*listening to Placebo, "Every You, Every Me"*

I need to learn how to not listen to people at work when they start talking about their personal lives.

Case in point:
A woman I work with (we'll call her Mary) has a fuck buddy. Mary is about 46 and has a few grown kids. She lives on her own right now, is divorced, has a history of bad relationships.... She's had this fuck buddy for 2 years. He doesn't want more, obviously. I'm sure he's quite happy just fucking her and walking out the door when it's over and could continue this pattern 'til he grows tired of her and finds another fuck buddy. ANYWAY. She's growing attached to him, and it's tearing her up. Thinking that he's "coming around" to actually wanting to be with only her, she's been going nuts and texting him on her phone and buying him crap.

Poor Mary. I keep telling her that she needs to ease off and accept that he doesn't love her the way she wants. He never will. I feel like I need to buy her that book "He's Just Not That into You" for her to get the message. I think she's finally grasping it... but she has got to stop hoping.

So, this is all I've heard about for the last few days from her. I'm almost sick of it. Her obsessiveness is irksome.

If I'm ever in her shoes or I put someone in those shoes... Someone, please hit me with a bus.

A few recent observations:

The other day, I was working in electronics when I Mexican man stopped me and asked me about a stereo. He spoke more English than I spoke Spanish, which isn't a whole lot. Anyhow, he wanted to get a stereo, so I offered to bring him a cart. When I returned to him with a cart, I offered to help him lift the stero (the box was monstrous), but he insisted on doing it himself. So, as I kept the cart steady for him, he lifted the box into it, and that's when I heard a clink. I looked down.... and right at the Mexican's feet was an exacto knife razor. It had fallen from somewhere on his person. I glanced at the razor, glanced at his face, glanced back at the razor. I picked it up and said, "Is this yours?" He looked like a deer in headlights. It was hilarious.

You see, thieves carry razors with them to slice open packages and steal anything from CDs to denture adhesive. I shit you not. Needless to say, I reported it to a manager and he was then followed all over the store.

On Monday, the manager over electronics asked me to make a decision about being in that department and to get back to her. That night, I tried to reach her for 2 hours... paging and searching the store for her. On Tuesday, I called the store at various times throughout the day to talk to her... She never picked up, nor did any other manager. Same thing happened Wednesday. So, by Thursday, I finally saw her and she told me she had filled the position.

I am full of rage. She told me more spots would open up in the next couple months... But I really wanted to be over there, goddammit... 3 days off instead of 2 and a meager raise would have made it worth it. Oh, so very worth it.

Today, I saw a little girl crawling around on her knees. Upon closer inspection, I realized that she didn't have feet. Or hands... Actually, one leg stopped at her knee and her other stopped in the mid-shin. One arm stopped just above the elbow and the other stopped at the wrist. It was... something truly astounding to see. She was no more than 4 years old and her knees were blackened with dirt. I wonder if she were born that way or if it had been some accident or frostbite or something. I suppose I'll never know, but I can't help but be curious. Could you?

Good news: I might be switching to the electronics department at work.

Bad news: other people who want over there might hate me.

Good news: I don't really care.

Bad news: I discovered my car battery was dead tonight, after coming out of work.

Good news: Toni came and gave me a ride home. The weather was too shitty to try and deal with jumping it, but we're both off tomorrow--yay!

Bad news: My mom's stranded in Illinois because she doesn't have enough money for gas for the trip back (why she didn't realize this before she left is beyond me...) She also failed to even tell me she was going, and she knew I had made a Halloween treat sack for my brother, which I wanted her to deliver to him.... I suppose she was mad at me because she was in the ER for the third time in the last several weeks, and I would not/could not go get her (I had to work). Nevertheless, she called from 7am this morning to noon, trying to get ahold of me so I would wire her some money. I never answered the phone because I was TRYING to sleep before work. I'm a coldhearted bitch :D She left one message on the answering machine and it stated simply, "I wish you'd answer the phone. I need to talk to you." The story about the money was relayed to me by my dad, as she'd called him at work and tried to get him to send her money. So, I don't know if she ever got some money, where she is, and the degree of her frustration with me.

