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Hmmm.

I hate you so much right now.

Klaatu barata nikto.

Cease and desist.

Well, now, I feel like freeze-dried shit that's been thrown under a steamroller. Have to go to work in about 20 minutes. You know it's bad when I'm looking forward to working so I don't have to think about my heart being being skewered by stupidity and self-hatred. Now I'm dreading my three day weekend... And all the time I'll have to myself.

Inconsolable. Everything I touch turns to shit. I hate crying. I haven't cried in a very long time up until going to bed last night. Worst conversation ever. And that feeling is still hanging onto my eyelids, getting heavier with each inch my friend pulls away.

Ah, the peaceful sound of Toni sanding a dollhouse...

I feel this is some sort of wicked revenge for all the noise I make! HAH!

In an effort to narrow down the unnecessary bullshit in my life, I have tried to bring up topics with two people I care a lot about. The reason behind this is a selfish one, but a very important one if I am going to get anything out of life in the coming year.

One of these people is a friend with whom I have shared a lot of time, though all online. He's almost a constant presence the moment I sit down in my chair to the moment I unplug. One could say I have a certain attachment and fondness for him but nothing more. Still, it's a mutual parasitism, and I don't know how to ease myself away from him without hurting him.

Now the simple solution would be just cleanly breaking the connection with him, letting him know that I can't continue as we are now because it's straining my already fragile grip on sanity. You have to give up the crutches at some point if you wish to walk again, right?

I hate losing friendships. It's one of the shittiest feelings in the world. I'm aware that it's part of life, but that doesn't make it suck any less. I want him to stay my friend even if things aren't what they used to be.

The same goes for the other person. That's a much more delicate matter since I work with him. We've been friends since some time around March, I think. We've never dated (at least, that's his story), but we spend a lot of time together. I think he's become attached to me recently, as his behavior has changed slightly... And while it's sweet and unfamiliar territory for me, I don't think I like circumstances of how it came to be. I would explain more, but the nature of the story is too intimate to go blogging about.

So, why does any of this matter? Why have I been broaching topics with them that need to be out in the open? 'Cause I have a fox nagging the ever-loving crap out of me to shit or get off the pot... for lack of prettier words. So, bring on the Charmin, goddammit, I am sick of this.

Finally, I'm going to let the inevitable happen. Maybe it'll put to rest some old demons, maybe it'll give new ones life. Anything's better than more wishywashy BS, ne?

The last year has been a long walk through a parallel universe. Nothing has made a damn bit of sense, and I feel "unwashed and somewhat slightly dazed."

Here I am, 29, and just getting my feet wet. That is, I'm wandering through a forest and crossing streams I never imagined I would. That in and of itself doesn't feel too strange, actually... Weird things happen all the time which are only weird to me and every day crap for others.

I keep wondering if I am going to wake up and all of this will have been a dream. Sometimes I wish it were. This is soooo not who I am.

Well, I just got my car. I got a little misty-eyed when I was driving away from Pandora. I have a garbage bag full of random stuff that was inside her... cassettes from years passed, windshield scrapers, notes to myself, etc.. I even took the little rat off her windshield and put it on the dashboard of my Camry.

It's sad how attached I was to that car--I did drive it for 10 years. Up until recently, the only problems it ever gave me were the exhaust rusting out. That's it. I had to replace a pipe behind the muffler twice and the muffler once. I'm lucky to have gotten 500 for it... it's pretty much scrap now, which makes me sad T_T It had 114,900 miles on it.

I hope this car treats me as well as my last one. I upgraded my insurance today. I am still on my dad's policy, which is good because he gets a deep discount for being with the company for almost 20 years.

They gave me new tires and filled up the tank like I asked. I need to get some car mats and bumperstickers! I can't think of a name for it yet.

Murrrrrrrrr. I am glad to have a new car, I really am, but it still feels strange. The end of an era! Now I have to learn the quirks and curves of a new machine.... That is much, much bigger than Pandora.

Le sigh.

What a crazy goddamn week.

I arrived at work on Wednesday, clocked in, came out to my department for a few minutes when I was alerted that my car was "on fire."

Wat.

They apparently put it out. By the time I got out to look at it, all I saw was some soot on the ground. No visible damage to the car on the outside. Inside my trunk, however, the interior had been melted through by the exhaust.

Okay, okay, my car is a piece of shit. It has needed a tune-up for quite some time, and I've just been too lazy to get it fixed. It's 18 years old, ffs... I knew it wasn't going to last me much longer.

After work, my dad came to follow me to a service station. I left it there, knowing they'd check it out by Friday.

Thanksgiving was good. I lounged about and Toni and I cooked a nice meal, which we shared with my dad and John A. (who altruistically traded shifts with me so I could have T-giving off).

