A few years ago... 2006, I believe... I got labyrinthitis and lost my balance for a good month. My equilibrium was pretty much shot at that point. If I tilted in any direction, I'd faceplant. A few months later, my eardrums ruptured. I kept meaning to sea an ENT last year, when I finally got insurance, but the whole gallbladder thing happened... Feh.

Anyway, my "artificial" balance does pretty well most of the time. I still get dizzy if I have my eyes closed and turn too fast. Hell, the room spins if I flip over in bed, sometimes. I'm wondering if I can ride a rollercoaster without ralphing. It'd suck if I could never ride one again.

I got nothing. Just mumbling.

Sometimes I get this feeling in my gut that I need to uproot and start over somewhere else. I've spent the better part of ten years clinging to something that is not surprisingly bad for me. It is fantasy.

The reality is that I have no idea who I am... I have no sense of self. I contradict myself at every turn and do the complete opposite of what I want to do. It's the sort of self-destruction you'd see in a lifetime movie, except I'm not so glamorous as to have an alcohol addiction or a fancy for men who hit me. Mine is a more subtle devastation. I think, somewhere along the way, I started dreaming too much and not focusing on accomplishing anything.

But I have little goals to attend to now. I'm going to get a degree or two, start saving for the future, and all that junk.

In completely other news, I've recently learned what became of Julie Rice.

I used to hold a lot of bitter feelings in my heart over her sudden evacuation from my life (as recalled in some of my earliest dland entries). Now there's nothing left in my heart left for her but pity.

Over a year ago, she had tried to contact me in hopes that I would lie about her father. She wanted me to testify to his abuse of her, which I never witnessed. I had no idea why, as I hadn't heard from her in almost 10 years. I've come to find out that all of her children have been taken away from her. Her father has custody now.

I ran into her ex-husband a few weeks ago. I hadn't seen him in about ten years, too, so I didn't recognize him at all. He told me about the kids (only 1 of which is his), about her being a complete drug addict, about her house being so full of drugs and drug paraphernalia that it even shocked him (which is sad in and of itself, since he was not the cleanest of freaks when last I knew him).... So, that's what happened to her.

She pumped out two more kids and then succumbed to her delusions. I don't know where she is now. Didn't ask.

I hope her kids grow up alright. Her dad sure did a bang-up job with her and her brother.

It is late. Or early. One of those, depending on what kind of sleep schedule you're on, is correct. I am restless. I am on vacation. I am no where in particular... Well, particularly my bedroom, which I just finished rearranging yesterday. I am bruised, things are broken, and my back hurts. All is quiet, save the whirring of my fan and the hum of my computer. I guess it's not quiet, after all.

I spent the better part of 3 hours reading, and I'm not tired. I'll probably read some more before attempting sleep. It's peaceful moments like this, when my hair is dripping wet and my brain is zipping around in circles much like Thor's hammer in the comics (or even the movie--ohohoho you can't deny that was cool), that I sadly wonder if corporate-keep-on-being-a-good-citizen/slave drugs would do me any good.

I am not having insomnia. I've had insomnia before, and it's much more chaotic and much less glamorous than it's made out to be in movies. I'm just sickeningly disappointed with so many things that I can't be arsed to complain. I am ill with disgust. I am bloated with the gas of misanthropy and self-doubt to the point that a match struck in my face may ignite me into a raging, flailing, baby-eating ball of anger. Anger ball. Someone drop me down an incinerator shoot. Pew pew.

So, these happy thoughts are keeping me up. I'll sleep fine when the train runs out of steam. Back to the books.

I just got back from vacation. It was... for lack of better words, interesting. The entire time, I kept thinking, This should have been you. Or, It should have been you.. The scenery was great and all that, but I don't feel refreshed from the week off work at all. In fact, a five mile "moderate" (read: evil, evil, rocky, ow ow ow I don't own hiking boots OW OW OW) hike is far from relaxing. When on vacation, I prefer leisurely strolls and taking time to look around. It's hard to look around when you can't look up for more than 2 seconds for fear of twisting your ankle. Murr. I also didn't get much sleep throughout the week for various reasons. I don't want to bitch too much about this, since it's too late to change it. Everything felt rushed, and I felt like I didn't get to do what I wanted.

Anyhow, I learned a bit about myself in those few days. I truly am an idiot.

Oh, well. I have another week off in May, and this time, I am not doing a goddamn thing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Take that, brain.

I drank heavily last night. I don't have a hangover, but I feel really tired. Try playing Mario Kart drunk. Oh, man. Don't drink and drive, kids.

I haven't written in a while. I'm still just not up for it. It's like I've got writer's whiskey dick. Maybe it's because I'm disappointed with a lot of shit. Well, it's a new year. 1/1/11. I haven't made any resolutions. Typically, they don't last since it takes a hell of a lot to stick to a new habit. In my experience, you can't make new habits; you can only replace bad ones. I'd like to stop smoking. Think of the money I would save.

Oh, I love this song. "Passion" from Kingdom Hearts. I've had my music on shuffle all night. Woke up to Groove Armada. Maybe that can be my new resolution: listen to music more, you dumb twat. I used to live and breathe music. What happened? Too many distractions. Techno-ADD.

Anddddd I just went limp again. I think I'll play Plants Vs. Zombies.

I don't write much anymore. I guess I don't have much to share... or I internalize all my thoughts until they spin out into the ether and mean nothing at all.

I think I'll use one of my vacation weeks in January and go to Myrtle Beach or Hilton Head or something like that. I know it's not exactly a good time of year for beach weather, but I don't mind. It's a decent driving distance, and it will allow me to save money. Toni wants to go to England in a few years, so I'll have to start squirreling away money for that trip. I'd like to have a digital SLR camera by then. Maybe.

Tra-la-la. I can't stop thinking about certain things lately. It's like there's a fly in the room that is my brainpan and no rolled up newspaper or flyswatter or pair of chopsticks can stop it from buzzing around. Maybe if I could aim a rubber band at it just right.... I shot a fly once like that. Pure luck. One in a million shot.

Eh, things could be worse.

I had the full gauntlet of dreams during a nap earlier. They all blurred together, but I distinctly remember 3 parts. One part was about being at work and my teeth were falling out... at this point, I realized I was dreaming and took control of the dream. I immediately started flying--cuz that's the best thing to do when you become lucid. I flew on my own, I flew with a contraption, and I even flew with gigantic wings. Later, I saw Toni. I was still pretty lucid. I was only able to hold on because I was rubbing my hands together in my dream. Travis once told me about that. It works amazingly well. Toni couldn't fly, so I picked her up and carried her as I flew. She kept yelping because it took me a minute to get momentum with the extra weight.

In another part, I was at work again (only it was laid out more like a school and Best Buy put together), and this family was trying to steal a TV. Somehow or other, they managed to get away with one, and I ran into the parking lot to write down their license plate. There was writing on the side that said "Griftor" or "Griffon." It was a semi without a trailer. So very strange.

All of that happened in a one hour nap. I haven't dreamed and remembered it that clearly in months.

I can't brain today. I have the dumb.

Bitch bitch bitch.

I have nothing relevant to write about. And so.... Derp.