my work clothes.

OOoo! Look at me being all productive and getting shit done!

Yeah, so, I had my muffler and a couple other parts replaced on my car yesterday. Dropped $160 bucks on that but drove away happily with a quiet car. Vroom vroom no longer going BRRRRRRRMMM GRRRRMMMM. Very nice.

Then, today, I had my appointment with the oral surgeon. Dropped $133 for that consultation and some X-rays. The doc said my wisdom teeth and roots were normal (thank the gods, I was worried I'd have some screwed up curvy roots like my dad... He tried to scare me with horror stories of having my teeth broken before they could be extracted. Asshat). They can extract one cleanly, but the others will require some soft tissue cutting. It will come to $1133 total, including anaesthesia. Now, I just need to find someone to drive me next week. /stare /stare.

At the moment, I am making tacos and rice. Mmmm. Cooking is very relaxing. I should do it more often.

I'm feeling much better for the moment.

Well, at least physically.

I'm trying to process too much at once and my mind is failing me. Money, appointments, wanting to get back into things I used to enjoy (such as painting and writing fiction), health, getting the fuck out of my dead-end job, men, the future in general.

Oh, Future, you bitch... always coming along too fast and not fast enough. One thing at a time! Less confusion and being torn, please.

I would have a mini-coma right about now... if I didn't have the urge to pee every five seconds.

And what the hell at my dad talking about going on a cruise in a couple years? Talk about random.

My biggest concerns right now:
wisdom teeth
car
getting the hell out of here ASAP

The last is actually the biggest headache. It is the sum of all my burdens. It is entirely dependent on me continuing to work and save money and not lose my mind. I want to get out of here, you see. Out of this house, out of this city, possibly out of this state.

Today, a girl at work innocently asked, "Have you ever wanted to just get in your car and drive? No destination--just drive and see where you end up?"

"You have no idea," I replied. Preferably, I'd end up some place with a big bed and no alarm clocks.

I have no idea why I am still awake. Tired as hell, though I did take a little nap earlier. Should sleep soon. Guess I'm afraid to lie down and face the rampant thoughts and lonely body pillow. Ugh.

Murrf... I didn't sleep as well as I had hoped I would. After crashing at 10pm, I woke up around 2 with the urgency to pee. So, I peed... then I flopped around in bed for an hour. Stomach was hurting a bit. As is customary when I don't feel good, I decided to take a shower. Fell back to sleep around 5am. I got about 8 hours of sleep, but wasn't well rested this morning....

I went to work, feeling like I had to pee constantly, and I was beginning to ache in my lower back and pelvis. The longer I was there, the worse it was getting. Eventually, I just decided to come home from work when it was time for me to go to lunch. And here I am.

I haven't had a UTI in a very long time, so I'm always aggravated to hell when something unfamiliar happens to me. The girls at work and one of my bosses suggested some things to me, and I bought some cranberry juice (yuck yuck gross yuck) and Azo. If it doesn't go away within a few days, I'll go to the doctor. Let's hope it just goes away on it's own... but I feel like shit.

I know a few women who have to deal with UTIs all the time, and all I can say to you is, "OMFG HOW?" This is only my third in my entire life, and I want to crawl under a rock and die. I'm not prone to this sort of thing... I've never even had a yeast infection. How the fuck do you people deal with this crap? I'm usually not a pussy about pain... unless it's annoying, then I'm a whiny bitch... but this is just evil.

It's times like this when I need a pool boy to pamper me.

BRAINZZZZZZ.

It's gonna take a bit for me to adjust to these morning shifts. Actually, they wouldn't be so bad... if I have more than 9 hours between them. Jesus Christ, I got home at 11:30 last night and had to be back at work at 8am. Sooooo sleepy.

Meh, I dun care. 1 more day before my 3 day break >:D I'ma wear nothing but PJs for three days. It's going to be awesome. Oh, and I might finally get my car fixed... yeah, gotta remember that.

mewrf.

I have a feeling I'm going to sleep really well tonight. Mmhmm.

I feel ugly.

You ever have a perfectly nice day--you wake up in a good mood, and nothing in particular is bothering you? In fact, you actually feel pleasant and shit that would normally bother you just bounces off your good mood force field?

So, that's how my day was going yesterday... And then I got home from work. Out of nowhere, I get a case of the uglies. We're talking full-on "why don't I just walk around with a paper bag on my head?" And every little thing about myself pisses me off. BLEH. I wanna rip my skin off and wander around like I just walked off a Hellraiser set.

And in other news, 3 days off next week! Oral surgeon appointment! 3 days off the following week!

I never did make up my mind about that vacation, so I guess I'll just put it off for some other time... even if my job is driving me insane. Money is good. Other than my bills, I'm trying not to spend anything. I know the wisdom teeth thing is going to cost a lot right out of my pocket, but I'm comfortable with that. And I have been saving all this while for that and other things I have in mind.

My nest egg, as it were, is about to be put to use. Seeing as I won't be nesting in this lifetime, I'm also comfortable with that. Nesting is for birds, after all.

My mom keeps pestering me about getting another cat. It's too soon for me at this point, so I wish she'd shut the hell up. What business is it of hers, anyway? I know that she's probably thinking somewhere in her pea-brain that browsing for cats with me will be some quality time or some shit.... I'd rather chew on my own heels.

And on that note, it's time to go to bed all ugly and miserable! Fun times.

I was sitting in the back of a car. I think I had been sleeping and was just waking up to find that we (whoever I was with--I never saw them) were at our destination. I want to say it was somewhere in Florida, parked right outside a condo/apartment complex. As I was waking up, I saw someone walking around the corner and directly toward the car. He nonchalantly got inside and turned around in the front seat to face me. My pulse was in my ears, and I was trembling so hard that I'm sure my teeth would have been chattering if my mouth hadn't been agape. I don't remember saying anything or what he said, but he touched my eyelid at some point. I woke up immediately afterward ... With that nauseating feeling of deja vu.

I keep dreaming about this subject over and over and over. Tormenting me. Why's my brain so mean? D:

I had other dreams, as well. Something about being a diplomat in Iran and jumping from a balcony to another building. And then there was a dream about my mom being disgusting, which led to me packing up and leaving.

Murrr... So hopeless. Every stupid dream renews interest in aspects of my life which I have no control over. Until I do something about them or I accept that they are lost causes, I will continue to dream about them. I'll never be able to move on, the way things are now. To be honest... when it comes to that one little thing, I don't want to. That's the reason my brain keeps torturing me with it.