A few years ago, I used to be able to do 50-100 push-ups (yes, on my toes) and 100-200 sit-ups. Now, don't get me wrong, I have never been "in shape," but stick with me here.... Now I can't even do 10 push-ups on my toes. I managed to do about 25 girly push-ups. I didn't even try sit-ups >_>;

Goddamn, I am a big pile of flab ;o;

I'll try to remedy that, I guess. Not like I have anything to do with my time.

Fuck, I need a job.

I had a dream that my mother died.

My subconscious mind needs to drown. Give me drugs, now!

*New Order, "Bizarre Love Triangle"*

...Unresponsive, at best. Everything in the last couple weeks is one giant blur. Silly dreams about cats and temples flooded with water sticking to my brain as I wake up... make me furrow my brow and walk to the bathroom scratching my head. The usual. It's strange to have all these dreams about water, thinking their just Freudian bullshit, and then turn on the TV and see New Orleans under water. Well, at least they're not related.

I love the rain. I'm one of those people that never carries an umbrella. Sure, I might end up drenched down to my underwear, but it's worth it. Unless it's freezing rain... that's somewhat uncomfortable.

*Schiller, "The Dream I had of You"*

Ugh... I'm trying so hard not to get too wrapped up in my emotions right now. I don't have very good coping skills. Actually, I don't think I have any. Aside from writing. Oh, and good ol' repression. So, my heart's buried out there somewhere, maybe keeping my cat company. I can't muster the strength to go uncover it, dust it off, and plug it back into my chest. Not yet. And why should I, really?

Thinking makes me sick.

Your Celebrity Life..Fame or Shame? by William_Wilson
Your Name
You are Dating..
Your Celebrity Rival is
Rumors are that You Fucked..but you did'nt
You instead Secretly Fucked..
This Person Wants You..
You got Into a Fight With
Your Talents Get Compared to..
Drugged you to take advantage one erotic night
Who Stole and Sold your Sex Tape
Who you made the tape with
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Mmm I love me some journal fodder.

And yay for vanilla vodka. I don't even like alcohol, but this stuff makes me forget that. In fact, it makes me forget that I have a brain to forget with.

I have been having mild hallucinations the last few days. I'm not sure why. I've not taken an hallucinagenic drugs, I'm fairly sure. Wait, does green tea have hallucinagenic properties? I get the distinct feeling of flowing water when I type. That's disconcerting. And the other day, I saw outlines of trees blooming in the dark. Hmm. My brain is faulty.

Mmmyep. Apoptygma Berzerk+VNV Nation Kathy's Song Victoria Mix is love.

Weee I hope I didn't drink too much. Then again, I haven't been drunk in a long time. I'm surprised I can type this well, but it's that water thing kicking in again. Flowing under my fingers like a current........ too many dots.

So, I suppose I should write something important? Well, hrm, my ovaries hurt.

I was reading up on X-Men 3 earlier here. Pretty interesting stuff.... Phoenix, Angel, Beast, Moira, Shadowcat, Leech, Juggernaut, and a few others are all being introduced. I just hope that the script is well written to include so many characters. Many times, when a movie or book has too many characters introduced, it ruins it completely. Well, that's writing 101. I am excited about the possibilities... but not overly optimistic.

And I my nerd rank just went up 10 points >.>

Yes, I enjoy comics, what can I say? I have very picky tastes, but I'm not a snob like some comic geeks are. I like most of the X-titles, though they go through really bad storylines sometimes (in fact, they were horrible for a couple years and just started getting good again within the last year). I'm just a sucker for the characters.

Gambit & Rogue mind-sex....? Uh... 'Kay.

I really liked the story Joss Whedon wrote for X-Men, too. I hope he'll do more some day.

Speaking (or writing, rather) of Joss Whedon... Serenity is coming soon. I am full of squee. I read the first Serenity comic book a few days ago. >:D Eeeee!

Which Rock Chick Are You?

That was totally rigged. I demand a recount.

I might take a road trip soon. I dunno... maybe just drive really far and look at the sky from a different patch of earth. Sounds fun, yes? Mewrf. Not that I have much money... so it'll be a brief trip XD

[Run away!]

I don't know. I'm talking out of my ass right now. I need to get a job first... then I can piddle away gas money.

Anyone else have some fucked up nightmares last night, or was it just me? Well, they weren't exactly nightmares so much as anxiety dreams.

The basis and plot of each dream I had throughout the night involved me freaking out over waiting for a response to a letter I had written. Oddly, this is extremely close to the surface of my mind and not buried under a steaming pile of my brainpoop, which is where most of my dreams come from.

I am horrified, terrified, mildly anxious as to how the letter will be received. Nail-biting, edge-of-seat kinda thing. I suspect the outcome will be anything but positive, but I can face anything with at least a smirk at this point.

I have been babbling a lot since my cat died, no? Well, I find it comforting... cathartic. Blah blah blah. If I can force the words out of my fingers, they don't linger around in my head like unruly children--destroying the place.

And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful house!
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful wife!

Hahaha... Okay, now I need to hear that song.

It's sorta funny, isn't it? Even when I'm feelin' like roadkill, I can talk about it. Better than bottling it up, I suppose.

Back to being a miserable wretch. This is a comfortable role for me. Maybe a little too comfortable. In fact, maybe I should just snap the fuck out of this and wake up. Life is short and all those other pithy phrases. Maybe I should grab life by the gonads and just get on with it.

Soldier on.

But it's easier to close my eyes and give up.

