So, I applied Hellmart yesterday and just got a call about an hour ago asking if I'd come in for an interview. That was fast; they must be desperate. Now I'm kicking myself for applying there... cuz the thought of working there makes me want to shoot myself in the foot just to have an excuse not to.

Fuck.

I really need a job. And though I have my reservations about working there (what kinda shifts I'll have, the general environment, etc.), I probably will go in for an interview.

I just can't shake the feeling that I'll absolutely hate it and quit within a week. I've been out of work so long that I know long shifts on my feet will make me stabby, no matter how badly I need money.

I guess I really don't have a choice in the matter... no one else has contacted me, and I've been looking for what seems a year now. Still... the woman on the phone seemed more interested in making me a cashier than anything else... which would bring out my sociopathic tendencies, I'm sure.

Fuck, again.

This is going to make me hate life just that much more, I know it.

Ah, sweet fucked up sleep patterns, so glad to see you return to me.

Dammit.

I have not been up to much. Don't know why I'm bothering to write, really. I can't believe it's May already. I was going to do a lot yesterday... but I woke up at 4pm and decided that the day was wasted. Procrastination is a dreadful mistress. Maybe I'll stay up tonight/this morning and try to accomplish something before going back to sleep. What can I do in the meantime is the real question.

Been kinda lonely lately... I blame the hormones I haven't had in over a year. I forgot how miserable they are.

The prescription was $46 (generic).

And so... more applications to be had. I've even been browsing the newspaper for jobs when I have a paper. There are a couple places left on this side of town where I haven't applied; I should have hit those today, but I am cramping and started my first period in 9 months and generally feel like roadkill (stomachache still continues off and on). So, perhaps tomorrow I'll make a day of it.

I saw Silent Hill with Toni the other day. I can't decide if I liked it or not. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't wonderful, either.

So broke. -.- I suppose I should go to the bank and transfer more money into my checking... though it feels like I just did that not too long ago.

....

$165 + $192 + $50 (got this bill today for the pap smear).

OH HAPPY FUCKING DAY. Also, I got a prescription for Glucophage attached to a letter about PCOS. It's supposed to regulate my insulin so my ovaries work.

Fantastic! I'm going to go smash my head against the closest wall now. Cheers!

Hmm. The initial visit to the doctor was $165. The bill for my bloodwork is $192. No fucking response about the bloodwork... just that bill. So, basically, I just paid almost 400 dollars for jack shit.

I hate doctors.

I suppose I'll call my doctor's office tomorrow and ask about the results. Fuckers.

So... angry....

Murrr >< My stomach was hurting so badly last night that I was vomiting for over an hour until there was nothing left to vomit. Dry-heaves are fun! After that stopped, I took some asprin and was alright for a couple hours, then the severe tummy hurty came back and I had to lie down. Could not sleep worth a shit, to say the least.

What's peculiar is that this is not the first time this tummy hurty has happened. In the last few months, it's happened a few times... I don't always throw up. Sometimes it feels like someone's inflating my stomach like a hot air balloon... and said air will not come out. Sometimes I stand in the bathroom doorway, waiting for my stomach to decide which way something is going to be forced out.

I'm not sure what it is... My dad said something similar started happening to him when he was my age and he's been on pills for it ever since. NUUUUU.

Stomach still hurts right now but no where near as badly as last night.

Just took my last hormone pill. Now the waiting game begins. Oh the joy. Still haven't gotten results of my blood test, but my pap smear was clear.

>_>

Yeah, so... uh... That was FUN. In fact, I hardly remember any of it. I think my brain was totally out to lunch during the entire exam.

So, the doctor put me on progesterone (the generic form of Provera, medroxyprogesterone, to be exact) in hopes of jump-starting my period. I have to take a pill once a day for ten days, wait 50 days, and repeat. 4 refills. I also have to go back sometime this week to do blood tests, which I have to fast for two of them (checking my insulin). -.- Blood tests... argh... Well, I suppose if I can deal with a speculum, I can deal with having blood drawn. He gave me a pamphlet on PCOS and some other little things (like a calendar to keep track of my period if and when I have one).

I think I spent more time in the waiting room than actually in the exam room. My brain... really went out to lunch the moment my clothes came off. It was like, "Okay, I'm shutting down now. Your eyes are on their own." But he said everything looked normal.

Grr... I dun wanna go back and do blood tests wahhhhhhhhhhh...

I get to go to the doctor today! YAY!! I'm as excited as a dog on his way to the pound! I think I may throw up!

But seriously, I believe I will do okay with the actual visit. If I do start to panic, I'll just swim in the adrenal euphoria and try to explain why I just punched a nurse in the face. Um.. err.... I mean, passed out on the floor. Yes, that's it. Okay, for seriously serious, I am slightly edgy, but I think I can keep my hospital phobia in check (so long as no one touches me... I'm doomed). I know that when the time comes, I will go to my happy place much like I did when my shoulder had that wicked evil spasm and I had to go to the UTC. Only difference there was that I was in my omg-the-pain-give-me-drugs place.

Right. So, I'm terrified.

I had this gruesome nightmare before I woke up about some spot I found on my chest (under a tit, I think). It happened today (in the dream). So, I mess with the spot and it pours out decayed flesh and rot... then the entire front of my torso rips off. Oh, that was fun. And I'm, of course, hysterical, waiting for my mother to show up and take me to the doctor. As I'm holding my detached flesh to my body, she pulls into the driveway, and I run out of the house. I damn-near start walking to the hospital on my own or some such. Then I woke up.

^_^

Irrational fear. Irrational fear. Irrational fear... Ohmmmmmmmm.

I love spring. It's my favorite season. I don't mind that it rains every day or that the moment you step outside you look like a wayward musician from A Flock of Seagulls cuz the wind forces your hair horizontal. I love how fresh the air is. I love how green everything is. I adore walking barefoot on dampened earth and just watching the clouds drift by like their going somewhere but aren't in any hurry to get there.

*listening to Placebo, "Because I Want You"*

Spring feels new. It's refreshing and as close to my perfect world as I can imagine.

I'm sort of on a regular sleep schedule. Got a bit of insomnia per usual... lie in bed, tired as hell but unable to turn off my brain. I get up early enough to enjoy the entire day, though.

As far as life goes, I'm still looking for a job. My dad thinks I should look into a clerical job. Not sure exactly how I'm supposed to do that without any sort of documented qualifications, but it's an interesting suggestion. I think I'm disheartened by the search and complete silence. I apply, call back, get told "Oh, we're looking at applications and setting up interviews soon," then hear nothing. It's a nasty cycle. Feels like rejection before even getting my foot in the door.

I'm having nightmares about going to the doctor next week. Well, actually... they're anxiety dreams which force me to think about the phobia I have but have been suppressing. I try not to imagine myself in the waiting room, trying to contain fight or flight. Yeah, that's going to be fun.

Gas bill jumped 75 bucks this month. Great.

I hate money.