Today's my second day off home from work when I should be working. I can't say what's wrong with me as I don't rightly know. I think a stress is mainly to blame. Sometimes when I'm emotionally weak, I'm vulnerable to illness. Tension builds up and I get migraines, I can't sleep or sleep too much, I ache all over, and I feel barfy. My dad actually said, "If you feel that bad, maybe you should see a doctor." I only sighed and came back here. This sucks. But I have issues with doctors, which I'm sure I've mentioned before. If I have not, this should suffice: doctors are evil and should be destroyed. I have no problems with nurses, as they usually just want blood or urine or to call you baby whenever possible. Nurses are okay. But they still make me uneasy; for where there is a nurse, there is sure to be a doctor.

I'm sure at one point in time, I was healthy. In utero, maybe. Hell, I don't have it that bad, and I'm not complaining. But chances are... if I get really sick and actually need medical attention, I won't bother.

On an interesting side note, the cyst on my left foot continues to worry/annoy me. I'm certain that it has gotten bigger since high school. It makes my foot ache, every once in a while. If I ever do go to a doctor and actually have the money for it, the cyst would be my top priority. The thought of minor surgery doesn't exactly thrill me, but neither does the thought of my foot being eaten off by a tumor. O_O

I'm going to go back to bed and hopefully fall asleep. Too much sleep is bad for you, I know. I don't recommend it. But leave me alone. =/

You are Mary Bell. At the ripe old age of 10 you
strangled a neighbor boy, afterwhich you carved
your initals into his skin. At his funreal you
laughed. Your next victim was a 3 year old. You
pushed him off the roof, resulting in a broken
skull. After he was found you went to his
mothers house and asked to see him, she replied
tha t he was dead. You smiled brightly and said
'Oh, I know he's dead. I wanted to see him in
his coffin." You horrid little girl you. -smacks your hand-

Which Imfamous criminal are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

My current mental state rather likes this result. GRAWLLL.

Oh, and I have to work in... 2+ hours. FUCK MY SKULL with a penny knife.

currently: the joy of being dead in the head

*listening to Radiohead, The Bends*

Oh, what a bright future ahead of us.

..... 11:20pm

I just did my dad's taxes. Aren't I a darling? Ya damn straight.

I keep telling myself that tomorrow's always a mystery. Yeah, tell that to my fucking intuition of doom.

I should have been a fortune teller. I think I got that there ESPN. HYuKkk.

But as for all the tomorrow's to come, I simply can't think that far. I will not try to mold myself into something I will not want to be 5, 10, or 20 years from now. And time means nothing. Time is nothing. There's only growth. Come, Buddha, let me show you what your enlightenment meant for all of us. Jack shit.

don't leave me high
don't leave me dry

So, I can't carve out my heart and bury it. But I can pretend that I did, and I can smile while I do it.

I can go to the movies by myself.

My brain is officially shot. I couldn't get any more disbursed if I actually blew my fucking head off. And that's not such a bad idea. ^_^

Heh... wish I could cry. Wish there were something monumental to say. Nope, I'm dried up in tears and spirit.

I watched the video for "A Sorta Fairytale" today. I liked it. A lot. But watching it with the frame of mind I'm in wasn't that great. I wanted to stab my eyes afterward. And the guy was cute. That's something. *stab stab stab*

I'm a bowl of cherries tonight! But guess what? We're all going to die, someday, and that's my only comfort. =D

Work, sleep. Work. Sleep some more. Fuck it, I think I'll sleep today. No, wait. Interrupted by work. Okay, back to sleep. Mmm sleep. If sleeping is like being dead, I can't wait! Gracefully, respectfully. Facing conflict deep inside myself.... Please don't worry, not for me. I keep waiting for the sugar coma. The delightful boom of bass and nicotine fury. That stream of consciousness crap you read about in the big books. I'd always tried to keep myself tied to this world.Tug of war. Underneath it all, aren't we so satisfied with ourselves? Yes, quite the opposite. Why does music feel so good? And you disappear. And there is no one left. You are the only one. Robert Smith said that, once. Why won't you just believe? I'm dying; I hope you're dying, too. Maybe I need a theraputic shovel to the head. Oh, I'm happy today. The children are at play. And all the lies and secrets you kept can be lost or locked away. Are the harpies after me? Not yet, I'm afraid. When they come, I'd fire a gun, but trees can't bear arms. Just a shadow of what I was meant to be. Who'll be there? Who'll I see when my last dream comes true? Someone throw this fish a line. I'm ready to get hooked. You tell me what's so great about this world. You tell me. I used to bleed so easily. Can someone see our self-destruction? Are we reminding ourselves that our existence is so delicate... that without this light we are no more? That without this light we've made, we are no more? Gott in Himmel. Arsch und Zwirn. May I have a glass of faith, please? I'm all out. It's all in vain. Good luck glorifying yourself. I'll be over here, pissing on your grave.

currently: poot

I just crawled out of bed. Uh... dammit. I was going to write about something, but I lost it.

