You're the sad smile,the one that regrets nearly
everything and is constantly wondering about
what could have been.You're not happy with your
situation and usually blame yourself because of
the bad things that have happened.Cheer up.

What Kind of Smile are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Your Heart is Grey

What Color is Your Heart?
brought to you by Quizilla

You're nothing, really. But you're nice.

What type of music are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Cute Flirt

What Kind of FLIRT are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I'm going to go stick my head in a blender now.

I just had a dream that I was escourting a drug dealer out of his home. A message is pushed under a door frame to us that the mission has been nixed, so we try to flee immediately. And that's when bullets start flying. I can actually feel them a hair's breath away from hitting me. I wrap my arms around the dealer and urge him to run/hurry/duck. About a second later, he's shot in the face and blood is pouring forth like a waterfall. I'm flung into his body to see from his point of view.... then, all I remember is screaming for help from my own body again.

>.> One would think I'd been watching TV or something......

currently: oi

*listening to Rammstein with Heppner-- "Die Flut"*

Ladies and Gentlemen, prepare yourselves for a random bout of my mother's insanity ^_^

Okay, so she's been tossing out this stupid thought to me for a few weeks now... But today, she calls me and insists that police dogs continue to walk by her house. Every day, and different people and sometimes different dogs. They must be looking for drugs or something! The men wear sunglasses, so this means they must be detectives!

I shit you not, she really thinks it's the police. There's no possible way it could be--oh, I don't know--NEIGHBORS walking their FUCKING dogs. I tell her she's overly paranoid and still she insists it's not true. She honestly thinks that police would--for nearly a year--walk by her house as part of an investigation. She thinks that they think she's a drug dealer or something. I try to reason with her. Why would the police walk by and walk by and walk by as part of an investigation? Furthermore, not only is this not part of any routine investigation, they have to have a reason to investigate. Hell, wouldn't it be more logical to approach a person and question them rather than waste ungodly amounts of money and time walking by the person's house every day for a year?

The depths of her paranoia are truly frightening. She refuses to accept any other possibility! She pointed out one of the people and his dog one evening that I was over. Here, I tried to explain that no police dog could smell anything from that distance--let alone he's on the fucking sidewalk and can probably smell nothing but car exhaust and his own butt. And this dog that I saw! This fine K-9 bred just to be a police dog! I'm telling you, folks, this mighty mutt was part lab part oak tree. This dog couldn't even smell a police dog's butt, that's how far it is from the police force.

Anyhow, she tells me that she never noticed these dogs until Jamie's little incident. She wants desperately for me to buy into her delusion. I'd laugh, but it's just so fucking sad. She's nuts.

On a side note, she keeps dropping hints that she wants me to come visit Jamie at the funny farm. Sorry, I'm not really inclined to walk into psych wards to visit little brothers that stab my mother in the head. Just a few years ago, I walked into one sporting hot pink hair and a shirt that read "super freak," and I insisted he come out... I've been regretting it since. And the creepy looks the nurses give you and the look of awe on the faces of disturbed children are enough to give someone a power trip. Let me be your savior! I shall rescue you all from this inferno!

I never EVER want to enter another mental hospital so long as I live. Of my own volition or otherwise.

So, I wonder how long it will be before my mother is locked away again. By the looks of things, it's not that far off.

currently: I take your bullets.

Goddamn, I'm a weak-willed thing. I'm about two heartbeats from calling in to work... right now, there's a war of conscience going on inside my brain. My reason for staying home: I feel like crawling under a rock and dying. My reason for going to work: money. Shit. Shit. graaaaaaa... (and so on and so forth)

There were two birthdays yesterday. Lonelyfox and a coworker. 23 and 24, repectively. Happy belated birthdays to them. I would have written it sooner, but I only wrote in my paper journal yesterday and didn't feel like repeating myself.

TUMMY PAIIIIN. ughhh..

*hides under rock*

pbthhhh.

what's your battle cry? | mewing.net | merchandise!

Urfff..... =P

I am quite amused that Kuroiko took my auto away message so personally. HEE. It inserts a person's screen name into it.

