currently: I feel funky.

I had a weird weekend. I stayed up from 3am friday morning to around 7am saturday morning. Got up at 8 that night and went back to bed at 4am. Had strange waking-dreams for about 3 hours; then, I got up for work. Now, I'm sitting here with a hurty tummy (stupid fucking Denny's with your grand slam grease).

The apartment search is going better than expected now. Now, I'm just waiting to see if any are or will be vacant. Found a particularly good one today, too. A coworker lives there.

BBLiRGRGHhhhhhhhh. I feel so out-of-it/gross.

Listening to people talk about planning weddings is not a delight. In fact, for me, I sounds all very Martian. Most of me is thinking, "Why?" while other parts of me are thinking, "I hope they don't want me in the wedding." Aren't I a bitch? Even worse is when the bride wants a fucking shower. Bitch, I'm poor! You're getting married, not losing your job. >.> Maybe I'm just cranky because I haven't had a period in three months. That could be it.

More on that note, I'm trying to think of names for the immaculate anti-christ. If it's a boy, I'm thinking Rask (for it is the name of EVIL.... I'm kidding. But you could fucking call me, you little shit. I swear to god, I'm going to track you down one day and boil your bunny >=[ Or molest you. I can't decide which.). And if it's a girl, maybe Dot.

Wouldn't it be great if a giant alien burst out of me, like in Alien? That would be so sweet. heh

it: MOMMYYYYY!!!

me: urk *dies*

Yes, clearly, I would not make a great host to the anti-christ. It would make as much since as me getting stigmata.

I need sleep =( I can never have enough sleep. But I mustn't give in. I have to work tomorrow morning. Must sleep at night. =(

Oh, before I forget completely, one of the dreams I had this morning involved a woman and a man that were like gods. They could literally conjure things by thought or move things with their wills, etc. I do not believe I was in the dream, but I was watching it through the eyes of others. At first, the man and woman were not together... and then they met when I child (who was not actually a child but a grown woman--but she was one year old) arrived in a car and was paid off for doing something for the woman. The godly woman conjured stacks and stacks of money and put it in the child's car. Suddenly, the man was there, and I kinda got the feeling that he was the good guy and the woman was not so good. The dream shifts (or I lost the memory of what happened in between here), and the man and woman are taking two children (which were actually children--I'd say somewhere between 5-8) and leave behind their first child with the character I can see through and some old, asian man. Then, we're in helicopters, chasing down the the man and woman. It has something to do with the first child, as he is with us. He has the same gifts as his parents (the other kids might, too, but this wasn't presented in the dream). The asian man is piloting our helicopter, and the man and woman use their gifts to fuck up our flight... we end up crashing, but the boy with us saves us by landing the helicopter gently in water. I don't remember much after that except the woman turning glass into fabric to wrap around her other children or something.

It was a very very very bizarre dream. I wouldn't mind having more like it.

What in a cemetery are you? by FictionalVixen.

But they are! They are out to hurt me! The fuckers!

Jesus, I'm fucking tired. And I feel like I fell asleep face down in the rain. Ya know, the usual. I'm never gonna fucking wake up, am I? Fuck. Rinse. Repeat.

Asthma attacks... suck... athhhhh. I just bathed my cats because Zillah got outside the other day and I was worried about fleas (he was hanging out with some rough/cute-looking strays). And now I can't fucking breathe. I'm not allergic to cat dander, but I guess something about the moisture and cat fur/dander combined irritates my lungs. I need a bagggggggg!!!!!!! *wheeze wheeze* Last time I had one of these, it lasted for almost an hour. ;_; I have great sympathy for asthmatics. This just bites.

I'm off to look up apartments again. I've found a few one bedroom's but no studio's yet. The one bedroom's are nice, but still a little too high for me. =/

Hmm, I am all alone =D Sure, I can't breathe, but I've got peace and quiet!

*turns on New Order, Get Ready*

Uh... nevermind.

We're like crystal
Hey
We break easy
Hoo
I'm a poor man
Hey
If you leave me....
Hoo

*WWEEEEZE* ;_;

I watched Black Hawk Down again. It was on TV, and I was up at 3am... so, yeah. That movie tears me up every time I watch it. The fact that it really happened makes it even worse. Orlando Bloom getting knocked out within the first 45 minutes triples the paiiiin. I'm kidding. =P

Ewww... expensive apartment city. Grawl.

I dreamed that I was dying, again. This time, my liver was messed up somehow (it was failing, I think), and I was in the advanced stages of cancer. The cancer was in my liver and brain. That numbness that I've spoken of before in my dying dreams was present again. Specifically, I felt like my head was fuzzing out and I couldn't see in one eye. I was lying on a bed, and my dad was there with me. If others were there, I couldn't see them. I was completely at peace with dying, and I felt like I was going to go at any minute. I wasn't concerned with saying goodbye to people or what would happen to my possessions. I was on my way out. That's all I remember.

I have such happy dreams =/

I slept from 10am to 8pm. Returned to bed at 11pm or so and just woke up a few minutes ago. So, pretty much what I'm saying is that I skipped right over Wednesday. Eheh... I don't think I've slept this much since I was in middle school. I feel somewhat guilty, as I'm sure there may have been something I could have been doing. But that would have required me being awake. And while awake, I think. Thinking is bad.

To top it all off, I now have the Beatles song "Yesterday" stuck in my head. Fuck me running.

In one of my dreams, I was shopping at an oak outlet store before I had to go to work. So, it was about 4am in the dream. And I was singing "Fever" at some point. I was hoping to buy furniture for my apartment. I think. Pah, dreams are stupid.

