::Otaku mode-on::
::Display play list....

Fruits Basket Vol 2
Hellsing Vol 3
Hellsing Vol 4

end prompt::

K A W A I I overload. Also: blood. Blood is good. And I held back from buying the latest GTO. I'll get that next week. XD

currently: UN

ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow.

What the fuck?

That is all I can say. Generally, when it comes to pain, I keep my big mouth shut and grimace like there's a scorpion crawling up my jammies. I've written about pain before, about my shoulder dislocating, and about a muscle spasm that made me feel as though my arm was trying to detach itself. But really, aside from these minor things, I think myself pretty lucky. Never broken a bone. Never had stitches... well, except for when I was a baby and a busted my head open on the sink (daddy dropped me--yes, that explains a lot). I have had a few nice gashes in my left shin that required stitches... but that would have meant going to a doctor, and we all know that doctors are the source of all evil and must be destroyed.

I'm also prone to having migraines. You know, the kind which make your head feel like your brain is waiting to explode and dribble out your ears. Light is like a bullet drilling into your skull, and sound is like a wave of bricks crashing into your face. But I have these less frequently than when I was a teenager.

Pain is annoying. Oh so very annoying.

But honestly, you know it's got to be bad if I am complaining. Sure, I can sit through having a needle poke me in the leg a few million times without so much as flinching, but if my knee goes out WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! ;_;

My dad said he had to wear a knee brace for 6 months when he was younger. Ugh. This sux. Stupid weather is making it worse. I have naproxen, though. HOORAY.

ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow.

currently: EEyaa

According to this site, my Elven name is Merenwen Arnatuil�. Interestingly enough, my last name is derived from the gaelic word tuile, which means flood.

I broke down and bought a knee brace today. I feel like such a gimp. ;_; Oh the things you have to do when you're uninsured. This is the longest my knee's ever been fucked up, so I must have strained something when it dislocated and went back into place. I'm still hobbling around work, trying to appear as though I don't want to lie down on the floor and clench my knee... but as I was doing some pretty heavy lifting in the warehouse--lifting which I could normally do with ease--the pressure was taking it's toll on my knee, and I had to stop. I had to stop? ;_; I really am getting old. I felt like a weak little thing, but I had enough sense to stop what I was doing and do something else.

I watched the first Fruits Basket DVD yesterday. I knew very little about the series beforehand other than what I had read on the cover, and I was pleasantly surprised by how good it is. Despite the recent trend in fluffiness in anime (which, I assure you, there was lots of in this show), I really like the story and the characters. And the editing was very well done.

Gods, I love having a DVD player to play DVD's instead of the PS2.

I just spent two hours waiting for an oil change on my car, so I'm going to go relax a bit.

*puts on Boa, Twilight*

Eh, something was bothering me, so I thought I'd write a little bit about it and try to reason out some of the logic of others.

I do not support animal cruelty. I don't think squirting hairspray into a rabbit's eye is going to improve the world. However there's a very fine line in science that separates progress and cruelty. It's one of those sensitive subjects that everyone has an opinion about. So, without getting all preachy, I'll just "progress good, man bad."

And now for that holier-than-thou-vegetarian-I'm-superior-and-don't-hurt-the-little-animals bullshit.

A vast majority of the vegetarians in the United States have this warped concept that eating animals is bad because it's cruel or makes the animals suffer. Fine. I agree that slaughter houses are quite disgusting and promote needless suffering upon animals. I also agree that humanity has taken some bizarre path that nature never intended, but who am I to care about such things?

Anyway, most of these vegetarians don't seem to care about the welfare of insects. I forget the statistic, but I think something like an average 1 pound of bugs are eaten by each human on the earth every year whether they want to eat them or not. What I'm getting at is that the growth fruits and vegetables involves the death of insects by the billions. But this doesn't seem to bother them. Or if it does, they simply spout off that either insects don't suffer and there are billions more of them or because they choose to save cows, they're choice makes a difference in the whole.

Even vegans can polish up some glamorous excuse for eating fruits from trees that grow in soil that has been fertilized by the manure from a cow that's probably on someone's dinner plate as I write. Run on sentence. Just think of those poor defenseless worms being grinded into mush when that soil is tilled. Oh, the horror!

