currently: I've been good. I deserve a nap.

*listening to Rasputina, "Cabin Fever!"*

Star Wars: Attack of the Clones. Go see it for Yoda. The romantic says, "The romance was complete crap. If people fell in love like that, I'm afraid I would be forced to kill them." But Yoda is cool. And R2. R2 is my hero.

No letter in the mail today. =(

Ow... Oww. Pay no attention. It's the old intuition kicking me in the gut. Bad things are coming.

some things are not made to last

I'm often asked where I came up with my screen name. Over four years ago, I randomly came up with the handle "fyx" as I was listening to Nine Inch Nails Broken, which made me think of Fixed.... well, you get the idea. Then, I found that most screen names have to be more than 3 characters long, which led to the extention "ation." And there you have it. Fyxation.

I have become so accustomed to the name Fyx that I prefer it Sam. In actuallity, I despise "Sam." Hearing it is equivalent to fingernails scraped down a chalkboard. Please, don't call me Sam. Call me by my name, and if that is such a trying task, anything but Sam will do. Death, Fyx, Evil One, Fucker..... anything but Sam.

I believe I have mentioned that before, but I feel like restating it for those of you who don't read the archived entries.

It is time for me to do something else.

11:56 a.m.

currently: what goes up... eventually lands on my head

*listening to Tool, Lateralus*

Look, from this point forward, I will make an effort to maintain a normal bloggy format when I have multiple entries in one day.

Just like today's cherished bRAiN DuMp (tm The Krystal Lounge), I will put newer words on top of old ones. This way, you don't have to scroll down to see what I've added or miss something if you're not inclined to do that.

No, I didn't get much sleep. But I'm not worried about it. I sense a nap in my future. And I sense a disturbance in the Force. Wait, that's me going to Star Wars.

Hmmm.... I was thinking earlier (imagine that, me thinking) about my relationships with the Justins. It occurred to me that I've never had a sexual thought about either of them, which led me to ponder just how nigh incestuous it would be if I did--therefore, I am glad. They are two males that provide me with a small amount of polarity. My brothers.

I enjoy the company of males. I am not sure why. Maybe they enjoy my company because I do not carry around that "tension" or make them perform for my benefit. I hate it when someone puts on a facade while in my presence. I feel like grabbing the twit by the collar and proclaiming, "I see through you! You're a fool if you believe others do not!"

Where was I?

I noticed Rask put on a facade many times if his brothers or friends were around. Suddenly, he would become a jerk--as if to insure his cool indifference while talking to me. He was more apt to insult me. I wonder if he thought I would not notice. I notice damn near everything. From the subtle change in his breathing to the pitch of his voice. Hnn, no, I don't think he realizes how quickly he changes depending on who's around.

We each have our defense mechanisms. I see it as his way of distancing me and making me less real. Such behavior borders on using me. Those who use me shall face my wrath.

I am expecting a letter from him in the mail. ^_^ How I love handwritten letters. They make me happy. Writing them and receiving them both make me happy.

Swing on a spiral

4:34 a.m.

currently: pensive

I realize I should be in bed by now, thank you. It was not so long ago that someone would keep me up 'til the wee hours of morning just to say three words.

I was reading through my hard copy diary... reading the rise and fall of Rome. And now it's in the Dark Ages.

World, the State took my brother away from my mother. Yes, it finally happened. I had the computer online all day, otherwise I'm sure my mother would have whimpered in my ear until it bled. She had the audacity to blame my father, who is of no relation to the child. I suppose she was looking for anyone to blame but herself, for how could a woman who never even attempted to discipline a mentally unstable child be to blame?

Would it be cruel of me to be glad that my brother cannot harm anyone now, that he can be looked after now, and that my mother can stop making excuses for him now?

The birds are beginning to sing.

Water is calling me.