can't sleep. clows will eat me.

You Are Bi Now Gay Later Ken!

You come complete with a cockring, shimmery silver shirt, and a photo of Barbie with short hair.

Cop uniform and San Francisco Tommy sold separately.

Not recommended for children under 6.

What Naughty Barbie Are *You*?
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and if that wasn't stupid enough:

You Have a Round Ass!

All the guys think that you're a cutie.
That's thanks to your ghetto booty.
You've got a ass that looks like it's black.
And color doesn't matter, because baby got back.

What Ass Do *You* Have??
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but wait, there's more!

Your Sex Position is Sex Swing

Fun. Frisky. With a touch of kink.
It's playtime for you and Mr. Thing -
So strap yourself into this swing!

What's Your Sex Position?
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What?

What's *Your* Sex Sign?
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Nope. Definitely not bisexual. Thank you for trying ;)

Although you only like to eat one kind of meat,
that doesn't mean you are any less of a sexual gourmand.
You just choose only the finest of dicks/breasts
(whichever strikes your particular gender's fancy)
and enjoy them with the style and panache that ideally suits you.

Are *You* Bisexual? Click Here to Find Out!
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But boobies are nice, dammit.

You Are a Goth!

You're so gothically outrageous, and you aren't afraid to flaunt it.
Whether you dress up like Robert Smith or a tragic Little Bo Peep,
chances are that you'll be parading around with the rest of the goths at Yoyogi Park on Sunday.
Don't forget your white makeup and blue lipstick! Who knows?
You may just get picked up by one of the seedy photographers.

What's *Your* Japanese Subculture?

wow, what an entry. I'll go masturbate to the tune of Ode to Joy now. Well, maybe Here Comes the Rain Again, instead.

currently:

*listening to random burn of ebm*

I finally got around to watching the last Rurouni Kenshin DVD. *sniff* I don't want it to be over! WAH!

My day off was pretty lame. I woke up at 5pm (go me!) and did laundry for a few hours (the joy never stops). This was followed by mucho moping and rumination.

come lie next to me

So, my heart's gone back into a shiny black box. I'll bury it when the ground is softer.

The silence chills me to the bone. I wonder sometimes if I'm a magnet for pain. Or if there's a curse on me. Eh, well... If I say things cannot get worse, I'm sure the sky will open up and an anvil will fall on my head. So, I won't say that.

My dad's decided on June for our vacation. He asked me where we should go; it was completely up to me. Anywhere. I said North Carolina. I don't know why. I haven't been to Myrtle Beach since I was 4 or 5, so I don't remember much about it. It's been twenty years, so cut me some slack.

I have to work tomorrow. Small shift but plenty early. Grand.

I need something to read. I guess I could pick up Blood and Gold. I bought it a loooong time ago. -_-. I don't know.

I'm not in the mood for anything. I can't bring myself to care. Dangerously on the edge of apathy. Cut my nails off again.

I have a three day weekend. I think I'll stay indoors, or more specifically, in my hole. I don't want to be out there right now. I don't want to be among people. I'm afraid that if I am drug out of my hole, I'll start raving like Gollum. Nasty little humans! Deceitful! Tricksy! False! Aahhh it burns! Or some such nonsense.

falling from the sky
falling from the sky
your love is a lie
falling from the sky

O_O oh god... my ear is having an orgasm (eargasm?)::: Apop's "Kathy's Song" mixed by VNV Nation. *turns into goo*

Shite. 3 hours 'til work. FUCK FUCK FUCK. and fuck.

I get what I deserve. *looks up for an anvil*

currently: I wait

*listening to David Bowie, "Changes"*

turn and face the strange changes

I have no cigarettes. *gasp* DAMN this oxygen! Dammit all!

Shoot, I had some deep and meaningful shit I was going to write. I'm also really friggin' tired, which would explain why all that stuff I was going to write has evaporated from my brain. glarguhhhhfffffoooo.

Ziggy played guitar

Okay, so I'm off to a shitty start at money saving. I bought a Vash the Stampede doll today. The box in which he was packaged is covered with some amusing Engrish. =P

I'm having a hard time dealing with certain things right now. This is usually met with me staring off into nothing until my eyes glaze over and my heart forgets to beat. But that's okay. I mean, who needs a pulse, anyway?

I just watched Lord of Illusions. Not because it's good or had nothing else to watch. I just love Butterfield.

I should sleep soon, before little demons begin shitting on my eyelids. ack.

season of the bitch

Xenosaga comes out the day before my birthday. W00T.

Um... I haven't been to the gym in months. -_- ah, fuck it. I dun care! weeee! Doesn't matter, anyway. I can still kick your ass.

*purr* David Bowie *howl* Diamond Dogs.

Vash came with a lil Kuroneko. The beady eyes are staring at me. o_o

So, this is all I've got. It ain't much. Your pockets probably have more lint than I've got wisdom. So, make me feel better and turn them inside out. Now, dance around like you're on hot coals. Faster! AGHHH! You like it!

You pervert.

