Tick tock tick tock tick tock

Two Towers... *drool*

I have done nothing but work and sleep. Hurray for life. Indeed. And though sometimes I want to bang my head against the wall, I resist. For the wall is fragile and my thick skull is not.

READ MY FRAGMENT SENTENCES OF DESTRUCTION.

...hobbit music here

Oh no. I sense doom. O_O

My mother asked me what LOTR was about today. To appease her little mental capacity, I said, "It's about a midget that tries to save the world. And there are kings and wars and stuff." She replied, "Oh," to this and changed the subject.

I want to read the Hobbit. I haven't since I was in the 5th grade, and that was a time in my life when I hated reading... so, you can imagine how much I absorbed from the book then.

My dad said he set up a week of vacation with his Tymeshare for the spring. He asked me to pick out a place. Then he asked when my school was out, and I told him I was taking the semester off. He said, "Oh." (Oh seems to be rather common around here.) That's all he said. Not "why?" or "what the fuck?" or "Grrr." Just "Oh."

YES...... FUCK SCHOOL!

He wants to go to Myrtle Beach or some shit. -_- Whatever. I don't care. Vacation is vacation.

My tummy hurts. *wince* I knew I shouldn't have eaten all that squeezy cheese yesterday.

I need to sell back my books.

I am thinking about dyeing my hair. Red hair is ugly. >=P Hmm.... FOO.

And maybe I should spend all my money on a full body tattoo! Yes! That sounds useful. Or I could shave my head. Oh, the possibilities. I do have a shaving kit. Why, I could do it right now! ALL SHALL LOVE ME AND DESPAIR. Hair is for the superficial! FUCK YOU ALL. DESPAIR. Mmm goat.

Chu have taken the last of my sanity wif chu. All I haf ish my hair. And I don't want it anymore. *bzzz* HA. I fooled you.

*thwarts the world with a giant poptart*

currently:

*listening to The Lord of the Rings: Two Towers soundtrack*

This movie is going to kick my ass and leave me begging for more. x_X

Aside from that, I am off work and in a somewhat pleasant mood. Well, better than I have been lately. Nevermind finals are next week and I'm not even sure when. Heh.

I have to get away from this feeling of being used by people. I don't like being a victim. Who the fuck does, right? Shutup, you masochists. Murr. I dunno. It's as if people take advantage of me because I am nice. I can't help that. Ya have to be a straight up fucktard to get me angry. And once I'm angry, it isn't pretty. I carry grudges. >_<

Well, I'm off to do dorky things a dork would do.

*listening to Audioslave*

Which member of Malice Mizer are you?
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It is Friday the 13th. Do you know where your Jesus is?

Probably Mormania.

I did go to see Star Trek Nemesis with my dad. And though I had trouble getting beyond thinking about the bad guy putting his pinky to his mouth and doing a Dr. Evil impression, it wasn't half-bad. I will write no more on that.

All is gloomy. And it is snowing again. Not very uplifting. Not that anything could uplift me now. I guess I'm just lost for a little while.

I've had two mentions of Julie in the last week. Both uninvited. A few days ago at work, an old classmate (whom Wolfy and Kuroiko might remember... we tore up the bible she gave Wolfy and used it for target practice) looked at my name tag. She then went through the obligatory "how are you? what are you doing?" and then told me she had seen Julie while campaigning. I quickly told her it was nice to see her and darted away. Today, my mother came over to tell me all the mundane things she's done the passed few days. As she was picking up some medicine or some such, she'd seen Julie there.

It's been a couple years, but it still hurts when I think about her. I wish it didn't. I wish I could magically get some closure, but it'll never come.

And I'm beginning to see that my romantic endeavors have all been a waste. Or perhaps unreturned. Either way, I don't care anymore. I don't have the strength to. I'm ready to be alone forever now. Which is as it was always meant to be. It's what I spent 20 years preparing for, and it is what I know. This is not sad; this is fact. Well, maybe a sad fact. *smile*

I am on land, but I am drowning.

currently:

*listening to the radio*

bleh. I crawled out of bed a little while ago. I haven't been much for doing anything with my free time. Mostly, I sleep. I might go see the new Star Trek movie with my dad. Hey, it looks cool.

I should do some gift shopping.

This freaking dog has been barking since early this morning. It kept waking me up. -_- *grumble*

Rask wasn't on last night. Ah, well. Such is life.

If anyone needs me, I'll be curled up on my floor beside the space heater.

What Office Space character are you?
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This is me. Indeed.

. You're a hardworking individual enshrouded by an overwhelming sense of mystery, beauty, and intrigue. Though always on the go, you keep focused, helping - often rapturing - those you meet. Take the What Pulp Fiction Character Are You? quiz.

