*currently listening to The Smiths' How Soon is Now?*

Wow, I went to bed at 8pm last night. Okay.... so, I crashed. That's what being unable to sleep more than 3 hours for more than 3 days does to me.

Not like I do that on purpose. I get up early. I go to bed at a reasonable time, but I lie there for hours before I drift off. It's stress, I know. But what do I have to stress over?

Oh, just the fact that I have no direction, no goals, and no one to nudge me in the right direction.

Whine, bitch, whine!

Gods, I hate myself for that.

I'm in school, taking classes that will one day help me get a degree in something or other. I don't even know for which degree I'm going. I was an art major for a semester... hahahah...

It's been english for a while now. Trouble is, I perceive literature diffrently than most people (maybe cuz I'm slightly dyslexic and maybe cuz I'm psycho), so I don't see what the professors want me to see. >_<

But I enjoy writing. It comforts me.

I've filled over 10 journals as my own little catharsis, but I write fiction mostly. Even started a few novels... that never get finished because of school and work.

Ah, work... seems like my bank account isn't getting any fatter. It just stays about the same size. I've got enough money to pay for an education that I don't want. Let's just hope my car doesn't decide to croak (knock on... uh.. formica--ya know, that synthetic wood crap).

I'm in school because my parents want me to be. I have no idea what I even want to do with my life. I'm living at home just to be able to dedicate time to school while working part time. If I worked full time, I know I'd fail my classes and waste a lot of money in the process. What the hell am I going to do when I do move out, hopefully next year?

See? More stress. I worry about the future too much because it's forced on me. Why the hell do I care what my parents think? My sister surely didn't. She fell into married life and has two kids. I think she's bitter. I hear things she says about me, and I just wonder to myself, "What did I ever do to her?" Is she upset that I didn't turn out like her? The woman makes me so uncomfortable that I avoid seeing her, which makes me miss my nieces.

Shit.... That brings to mind my ex friend, Julie. I loved Julie more than my sister, because she played that role better than my blood sister. But Julie drove an invisble spike deep into my chest last year. She buried it to the hilt, without saying a word.

I'm sure I'll touch on that subject much more in the future, because it is still affecting me. But, anyway, she had a son. And I wanted to be there for that child like an aunt or godmother. It was the first baby in my life to whom I could have been attached. My brother was a burden to me. My nieces were the children of a woman I wanted nothing to do with. But this baby, this sweet little cherub that sprang from my best friend's body, was special to me. I didn't want to go a week without seeing him.

And then, faster than Flipper on speed, I wasn't part of his life anymore. I still let tears pour down my cheeks when I think about Julie and her son. When he was born, it was as if she had suddenly split into two people. I wanted to love them both as I had loved her before. I guess she didn't see that. She must not have seen me at all... She killed a part of me that had trusted her and loved her for ten year. Loved her more than my own sister, for the sake of the Gods!

The last time I saw her, she was divorcing her husband, and I couldn't have been happier. I hated that sorry SOB from the moment I met him. I tolerated him because he was her other half. But, damn, he was a moron. I heard recently through the grapevine that he's got another chick pregnant. Part of me wants to feel bad for Julie, because this only complicates her life. Another part says, "HAHAHAHAHAHA.........HA!"

*sigh*

Yep, that whole issue is still a big stresser in my life.

I need medication.

How am I supposed to feel like anyone can trust me and I can trust them, if my friend of ten years apparently didn't?

If I didn't have my other friends, I'm sure I'd be cremated and sitting in an urn by now.

My life, the made-for-tv movie.

=/