I went to work this morning at 4:30, borrowing Toni's car. Black Friday hell ensued. I bought a few cheap things we had on sale, drove home, checked my voicemail. Oh. God. The service station had called. So, I called them back....

The place I took it was way way way overpriced, but it was close and I didn't have much choice in the matter. It was either that or get a tow. Anyhow, they wanted around $1,250 to give it a tune-up, flush the transmission fluid, fix the axles on the front tires, plus all labor. Yeah, right.

My dad picked me up after he got off work, and we drove over there to pick up the car. It wasn't quite ready, so I paid for my diagnostics (which they wanted $92 for, but I talked them down to half), and my dad took me over to Glenn. That's where I got the Prizm 10 years ago.

We were out there 3 minutes when a saleman approached us and started showing us some cars. I took a Camry for a test drive and really liked it. The price wasn't too bad for an 04, so I had them pull up some numbers.... Assuming I can drag my POS there on Monday and get $500 off the Camry, I am now the proud owner of a Toyota.

I don't know whether to throw up, get really drunk, or cry into my pillow. I'm dropping 5k up front on it and paying $180 a month for the next 5 years. It comes with a 4 year full coverage warranty, and I got the tire/rim warranty also. Now, I just have to upgrade my insurance, clean out the Prizm, and get it over there on Monday to get my new car.

After the paperwork, we picked up Pandora (that's the Prizm's name... don't ask me why), and I drove her to my dad's house. She sputtered out 3 times before I even made it there. I shit you not, she was running worse than when I took her into the service station. Fucking mechanics -_- I'm borrowing my dad's car (also a POS) for the weekend.

And there you have it. Now I'm going to eat leftovers and cry like a little wussy girl over money. I have been saving money for years for 2 things... braces and a new car. I haven't gotten the braces yet, and now I'm buying a friggin' car... /EMO DESU.

Oh, well, at least I have good credit. For now, anyway. I'm going to have to be extra stingy to make up for it. I feel so icky spending a lot of money on a car. At least it's not terribly old. It has a few miles on it, but the warranty makes up for it. Oh, and it's black. No more Optimus Prime's butt blue. Yay for that. And they're giving me new tires because I asked for them. And they're filling up the tank because I just filled up the Prizm, goddammit, and it's the principle!!! Or some such.

Fuck, I can't believe I just bought a car.

I hope my insurance isn't ridiculous.

I am so sad.

I just had a dream that some guy gave me a facial piercing high up on my cheek. There was lots of pain, lots of blood, and an almost erotic rush afterward. Needless to say, it was really fucking weird.

I've only been sleeping in tiny increments of a few hours here and there because my ear/neck hurts so goddamn bad that the moment the tylenol or ibuprofen wears off, I am wide awake.

Anyhow... that dream was fucking bizarro.

Demon spawn have been nibbling on me in my sleep and thus causing an allergic reaction all over my body. It does not make for a very happy Fyxy.

Procrastination is at an all time high, folks. What you see here is a failure to... get off my ass.

I am so fucking tired. But I still want to cuddle D: Man, this sucks. I'm getting a headache from trying to not go to sleep, and it's not even 9pm. Efffffffff.

The good news is that I am off tomorrow and Sunday by some magical stroke of luck. /cheer.

Fuck it. I can't write anything right now.

I have this nasty habit of pulling away from people after I've unknowingly upset them or I think I've upset them... But I'm not sure... And I don't know how to bring it up or fix it. Go me. I'm downright avoidant and childish, sometimes. But I would rather have a good pout or hide in the corner while scratching my head than make things worse.

Occasionally, I cowboy up and awkwardly try to talk to the person whose cereal I pissed in. My temper usually makes this a very bad attempted resolution, though. I find it better to just wait out the storm clouds and resurface when the skies are clear. Of course, this can sometimes lead to profuse bottling of emotions and tongue-biting. Passive-aggressive bullshit is a fine art.

And on that note, it's time to turn in and "woe is me" away in the paper diary.

I'm finally starting to feel a bit more... For a while there, I was going completely numb. This happens when I'm over-stimulated or under-stimulated. For the most part, I've just been a ball of confusion, lately. The fog is clearing, though, so hopefully I'll be more motivated to get things done.

This is a very good thing. For the last several months, all I have been doing is sleeping and working. I've put off several fucking things that need to be done... for no other reason than laziness coupled with depression. It's hard to find motivation to do anything when you feel like crap all the time.

I swear to [insert deity of choice here], I was losing all feeling emotionally. Even at my worst, I couldn't squeeze out a single tear for self-pity. Even the most intimate moments in my life were filtered down to tactile sensations... I might as well have been reading a book.

Work's shitty scheduling has been kicking my ass. I just need to roll with it, though... Stop being so selfish about time that I don't even use wisely.