Good news: I think I know what I'm going to be for Halloween. Zombie Pirate... or just zombie. If I can be arsed. I have to work 6-10 that night :/

Bad news: I have a big, fat headache.

I had this dream the other night that I was bleeding out. An artery in my arm had been cut and no one could staunch it :x

In other news, I was cleaning at work and a stack of wooden puzzles fell on my foot (they were haphazardly stacked too high--this was in the toy department, where I was helping--and I wasn't even touching them when they slid off the shelf). It hurt like a bitch at the time, but soon, the surge of endorphins obscured the pain. I didn't think much of it until I got home and took my shoes and socks off. There's already a little bruise where the direct impact was, I guess. I wonder what it'll look like tomorrow :| If it's worse than I thought, I guess I'll have to report it at work.

Bleh... Bry's birthday is coming up and I have no idea what to get her. What do you want, fool?!

I had an idea for a Halloween costume, but I don't think I'll piece together an outfit.... Once upon a time, I really enjoyed Halloween. It's still my favorite holiday, I just don't have any motivation to celebrate anything. Maybe I'll change my mind... I've got a couple weeks.

I've been having a lot of weird dreams lately. Some involve people from my past. I've also been having a lot of repressed memories surface, which is bitterweet.

There's nothing like doing or hearing something that reminds you of someone you used to love or maybe even still love. Can't do much but sigh and close your eyes when a memory like that comes back. It'll saturate you for a moment, then drift back to where it came from.

Maybe that's the cause of my weird dreams... or maybe the dreams are causing the flashbacks. Either way, murrrrr.

I've felt like shit all day long. That vertigo thing... started coming back about a week ago and today it was really bad. I went to get a drink at a water fountain and about dived into the drain. If I hadn't grabbed the sides, I'm sure I would have smashed my face right into it. It all went downhill from there. Every time I bent over to pick something up, my head started to spin. Of course, I kept dropping shit, which just made me angier and angrier as the night went on. More than once, I wanted to just lie down on the floor and die.

And turning over in bed too fast leads to lots of whimpering and dry heaving.

I wish this shit would go the fuck away... I'm not even sure which ear is causing it or if it's both. I can't really afford to go to the doctor about it--a real doctor, not some UTC fuck who just hands you a prescription and sends you on your way. -___-

Hmm... In other news, my mother's been annoying me lately (calls 5 times a day to talk about nothing and ask me to come over). Her blood pressure has been out of control again. She's mad at my sister.

Oh! That brings up some interesting dirt. My sister has been spending lots of time with a guy she works with and may or may not be cheating on her husband. This guy is also married.

Now, I haven't spoken to my sister personally in months. I don't much care for her, since she's a selfish, holier-than-thou bitch... but that's just how I feel. I never liked her, but I love her because she's my sister, pretty much. I don't even like loving her >_> and I'd never fucking tell her I love her. I'd sprout wings and fly to hell first.

ANYWAY, she's having lots of regrets about her life and where it is right now... thinks she might leave her husband and some other crap.

Pisses me off, but what can I do? I'm not even supposed to know. I hope she screws her head on right and doesn't fuck everything up.

So, I had a very, uh, teenage moment at work tonight. I came into work wearing makeup... which is not something I do much (read: never). Mark it up to boredom. Anyway, I'm immediately accosted by coworkers.... "You're wearing makeup?" "Who is he?" "What did you do today?" etc. Right.... One girl in particular took great pleasure in making me blush as she dumped compliments on me about the makeup (mind you, it was only eyeshadow and mascara, which took all of 2 minutes to put on).

But that's not the teenage moment I'm referring to. Oh, no, the same girl later insisted I was wearing the makeup for a guy, implying that I had been out with a guy earlier in the day. After I finally got her to understand that this was not the case, she somehow turned the conversation to what guys in the store we thought were cute. -_-

Gods.

