currently: pensive

I wish I had some remarkable talent or skill. All I seem to be good at anymore is babbling about nothing.

I will be okay, no da? I'm starting to think that I've been lucky to at least have a some kind of glimpse of love before I continue on my path.

I don't like being told to get a boyfriend. Least of all by the one I'm still madly in love with. No, deary, I'll be fine going back to the person I was before you came along. What am I saying? Feh.... I really am a destructive romantic, aren't I? It's impossible to pry my mind off what I love.

I see blue lights in your eyes
Reflections of another land

Hmmm... remember?

Blue Moon... you saw me standing alone
Without a dream in my heart
Without a love of my own

That was so long ago, yet if feels like yesterday.

I wonder what my hard journal says for this day last year...

I know that whatever I strive for, I never get. But I keep striving because the fantasies propel me towards wanting it. In the end, will I give up my convictions for just a little taste of the impossible dream? I'm hopeless in every aspect. I want too much. Sometimes, everything in the world seems like a fantasy, and what's going on in my head is all that is real. If projecting it on someone else made it even a little bit real, then I can give it a try. I've still got some years left. I might as well do something with them.

And then I stop to think, why bother? Nothing will remain when I die. And I am going to die. It's the one thing that's real that I can hold onto. But just because I'm going to die, it doesn't mean I can't accomplish something now. When I die, I want to feel like life was worth all the pain. I don't know why. I guess I don't want to face the fact that life has no meaning when I go. I know it's futile, but I want to think that I was born for something. At this point, I don't care what it is or how trivial. And, yes, there are trivial things in the world. Not everything is precious. Someone once reminded me that a dream is a wish the heart makes. If that were the case, my heart wishes to see me toothless, but I digress... I used to have these wonderful dreams when I was young. Now, I'm lucky if I can remember one dream a week. Ah, well, I miss those impossible scenarios trickling over my grey matter.

That was what I wrote August 6, 2001. Things haven't really changed, have they?

8:49 p.m.

currently: why's it always rain on me?

*listening to VNV Nation, Empires*

Too much Rurouni Kenshin in one time frame. Brain turning to slushy rice-like substance. NANIIIIIIII.....?

3 DVD's left to watch *dansu dansu*

Isn't trying to distract yourself from feeling any pain so much fun?! Ee... pathetic, ne?

Do you know how long it has been since I've seen blood flow? There's no place for pain like that here. Simply turn the volume up. Assail the neighbors with bass to rock the very foundations of their houses. Drown out the sound of your blood vessels tearing apart. Hear not the cancerous cells constantly mutating. Fists slammed into walls, screams between the refrain... who hears these things but you? Is this not the fitting wedding music for one so intent on self-destruction? If you don't invite madness in, it comes in on its own.

We accept that which we cannot change. We accept that which we cannot have. We accept that which we cannot promise. We accept that which we cannot do. Ahh, well, while you're so content to believe that, I think I'll go piss on the moon.

I am glad that I had something.

In other news, I can't say that you're losing me. No... wait... that's not me. Aw, great, now my room smells like cologne. I think I should go on a great journey of the self. Like Sidarthra... er.. fuck, I can't remember how to spell it. My point is, I need a little enlightenment. Now, I'm not talking an epiphany of universal proportions; I just want something that will give me a little clarity. But how do I begin this journey? With my left or my right foot. No, seriously.

I'll defy what I would become

Sometimes, I'm afraid of myself. And well I should be. I've got a mean punch. Goddamn, I can't think worth a shit right now.

And there's my love, chirping like a fox chasing a grasshopper.

Oro.

1:24 p.m.

currently:

*listening to Apoptygma Berzerk, Harmonizer*

holy shite... I'm looking at a banner for Kuroiko's diary @_@. Filled with chewy nougat? And people think I'm crazy.

Anywho, I specifically popped on here to post lyrics (what else is new?)

These tears I've cried
I've cried 1000 oceans
and if it seems
I'm floating in the darkness
Well, I can't believe that you would keep
Keep me from flying
And I would cry 1000 more
if that's what it takes
to sail you home
sail you home
sail you home

I'm aware what the rules are
But you know that I will run
You know that I will follow you
Over silbury hill
Through the solar field
You know that I will follow you

And if I find you there
Will you still remember
Playing at trains
Or does this little blue ball
Just fade away
Over silbury hill
Through the solar field
You know that will follow you
I'm aware what the rules are
But you know that I will run
You know that I will follow you

These tears I've cried
I've cried 1000 oceans
And if it seems
I'm floating in the darkness
Well, I can't believe that I would keep
Keep you from flying
So, I will cry 1000 more
If that's what it takes
To sail you home
Sail you home
Sail you home

1000 Oceans/Tori Amos

I'm thinking about writing a short story in somewhat of I Am Sam fashion, in which the main character can speak in nothing but lyrics.

Oh, I called off from work today.

Don't make me sad. I can do that on my own.

I had an extremely sexual dream earlier. I should say it was a nightmare, really. When I woke up from it, I felt like throwing up. I'll not go into detail... It was unpleasant, let's leave it at that.

Well, I've lost my RO character and the international servers are shutting down. I wouldn't have played it anymore without Rask, anyway. Which makes me wonder if I should get a Gamecube and PSO.... It wouldn't be the same without him. Still, I am curious to see what the game looks like. Perhaps I can coax some people I know into playing it with me. I know C is going to play. So, I'll have at least one person to talk to. If I do buy the game, I'll be playing a male character this time. I don't need another harem of teenage boys trying to give me items. >_<

I have 6 months, as I said long ago. And maybe it involves the Master Plan. Yet, even I don't know when the 6 months start. It's just time. I can do with it what I want. The highroad of celibacy (whatever that is) has signs left and right, begging to be taken. But I have tunnel vision.