Curdled is a damn good movie.

*listening to Duran Duran, "Come Undone"*

Isn't it strange that in one moment, I can feel as though I am a part of the world and not some sepatate entity... and in another, I feel so isolated that I am unaware of anything but being disconnected? There is no precise reasoning for it. I'm sure I could take a stab at it. And a stab and a stab and a stab. Until it bleeds to death. But then I'd get my hands dirty.

Dirty.

There's a stigma attached to being dirty. A stigma in itself is dirty. A mark. OUT DAMN SPOT!

That's a little Lady Macbeth for you.

I do not feel particularly articulate today. And if I'm being esoteric, damn the mind that's left alone too long. Alone.

everything I ever touched
everything I ever had
has died

Our lives are less than a blink of a star's eye. Still, we place importance on them and greedily control whatever can be controlled. Ourselves, others, the very sky. But we cannot control all things. And we get pissed off with those wild things. How dare that tornado sweep through a trailer park. How dare that puma eat the dog. How dare it rain on the vacation in Florida.

I am tired. And I have to go to class in a few minutes. Rapture.

What is love, anyway?

currently: Searching for that heart of gold

*listening to Tori Amos, Scarlet's Walk

Nothing's real. Nothing seems real. Nothing has any substance that is of any importance.

Nothing belongs to me alone. And I grow greedier each passing day.

I've said before that time means nothing. One year or fifteen years... it makes no difference.

And should I journey out into the woods and become the transparent eyeball that Emerson writes of in Nature? I don't have to go anywhere to do that. I'm already transparent. And I see everything.

pick out your cloud

Where you end, I begin.

My eyes are watering for no particular reason. Why, look, you can't see a single star for the rain clouds in the sky. And neither is more beautiful than the other. I should just stop. I've experienced enough of the rain. I've had enough of starlight. And the icy wind... well, it goes right through me.

Energy never dies. I'll never die.

...part and particle of God

We always want what we cannot have.

Why am I up at this ungodly hour? Because I am ungodly, of course.

I am glad to see things are turning around for Kitty... or so it seems in his journal. This is good. There's nothing worse than a mopey kitty.

In other news, my sister turned 28 yesterday. I didn't even phone her. I'm such a bitch. ^_^ And I still haven't gotten my niece's gift to her. -_- murr

X-mas creeps ever-closer, and I have yet to buy anything. Hmm. Not that it's important. La.

I finally watched all the bonus stuff with LOTR FOTR. Then I played PSO. And now my eyes are worn out. They may fall from their sockets any moment now.

Rask has Thursday night off. Joy. Maybe I will get to see him online.

Just random thoughts popping out before I slink off to bed; don't mind me.

*stretches, yawns, falls out of chair* ow.

I need to clean again. Feh. I'm always messy... and sometimes I get these spontaneous urges to clean, but I haven't had one in quite some time. Bad.

So much to do as the semester ends. And some planning for the next few months must be initiated. Yet in this lazy state I'm in, it's difficult to even think about that.

Now, Fyx departs and buries herself under a heap of pillows and blankets.

The rain never stops.

currently: meep

*listening to Poe, Haunted*

I have been very lazy lately. It is glorious, and I do not feel the least guilty about it.

I'll always want you. I'll always need you. I'll always love you. And I will always miss you.

It doesn't matter how many times I listen to this CD; it keeps getting better and better. And singing along is cathartic.

hmm. I don't know. I'm in sappy mode. *raspberry*

And look, I'm already distracted.... I think I'll go draw or something.

mewl

I have to work in... hmmm... less than four hours. This is not really a problem, considering I slept in until 3pm Sunday. If I am lucky, I will be able to take a short nap soon. I'm not counting on it, though. I only work until 11:45, also. And I leave for class at 3. Okay, so I'm rambling.

I'm feeling rather sentimental now that I've realized what time it is. I've shuffled through my paper diaries, and I'm sure I'll go looking back in this one when I'm done writing.

I cannot believe another year has passed. This one faster than the last. As I was lying in bed just moments ago trying to sleep, these thoughts came pouring into my head... The thoughts of where I will be in a few months, what I will be doing, and with whom I'll be. And I thought about money and what I should do with it. And what school will I go to, if I can suffer myself that once more. So, of course, I could not sleep.

Perhaps I should explore more of the world while I am young.

