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personality disorder.
2003-01-29 - 9:17 p.m.
This is not me. I do not have a hole in my chest. I just drew that. It is HAPPY. Very very happy.
I haven't taken this test in a while.
I used to be somebody
2003-01-29 - 5:37 p.m.
*listening to Tori Amos, Scarlet's Walk* I wish I could make everyone happy with the snap of my fingers. Alas, these fingers are not magical. Today's candy heart fortune:
"E-mail me"
But who? Who, you stupid piece of chalky candy? Oh, I think we all know who. I have to let go for a while. Shed this skin, this bad feeling.
Nothing's ever as it seems. I know this. I know the heart wants what it wants even if it's wrong. And it aches when it finally understands that it's wrong. Meanwhile, the head's still wandering around aimlessly, groping for reason and logic. I used to wonder and long for something true. And maybe I convinced myself I had found something so. But the memories flooding around me every day are making me a weak thing. I wonder now if I'll soon drown in them. Will I look up at the surface as regret fills my mouth?
Too many cigarettes today. Too much sugar.
Candy <3's
2003-01-28 - 6:28 p.m.
Now, I will start a stupid project to amuse the masses and myself. Everyday, I will draw a candy heart from a bag and write for you what it says. This will then be my fortune for the day, and I will randomly insert it into my ramblings. Today's fortune:
"marry me" Well, that was rather lame. Perhaps if I add the old fortune cookie magic trick to the end of it, it will look better.
"marry me... in bed" No, it's still stupid. I'll keep this up for a month or so... or 'til the hearts start growing green fur and growling at me. If you'd like me to draw a candy heart from the bag for your fortune, scratch my post and tell me so. And then you will declare, "Marry me," and I will raise an eyebrow at you (or at least try to; I could never do that).
the songs of youth
2003-01-28 - 3:24 p.m.
currently:  I'll harpoon your ASS. *listening to random shit*
praying for myself
these thoughts i try to hide
i have faith in me
and hope this will survive
but it's tearing me apart
i can't hear the words by which i guide
so i must ask again
who will carry me
i will not deny
that nothing can defend
from this helplessness
that's cutting deep inside
and i cannot prevent
the thought that nothing's real
seems i've waited years
for this day to end
the strength i need to feel
the pride inside of me
are not there behind the face
staring back at me
the anger and the pain
of knowing where i am
i have come so far
and i cannot return
nothing i can do
that i have not done
no words i can say
no truth left that i can see
so must i let this end
so everything falls apart
before i live the life
as i have always done
tell me what to do
so i do nothing wrong
something i can hope for
something real that i can see
so nothing falls apart
so that it does not end
i cannot return
i can't start again Rubicon/VNV Nation I can't remember if I've written these lyrics up here before. *shrug* Sometimes when I listen to this song, I cry. I feel like like reading Squee right now. I drew filler bunny earlier at some really shitty oekaki. I was bored. It was pink. Random head cheese incoming!
So, I found out today that my favorite manager is quitting. This blows goat balls that have been tossed in a blender. And work just keeps going downhill. Well, work and the world. How about I just shove a SCUD missile up my arse and call it a day?
Savior
Mother brought me lunch today. >.> I did nothing to provoke this, I swear. She's nosing around for someone to help her put up mini-blinds or something. Umph. I guess I'll get suckered into that. It's not as though I don't have the time. And maybe if I'm lucky, psycho cat will claw me and leave scratches on my arms that look like pathetic suicide attempts again. I love animals, but I'd like to drop kick that one. ^_^
I have no nails.
Never hope, and you'll never be disappointed.
I've been here all the time
2003-01-27 - 6:13 a.m.
I dreamed that I was in PSO. Specifically, I was coming out of a wall as if a telepipe had been set either on it or in front of it. Umm, yeah. I don't remember if I was in my HUnewearl's body or not. All that I do remember is that Rask was there killing some B. Wolves (from the game), and I was having a conversation with him while he did so. He had good excuses for not communicating with me sooner. I think in this case, a dream is a wish the heart makes. Other times, I think my heart is hallucinating. I blame C for this dream since she was dressing up as a HUnewearl last night. You infected my dream! AGH. We're both such dorks... I dunno which is worse, dressing up like a game character or dreaming that you are one. I also dreamed about taking a trip south and being at a Wal Mart that wouldn't allow children. I hurty. So stiff. Muscle relaxers didn't help. =/ I'm staying home from work today.
I'm going to ignore the fact that George Michael is on the radio
2003-01-26 - 12:57 p.m.