There really is a circle of life and a food chain, I'm afraid. Despite our large masses of gray matter, we do still have sharp teeth for ripping meat from the bone. We do still have intestines designed for digesting meat.

And what about the plants? Because they don't scream, it must be okay to eat them. Sure, they're alive, but they don't bleed... not really.

I hate people.

If you're a vegetarian, grand. Good for you. But unless you eat only organic food grown in your garden where you meticulously rescue each and every insect on ever leaf or in the soil, I don't want to hear your opinion about anything involving animals or cruelty or food. No one's clean from causing animals harm. And just making a choice to eat a grapefruit instead of a chicken leg, does not make anyone better than anyone else.

In the end, we're all gonna look stupid for being so neurotic, anyway.

I've stayed at a farm where I saw chickens and cows being raised. And I saw a deer hanging upside down in the barn so that all its blood might run out from it. And you better believe every part of that deer was either eaten or used for something later.

I had a pretty dull childhood.

Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
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What Eyes Do You Have?
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and now for more stupid survey shit....

• What color pants are you wearing right now? pants?
• What song are you listening to right now? A bad remix of "I wear my sunglasses at night" by Micky Hart.
• What are the last four digits of your phone number? F-U-C-K
• What was the last thing you ate? Chicken Teriyaki
• Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend? No, I hate everyone. ^_^
• If you were a crayon, what color would you want to be? Sea Green, of course
• Where would you like to go on your honeymoon? honeymoon? me? HAHAHAHA good one.
• Do you like snow, sun or rain? Yes.
• How is the weather right now? Cold and there are flurries off an on.
• Who was the last person you talked on the phone with?Uh... a telemarketer?
• What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? That they're the opposite sex.
• Do you like the person that sent you this? I jacked it from her diary. Yes, I like her.
• How are you today? I feel like shit, per usual.
• Your favorite drink? Tea.
• Alcohol? =/ yuck. Rum and coke seems to be my thing.
• How do you eat an oreo? Twist it apart and nibble the cream from the cookie, then dip the cookie in milk.
• Favorite sport or sports? soccer's okay, I guess.
• What makes you happy?I really don't know anymore. Comic books? Anything that distracts me.
• What's the next CD you're going to get? I was considering a System of a Down one.
• Date? Kill slowly and painfully?
• Hair color? Red. Ugly.
• Eye color? Blue-gray with dark blue rings around the irises.
• Height? 5'6" or 5'7".
• Do you wear contacts? Nope.
• Siblings and their ages: sister, 28; brother, 11
• What school do you attend? None at the moment.
• What religion are you? Most people, aside from maybe Buddha, aren't a religion. I practice Fyxism.
• What do you like to do? Laugh at idiots
• What's the best advice given to you? To strive for happiness and nothing else.
• Have you ever won any special awards? No, I suck. There should be an award for that.
• What are your future goals? I don't have any. Getting away from here would be nice.
• Favorite music? Anything but country
• Favorite month? May. It's warm but not smotheringly so.
• Are you shy to ask someone out? I have no desire to ask anyone out.
• What's the stupidest thing you have ever done? Fallen in love.
• Do you like scary or happy movies better? Better than what? Considering there are very few movies that scare me, I prefer them over happy movies. They're a rare treat.
• On the phone or in person? I don't care.
• Summer or winter? Blah.
• Hugs or kisses? Yes. But if you touch me, chances are I will bite you.
• Do you want every one to write back?I couldn't care less.
• Who is least likely to respond? Your belly-button lint?
• Who is most likely to respond?Your eyes... as they cry in boredom.

I went to bed last night around 6pm and got up this morning around 4. I had to work at 5. -_-

I had a half-waking dream that I was dying. Wouldn't it be interesting if I were?

Now to change out of this horrid uniform and eat some leftovers from the dinner I skipped for sleep.

Murrrr.

I need to get my affairs in order. Whatever that means. Sounds like something a dying person would say. >=P

So, the news has been threatening us with snow since yesterday, and it finally just started about 20 minutes ago. o.O And it's 25 degrees out... so this snow will surely be here for a while.