I spent my two days off last week being sick with a cold. Fortunately, it's leveled off and hasn't drained into my chest. Sinus headaches and congestion abound, but I feel a lot better than I did just two days ago. I must have slept 12 hours on each of those days.... Being sick doesn't usually wipe me out like that. The night before last and last night, I didn't sleep for shit, so I'm going to crash early tonight. Gotta work 7-4 tomorrow, anyway, so I might as well go to bed at a decent time.

I just hope I can hang onto this reprieve from feeling poorly.

Fuck you, body. Seriously. My period started today, so that explains the radical mood swing...

It's been exactly 17 days since my last period. If you can call it that.

Rage.

I bought 2 CDs today to make the day a little more enjoyable: Shiny Toy Guns, "We are Pilots" and Nightmare Revisited, which is Nightmare Before Christmas songs re-imagined by artists including Shiny Toy Guns. Mwahahaha....

I still prefer to buy CD's rather than download songs. Don't get me wrong, I have a huge fucking collection of music on my computer and Zen, but I like to have something tangible. While I know that everything suffers or is blessed with impermanence, data on a hard drive is much more susceptible to being lost forever than my CDs. Chances of a hard drive dying/frying/being shocked are greater than the chances of my CDs taking water damage or being lost to fire or carelessness.

Which reminds me.... I should back up my MP3s.

I hate feeling like a grouchy bitch... but, mother of cocks, am I ever in a mood right now. The last couple of hours, I've been fuming with supreme hatred for every little goddamn thing, and I have no idea what's brought this on.

Let's go with lack of sleep and low blood sugar... even though I ate a lunchable a couple hours ago. Yeah, I need to go grocery shopping. Eat me.

It feels like... super-mega-testosterone PMS; however, I just had a period (if you can call it that) a few weeks ago. It was a few days early and came and went before you can say "stick this up your twat and be merry." Dunno what happened there... I was doing so well for a few months, then my body just said, "No, fuck you, we don't want to work this month."

Damn you, ovaries! Don't you sass me!

Maybe I should get on the pill or get another prescription for metformin -_- Blahhhhhhhh.... that means going to the gyno. I will wait and see how the next couple months go before I resort to that shit.

Hi, my name is Fyx, and this entry is apparently about my hoochacha.

Why am I so angry? Screw this with a packet of hot sauce. I'm going to bed.

Hmmm... I am at a loss for words to describe where I am in life right now. I need a nice, swift kick in the mental ass to get me out of this stupor. Everything is mundane and nothing is beautiful.

Boys on my left side, boys on my right side, boys in the middle, and you're not here, as Tori would sing.

I would give anything to shed this unneeded drama from my life, but I'm sure we all feel that way, yes?

Looking for that divine intervention that never comes, reaching for that rope that's never thrown, waiting for that hand-up that's never offered.... It's not coming, Fyx. Unfurl your wings and get the hell off the ground on your own.

Men are strange creatures. I will never claim to understand them.

That aside, I have 11 spider bites on me, and I'm slowly going insane from itching so badly. I bought calamine lotion and anti-itch cream for bug bites. They can only do so much.

Why the fuck do spiders like me so much and mosquitoes don't?

I just randomly started thinking about this girl I used to know through ICQ named Rhapsody. She was my one and only girl crush. :3

I still wonder to this day whatever happened to her. She vanished into thin air.

I just took a lortab, so I'm feeling all warm and weird. I felt like I needed it, though. My shoulders have been aching while I'm in bed, and my upper back/shoulders have been aching during the rest of the day. Not to mention my gimp lower back and that weird nerve pinch in my right leg. WTF?

And I don't really want to think about things that I've been thinking about today. Zwoooooooshhhhhhhh.

I don't feel comfortable airing out the sordid thoughts in my head as I once did here. This is partly because I'm aware of people close to me being able to read this... and that makes the writing less diary-like and more blog-like.

It's a pity because I have some pretty terrible emotions spilling out of my very fingertips and, as cathartic as it would be to share them, I am afraid to do so.

So, it all stays in my head or gets scribbled down in other places.

My procrastination is getting out of hand. I am not motivated to do anything, even if it desperately needs to be done. For examples, my car still needs to be fixed, and it's been about 3 weeks since I cracked the windshield, too. I never ventured over to school to see about getting my AA. I haven't looked into an orthodontist in months. I never went to the doctor about my ears. Etc.

I don't have the willpower to do anything for myself. Work, piddle, sleep. That's how my days unfold.

I'm not a very happy person, but then... when was I ever? I function better under certain circumstances, and circumstances right now aren't exactly rainbows and lollipops. In theory, I should be pretty content. I have a nice place to live, I'm paid very well at a work (which would be even nicer if they'd stop cutting hours), and my family and friends seem (for the most part) well. So, why am I such a misanthropic, lazy, depressed, unstable fucker?

I'm emotionally conflicted, for one. That's one of those things I don't want to write about here. YAY!