I keep hoping that something will come along and force my eyes open, and maybe it has. But I'm not ready to move yet. My feet are dragging. I just need something... some sorta kick in the ass. It'll come. Believe, and it will come.

I don't want to look back on this moment of my life and say, "Well, that could have gone better."

Where is my mind? Where is my mind?

Sing it with me.

Rise up, ye army of lost souls. We shall conquer stupidity and smite laziness! And some such.

Something told me to wake up... And now I want to go back to sleep. But I can't. ARRGH. I think another chord snapped in my mind.

Have you ever seen the movie Hero? The one set in China with Jet Li.... not the one with, uh, oh, wtf is his name....*drawing blank*. I hate that movie. No, I mean, I love that movie. But just imagine that scene in which Sky and the hero are dueling in their minds... and then the instrument the old guy is playing breaks--the chords just snap--and they rush at each other, and it's over! It's like that. Only not.

Omg, I'm turning into Hilander (He's this babbling young kid on FFXI who tends to ramble. A lot).

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooo...

Fucking mosquitos... asklghfl

So, um... I think I'll shut the hell up now and perhaps try to write again later. Maybe. Cheers.

*edit~ later on*

Maybe it was all that sun, but I just can't think straight.

Mommy sent me some... corny... card in the mail. "Thinking of you..." etc. etc. Not that I don't appreciate it. And I'm so starved for attention/distraction/love that I should just let her continue to feed off my misery. I mean, seriously, all I've wanted to do this week is be in someone's arms and forget the mean ol' world.

But not hers.

In fact, any more of her... and I'll go insane. Calling three times a day is not necessary, woman. Yes, I miss my cat. Yes, I'm alright. No, I don't need anything.

But enough about her....

There are moments when I break out of the numbness and just stare at my hands, letting the tears roll down my cheeks and not bothering to wipe them away. I don't know if I'm crying for the cat or for myself. Release is great when you can find it. Sometimes, it finds you when you're not looking. Yet I'm sick of crying. Stick corks in my eyesockets, please.

Ahh... ray of sunshine mode is officially on.

_____________________

I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The Dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had.

Tears for Fears- "Mad World"

.... It's too fucking hot outside to enjoy a craft fair. And the prices were too high to find something to take home.

Oh my god. I'm melting....

And I'm drawing a blank.

Awkward silences follow.

Up until Wednesday, I had been fortunate enough to be a mosquito virgin. How is this possible, you ask? Hell if I know. Apparently, they could sense that my blood did not offer what they need. I had watched mosquitos land on me and fly away before. I never knew the evil of the pesky little insect... the itching. Ee gads, the itching!

While I was outside burying my pretty kitty, I was bitten about 4 times. -_- Oh the itchiness!

I usually get bitten by spiders more than anything. Spiders lurve me. Spider bites itch and swell something fierce. They also can turn purple or brown as the venom kills off living tissue around the bite. Quite annoying.

But this... omfg, I want to scratch the skin right off my flesh ; ; How do you people deal with this!!? I demand answers. Why mosquitos have suddenly taken an interest in me is a mystery... And, oh, how I wish I could reverse it!

And I'm going to a craft fair at an OUTDOOR park later today. Woe is me. WOE!

It is no wonder I see people scratch mosquito bites raw and until they bleed. I completely understand this now, and I wish I did not! The itching is all consuming! Do you hear me? I am exclaiming! AGhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHH!

Hopefully, I will be able to find a parking spot for the fair. Alas, I am so broke, I will most probably not buy anything. This is not so terrible as the prices of things at the fair increase exponentially every year.

Bry says that I am like Toni's boyfriend that gets dragged everywhere a guy does not want to be. Haha! It's a dirty job, but someone's gotta do it. Even if I don't even get a kiss first. T_T If we were both lesbians, I think I would be the bitch.

Morg has barely taken any notice of Zillah's absense. I expected as much. They were not close by any means; however, she has been a bit more vocal lately. My brain torments me when I pet her. I can still feel Zillah's fur in my fingers.

My mother has been taking this entire week as an opportunity to attempt bonding with me... She calls every day, throughout the day just to "check on me." Like I'm going to disappear. I think she's also prowling to catch me in a weepy moment so she can comfort me and feel all motherly.

The MRI she had done didn't show anything in her adrenal glands, but they're doing more tests soon.

The story that my brother died in the hospital was an exaggeration, but he did stop breathing at one point. My mother has to read through the thousand-page medical records with her lawyers to figure out what exactly happened.

Well, I think I'm going to go play Animal Crossing or something. ._. I went to bed extremely early last night because the turkey I ate made me sleepy. Then, I woke up at 5am. MORNINGS are so boring.

something inside of me has opened up its eyes
why did you put it there did you not realize
this thing inside of me it screams the loudest sound
sometimes i think i could
burn

I can feel my mind cracking.

I'm gonna take a moment and be totally cliche. You'll just have to get over it.

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
when you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Coldplay, "Fix You"

Mmmyep, it's easy to see why I chose this song. I mean, shit, it's perfect.

I woke up around 4am after going to bed just before ten.

Awww, fuck. The one time my dad doesn't have any coke/cherry coke/whatthefuckever cola in the house and I need something to mix my vodka with. Dammit. I suppose I'll just do shots, then.

Zillah is buried behind my room, right in front of the rose bush under my window. Yuki and Losse are fairly close by, as well as Sissy--the old family dog. So, now it's just me and Morg. Grumpy... senile Morg. She's 13 or so. Hopefully, she won't keel over on me this year, too. And now that I'm in such a morbid mood... I wonder what will happen to her in her final days. There's a happy thought.

Maybe I should go take a shower.