I haven't had a conversation like that in at least 10 years. The only grain of valuable information gained from this conversation was that she and I are both apparent cradle-robbers, since the only boys we found "cute" are each wayyyyy younger than us.

As you can probably guess, I won't be wearing makeup to work again. Being plain Jane is much more relaxing.

So, I finally got around to looking at one of my recent bank statements... And apparently, they've been drawing out 10 bucks every month from my savings for it being under the "minimum balance." I didn't even know there was a minimum balance... And I'm fucking pissed off as all hell that none of the tellers I've spoken to in the last 5 months bothered to say, "Hey, you're depositing money... maybe you should deposit some into your savings instead of your checking account."

Those motherfuckers. I wish to god that I'd caught this on the first bank statement where I was below this minimum balance. For all I know, this bullshit has cost me 80 bucks. So, now I have to haul my ass over to the bank tomorrow and say, "Remember that 800 bucks I deposited the other day? I wanna transfer it into my savings so you guys can stop sucking money out of my pocket every month." Goddammit. And it's not like I don't look at my bank statements. I just look for the usual... you know, balances, purchases, interest... But then today, I saw a ten dollar "maintenance fee" on my checking and my first thought was "What the fuck is that?" then I read lower about my savings and saw $10 fee on my savings for being below the minimum and said, "What the fucking fuck is that?!"

*Grumble.* I hate banks, I really do. I wish I could keep my money in my fucking mattress like they used to do during the Great Depression. And I'm sure when I ask about the "maintenance fee" on my checking they'll have some bullshit excuse for that which they'll assume I should already know about. I didn't even fucking know my savings had a minimum balance. They sure as hell didn't tell me that when I opened it many years ago.

So, the evil empire kinda gave the job I wanted to a kid that just turned 18, and I'm kinda pissed off and kinda deciding whether I'm going back from my lunch break or not... hmm.

All I can say is "What the FUCK..." This position, which I told them I wanted from the beginning and have five years of experience for, was never announced available to me. Instead of them even offering it to me, they move a kid hired after me to the department.

Aside from all this bullshit, I'm really fucking sick of the place. I don't even give a shit if I'm late. Sometimes I leave the house when I'm supposed to be clocking in, and I think to myself, "Oh, well." I have to force myself to even go.

I wish I could find something else. This shitty job pays decently, but the hours suck and the people suck... pretty much everything else besides the pay sucks.

Grrr.

Alright. Let's see what this pill does!

For the last... 3-4 hours or so, I've been trying to sleep. Unfortunately, I have recently acquired something of a chest cold. It is not only suffocating me... it is trying to eat my face off. So, I just got up and took some cough medicine. I dread going back to bed and staring into nothing while listening to my lungs wheeze with every breath. On the other hand, I'm fucking tired. And sneezing once in a while uncrontrollably isn't helping that, either.

I would like to take my immune system out of my body, beat the living shit out of it, and bury it. Seems like the last few months have been a series of stupid illnesses that do nothing but annoy me. It is wearing me out.

I want to crawl under a rock and die. D: Okay... at least sleep. Today is my damn day off, too, and it will be utterly wasted sleeping and trying to recoup from this bullshit cold. Fuck a duck until it turns blue.

And how are you doing?

Eheh.. . . So, that vertigo thing? Never has gone away. It comes and goes, and today it's been pretty bad (not as bad as the first day I noticed it). It worsens when I tilt my head back or lean to the left or bend forward for too long. It's especially bad when I'm in bed and roll over (god, just thinking about it makes me feel pukey).

So, I took one of the precription decongestants they prescribed when my mom called and nagged the UTC. It definitely had an affect on me; I'm not certain the side effects are worth it (drowsy as fuck right now and I had plenty of sleep/rest last night, sort of mentally out to lunch all day, cotton mouth, etc.). But if it dries my head out like it's supposed to, then hopefully it will get the crap out of my inner ears.