I had a crazy string of dreams last night. Here's what I remember:
I was a policewoman in a house/warehouse with some other people who appeared to be CSI's. At some point, I start chasing a man and a boy through back yards. I feel as though I'm being followed, too. My chase leads through a back yard full of puppies. I overhear the boys talking about the profit that must be made on the puppies. The pups are all RW's or GR's. O.o So, as I'm trying not to trip over these tiny puppies, the dream begins to fade away. It was much clearer when I woke up... ah, well. I don't even know why I was chasing them. I think I had a dream about Rask after that, but it was one of those waking dreams, so it was gone in a nanosecond. My cats are constantly trying to trip me now because the only food they have is the kind they don't like. Soon as I stand up, they're weaving around my legs and meowing like there's no tomorrow. Sorry, kitties. It's snowing again, and I ain't leaving the house. Murr. A whole blissful day ahead of me to do nothing at all. Hooha.
Faster, Harder
2003-01-25 - 1:59 p.m.
currently:  I need new batteries.
Still so cold... Do you know what snow turns into when it melts? Spring.
I want spring. I want lush green and warm rain. Actually, anything but this crappy weather would be good right about now.
I seem to be caught in a time warp. Nothing's happening. And when something does, it's just a carbon copy of the day before. And Heart is on the radio. -_- ugh. *turns on Sin*
I've been up since 9. I went to be around 12 last night and had taken a long nap in the middle of yesterday. I'm just a whore for sleep. I don't feel like doing anything else. I need something. Anything.
Kuroiko and I are going to see Tori Amos on March 15th. That's something. But that's a long way away. My birthday is in a month. So, the birthday blues should set in around Valentine's Day. There's something to look forward to. That, and strangers asking me if I want to hang out. Shoo, fly, don't bother me. I hear sounds
Do you feel that presense? I just felt an angel spreading its wings behind me and cast a shadow over me.
this brought loneliness so far
2003-01-24 - 10:57 p.m.
*listening to Schiller, "Dream of You"*
There's not much going on in my life worth writing about. Could be worse. I could have sold my soul for mobile phone.
I took a nap earlier. Myar. I'm still sleepy. If I were trying to catch up on beauty sleep, I'd be in a coma right now. ^_^
Buying Tori tickets tomorrow. Even though it's one of the very few days of the week that I actually get to sleep in. I'll sleep in Sunday. And my car is pathetically screaming from the cold. I'll look into getting her brakes worked on very soon. Hopefully, my tax return this year will be decent and make up for the money lost on the car. -_- Suteki da ne.
Well, what now? More silence. More wondering.
Thank you, Captain Obvious
2003-01-24 - 11:19 a.m.
I was at work when the police department called my dad to ask him about the water leak in our front yard. We had a plumber out earlier this week and the water had been turned off until the plumber assessed that a line under the front yard somewhere had burst. Well, duh. The water was turned back on, then, and the plumbing company has been waiting for permission to dig up the yard. They have to have gas lines marked by the gas company and other such things.... Apparently the water steadily creeping down the curb of our street from the leak (as we live on a slight hill) is creating a traffic hazard. Nevermind 2 inches of packed ice and snow are on the road which the city has yet to clear. Nevermind all of our neighbors park their cars on the street, making it a narrow deathtrap to drive through. No, our little leak is creating HAZARD of DOOM.
So, when I pulled into the driveway, a police officer and the water company guy were standing around poking at the ice and water and the water valve. The policeman asked me the same things he had asked my dad on the phone, and I gave him the same answers. Plumber has been called. Yes, we're aware we have a leak. Now, I have a couple things to vent: It's the coldest fucking day of the year so far. School's have been closed because of the COLD and not the snow (when's the last time that happened?), and you're worried about a little ice on the shoulder of the road? Why don't you clear the fucking street and see how much of that water is really from the leak and how much of it was just snow slush. Secondly, I know one of our pissy neighbors had to have called about this to start with. The policeman said their had been several complaints... and by several, he probably meant one. Now, if the neighbor were... I dunno... neighborly, they would have spoken to us first to discover that, yes, we knew there was a leak and it was being taken care of. People just don't know what common courtesy is anymore. So, the water is off again. I don't care about that. I can go to my mom's house to shower, if I'm desperate. I want the pipe in the yard to be fixed as much as the next guy. The ground is nearly rock solid from the cold, though. What the hell can be done about that?
*turns on some Loreena Mckennitt* Ah... that's a little better. Think happy thoughts. Think happy thoughts. all the birds in the forest, they bitterly weep, saying where shall we shelter, where shall we sleep, for the oak and the ash they are all cutt'n down.... Something about old Irish songs makes me feel at ease. Now, let's tango the hell out of here. And turn on the space heater.
I'm all whore, baby
2003-01-23 - 10:26 p.m.
More tasteless quizzes.
You'll only kiss if the mood is right and if you think you are falling in love.
Some may say you're old fashioned, but when you kiss, you see stars!
One kiss from you, and anyone will be hooked forever.
How Do *You* Kiss?
More Great Quizzes from Quiz DivaPAH.
Again PAH. And more emphatically, this time.
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