Merry Christmas, Good Yule, Happy Kwanza, and whatever other holiday I missed!

May your bellies and hearts be full.

What Do You Wear to Bed?

Brought to you by Faytrial

What kind of goth are you? Take it here!
"You're not really goth. Somedays you might look like it but for the most part fashion, body modification, music, subcultures, and everything else aren't that important to you. You're probably more interested in either school, your girlfriend/boyfriend, or your friends. That's a good thing. You can fit in with almost every label and be welcome. You probably have a lot of friends and are well liked by most people, because you don't claim to be anything. And honestly-- you're not. You don't try to be anything, but yourself. People respect you."

You say you want a diamond on a ring of gold
You say you want your story to remain untold
All the promises we made from the
Cradle to the grave
When all I want is you

You say you'll give me a highway with no one on it
Treasure just to look upon it
All the riches in the night
You say you'll give me eyes on a moon of blindness
A river in a time of dryness
A harbour in the tempest

All the promises we make
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you

You say you want your love to work out right
To last with me through the night
You say you want a diamond on a ring of gold
Your story to remain untold
You love not to grow cold

All the promises we break from the
Cradle to the grave
When all I want is you

All I want is you

All I Want Is You/U2

currently: I'm gonna kill every last one of you....

This Christmas bullshit is almost over. Just keep telling yourself that. Whatever joy was once associated with this holiday has been, as far as I can see, completely drained from it. Next time you see a Santa Clause, shove his fat ass back up the chimney.

Feh.

I hope everyone had a good Yule, though. My mom came by before I went to work and we exchanged gifts. I also filled out her forms (finally) for her disability application.

Then I went to work. That evil, horrendous nightmare that is retail. I couldn't even pretend to be nice today. It might have been partly due to PMS, but it was mainly due to this dreadful season and last minute shoppers. I went in at 3 and got off at 1. Ten hours of pure hell.

I also put money in a pool for the powerball. I was paying to wishfully think about quitting! Hurrah.

I can't feel my feet.

And I work from 11-7:30 tomorrow... which I'm sure will turn into 8 or later. Merry fucking Christmas to me.

It is snowing right now. Perhaps we'll have a White Christmas. But it's the wet, icky snow... so it probably won't accumulate. Wow, that big word hurt my head.

Something to make you smile: I saw a hand-written sign at work for the checkout line. It read something like, "The wait from this point is five minutes. Happy Holiday's!"
erm
This is a fine example of the level of intelligence in my work place. After seeing that sign, I didn't know whether I'd just been eye-raped or if I should laugh.

Now I'm going to go prop my feet up on a pillow, turn the space heater on, and sleep like a mudda fucka.

AGHHHHHHHHHHHH!

And I mean that.

But it's okay. I have vanilla incense. And though I work from 3 to 12 today, I will not murder anyone. Customers don't count. Neither do coworkers.

*turns on VNV Nation, Empires*

It's funny how I'm growing to just accept things as they are and hope for nothing more. I don't strive for anything nor hold anyone accountable for anything. It's actually a relief not to expect anything from anyone. But everyone has to have at least one person they can count on, right? In case, say one loses their mind and needs another to help them find it again. Well, I think my mind ran away screaming many days ago. If you see it, do not approach it... I think it's rabid.

*dances in her chair*

something I can hope for
something I can see
so nothing falls apart
so this does not end
I cannot return....

*continues dancing*

NO WORDS I CAN SAY
NO TRUTH LEFT THAT I CAN SEE

This is going to be a horrible horrible week. I think that when I am not working, I will sleep as much as I can. Sleep is glorious. MMMmmm. I slept a ton last night, too. In the last few days, I've slept so much that I could probably stay awake all week. Weeee. And there were a few points when I would wake up and be fully rested; I'd glance at the clock and roll over, hugging my pillow, and go back to sleep.

When I find something worth being awake for, I'll let you know.

Boom boom

I give you fi' dolla' if you clean my room!

This is the end, beautiful friends. The end.

Bleeeee...

I slept far far far too much. >_< Sleep has become my new escape, I suppose.

I really have nothing to write about, no stories to tell, nor wisdom (ha) to impart.

I may go see TTT today with some coworkers and my dad. I still need to finish shopping. >_< oh the horror.

I work so much this week... gah. I do not mind the hours, really, but I hate where I work. Countless times, I have thought about putting spray paint in a microwave and leaving. Countless.

