Huff. I keep accidently breaking crap.... First, my computer speakers' plug and then my microphone. I ripped the latter's cord right in two. Win.

Aside from unpacking and piddling around the apartment, I've just been working a lot and not getting enough sleep. Well, I got a fair amount last night, but I haven't caught up yet. Ducks quacking outside my window woke me up today. I hear geese now.

The last few weeks have been so surreal that I feel like I'm caught in a never-ending fever dream. Strangely, moving out has nothing to do with it. It's people and communicating with them that is tangling me up like a fly in a web. Not much else I can write about that... I've been stuck trying for the last 20 minutes.

I need to buckle down my wallet and be uber cheap for a while. I've spent entirely too much money lately, and I feel horribly guilty about it. My car's transmission is acting lame and will probably leave me stranded on New Circle any day now (I will take it somewhere on my next day off... even if it ends up costing me more than my car is worth *cries*). So, yes, no casual spending for me for the next month or so.

Well, I'm all moved in and in the business of unpacking. The last couple of weeks have flown by like some psychedelic nightmare, but I'm happy to say that I am un-phased by it.

It's beautiful outside. Absolutely gorgeous. 72 degrees of pure sunshine, clouds, and breeze. I love spring.

The cable guy came today and hooked everything up. I had to pull out my ancient router of doom to jack in Toni's computer. I have my doubts about the mortality of this piece of shit... but we don't have much choice at the moment. When she gets her laptop, we'll get a wireless router, I'm assuming.

I went grocery shopping earlier for a few more things. Might go out tonight and stir up trouble if trouble is up for it. Or I could hook up the Wii and piddle around with Toni. After all, she is making (what smells divine) garlic chicken, so it's only fair I treat her to kicking my ass on some silly game we've both never played.

Well, time to unpack more stuff. :|

So, my mantra this year is "Things are not as bad as they seem," and it appears to be working out for me. While I can't speak for my recent fucktarded moodswings, everything else is just cruising along steadily. I used to worry so much.... Worry myself into insomnia and panic attacks. I'm mellowing out in my adulthood.

Though I might not be shitting rainbows and farting strawberries, I'm a lot more comfortable with who I am now. Naturally, there are some things I am unhappy with, but I wouldn't be human if I were completely blind to both endowments and flaws.

I have regrets. Who doesn't? I have happy memories, too, though I sometimes forget them when I can't think of anything but negative crap.

I think, still, my biggest issue is trusting people. Every time I put faith in people, it's gone horribly batshit insane. It's made me cringe at having to rely on anyone. But, strangely, I keep trying!

Terrible things continue popping up in my head--bad thoughts about bad things in bad times. Today, I can keep them at bay.

And now... back to moving.

Remind me to never, ever try to explore my feelings with my ex. It usually ends with him being a self-righteous butthole and me sitting there thinking, "I have no idea who he's talking about, but it sure as hell isn't me... Might as well see where this leads. Doot doo doo... "

There are a few simple rules when communicating with women (and men of the feminine persuasion), and here are some of them:

1. Do not assume anything. You are probably wrong.
2. You're wrong even if you think you're right.
3. The correct response when told any of the following, "I haven't been myself lately," "I feel lonely/bored/antsy," "I wish I had someone to talk to about X," is "Can I help?" The improper response is to berate the living shit out of the woman until she feels worse than before she began speaking to you.

I swear to the Easter Bunny, I am just sick of it. He thinks I'm some sort of closeted, old ninny and that nothing I feel is justified. Well, fine, dick. You couldn't have given worse "advice" if you'd tried. I wasn't necessarily fishing for compliments or anything... I was just hoping you'd make me feel better and soothe away my fears. But, no, I got the short-tempered asshole approach.

Rarrrr... fury fading... Sleep deprivation kicking in.

My mom just called and asked if she could borrow $1100 to pay her mortgage bill so she could get some other fucking loan from the bank. When I said no, she said, "Well, maybe I should just kill myself."

Welcome to my life, enjoy the waffles, and have a nice day.

My mother is one of those genuinely disturbed individuals. If she doesn't succeed in killing herself some day, I often wonder what kind of institution I'll be sending Christmas cards.

Meh. I can't remember how many times we agreed that I was not going to loan her money anymore. This time, I just... No, I can't fucking do it. It's times like these that I would love to relocate. Crazy people are everywhere, though.

I had a dream that someone came to visit me. At first I wouldn't let them in, yet later they were combing my hair as I worried about being late for work. Also, I think I was in England. Go figure.

Ughh.... 2-11 tonight, 4-11 tomorrow, 8-5 on Saturday... And my shoulders and back are so sore today. I have no fucking idea how moving furniture on Saturday will go, but it probably won't be pretty.

Fuck, it's time for work.

What a strange week I'm having.

Now if only my earache would go away. Seriously... we're going on over a month now. Antibiotics didn't work. Perhaps it's time to see a different doctor. Woe is me.