Anyway, I haven't done a survey for a while, so here:

1 Spell your first name backwards - ahtnamas
2 The story behind your screen name - several years ago, I came up with fyx as I joined a chat room for the first time. I was listening to "Broken" at the time.
3 Are you a lesbian - nah, but maybe one day I'll be a last resort lesbian. You know what I'm talking about.
4 Where do you live - Just south of Hell 5 Four words that sum you up - romantic, cynical, gloomy, hurt
DESCRIBE YOUR
Wallet - Black nylon with a kitty on it.
Hairbrush - white/green
Toothbrush - clear blue
Stuff worn daily - lotion?
Pillow cover - Spiderman
Blanket - also Spiderman
Coffee cup - campbell's soup cups
Sunglasses - I broke them. =/
Underwear - cotton or nylon
Shoes - all black
Bag - a black backpack with patches
Favorite top - don't have one
Cologne/Perfume - roses or vanilla. I'm so feminine. blah
CD in stereo right now - Apoptygma Berzerk, Harmonizer
Tattoos - the kanji for mysterious death on my right calf and a crop circle on my inner left calf
Piercings -3 in one ear, two in the other
What you are wearing now - my superfreak t-shirt and black cords
Hair - longish red
Makeup - just eyeshadow if I have the time for it
WHO or WHAT (was/is/are)
In my mouth - teeth
In my head - worries
Wishing - someone would answer me
After this - PSO
Talking to - a moron and a friend(not the same person)
Eating - Well, I have some milk here
Fetishes - necks
If you could get away with it and murder anyone, who and for what reason - That would take all day to answer
Person you wish you could see right now - ...

Is next to you - air
Some of your favorite movies - nightmare before christmas, bram stoker's dracula, and LOTR
Something you're looking forward to in the upcoming month - hopefully more money
The last thing you ate - a tv dinner =/
Something that you are deathly afraid of - tomorrow
Do you like candles -yes Do you like hot wax - no
Do you like incense - yes
Do you like the taste of blood - whose?
Do you believe in love - ...
Do you believe in soul mates - yes, but they aren't always lovers.
Do you believe in love at first sight -no
Do you believe in Heaven - no
Do you believe in forgiveness - yes
Do you believe in God - no
What do you want done with your body when you die - cremation. I'd like to be scattered over some body of water, preferably the ocean.
Who is your worst enemy - I don't have any
If you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be - a tiger
What is the latest you've ever stayed up - 3 or 4 days
Ever been to Belgium - no
Can you eat with chopsticks - not really
What's your favorite coin - a pound
What are 5 cities you wouldn't mind relocating to - Edinburgh, Kilarney, Stratford, anywhere in Alaska, Dublin
What are some of your favorite pig out foods - Cheetos
What's something that you wish people would understand - self-reliance
What's something you wish you could understand better - math
Anyone you miss that you haven't seen in a long time - ...
What's one thing you want to make happen for tomorrow - designated nap times for everyone

Without a doubt, I think my brain has permanently taken up residence in HURF Land. What that means, I'm not exactly sure.

I just finished watching Martian Successor Nadesico. Naturally, the main characters end up together, and I was on the verge of driving my DVD remote through my brain as "I love yous" were said in last episode.

Pah. Screw love. Love's done nothing but hurt me. That bitch.

So, I woke up this morning around 9, which is just damn amazing on my day off. It could have something to do with napping yesterday and then napping again at 4am. Nahhh.

On a happier if somewhat fucked up note, both my supervisor and manager at work quit. The manager leaving is something to celebrate; however, the supervisor left because his job was stressing him out. A big part of that was the manager crawling up his butt. So, now the only leadership in my area at work is the newly promoted assistant to the supe. The poor girl has virtually no training whatsoever. The former assistants have both stepped down.

Goddamn telemarketers.

Where was I? Ah, so the head manager is trying to get the supe of my department to come back. Whether he will be the supe again is unclear. In any case, his lack of appearance at work this week has dumped work on everyone else and left us rather... shall we say, bitter. He was a great guy, and all, but leaving and perhaps coming back is just shitty.

In other news, my GC keyboard should arrive today (knowing my luck, I'm not counting on it).

Fyxation
HP 766 TP 796
current level: 110
Mags: Rati 200 and Bhirava 150
Interesting new items: Guilty Light (ranger weapon--damn it all) and CD Vol 1.
current weapons of choice: Yamato and Delsabre's Buster equipped with Delsabre shield.

Mewph. Playing this game reminds me so much of better times... and I miss some of those days. =/ Too bad you're not here to play it with me. You fool.

