You can never take back the horrors you planted in my mind or the nightmares that nurtured them. You can't say, "I'm sorry," mean it, and think that makes everything right as rain. Because I don't accept your apology. The bitterest part of me--this broken and twisted thing that remains after your vines strangled me--doesn't give a fuck what you want to accomplish with your pithy words.

Take them and choke on them. You selfish, heartless, manipulative festering boil on the cunt of Kali herself.

I shed tears for you. I thought maybe you were going to kill yourself. And I hated you for it. For trying to involve me. You couldn't just leave me alone. Oh, no.

You wronged me. You lost your fucking mind, and you lost me. Ten years passed, and you splintered into my skin with two phone calls. I couldn't even listen to the second one. Not after you insinuated that I had wronged you but you forgave me for it. No. A stranger doesn't get to insult me and forgive me for some imagined slight and think I'll bend my ear to them.

So this... whatever the fuck this is... just keep it to yourself. I don't want it.

Tired. Don't even know where to begin. But I feel like all the stress is pent up... so jam-packed that my shoulders feel like ropes of steel coiled so tight, they're snapping under my skin. Hell, I have always been prone to stiff necks and muscle spasms in that vicinity. They won't stop lately.

I've been teetering on the edge of the abyss. School's finished soon, but not before dragging me through broken glass and dipping me in bleach to present me to the world.

I don't feel my age on the mental plane. On the physical plane, I feel like a sack of shit that's been kicked down the stairs. Everything aches.

I do so much. I neglect so much. I fight. I wither. I stand against the cold winds of adversity. And I crumble at the subtle hammering of reality. I'm just tired.

Factor		low score	high score
Gregariousness	38%	quiet, reclusive	engaging, socially bold
Sociability	46%	withdrawn, hidden	warm, open, inviting
Assertiveness	58%	timid, gunshy	controlling, aggressive
Poise	38%	uneasy around others	socially comfortable
Leadership	54%	stays in background	prefers to lead
Provocativeness	58%	modest, plays it safe	bold, uninhibited, cocky
Self-Disclosure	38%	private, contained	very open and revealing
Talkativeness	26%	quiet, stealthy, invisible	motor mouth, loud
Group Attachment	30%	loves solitude	prefers to be with others
Understanding	82%	insensitive, schizoid	respectful, sympathetic
Warmth	70%	disinterested in others	supportive, helpful
Morality	78%	break/ignore the rules	play by the rules
Pleasantness	54%	aloof or disagreeable	gets along with others
Empathy	62%	out of tune w/ others	in tune with others
Cooperation	78%	competitive, warlike	agreeable, peaceful
Sympathy	74%	socially inconsiderate	socially conscious
Tenderness	78%	cold hearted, selfish	warm hearted, selfless
Nurturance	70%	self pleasing, me first	people pleasing, me last
Conscientiousness	66%	reckless, unscheduled	careful, planner
Efficiency	62%	unreliable, lazy	finisher, follows through
Dutifulness	58%	leisurely, derelict	strict, rule abiding
Purposefulness	50%	inattentive, undisciplined	prepared, focused
Organization	70%	relaxed, oblivious	detail oriented, anal
Cautiousness	62%	impulsive, spendthrift	restrained, cautious
Rationality	62%	irrational, random	direct, logical
Perfectionism	46%	careless, error prone	detail obsessed
Planning	58%	disorganized, random	scheduled, clean
Stability	42%	easily frustrated	calm, cool, unphased
Happiness	30%	unhappy, dissatisfied	self content, positive
Calmness	58%	touchy, volatile	even tempered, tolerant
Moderation	42%	needs instant gratification	easily delays gratification
Toughness	58%	hypersensitive, moody	thick skinned
Impulse Control	58%	lacks self control	maintains composure
Imperturbability	34%	highly emotional	emotionally contained
Cool-headedness	54%	demanding, controlling	accommodating
Tranquility	38%	emotionally volatile	emotionally neutral
Intellect	82%	instinctive, non-analytical	intellectual, analytical
Ingenuity	58%	lacks new ideas	innovative, novel
Reflection	90%	unreflective, coarse	art and beauty lover
Competence	82%	slow to understand/think	intellectual, brainy
Quickness	90%	intellectually dependent	intellectually independent
Introspection	86%	not self reflective	self searching
Creativity	82%	dull headed	synthesizer, iconoclast
Imagination	86%	practical, realistic	dreamer, unrealistic
Depth	74%	lacks curiosity	mental explorer

Take Free Advanced Big 45 Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Took this several years ago. Thought I would see how my results changed. Heh.