I applied for financial aid. Hopefully, I'll get something. I don't know.

The dreams I've had lately have been pretty retarded. Mmyep. I can't remember any at the moment.

In more amusing news, someone searched for "HUnewearl chest" and got my diary.

I started watching Noir last night. YAY. And I ordered x-3 and all the Ceres DVDs I need to finish my collection. Once I get these, I'll go back to buying a couple DVDs a month and try not to pick up any new series until I finish up the ones I have. Right. *cough*

Despite the fact that I went to work today on maybe 2 hours of sleep, it turned out to be a rather okay day. For starters, I got paid to go shopping. That's right. I was on the clock while wandering around Wal Mart in search of Harry Potter shit. And Wal Mart didn't have anything, so I went to a party supply store. They were ridiculously expensive, but what did I care? I had a fifty in my pocket that didn't belong to me and was begging to be blown. Anyway, I spent it on Harry Potter decorative crap. And ugly little HP glasses for my coworkers to wear tomorrow. I am so evil. Fortunately, I do not work tomorrow, so I don't get to see them make fools of themselves nor to see the little brats come scurrying in for Chamber of Secrets. Hurrah.

Later in the day, the district manager (head honcho) walked up to me and shook my hand and proceeded to tell me what a good job I was doing. I was so shocked that I'm pretty sure my mouth was gaping open like a flytrap. Things like that just don't get done where I work. Typically, one will hear, "Sell this, sell that. You're not doing that right. Sell more of this." So, yeah, that little bit of praise made me feel really good about myself. It didn't inflate my head, but it re-affirmed my opinion that I do my job well despite all the shite I put up with. Meh! And the DM gave me a little card to enter into a drawing to win something for being so spiffy. I asked around to find out where this mysterious box to put the card in (which I had never heard of until this day) and discovered that the box has been used so little that I will most likely win whatever the drawing prize is. Heh. My place of work sucks like that. But, hey, I wonder what the prize will be.

I picked up Final Fantasy Origins for the PSX today. It's got Final Fantasy on it (which I have on the Nintendo and never finished because it was hella slow) and Final Fantasy II (which was never released State-side).

Now that I'm done with Xenosaga, I plan on playing more of Anthology and Chronicles. I might even finish up that Arc the Lad set I bought. This old-school stuff is giving me flashbacks of elementary and middle school. And maybe when I'm done with all that jazz, I'll replay FFVII and FFIX. I don't need to buy any games cuz nothing I really want is coming out any time soon. Ahh, that will ease my wallet's pain.

My tummy hurts. Mewph.

I took a nap today. I had a dream that I died in a car crash. I've had a very similar and vivid dream before, but this dream was a bit different. In it, I was in a massive pile-up and either my car was flying through the air and rolling or a huge semi was about to crush me. The details are a blur. But I recall that the instant before my death, my body went numb. It felt like pins and needles from head to toe. I remember my last thoughts, and I may or may not have said them out loud. Specifically, I remember my very last sentence. But I'm not sharing! =P

murr.

currently: Manic

*listening to Rhett Miller, The Instigator*

I don't want to be someone's last resort. Someone's charity case. Someone's burden. Someone's ball and chain. Someone's heartbreaker or someone's broken heart. Someone's victim. Someone's back-up plan. Someone's shelter. Someone's better half. Someone's last memory. Someone's disease. Someone's excuse. Someone's secret. Someone's daydream. Someone's accident. Someone's mistake.

When I know who I want to be, I'll let you know.

I know it might sound weird
but all these things here
they're things that disappear

currently: hmm... boobehs.

I just wanted to start a new page. I am silly. Also, pizza crust is sometimes the best part of the pizza. I've been smoking too much. Passive suicide is tres chic. Sorta like using phrases from another language which you don't speak. So, I let crazy pull me in. What do you want on your tombstone?

I finished Xenosaga last night. I didn't do a lot of stuff, I'm sure. I always use the strategy guide the second time through. But I just wanted to see the end, so I can move on to other stuff. One month is usually my maximum attention span for a game, unless it's mind-numbingly good.

Which reminds me, my HL for PSO expires in a few days. Should I cancel? *sigh* I don't know... I think I'll continue to play it just because I sank so much money into it.

*Flesh Field, "Fallen Angel"*

The key is to keep myself distracted from thinking. Thinking bad. Flatlining.

I feel the need to run away and hide

And now, Rammstein with Heppner... this is scary and delightful. And German.

Sorry, I'm babbling. What else is new? I got my state return. Yay. Pika.