I read a bit of Emerson earlier tonight. I piece called "Nature" that was really quite lovely and inspiring. It did not help this transcendental phase I've been going through. Nothing helps, really. Romanticism is lost on so many these days.

even when my heart is cold, you assure me it's worthwhile

It's all worthwhile. Now, if I could just pull my head out of my ass and pick a path to tread... All would be right with the world. Or left. Or inbetween. Somewhere in there.

I feel like I'm having some bizarre acid flashback and that nothing is real. I think I'll take a shower.

I had an absolutely stupid dream earlier today. It's so stupid, in fact, that I feel it is necessary to share it with you.

Apparently, I was pregnant. A good portion of the dream involved me being totally unaware that I was pregnant until I was starting to show. This was followed by wondering how the hell I'd gotten pregnant. Since it was a dream, I chalked it up to immaculate conception. Whatever.
The dream jumped around a lot, or I only remember fragments of it... Anyway, next thing I know, the baby is a cat. oO Strangely, it does sort of resemble me. It's white with orange spots. Uh.... *shakes head* So, I'm full of breast milk, but there's not a chance in hell that I'm breast-feeding a kitten. Instead, I use a breast-pump or some such and bottle feed it.

What the flying fuck?

...Labotomy? I'll take two, please.

currently: behold, I am dead.

What swear word are you?
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*smiles*

Well, after a nerve-racking day at work, I'm here relaxing with my friends nicotine and broadband. They don't talk back. Usually.

One of my coworkers quit today. He'd worked there longer than I had, and I have hung out with him once in a while. I found it rather amusing, since he came in looked at his schedule then pulled his shirt off and said, "fuck it." Ah, well. I envy him, in a way. He graduated college last spring but is following up with some fancier degree. He teaches now, too. But not much. I really wonder what he'll do for a living. Scratch that. I don't have to wonder, for I'm sure I'll never see him again.

I'm playing PSO again, as you may have suspected. I'm just letting my mags go hungry as my tp restores. I'm alone, but online is where the experience is.

*mewl*

Thank the stars I'm off tomorrow. Sleep!

currently: la la la

Yes, I really need to do something else with this layout... hrmmm...

More PSO babble

Well, I'm using Resta 18 now. I did Caves through Mines with 3 other people. Gained four levels in that time. 84 now. Mwhahaha. *psychotic grin here* I also found a couple higher techs I should be able to use in a few more levels. And I found a Grants lv 20 for Alielle.

Ultimate mode is scary. I have to rely mostly on techs just to hit everything in the rooms and get exp. O_O shifta/deband and jellen/zalure are my best friends... without those techs, I would have died about every five steps. WAH.

I don't know where the Children's museum is. This would be where my niece's party is. Um... shite. Perhaps I'll just deliver a present when I get off work. I'm not much for screaming four year olds, anyway. Feh... feh feh, I say.

And I still haven't finished Kindom Hearts. I haven't played it in weeks. o.O

Okay, I'll shutup and go to bed now. MURR.

I may alter this a little later... when I have the time. meh.

I'm thinking up a new layout. Murr. Might put it up tonight, if I come up with anything.

Mmmm. I am in a pleasant mood. I do have to get up early for a niece's birthday party... and buy a gift before hand. And I work 12-6 or something like that. Bleh.

only heaven's silence for an answer

Hurf.

Mmm. Sometimes, the mumbles of other across a worn wire--in any form, be it text or vocal--are enough to make one stop and cringe. Or smile.

Fyxation
level 80
Tried out ultimate mode today. Found a few level 15 techs and Resta 16. Sweet! I didn't know I was going to be able to use higher techs. ^__^ Well, I guess that justifies not being able to use megid, grants, and reverser... a little. grr.

I lost Ushasu and all unequipped items and money to FSOD. NOOOO!!!! wahhhhhhh!!!! Verdammt es alle!

^___^
Fyxation
currently level 75
Bhirava has permanently been changed to Rati. Oops. Hehe.
I was just doing a run through VH Forest in the Heat Sword Quest and found: 2 Hildabear Heads (which I will go turn into Hildabear Canes, shortly, and give one to Alielle if she doesn't already have one. The other one will be for my FOmar), my 5th Photon Drop, and a Bravace (dropped by Al Rappy).

I still find it strange that most of my rares are found while questing in the forest. Every now and then, I'll find a rare elsewhere in a regular game. I found a Custom Ray ver00 last night. I have no use for guns with Fyx, so I'll transfer that and the Bravace to Murasaki. Happy Day.

My free HL is up. So, this new one lasts til Jan. 5th. Since I now have some people to play with, I may continue after that. We'll see. Time to go finish the quest and go offline to make Canes. Joy.

I still can't use my Bazooka yet. =( Need 14 more ata. Hell, I might transfer that to Murasaki, too. pbthhh