Great, now I'm slappy. STILL NO CIGARETTES. *shakes fists at the heavens* I will smite you one day with my squigeeeeeee.

*throws on some pants and drives away to get cigarettes. Yes, my pants have wheels*

12:56
I have returned! And I bring with me extra long coffin nails! Because if you're going to nail yourself in a coffin, ya gotta do it the right way. Ya know, the kind of cigarette you can't smoke entirely on your break. The kind that damn-near needs it's own zip code. The kind that... porn stars the world over eye with envy. And so on and so forth.

Now, I'm not sleepy.

just in case of depression

My phone only takes calls from telemarketers and my mother now. I'm thinking about tossing it in the toilet. Which reminds me, I watched The Shipping News the other day. It was good. I was impressed. Though, I kept seeing Kevin Spacey either covered in blood or wearing sunglasses or both. Anyway, the movie's based on a book by Annie Proulx. I had to read Heart Songs for my creative writing course a few semesters ago. I didn't like it. Much. But my tastes change like milk left out too long, so I might read it again. Short stories. Perfect for my attention span.

As for attention spans, I am so fucking sick of people claiming to be ADD and whining about their short attention spans. Most of us have short attention spans because we're spoiled and easily bored. Next time someone bitches to me about having ADD, I'm going to sit them down with my little brother. And if he sits still long enough without breaking something or trying to stab them in the forehead, then they'll know what ADD is. That is, if the little fuck ever gets out of the hospital.

golden years

*clap clap*

Hey, in other great and interesting news, my knee still hates me. But it's a little better. It's still making wet crunchy noises and aching, but BETTER than it was.

Hmm. And I was going to try to straighten out my sleeping hours tonight, seeing as I have no reason to stay up this late anymore. Oh, well.

like dolphins can swim

I think I'll stop now.

currently: without the strength to carry on

*listening to VNV Nation, Empires*

Saturday morning, a beer-induced hangover made me want to bury my head under the shower faucet until all the hot water was gone... twice. I was supposed to hang out with Lonelyfox again that night, but I got off work around 11 and was too tired to crawl out of my hole. So, I killed the night. Hurrah.

I have to work in less than six hours. I slept atrociously late, but I'm sure I'll manage to sleep some more in a bit. Angst makes me sleepy.

Feh.

the anger and the pain of knowing where I am
I have come so far that I cannot return

I've lost my place.

Over the years, I was almost healing. The scar behind my eyes that passed all the way into my chest was beginning to weave itself away. But it's been split open again. And my claws are digging in and ripping it wider and wider apart. Constantly, my soul is bleeding out of me. I leave a trail of decay wherever I go. And I always will have part of you here....

Babble babble babble.

Where are you?

Everything I ever touched
Every thing I ever had
has died

And now that we've established once again that I have nothing to live for, I could easily tell the world to piss off. But I'm not that bitter. Heh. All I'd like is closure before I go. I suspect I'll even be denied that when I'm lying on my deathbed and the flies are beginning to circle. The flies... my only company. And I suppose I won't be found for days, and the flies and I will have an intimate relationship.

You may dance now.

Which Ringwraith are You?
By Lisa

I drew a naughty picture of Fyx and Alielle here. Hurray for my perverted mind. =P

I updated the PSO screenshots yesterday.

I still can't believe I'm blowing a hundred bucks on a keyboard >_<

I'm supposed to go hang out with Lonelyfox tonight around 9. Joy abounds. Friday night at a bar. What could be better than dozens of people getting slobbering drunk and stumbling around each other in a smokey, loud atmosphere? Um...

My knee is still aching. It keeps cracking and popping and making wet crunchy noises. That can't be good, right? I've been gritting my teeth all day and trying to walk normally. If I had anything to wrap it with, such as an ace bandage, I might... but I'll just limp and deal with it.

somehow I always end up falling over me

Nothing means anything to me right now. I've gotta find a way out of this.

currently: about to go to bed.

*listening to Rob Zombie, Hellbilly Deluxe*

Life has been entirely uneventful the last couple weeks. Yesterday was my mom's birthday. She's out of town. My holiday working hours are almost finished. *sigh of relief* I'll give myself a few weeks before looking into some meager side job.

I never make new years resolutions, but I think I will try to hold myself to saving money. I'm already off to a poor start, as I ordered a Gamecube keyboard from Japan today. >_< And I'll be paying my dad a little extra money each month since I've been nigh-freeloading. No big deal.

I work from 8 something to 5 something. Poo. I work Saturday, as well, but I failed to write down when. Feh.

I haven't heard a word from Rask in a while. >_<;; men.... I will kill them all.

My knee went out at work yesterday. That was delightful. I was hobbling around for about ten minutes 'til it popped back into place. Now it's sore like a bitch. *growl* I am such a fucking gimp.

I took a nap, so now I'm not really tired. I guess I'll go take a shower, read a book, and stare at the ceiling for a few hours.

Take the What Should Your New Year's Resolution Be? Quiz

Last year, I think it was to seduce as many people as possible.