Um... lessee... I want to move. I want to move. I want to move. The question is where? WHHHHHEEEERRRREEEE? I even explored apartment sites covering random states. Hmm, but if I did leave the state, I would have to wait a year to get residency before going to college (as it would be insanely expensive otherwise). And this would mean working some god-awful job or two to pay rent until I can apply for student loans. On the other hand, I could stay in this state and apply for loans and be set for college for a few years. But, to be honest, I'm thoroughly sick of school. Well, normal college, anyway. All this broadening your horizon bullshit is beginning to annoy me. Over 50% of the classes one is required to take are pointless and have nothing to do with what one is interested in as a career. Why we continue to torture ourselves in the name of tradition is absurd! If we had more people specialized in what they're doing, perhaps things would not be so fucked up and we would not have so many unhappy, wishy-washy people on our hands. I am only wondering.

Having multiple talents or some fall-back plan or whatever is fine. Great, in fact. But the fact that we have to pay to learn information that passes between our ears and out the back of our heads is a bit ridiculous, don't you think?

I highly doubt having to pick apart the greatest stories ever told is going to make me a better person. It's made me bitter, actually. Better yet, math (which I am so horrible at that it's not even funny) is not going to get me anywhere in life. The space race is over (isn't it?), so why should I know such crap as algebra and calculus? Unless algebra is going to somehow magically balance my checkbook, I don't think I need to know it. Besides, every time I learn it, I forget it in a matter of months from not using it at all. Architects, teachers, accountants, scientists... these people need math. Little ol' me does not. And I guess the fact that I'll eventually end up paying some school for math courses so I can get a degree pisses me off. bah.

*turns on VNV Nation*

Wow, I be a babbling bitch.

I don't even know if I will continue with college. I only want to so that I don't end up working crap jobs for the rest of my life. Now if I could only figure out what it is I DO want to do with the rest of my life.

A million points of light

I just want to be happy really. But who doesn't? And just like everything else, I must do it alone. If I succeed, I'll be stronger in the end. If I fail, I'll remain the same only a little more cynical.

*sigh* Romantics... We brainwash ourselves with so much junk, but I know that I do not need someone else to hold my hand as I ascend or descend. I don't need anyone at all. Which is how it has always been, right? Which is how it is meant to be. What bothers me is that I have to trust myself.

It is a wonder that I have not turned to drugs or some other form of self-abuse. =/ I guess sleeping is my vice.

did our laughter
did our tears
have some purpose after all?

Well, I smoke like a chimney, too. =( That's bad. It's passive suicide! Hurray!

In case you couldn't tell, I'm in a somewhat introspective mood. I'm also in hermit mode, which means I don't feel like communicating with anyone right now. I just want to write. I'm almost done.

Nothing is making me happy. =/

Done.

So, yesterday was uber-eventful. Went to a meeting at work at the ass-crack of dawn, came home a few hours later, received Ceres dvd 2 from Kuroiko (the highlight of my day), and then slept. And slept. And slept some more. In fact, I was probably up only a good 8 hours yesterday. I just woke up about an hour ago. Yeah, I feel pretty funky. o.O But I just didn't feel like being awake.

One of my coworker's is having a surprise birthday party tonight, and I'm trying to sum up the energy to even think about going. Inevitably, there will be drinking. I'm not very fond of drinking. Hell, I bought alcohol for my birthday and it's still sitting in a bag. Ah, and speaking of that wretched and long passed day, Ceres was my present from Kuroiko and The Silmarillion was my present from Toni. Joy! I have something to watch and read!

I am considering moving the rats out of my room, for their jumping and cage-top-hanging is starting to annoy the shit out of me. >.>

I can't even bring myself to play any games. I tried to a little bit yesterday but was too frustrated. I tried to draw, but my hands are too shaky. I cleaned a little but got bored to death... and that's about when I crawled into bed. I recognize that something is wrong with me. ^_^ HAPPINESS.

I have only a few options for escape. I'm talking long-run escape. None of them greatly appeal to me as they would involve large money loans. But, with money in my pocket, I would be more apt to succeed in whatever I pursue. That is, if I could convince myself that I have made the right choice and that the world is not such a horrible place. Once again, I state, There is nothing here for me.

My brain is fried from too much sleep. Pardon me.

currently: you get the idea

*listening to the horrid horrid radio*

I promise I'm not going to write anything angsty today.... after this ARGHHHH I HATE THE WORLD DOOM DOOM DOOM. Okay, I'm done.

Nothing's been keeping my interest lately. I haven't played PSO in a while. Haven't played RO in a couple days.

I bought Xenosaga despite what the fags say. It's an RPG; therefore, I will play it. Eat me. And it's pretty good. A little glitchy in places, but that may be my first generation PS2. -_- I'm not going to write anymore on it. What do I look like? Someone who gives a fuck?