It will feel strange to not have any stupid papers to write or classes to drag my butt out of bed for. Strange in a good way, though. I think I'll just focus on saving money so I can get the hell out of here. I haven't given where much thought, but I was contemplating either the west coast or the east coast. Some place near the ocean and not far from the woods. California is out of the question. It's too expensive... though watching the coast slip further and further into the Pacific might be interesting. I'd love to move to Alaska, but that's a bit far and probably not easy to get to. In any case, a moving trip like that would cost quite a handsome sum of money. So, I'd better start saving whatever I can now. I'm trying to be optimistic here.

I am considering a few things to do for fun and pleasure when the time presents itself. I've already mentioned the vacation my dad wants to take to some place like Myrtle Beach. Toni and her mother, Diane, want me to go to Florida with them this year. In conjuction with one of these trips, I should visit Puppy, seeing as he is living in Florida now. Should, but it really depends on if I drive or not. Which I will probably not being doing, in both cases. Wasteful, they might say. In fact, I know that I'll end up driving most of the way to Florida with Toni and Diane. Toni refuses to drive at all on long trips. Pussy. I love the highway, though.

Fyxation
level 99
I refuse to play as Fyxation until Candice and Lance can play! I want at least some of my friends there when she hits 100. >=|
And I badly need to transfer items to my baby characters. My FOmar is a weak lil thing!

Hurray for dorkdom.

Fyxation
Current level: 98
HP 680/TP 716

I'm still working on my baby mag. It's not a level 75 Bhirava. Foo.
I found two Kaladbolgs, another Final Impact, a Meteor Smash, and some other useless junk.

It appears I can't use anymore mind, pow, evade, or def mats... so, I've been storing them in the bank.

I tried to do the Nights quest alone on v hard (what was I thinking?) There's a fifteen minute time limit and I got to the final destination right as the timer hit 0... grrr. fuck. I might wait to do it with some people or do it on normal or something. I just wanted to see what it looked like when I entered it earlier. Ah, well....

Playing online is only good for experience these days. Hardly anyone I know is ever on. Why I continue... Ugh, boredom, I guess. >_<

currently: *froth*

*listening to U2, Joshua Tree*

I just woke up (went to bed at 10 omg hurf) and I recollect a few fragments of my dreams. The only one worth writing about was very disturbing to me.

Lately, I've seen a pattern in the dreams I remember. Most of them take place in my mother's house, the house I sort of grew up in. Anyway, I was lying in a bed that doesn't exist anymore, I'm fairly sure. I don't know why I was there. Someone was in the bed with me. From what I recall, he was trying to seduce me or something. As he was touching me, I was overwhelmed with a nauseous feeling and thinking, "I don't want this person touching me like this. I don't want anyone touching me like this or being this close to me except...." Fortunately, I don't remember what happened after that. All I know is that I felt icky when I woke up, like my mind had been tampered with. The person was someone made up by my brain and was so unremarkable that I don't even remember what he looked like. That's good, I suppose.... Though I'd rather have not had the dream at all.

*shiver*

The strange cyst/calcium deposit/funky thing on my left foot is giving off bad juju, and I should probably go to a doctor to have it looked at and possibly surgically removed. But I hate doctors >=( Gah.... I know I have to go eventually, but I keep putting it off because I don't have any health insurance nor any money for such things. And I guess if I have any phobia, it's the fear of doctors because they are all evil and should be destroyed! But the thing feels odd to me. Feh... my foot's probably going to rot off or something.

Murr.

Work fucking blows. My head hurts. But I am home now. I work every day next week except Wednesday. ;_;

there is no sun up in the sky
no sign of heaven anywhere in sight

I have no sympathy for anyone that goes shopping this close to Christmas and has the audacity to complain about 1) traffic, 2)the checkout lines, and/or 3)Products being sold out. Direct your whining elsewhere, for I refuse to listen and will most likely be equally rude to you if you are rude to me. This could result in me grabbing a random item off the nearest shelf and shoving it either down your throat or up your ass. ^_^

tra la la la la... la la la la

I'm gonna go stick my head in the freezer now.

Merry Material Happiness!

Wooha, ladies and gentleman, I have nothing to live for.

In other news, my dreams are decidedly wasted little thoughts which never should have entered my mind. Hmm.

My head hurts. Badly. It's a sinus headache. This weather is evil. I want to poke out my eyes. Maybe just one to relieve the pressure.

And you hope for nothing more. You don't want any more. I don't know what I want anymore. But I know that if anymore of my spirit is vampirized, you'll leave me an empty shell. I cannot assume the role of the willing victim, though I crave being drained into you.