I have nothing else to report at this time.

You are Anita Blake: necromancer, Nim-ra, Lupa, and vampire executioner extrordinaire. Poor girl ... you try to stay out of trouble, but it seems to follow you around. Mostly because of your smart mouth, but you always find a way to pull out of it. You are loyal to your friends, and make your enemies wish they were never born. Which Anita Blake Character Are You?

Well, happy New Year. I am off tomorrow, so I expect I will sleep all day. I may have to get up to put a turkey in the oven. I'll go back to sleep, then. With any luck, the house will burn down. Saa...

I did not end up staying in and drinking alone. I went to see TTT for my third time with her. Hurrah. Elves.... *drool*

There is still time to enjoy a drink. Relax. Unwind. Slay a demon or two. But the year is over. The past. And all that.

I have been excessively morbid lately. I could spill a number of the obscene thoughts here, but I'll spare you.... lest you get any ideas. Such as calling the men in the white coats to come take me away.

Away now.

on my way up north
up on the Ventura
I pulled back the hood
and I was talking to you
and I knew then it would be a life long thing
but I didn't know that we
we could break a silver lining

And I'm so sad
like a good book
I can't put this day back
a sorta fairytale with you
a sorta fairytale with you

things you said that day up on the 101
the girl had come undone
I tried to downplay it
with a bet about us
you said that--you'd take it as long as I could
I could not erase it

and I'm so sad
like a good book
I can't put this day back
a sorta fairytale with you
a sorta fairytale with you

and I ride along side
and I rode along side you then
and I rode along side till you lost me
there in the open road
and I rode along side
till honey spread itself so thin for me
to break your bread
for me to take your word
I had to steal it

And I'm so sad
like a good book...

I could pick back up whenever I feel
down New Mexico way
something about the open road
I knew that he was looking for some Indian blood
and find a little in you
find a little in me
we may be on this road
but we're just imposters in this country you know
so we go along and we said we'd fake it
feel better with Oliver Stone
till I almost smacked him
seemed right that night
and I don't know what takes hold
out there in the desert cold
these guys think they must
try and just get over on us

And I'm so sad
like a good book
I can't put this day back
a sorta fairytale with you
a sorta fairytale with you

and I was ridin' by
ridin' along side for a while
till you lost me
and I was ridin' by
ridin' along side
till you lost me
till you lost me in the rear view
you lost me I said
way up north I took my day
all in all was a pretty nice day
and I put the hood right back where
you could taste heaven perfectly
feel out the summer breeze
didn't know when we'd be back
and I--I don't--didn't think we'd end up like
like this

A Sorta Fairytale/Tori Amos

I am Industrial Symphony No. 1: The Dream of the Broken Hearted
Which David Lynch movie are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

currently: blurf
*listening to TTT soundtrack*

I saw the movie again earlier tonight with Toni.

I don't know what to write anymore. Everything has become as dull as a butter knife.

I trudge through work mindlessly, embracing the numbness of routine.

I want to break something. I want to lash out and yell at someone just to see them wince. I feel like lying on some forest floor and letting insects crawl through my hair. Gripping handfuls of moss and dirt and letting it slip between my fingers. Staring at the sky through holes in the canopy of tree branches. Just a little peace. A little release.

Once upon a time....

I could rest and be content with just lying. But now, only emptiness do I feel. Soon, I'll forget how to smile.

I am a Pouilly Slime to know what you are take the quiz here.

currently: grph

*listening to VNV Nation*

I'm too lazy to change the disks in my cd player and too lazy to play mp3s. Suck me, beautiful.

I got plenty of sleep, but I feel like shit. Feh. No words can express it really... other than shit.

I think I have rather successfully distracted my self from thinking too much. Work and filling the little free time I have with drawing seems to be detaching me just enough from everything I do not want to think about. Still, my dreams are haunted.

who will carry me?

I went to work yesterday on muscle relaxers. I was having this small spasm that was bordering on stiff neck and giving me a migraine. By 3, I took a pain pill I'd brought with me. I was mentally numb the rest of the evening.

I want to get away from all this. But I have affairs to get in order, first.

>_<

I feel unimportant. I would walk around with a paper bag on my head, but that would probably make people notice me. And I'm sick of people.

I see my arms before me. The pale pink and shiny white scars randomly kissing my flesh here and there. I close my eyes and shake my head. No one's looking, anyway, I think. No one would see one more.

I'll never get past that.

Someone wants me to be angry, but I'm not. I have new-found levels of self-loathing, but I'm not angry. I think I'll have another cigarette. I've lost something, and I think it was all my hope. Whatever ray of optimism was left in me.... smoke swirls there now. I do not care about tomorrow. I do no care about today. I do not care about yesterday.

I have new years off. I think I'll get drunk alone, though a few people have invited me out. I haven't been allowing myself a moment of self-pity... so, I think that will be the night. I'll just lock myself up in my room and drink 'til it spins. Maybe I'll treat myself to something else, as well.

I'm bleeding. Ugh... 30 more years 'til menopause. Damn the world.