What They Don't Want You to Know

In order to understand self-mutilation you need to realize that everything is controlled by a NRA made up of Gypsies with help from Mothers Against Drunk Driving.

The conspiracy first started during the Roswell Incident in Tacoma, Washington. They have been responsible for many events throughout history, including John Glenn's orbit around the Earth.

Today, members of the conspiracy are everywhere. They can be identified by spitting.

They want to lynching The Gaithers and imprison resisters in Siberia using rocket launchers.

In order to prepare for this, we all must sacrifice. Since the media is controlled by the Kennedys we should get our information from Oliver North.

Make your own conspiracy

What JTHM moment are you?
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umm... hurf?

>_< ....I've been sitting here for 3 minutes, staring at the screen. I don't know what to write. I'm sure I did 5 minutes ago.

*turns on Tori Amos, Scarlet's Walk*

I don't have anything 'cept my own thoughts. I'm getting rather tired of those. Lies and simple gestures. Affection and bared fangs.

Sometimes, while I'm at work I imagine that my arms are soacked in blood up to the elbow and there's gore caked under my nails. I'm thinking this while smiling at customers. Well, not so much smiling as smirking. A genuine smile on my face is a rare thing. Those muscles are so unused, it actually hurts when I do.

Disillusioned. Love songs water my eyes. Broken. What was I before all this? Can I ever return to that? No, and I don't think I'd want to. It wasn't a step up from this. But not that long ago, I was almost happy. I was so close.

Heh, I wonder if you're happy. I'll bet you are. I was nothing important.

I start humming "When Doves Cry"

currently: ow.

*listening to The Cure, Staring at the Sea*

My knee hurts. -_- And my left shoulder hurts to a lesser degree. I am falling apart. pbthhhh.

My room is in shambles again. (when is it not?)

What a crappy weekend I had. But it's over now. Time to move on. Think happy thoughts. I despise the world. =D

Oh, well, at least my nail polish hasn't chipped yet.

Boys don't cry

Ya know, if I won a large sum of money, I'd be practical with it. I'd buy a cabin somewhere secluded (does such a place even exist, anymore?) and invest a little money so I'd never have to work again. Because work sucks. No one should have to work. I think we should all eat tree bark and live near water!
Where was I?

Ah, yes, a cabin. With electricity. Or a generator. Or something. Then I could live away from people. People and their stupid opinions and their sadism.

I'm lost in the forest all alone

Your Hidden Sexual Talent is Being Multi-Orgasmic

What's *Your* Hidden Sexual Talent?
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o_O

I am a HUnewearl to know what you are take the quiz here.

currently: i have no image for what i feel right now

I'm going to try to stay up because I utterly fuct up my sleeping hours this weekend. I work at 7am Monday morning. This is going to be a fun day. I feel horrible.

My mental well-being or lack there of is fucking up my physical well-being. I feel like I'm stuck in a zoloft commercial.

I can't write anymore. I've already loaded my paper journal with steaming pile of brain doo.

I woke up/got out of bed around 6pm. I think I'm royally fuct since I work all morning shifts next week with the exception of Saturday night.

In other news, I think I'm going to either pound my head against the wall or start breaking things if I don't get some sort of communication from Rask.

This can't happen again. Not again. The idea of a friend ignoring me makes my brain bleed. This could be the end of that little thing called trust.

What the fuck did I do? O_O

It hurts.

just updated PSO screenshots page.

Thanks again to C.

currently: grr

The more I'm left to wonder, the more insane my imagination gets. And the more paranoia sets in. And the more I want to cry.

My dad came up behind me as I was sitting here earlier, typing away. He started rubbing my shoulders as he eyed the screen to see what I was doing. Then he said, "You're tenser than I am. It's like trying to massage a brick wall." I only grumbled in response.

I am tense. I'm always tense. The world is out to get me! Er... Anyway, yes, I'm stiff. Yes, I'm prone to muscle spasms and soreness. The world is a happy place. Yoga doesn't help when one's brain is the thing that's really in knots. Ow ow ow. And my chest hurts. When I went to bed this morning, it took me a while to fall asleep because of that. Feels like a herd of elephants have taken up residence on top of my heart. -_- Nothing can make it go away. Well... not anymore.

And my tummy hurts.

*sulks*

I'm not sick, either.