Nyarrrr. I'm going out later with Darkcaesar to do hell knows what. Probably to raid a Waffle House or something. He's home for spring break. Judging by his diary, he's having a ball. =/

Somehow, I think summer is the proper time to have a nervous breakdown, so I'm waiting 'til then. Just a few more months. I'll manage.

So, err... yeah. Nothing's going on here. I went to bed at 8:30 last night and woke up every hour from one surreal dream after another. Got up at 5am for work and have been up since.

My rats have taken to knocking over their water dish as soon as I fill it up for them. I'm tempted to get them a bottle and be done with it. If they didn't jump up and hang and eventually fall from the top of the cage, the water dish would be fine. At the moment, Yuki is using me as climbing practice. And now she's trying to eat my eyeball.kaghgg sd stop thatttt. Trade in for Losse.

blahhhhh. Should I take a nap?

Thinking you're all sweet. All loving and sugary. Like a sundae on the day your heart was broke~n. la da da da da da da'dah. So sweet. Don't mind me. Don't mind anything. When the feeling's gone, and you're gone but not forgotte~n. So sweet.

I Would Die 4 U

I'm not a woman
I'm not a man
I am something that you'll never understand

I'll never beat u
I'll never lie
And if you're evil I'll forgive u by and by

U - I would die 4 u, yeah
Darling if u want me 2
U - I would die 4 u

I'm not your lover
I'm not your friend
I am something that you'll never comprehend

No need 2 worry
No need 2 cry
I'm your messiah and you're the reason why

'Cuz U - I would die 4 u, yeah
Darling if u want me 2
U - I would die 4 u

You're just a sinner I am told
Be your fire when you're cold
Make u happy when you're sad
Make u good when u are bad

I'm not a human
I am a dove
I'm your conscious
I am love
All I really need is 2 know that
U believe

Yeah, I would die 4 u, yeah
Darling if u want me 2
U - I would die 4 u

Yeah, say one more time

U - I would die 4 u
Darling if u want me 2
U - I would die 4 u
2 3 4 U

I would die 4 u
I would die 4 u
U - I would die 4 u
U - I would die 4 u

Prince

Hoom. I slept from about 2pm to 2am yesterday. I've been up since. MMmyep. That's been the theme for the last few days. So, uh, yeah. I'm not feeling very articulate at the moment. All the days have blurred together, and I can't believe I have to go back to work tomorrow (I think... I haven't called to check yet).

I've been toying with the idea of getting some little piss-on side job to make some extra money. It's become abundantly clear that I need it, though I hate money and all the crap attached to it. It's also clear that I am not very productive whilst being at home. Whilst? Wtf... Anyway, I just started a little bit of cleaning. I can close my closet door now =D Cleaning without water is a bitch though.

*Depeche Mode, Ultra stirs*

Blurrrfff. Yeah, I've pretty much been a vegetable for 5 days. I'm also aware of a numbness sweeping over me. Even when I'm at my most depressed, I cannot cry. While I know that everything I want is out of reach and the stars have it in for me, I cannot cannot bring myself to linger on it. More often than not, I stare into space and my mind wanders off only to return when the physical world comes in contact with my body. What I'm trying to express is that I am searching for something worth living for. Right now I've got nothing, but the numbness prevents me from worrying about it. Remind me again why I'm still breathing. What journey am I taking and where does it end?

Three doors to go through, I only want the one that leads to you

There are no doors. Or they're all locked. I see fools fooling themselves. Once upon a time, I would have taken them by their hands and led them the right way. Now, I simply watch as they walk into walls. These people mistreat love, mistreat their hearts, or ignore reason. And I'm becoming ignorant.

Feels like someone's stuck their entire arm up under my ribcage and yanked out my heart. If you see it, tell it I said Hi.

currently: Guhhrrrrr....fff

I just spent 376 dollars on Pandora's rear brakes and some belts. ;_; New Cylindars... BLEH. But she no longer squeals like a stuck piggy. One of the belts was completely worn to shreds and the other two were cracked to hell.

I am sleepy. I've been up since 9 last night. Or something like that. My tummy hurts, too. And now I am poorer than I was yesterday. ;_; A game came out that I want, too... and I know I will get it, I'm just too depressed to spend more money today.

This will only make sense if you have seen Scarface: Pixy Stix Fyx