Mama always told me.... HURF HURF BLEEEEEEE

The shadow is lifting, but now I'm left with this damnable feeling of loneliness and it's annoying beyond words. Damn annoying.

Suspicion and doubt begin to fill the void. Two things I rather hate. Well, those and not being told out-right what's going on. Of course, these are probably sentiments shared by everyone.

I have become so needy that I sicken myself just thinking about it. *sigh*

Maybe there's some fear in the realization that the year is soon ending and it will mark a whole year vain pursuits in the the territory of love. Gawd, that sounded horrible. It is horrible. I'm aware of so little outside the fear and doubt that I can hardly see if there's any truth beyond it.

There's no place for me with you, is there? Or so you think. Or so you tell yourself. Or so you're making me believe. Or maybe it's all in my head. And maybe that's all I have because you won't say yes or no. "And maybe this is a cry for help."

How do I get myself into these situations? Like Perseus in Clash of the Titans... only no God is sticking up for me. Ya fuckers.

Toldja I was needy.

And now, forgotten.

currently: the usual

*listening to Poe, Haunted and David Bowie, Outside*

Nothing particular to write. Just in one of those moods to sing and write and generally forget the days gone by. La.

I've felt a little bit like Eeyore on barbituates. I can't even remember how to spell that, forgive me. I'm not usually this strongly afflicted with seasonal depression, but what the hell? Everybody's got to be down sometimes so they can realize how good they've got it when they're up, right? Yeah, even I don't buy it.

I was invited to another party. This one is actually Hallowe'en night. By some guy I went to high school with who I see only in passing these days. He talked comic books with me for a while. I was at work, so it was a welcome distraction. Whether I'll go to the party remains to be seen. I was thinking of dropping on on Kuroiko, actually. I'd rather spend quality time with one good friend than crappy time with a bunch of strangers.

I walked into my English class today and stood in front of the blackboard, wobbling on my feet and staring into nothing. One girl said, "Are you okay?" I slowly turned and looked at her, half aware that she was speaking to me. "Just tired," I think I mumbled. It was an understatement. The fact was, I could have curled up on the floor with my backpack as a pillow and gone into a coma. But I made it through the class, somehow. After I came home, I fell asleep around 8pm and woke up at 1am.

The new Tori cd comes out tomorrow. The one friggin' Tuesday I don't work, there's something I want to buy. *grumble* I'll have to crawl out of bed and call work to ask someone to hold me a copy of the special edition. Rarr.

I'm out of it. blurrbbiblurrb... duhhh.

dear world i'm pleased to meet you

*listening to VNV Nation, FuturePerfect*

Cockass once said that I reminded him of Thora Birch's character in Ghost World. Now having seen Ghost World, I would like to announce something: Cockass, I hope you never have children. In fact, I am considering insuring this with my foot planted firmly in your crotch.

I am everything most people try not to be. There's something to be proud of. Something of which to be proud. Prepositions musn't end a sentence. Fuck off.

no tears for me, no sympathy

I did my nails while watching Sybil. Some anticipatory ritual of perhaps leaving my mind behind for a while. It didn't work.

And I sit here, still, in a torn up dress I wore to my grandmother's funeral. That doesn't mean anything. It's just comfortable. Like a cat sleeping between your feet at night.

Something is very wrong with me today. I had the space heater on while I was napping, and now I have a window open and the fan on. If there were a nice open field around here, I would get on my knees and bow my head down to the ground. Dig my fingers into the grass and dirt and cling as if centrifical force were trying to throw me off.

There is still time. For what, I don't know.

I am dressed up. Well, as dressed up as I get. But I sit here, scratching my temple and wondering... how am I supposed to know where to go? Every once in a while, my psychic powers are in alignment--like today as I was driving hom from work. I thought, "Gee, I'd really like to see the end of Serendipity. Maybe If I'm lucky, it will be on when I get home." And I got home, changed out of my uniform, and sat down in front of the TV. I rarely sit in front of the TV anymore. I turned it on, and without changing the station, Serendipity was just starting. Hurrah. I finally got to see the end of this movie. A movie about fate.