Fikkusu's Battle Imp is

Eaery

Backstabbing: 10 Dodgin': 2 Guts: 10 Magic Mojo: 9 Smackdown: 4

Will your battle imp beat Fikkusu's? Enter your name and fight.

currently: drawing flies

*listening to Rhett Miller, The Instigator*

uh.... Fug, I'm tired.

I'm gonna be lonely for the rest o' my life.

Remember those trust issues I had way back when? Theyyyyy're baaaaack. O_O Mmmyep. So... heh. I can't buy in to anything anyone has to say. I can't believe. People suck. Why must I be one? I think I'll be mold. I'm allergic to myself.

*switch to Apoptygma Berzerk, Harmonizer*

Shit, I don't feel like writing anymore. A vein might burst in my forehead. Or chest. Ahas;gha;g. DIE DIE DIE.

Love Never Dies, part 3

Saw you looking so sad
Like everything is gone
So you left them all Just leave them all behind
Just realize the water is way over our heads
I don't worry much, cause I'm halfway dead

So why are you crying?
Why are you crying?

Can you tell me why, can you tell me how?
Can you tell me why aren't you happy now?
Whatever it is, it's really over now
Can you tell me why, can you tell me how?

We took them by surprise
By leaving this place
Some thoughts we left behind
Some good and some sad

You should know
I hold you in my arms...

You should know
That I hold you in my arms...

Apoptygma Berzerk

Every time I hear this Tears for Fears song, I think of Donnie Darko.

I know it may seem silly, but I'm stock-piling this stuff that I will need when I move out. I'm buying it now with the spare cash that I have (which will be limited due to a couple of tiny paychecks--fucking work giving me no hours) in small amounts. For instance, today, I bought some silverware. That's it. Maybe I'll buy towels or something the next time I go shopping. This also motivates me to actually move out. If I successfully get financial aid, I will move out. I'm not even concerned with the living conditions, so long as 1)there are no roaches/silverfish and 2) it's not directly in the center of the ghetto. A tiny studio will suit me fine.

Ah, money. I hate it so.

There is so much that I can live without. When the time comes, it will have to go. Cable, for example. The only thing I might miss are the discovery channels and cartoon network ;_;

I've thought of what to get Toni for her birthday... but I'm not sure if it's do-able. And now that I know she might be reading this, I can't discuss it. =/ Fooo.... *grumble*

Hmmm moving out. I'm anticipating living on my own. When I lived in a dorm, I did rather well with being self-reliant. I can handle that, no problem. Bills, chores, other trivial tripe. No problem. I've always been an independent spirit and living with my father is driving me insane. I know that the number of people living with their parents into their mid-twenties is increasing, but I just can't do it! I know the world is getting more expensive to live in. But saying those things to myself sounds like an excuse. And that's all it really is. I'm going to struggle, no doubt. I'm going to fret about not getting paid enough or not getting enough hours. I'm going to fret over papers for school driving me insane. It would be easier living with someone else. It would divide the stress over bills. I don't know. Ya know the only thing I'm going to truly miss? Fattening my nest egg. That's what I'm going to miss.

That reminds me of a story Mr. Kinard told me back in high school. He knew a woman that saved every cent she could. If I recall correctly, she was a teacher. She was so frugle that by the end of her lifetime, she was worth millions. I can see myself being like that. I already have money that I refuse to touch. My so-called "nest egg." It's not really a nest egg. It's more like an emergency fund. I never withdraw from my savings. Ever. Even when I move out, I don't plan on touching it. Which is why I'm trying to save money now. If I have any goals at all in life, one of them is to not end up like my mother.

I don't dream of someday living in a house with a big yard and a white picket fence. I don't dream of having kids and a dog. Heh, if I do dream, it's of a cabin in the woods somewhere. While I'm dreaming, throw in a handsome gardner and a maid. Wait... isn't that from Lady Chatterly?

One way or another
I'm gonna find ya
I'm gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha

I'm trying to be optimistic, here. Don't ruin this moment; they don't happen often.

currently: URGLEEFFOOoo

*listening to extrememly horrible 80's rock that's on the radio*

Alright, that shit has got to stop or my head will implode. *attacks stereo* IYAAAAA! Take that, you bastard!

*now listening to Mozart, Eine Kleine Nachtmusik, First Movement*

So. Hmm. I feel really fucking lost at the moment. I tried drawing but don't have the spirt tonight. All I could manage were a few scribbles. I thought about working on a story... but I'm more in the mood to destroy than create. That's how it goes.

I got two hours a sleep (maybe) before I went to work this morning. Naturally, I ended up crashing later in the day. Took a 5-6 hour nap. And since I woke up, I've been a grouchy BIOTTCHA. I want to eat brains! Kill spiders! Tackle cleaning the ceiling with my feet! I propose that I will not do any of these things, though. If the weather permits, I might go to a park tomorrow and stare at the duckies. I remember doing that last year when bad shit was going on.

I'm supposed to go out Saturday night with some people from work. That will be the extent of my socializing for spring. Then, it's back to brooding in my room and swearing at the top of my lungs. Well, I don't always swear at the top of my lungs. I bet it would be cathartic to do that.

I spent 45 minutes talking to some guy about anime while I was at work. Somehow, I managed to drag myself away from otaku-conversation and get back to work. I guess I was bored. There are regulars who come in that I end up chatting with longer than necessary about ridiculous shit like that. Maybe I'm desperate for conversation with anyone who'll listen/agree/disagree/respond. If that's the case, I should work extra hard to keep my mouth shut. When I speak, my idiocy is revealed, and I feel it's written in neon lights above my head. Ahh, to be the oblivious moron would be grand. But I am aware. ;_;

*Violin Concerto*

New layout. Nothing else.