I'm going to go take a shower now. Water is my only comfort.

currently: squee

I just bombed my Soc Final. But that's okay. Do you know why? Because I don't fucking care. WEeeeeEee.

I was so excited when I got out of the classroom that I was giggling to myself all the way to my car.
NO MORE OF THIS SHIT. Ahhh... Gods, that feels good.

*turns on Tori Amos, Scarlet's Walk*

I'm sick of this being miserable bullshit. I'm going to try my best to enjoy my time for the next few months and as long as possible. I know that if I don't, I'll lose my mind and drive off a cliff. And wouldn't that be a pity? One less nutcase.

Shutup, I've been up since 4am. o_O

Two Towers fucking rocked.

There were more changes to the story in this movie than in FOTR... but they can be forgiven, for a movie has so little time to progress such massive amounts of information to the viewer.

I was pleased with the movie as a whole. Very pleased. However, some of the story alterations completely fucked up the personalities of some characters. You'll see what I mean when you see it if you have read the books. That was the only thing that pissed me off. Otherwise, TT was excellent. I expect I will see it many times, as I did FOTR.

Fyxation
level 96
I'm working on another mag to hopefully turn into my section id/class mag.
I found another Agito last night (I traded the first one I found, if you don't recall). I'll look into making it a True Agito soon.
Haven't found any Ult rares yet. =/

touched
you say that I am too
so much of what you say is true
I'll never find someone
quite like you
again
I'll never find someone
quite like you like you
the razors and dying roses
plead I don't leave you alone
the demi-gods and
hungry ghosts
god, god knows I'm not at home
I'll never find someone
quite like you
again
I'll never find someone
quite like you
again
I, I looked into your eyes and
saw a world that does not exist
I looked into your eyes and
saw a world I wish I was in
I'll never find someone
quite as touched as you
I'll never love someone
quite the way
that I loved you

Touched/Vast

This is my great grandmother, Lucy:

Mother of Jack, Henry, Georgie, and Birdie

Yes, this is the woman I supposedly resemble. o.O whatever, dad.

woke up this morning, got out of bed. spilled a diet coke on my mother, said "hi." what i meant to say was, "why's your life a joke?"

Actually, I woke up this morning to the sound of a door slamming. I looked at the clock and said, "what the fuck." I'd planned to get up a little later, but this is fine. Anyway, I come down the hall and my dad shows me these two ancient photographs. They were reprints of ancient photographs, but you get the idea. He concludes that I look like my great great grandmother. To this, I shake my head and wander on down the hall.

So, I have a few hours to finish writing my American lit final. It is not nearly as fun as it sounds! And I work at 9:30. Of course, the paper is due by noon. So, I must finish this horrid piece of tripe and deliver it before I go to work. On the same joyous note, I have a final on Thurs at 1 and work from 6am to 1:30. Pin a rose on my fucking nose. I'll have to worm my way into taking off from work early. That final is 35% of my sociology grade. I will probably study for an hour or two between now and then, but I won't hold myself to that.

And now... to delve into Thoreau and Emerson for some quotes to anaylze. I am filled with loathing.

currently: bullshit

*listening to VNV Nation, Futureperfect*

LIES.

Well, let's see... I work in less than 4 hours. I am not tired. I am chatting with a friend of a friend. I am bored. I ate too much sugar. I need water. I just opened another pack of cigarettes.

no tears for me
no sympathy

It doesn't take much to make me happy, really. Good company and a little conversation can ease my mind for days. On the other hand, deception and vague words can haunt me for months.

So, I was going to try, you see? I was actually trying to have something stable in my life, something to grab ahold of when the world was spinning faster than I was. But to hell with it.

23 years on my way to hell.

I think after I get the brakes on my car fixed, I will ask for some time off from work and just drive. I have enough money for that, though I whine that I'm poor. I do no care anymore. I need to get away. Maybe I'll see how far I can go in the time I am given. I need to get away from the pixels, the customers, the lies, my own bed. Throw in the right amount of danger, and it might be an adventure.

*piano notes*

that together we would learn to be the best that we could be

I believe in no one.

they say that time will heal
the truth shall set us free
well that depends on what it is
that you choose to believe

I wanted to believe in you.

but I have no trust in anything

I haven't changed, have I? And I was the one being used. I was the puppy eager to please. I was the puppet, and you pulled my strings. And they all held me by the heart. But I've got a pretty pretty knife, now. And something will be cut.

can someone see our self-destruction?