currently: I'm going to fucking kill someone.

*listening to Wumpscut, Wolfsheim, and Rob Zombie on shuffle*

My connection keeps randomly fucking me. Also, my computer in general is possessed. By possessed, I mean that it kicks into screensaver mode whenever it pleases (when before I couldn't get this PC to do that when I wanted it to) and IE keeps crashing.

Fuck you MR BEAR!

I so stole this following idea from my cohort in dementia, Kuroiko.

The following text is a bit selected from one of my hard copy/physical diaries. These (and maybe more to come) were chosen randomly.

Dec. 5, 2000
It's a sad state when you have the time to sit down and try to think of one reason not to hate yourself. When you have nothing left but the sound of your own beating heart and your pathetic attempt at breathing to keep you company. I almost feel as if I'm in the ground and people are trampling on my grave. I'm trying to think of something moving to say, but the words aren't coming. The ability to make sense is fogged when I'm so angry at myself. It's always something minor that sets it off. And I was doing so well. My self-loathing was at an all-time low since gradeschool for just a few days. but I haven't cut myself yet, so I guess things aren't so bad. Don't think I don't yearn the sting of fresh cuts, though. I want it now. I need that distraction. My scars are so ugly. I used to pretend I didn't see them, but now I know they are there. It's as if someone turned on a light to reveal more of my own ugliness to me. Look at yourself. You're a sad, sad girl. That's just one insignifigant part of me that will die with me. Something no one else need know. I try not to keep secrets, but some things aren't for other's ears. My head swells with the fever of idiocy. I will fall to the ground, crumbling to pieces.... and melt away because I am solid ice and my thoughts are pure fire. How simple. Go ahead, blow me away. I'm already evaporating on the pavement. I'm getting closer.

That was soon after Julie decided to ignore me. I was feeling like shit, can you tell?

Dec. 11, 2000
It's true I have been miserable most of my life... But I have a few years left, right? Or is saying that have I signed my own death warrant? I'm an adept user of negative magic. I have very rarely used it to harm anyone. I've had no need. But suddenly... I feel I am using it on myself. And the numbness I felt last year is slipping over me like a sheath. I'm going to lose my heart... and this time, I may not get it back. All the better for one who is celibate, I suppose. So, where do I go from there? It's plain to see that I have no purpose. That pain consumes me whether I fight it off or not. I'm not far from sleeping forever. If even someone I've known for ten years does not really know me, then why should I know people at all? I feel so far away. Land is a long way from me and the waves are pulling me under. The riptide is tugging at me. Further and further out I go. Soon all I can see is the light reflecting off the sea's surface... and then it darkens, too. The cool blankness stabbing every inch of my skin makes me think I'm still alive for a moment. But then it goes, as well, and there's nothing. Where is my body? Where did I die? Why aren't you here? Why am I alone? "You don't see me... you don't see me. You don't... you don't see me at all." So, here is where I sleep--when the creeping stillness of morning comes, I beg it to go away. I run away from it with one hand covering my eyes. I lie exposed on the floor. My skin pulsing with waves of gooseflesh. And then I rise because I have no where else to go. All beauty fades. All intelligence is stripped away. Everything is wiped clean, and I get another chance. Are all the things I've expressed curdling on the stove? The stove of my mind? I wish only good things for you, Justin. And because I do, you don't get them. Forgive me that. I spoke to him earlier for a few moments. He seemed unhappy. This gives me the will to forget my anguish for a while and concentrate on his. That's what friends are for, ne? He's not where he used to be in my mothering heart, but he's still there. Everyone stays there now. I can't let go. I live and feast on the past.

Bright ray of sunshine, at your service.

The following entry is actually one of my favorites of all the entries in that diary:

Jan. 15, 2001
Initiating data compression. Begin cycle. Please enter your digital access code. INSOMNIA. Code accepted. Please verify the time. 4:30am. Time verified. State your current frame of mind. DEAD TO THE WORLD. Please specify your death. EMINATE. Processing Data entered. SEARCH FOR MEANING OF LIFE. Searching.... no data found. Please narrow your search. SEARCH FOR LIFE. Searching... system error. SPECIFY. System unable to locate subject "life." END SEARCH. Ending search. Awaiting new command. EVALUATE SYSTEM RESOURCES. Evaluating... System resources include: user data, memory, and user search. Resources insufficient at this time. EXPLAIN. User brain functions limited. Functions error. CONFIRM. Confirming... User functions restricted due to inactivity. INACTIVITY? Inactivity--period of no use. INITIATE USE. Initiating inactive functions... System error. TRY AGAIN. Initiating... Functions active. Awaiting your command. ARE RESOURCES SUFFICIENT NOW? Processing.... Affirmative. SEARCH FOR DREAM INCLUDING BOY IN DISGUISE. Searching... dream accessed. RECORD. File saved. Please title. TITLE: DISGUST. Title confirmed. Awaiting command. PUT ME TO SLEEP. Processing.....

I think my brain was severely fuct up from insomnia and listening to far too much EBM.

Now, I'm gonna go drink a lot of water and melt into the couch.

K�nstliche Welten

Ich komm� zu dir
Halt� deine Hand
Wir gehen gemeinsam durch dies wunderbare Land
Sad ich f�r dich erfand
Mit mathematischem Verstand

Eind Wunder hier
Ein Traum gleich dort
Grad� noch hier mein Angesicht
Doch du siehst mich nicht

Ish wei� genau was dir gef�llt
Ich schaff dir eine neue Zauberwelt
In der kein Regen f�llt
In der nur deine Warheit z�hlt

Ich zeig dir Berge
Zeig dir Seen
Hier brauchst du alles nur mit meinen Augen sehen
Und nicht zu verstehen
Keine Angst du kanns ruhig mit mir gehen

In ein gro�es All
Ganz f�r dich allein
Hier Kannst du endlich mal du selber sein
Im Neon-Sonnenschein
Fang ich dir deine W�nsche ein

Wolfsheim