currently: shakin' off the bad stuff

*listening to VNV Nation's "Genesis" singles 1 & 2; Apoptygma Berzerk, Harmonizer*

I feel like shit.

Hnn.

Rob, the brainless wonder, messaged me yesterday. He was entirely too eager to tell me about his little trip out to his old cyber lover's home, where he lived for two weeks until her brother and he got in a fight. (I think it is far too easy to assume that the fight was over the fact that he's young enough to be the woman's child.... So, I didn't bother asking. Besides, that might imply that I care.) What a fuct up little world. I'd like to say, "Rob, I'm happy for you. You found someone. Nevermind she's twice your age and has kids. It's your happiness that matters," but I can't say that cuz I could give a good goddamn about his happiness. And it's just so stupid! I'm almost glad he's deluding himself into believing something could work out with her, because it means karma is finally about to bite him on the ass. If he's too stupid to see that he's setting himself up for failure, BY ALL MEANS, let him see it through.

Yes, I am a cynic. I see things as they are and cut right through the bullshit. I don't have time for bullshit. I don't cling to hopes and fantasies as if they'll come true just because I think or want them to. Reality is a brutal bitch. But it's easier to accept.

Sure, I've got some hopes and fantasies, and I'm prepared to meet them or dismiss them. Optimism left me a long time ago. What is is.

Now I'm going to take a fucking nap, because my head is boiling. Too bad I don't have a fox tail to use as a pillow.

12:57 p.m.

currently: *sniff*

I once knew a woman with a sweet personality. She was smart and kind and was quickly liked by anyone who crossed her path. I knew her for three years and easily considered her one of my few friends at work. She had begun going to the same gym I go to only a handful of weeks ago, and I would always chat with her when I saw her because I enjoyed her company.

She died two days ago.

I went into work, drifting into what I thought would be another mindless shift of stocking and counting. When I discovered the tragic news, it felt as though I had walked into the Twilight Zone. I didn't know what to think, and shock was setting in like a rock dropped from the Empire State Building. For three and a half hours, I tried to contain the shock.... As the managers called the employees to a meeting and began talking about her and us and the pain of the loss, many of us cried openly. I broke. I just stood there, letting the tears roll down my cheeks, watching my coworkers crying all around me. She was young. She had kids. She had a hard life. The entire store was grieving, because we all loved her. I cannot imagine never seeing her again. It's too unreal. Unreal.

Immediately, I do the human thing and wonder why. Why her? She was such a good person. She was one of the best people in the world... and she died? That hardly seems fair.

I plan on going to her funeral as soon as it's arranged. An autopsy is being conducted to determine just what happened. She died in her sleep, they say.

I'll never see her at work again. I'll never see her at the gym again. I'll never see Colette again. I'm going to miss her terribly. Everyone that knew her... we're all going to miss her so much.