I just re-read a story you wrote for me many years ago. I'd go for a drive and stop in the middle of no where to cry if it weren't cold and miserable outside.

I write so seldom these days, it's a wonder I even remembered this blog. I'm actually procrastinating this very moment. There's homework to do. Bleh. I'm not fretting about it. I'm doing well in school. I'll graduate next spring with an Associate in Arts and an Associate in Applied Science (graphic design). So, there's that. After years of wading through the cesspool of life like a lone turd (eww), I'm finally revving up to get the hell out of Dodge.

But enough about me.

I don't speak to my sister much. To be honest, it's not really a sore spot with me. She and I were never close. I may have written about this before, as it's pretty gritty and full of sordid details. She was somewhat the prize child--the one my parents thought would go somewhere. I wouldn't say I was invisible so much as a lost cause. If I ever was a cause. Anyhow, my sister fell off her pedestal. Or slipped. Or leaped. Whatever it is that teenage girls do when they have crappy parenting and think they know everything. Yay fragment sentences.

I had very little to do with her as she grew into an adult. She moved in with her boyfriend/boss/later husband as soon as she was able. I'm not sure how much love was involved there. I was a crazed teenager myself... One molded by her mistakes and a fervent desire to never walk in her shoes. So, I didn't pay much attention to her after she moved out. I know she briefly went to college. Got married (even wanted me to be in the wedding, but I declined).

She had two children. I got to see them a lot when they were little. My sister lived close by. I even got to babysit once in a while. They moved a little further away, and I saw them less frequently. I tried to be a good aunt, when I could. I'd make them these silly baskets full of goodies for the holidays.

My sister was never a bad mother. She wasn't a great sister. But she grew up. I wasn't fond of my brother-in-law. Anger management issues were pretty apparent. Hell, I knew that from working with him. He was a poor disciplinarian with the kids, too. He yelled too much (at least I think so). I was less and less in the picture as years drifted by. Not for lack of love for my nieces. Maybe lack of love for their parents.

And now my sister's fighting a custody battle with her ex-husband. An ugly one, from what I hear. And he's filling their heads with garbage and bullshit. That happens a lot to children. My dad said some pretty ugly things about my mother. My mother said some pretty godawful things about my dad. Yet I know that the girls will one day, probably years to come, know the difference between what he and she spew at/about each other and the truth.

But there's one thing that I find particularly disgusting: he's being a complete asshole to my father. I guess he's trying to vilify everyone... To what end, I don't know for sure. I haven't seen him in years. I wonder what sort of fantastic things he would have to say about me. We were never on bad terms, so whatever crawled out of his mouth would be about as relevant as yesterday's bellybutton lint.

I know he was devastated when my sister cheated on him. There's no doubt that it was a completely shitty thing to do. I won't try to defend her. I don't like her that much--as a person--to try to excuse what she did. And yet... the marriage failing was inevitable. She was unhappy, so it was only a matter of time before she left. Unfortunately, she did things in the wrong order. Into each life some rain must fall.

Ugh... people. Stop being assholes for five seconds... please.

I've been slowly cataloging my older entries into PDF files. It's really, friggin' creepy. It's like reading someone else's thoughts. I'm up to 2002. Ten years ago me was an alien from another planet. I kinda miss her. You know, minus all the fucked up delusions about love and naive views of the world. My, how we've changed.

I wish I could go back to certain ways. If wishes were farts, I'd need a gas mask.

I keep feeling like I'm missing something. Every day, I feel like I'm forgetting something. It's maddening.

I go back to school next week. Back to no days off. Only one year left, then I'm not sure what I'll be doing. I don't really care, as long as it's not retail. I don't even care about the money. I mean, yeah, I could buy some garbage that I don't need... But I'm a minimalist at heart. I just want to be comfortable and not have to deal with assholes all day long until I have a heart attack.