I was an emotional wreck yesterday, but I appear to be in a better mood today. Manic upswing: go!

I just got home from work, so I doubt I'll head to the apartment tonight. I don't feel like lugging boxes up the stairs in the dark... especially since most of the boxes I have left are too fucking heavy to carry.

I want really good things to happen soon.... REALLY good things... Or I'm going to fire the world.

Murr. I'd like to go out... see a movie or something. Maybe just hang out with friends and talk about nothing all night long.

~.~ The first night in the new apartment that I'm free the entire next day... I am going to get drunk and act like a fool. Nothing says freedom and privacy like being a jackass in your own home.

Today... should have been a lot less stressful. I got up early and got a phone call from the apartments Toni and I are moving into. We both had to be there to sign the lease, which was problematic for a couple reasons: 1) Toni didn't get off work until 3pm and 2) My dad is getting back from Florida today and wants me to pick him up from the airport. Well.... I've been waiting around all fucking day for him to call. Finally, I gave up. Toni and I headed over there about 1 hour ago to sign the lease. I unloaded a couple boxes and then came back here... still awaiting the phone call.

What the triple fuck sundae is taking him so long? I should be spending the day moving boxes and shit, not waiting around skgfdashklahslh BREATHE.

That bullshit aside, the apartment seems nice. Looks like I won't be getting that timbernest for my bedroom, though. I don't think I'll have room. I'll have to pick out something smaller. Toni wants the master bedroom, so I'll just have to find some place for a lot of my stuff... or leave some of it here. I don't really mind the smaller space, to be honest, but I do spend about 90% of my time at home in my bedroom.

Okay, it's 6pm now... still no call. -_-

This is turning into the longest, pissiest day ever.

I'm feeling good today. Almost too good. I feel like I could do something amazing or catastrophic. Maybe both at the same time. FRAGMENT SENTENCES OF DOOM.

Being manic is fun when the euphoria hits. I never want to come back down.

Oddly enough, this is what I'm listening to:

Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone
~Fade to Black, Metallica

Doesn't quite fit the mood... but... goddamn, rarrrrr!

I think I'll go to bed early for once. Yes, yes?

I'm such a sappy, typical Pisces. I don't use that as an excuse for my behavior... rather, it's the perfect analogy of who I am. I'm a sap. I'm needy, overly sensitive, and introspective to the point that I'm so busy trying to figure myself out that I'm oblivious to the world around me. Only sometimes, though. Usually, I'm so concerned with making others happy emotionally that I forget about myself... then later wonder what the fuck is wrong with me.

I've been somewhat detached from folks I'm normally holding onto so tightly that they can't take a piss without shaking me off first. My problem is that I can't dedicate attention to multiple people all at once. I've been pouring my attentions into one person... with little emotional reciprocation... And, as a result, I'm starved for affection. You know how psychic vampires get really grouchy and bitchy if they go long without a meal? Yeah, that's about where I'm at. I'm tapped. And all my efforts to make this person feel good are in vain.... It's like bucketing water out of a sinking canoe.

It's all okay, though. I'm listening to Queen.

Pisces

March 18, 2008

It is better to take the risk of expressing how you feel today, rather than pretending you feel nothing at all. The present planetary alignment means that you have nothing to lose by opening up and being honest. The truth is that your friend is probably even more reserved than you, but also feels equally attracted. One of you has to do something; otherwise nothing will happen.

---From MSN.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA...

HAH!

Dear diary, when did I become such a scandalous wench? Seriously... I think I have stepped into bizarro world, where lovers tell you to have an affair, fuckbuddies get jealous if anyone pays you attention at all, and friends are crawling all over you like you've showered in vanilla and sex.

Something is very, very wrong here. I am confused as hell. For one, I'm still getting mixed signals from Travis. One moment, he's all happy and optimistic. The next, he's telling me to go rape random guys (as though that would be fun for me... right).

For another, what if I did pursue something closer?

And lastly, what the fuck am I going to do with my other attachments? T_T

I'm a dirty whore!

And I bruised all over. >.>

*listening to David Bowie, "As the World Falls Down"*

I don't know what I want anymore... If I ever knew. Mixed messages confound and frustrate me. Maybe I've been guilty of being the sender before, but I'm too old for that shit now.

HUFF.

Someday I'm gonna be free.... Find me somebody to love

Murrrrr.... I am bored.

Serpentine... And silky, drifting in through the doorway like you belonged there all along. Urban noise travels in around you and crawls up the walls to vibrate off the ceiling. I close my eyes and stare at your halo imprinted on my retinas as you slither toward my voice. Am I singing or mourning a time when you worshiped me with promises of a brighter future?

Don't be offended if I recoil. The world's twisting in on itself tighter than I could ever dream to dare.

Streaming consciousness bullshit express. Next destination: bed.

What were you thinking?