Anyway, I have a phone number scribbled down somewhere which I could call and try to find out where I'm supposed to be going... but maybe just maybe fate's telling me to stay home.

*dresses down*

That feels better.

I'm not worried about it. I'm used to being a second thought. And I'm used to having no motivation to comply with people. It's not even 10:30 yet. I could change my mind.

I've got a feeling that tells me something is wrong
I guess I'm just jealous
but I'm afraid you know something I should know
Got a feeling deep inside that you know something I should know
I know that something isn't rignt
Cuz I hold secrets too ya know
Got a feeling deep inside that you know something I should know
I know that something isn't right
Cuz I hold secrets too ya know
I've got a feeling that tells me something's wrong
I guess I'm just jealous but I'm afraid you know something I should know too
Got a feeling deep inside that you know something I should know
I know that something isn't right
Cuz I hold secrets too ya know
Got a feeling deep inside that you know something I should know I know that something isn't right
cuz i hold secrets too ya know...
got a feeling deep inside....

Something I Should Know/Apoptygma Berzerk

I checked all my e-mail. I looked on AIM. *shrug* If I'm not given clear communication, I tend to not bother.

*falls over in fetal position* ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow.

currently: doing that bad 1920's bar singer impression

*listening to Poe, Haunted*

So, I went to work this morning on maybe 3 hours of sleep, and I have yet to take a nap. Needless to write, I'm a little slap-happy/dead.

I watched Sybil. It was four hours long @_@. PEGGY DOESN'T WANT TO TALK RIGHT NOW!

I'll always want you
I'll always need you
I'll always love you
And I will all always miss you

Oooh, I'm haunted. WEeeeeEee there went my train of thought. Volume a little too loud.

No, I haven't gotten directions yet. Eh. I have time to take a small nap, I think.

I will go mad

My eyelids are so heavy; they feel like someone's hooked bricks on them.

When I told my mother I was giving thought to moving far away, she nearly blew a fuse. I found this funny. She said, "But that's just a fantasy, right?" And I said, "No, it's an option." I feel like I have few options that are worth exploring. This one appeals to me, though.

it's your world, do with it what you want

Twenty-three years. And you still think me so naive. The pot calling the kettle black. Thoughtless, the way you think so highly of yourself even when you're in the gutter. Thoughtless, the way you let compliments pour from your lips in an effort to be approved. Heartless, the way you invoke guilt when you don't get your way. Tongue as sharp as razor blades. And do those old wounds taste good when you lick them open? Or does the salt springing from tightly shut eyes taste better?

I wanna walk to the beat of my own drum

In closing, do not purchase gasoline from Shell aka Royal Dutch Shell. They are evil and must be destroyed.

I would post the image for my quiz result but the pic is too damn big, so here's a link to it:
I am this car

which vehicle would you be?
brought to you by Quizilla

Uh... I am one ugly car.

and another:

i am



what sexual performer are you?

O_o I will agree with half of that. I'll not say which half.

currently: I've been faking a smile so long, I've forgotten what my real face looks like

*listening to Rasputina, How We Quit the Forest*

I saw Spirited Away today with Kuroiko. It was good. I can see why it made so much money in Japan. I liked Princess Mononoke better. Don't hurt me, Japan! aghhhhhhh! I mean, SA was good. Really good. Yummy, in fact. I dunno. Maybe I should see it again.

I have nothing really to write. I just thought I should. My fingers were itching to tap at the keys. =P You know how it is.

I'm in a relatively better mood. Relative to... driving into a wall at 85 mph. Still, there's a shadow just behind me.

He's agreed to take me to the ice hotel from the magazine...

I work 6-12 tomorrow. *sneer* I'll have to take a nap mid-day if I'm to go out tomorrow night.

I'm almost done with Lord of the Rings. I got farrrrr behind there for a bit, what with being sick and school work. Only a couple chapters left. Hurrah. The special edition of Fellowship comes out soon. *dansu* My Legolas standee is staring at me O_O! Whaaaat?!?!

Time to slink away.