fyxation: pso is about a colony of people seeking out a new planet to call home. this first colony sets up on a planet then suddenly disappears whent he second colony arrives in orbit. turns out, strange things are afoot on the surface....
fyxation: the story is multi-faceted from there
RJHark00: i see
RJHark00: i'll take your word for it
fyxation: i tried writing a short story that had a lot of bg info in it... but I gave up because i lost my inspiration
RJHark00: bg? what do you mean lost your inspiration?
fyxation: it was about my character finding rask's character (he'd disappeared on the surface or something). and I was going to incorporate a lil history of pso and my other characters and my friend's characters...... but ... yeah, lost interest
RJHark00: have you heard from him at all recently?
fyxation: no.
RJHark00: well it happens i guess
fyxation: yeah. wish it could have happened differently. but most wishes are wasted.
RJHark00: well if you believe that things happen for a reason as i tend to do, it makes sense
RJHark00: i mean don't you think you learned something about yourself?
fyxation: yeah, I suppose.
RJHark00: yeah you probably did. the most painful lessons are usually the most meaningful
RJHark00: they make you pay attention
fyxation: but I never learn anything positive about myself. or if there is anything positive to see in a situation, I don't see it.
RJHark00: well from an outside view i see a positive
RJHark00: i mean you learned a) that you were capable of such emotions
RJHark00: b) that you were interested in expressing them
RJHark00: c) that you had more of an interest in that expression than perhaps the other person did
RJHark00: d) that pain's a bitch, and you may be more careful about how you try and express those emotions
RJHark00: e) you got experience of something you hadn't had before
RJHark00: and that makes you stronger
fyxation: except for e, i don't think i got any of that out of this.
RJHark00: maybe you were looking for something and didn't know it
RJHark00: see the problem with the internet is that it is such an impersonal place
RJHark00: and when your only knowledge of a person is through text or even a voice, it's easier for you to romanticize than a real live person
RJHark00: because it's a controlled media and you don't see the full picture
fyxation: but you see, we never used the internet as a means of communicating our feelings. ever. that was stupid to both of us. we spoke on the phone. but even then... it was hopeless.
RJHark00: maybe not hopeless, but the odds were against you
RJHark00: in any case, you trusted a lot on this other person
RJHark00: while that in itself is not a fault, you didn't know a lot about him
RJHark00: and besides, almost all relationships fail at some point anyway
RJHark00: it's not like you're the first
fyxation: my ability to trust was almost non-existant before i really got to talking to him. then, it was healing... and soon blown to bits again.
RJHark00: failed relationships with people are a part of life. it sucks, but that happens. i have trust issues too, and those can only be helped with experience and time
RJHark00: and it's true that time heals (almost) all wounds
fyxation: part of me hates myself for having fallen in love with him in the first place.
RJHark00: well it was bound to happen at some point, it's understandable
RJHark00: the question is who did you fall in love with?
fyxation: i see it as my failure. a failure for having done something I knew I could not do.
RJHark00: it is your failure, but it's a failure shared by every human being on this planet, and unavoidable
RJHark00: so what can you do about it? not much, so you deal with it
fyxation: yeah, but most people want it or can't live without it or hope for it. i had no such plans. it was an accident'
RJHark00: but my point is the fact that it happened signifies a) you can and b) you would
fyxation: i don't think i can again. if i did, i'd hate myself so much more and set myself up for failure because of those feelings.
RJHark00: yeah but you didn't think you could at all before and it happened
RJHark00: don't rule it out
fyxation: i try to tell myself that every day is different, and I shouldn't close the door... but mentally, I already have. I know it sounds stupid. but it's like someone who's been struck by lightning avoiding storms.
RJHark00: don't take this offensively
RJHark00: but it sounds like you're going through delayed teen angst
RJHark00: the part of every person's life
RJHark00: and you are not a vulcan and you can not shut off your feelings or desires
fyxation: i've been like this since I was 9. i feel more angsty than I was in high school. and I was terrible in high school.
RJHark00: that doesn't mean you still can't feel that way
RJHark00: you see...
RJHark00: many people in history have tried one thing or another to deny some portion of humanity or control it or change it...
RJHark00: some have succeeded, some failed, but wither way, why would you want to?
RJHark00: yeah it has its shitty moments

RJHark00: but sometimes it can make those worthwhile too
fyxation: you're much better at optimism than I am.
RJHark00 signed off at 11:41:31 PM.
RJHark00 signed on at 11:41:36 PM.
RJHark00: booted
fyxation: you're much better at optimism than I am
RJHark00: well i'm not naive enough anymore to tell you that the world is so great if you let it be or whatever
RJHark00: everyone finds it for themselves
RJHark00: and you don't see the world as great or terrible
RJHark00: you have to see it for what it is
fyxation: an ovely developed ball of dirt?
fyxation: overly
RJHark00: the fact is that this was the first time in your mind that you were in a relationship
RJHark00: and it apparently didn't work
RJHark00: so you want to find a reason
fyxation: it wasn't a relationship though.
RJHark00: and you find it in yourself
fyxation: it wasn't defined at all
RJHark00: i know...i use the term loosely
RJHark00: it didn't have to be a mutual relationship
RJHark00: but you cared for this person
RJHark00: in a way you hadn't really cared for somebody before i'm guessing
RJHark00: for whatever reason
RJHark00: so that counts
fyxation: yeah.
RJHark00: i mean i really don't know what to tell you
RJHark00: but i think you are too hard on yourself
fyxation: i've gone numb in the last few months.
RJHark00: not that that is unnatural or there is anything i can tell you to convince you otherwise. you've mentioned that before...just in general?
fyxation: the last time I was emotionally numb, i had terrible insomnia. now I sleep too much
fyxation: i'm not sure... it's like I can't feel anything for myself. I don't get angry or feel so sad that I want to cry. I just sit and stare into space.
RJHark00: so? I doubt you're emotinally numb, it's more likely that you're cautious. it's not like you really need a reason anyway
RJHark00: as dr. phil says, we do stuff we do for a reason. what do you gain by not trying to feel anything?
fyxation: i'm not trying. sometimes I do want to cry and just get it out, but I can't. that pressure won't build up and go.
RJHark00: well where does it go?
RJHark00: it doesn't just disappear. something happens to it
fyxation: it evaporates before my thoughts can get around it.
RJHark00: whether you realize that or not
RJHark00: okay well if you are able to not fester about something like that, but just let it go, then what's the problem?
RJHark00: why can't you move on?
fyxation: i can't let it go because curiousity gets the better of me, for the most part.
RJHark00: what do you mean? what are you curious about?
fyxation: i'm trying to learn from my mistakes by playing out the different scenarios in my head... or clinging to some thread that I am not getting ignored for the umteenth time in my life.... I dunno. it's a whole jumble of things
RJHark00: well there's nothing worng with that
RJHark00: but thinking about the scenarios won't make them happen
fyxation: i know. i'm just wondering what I could have done to avoid this stupidity.
RJHark00: in my experience, things that have worried me like this didn't fade out, i had some sort of sudden epiphany and they were just gone. well you may not have been able to do anything
RJHark00: stupidity is its own entity
RJHark00: either way, what's done is done
fyxation: I know that much. the issue is done and over with.
fyxation: I'm the one I have to deal with.
RJHark00: see that's the thing. you don't have to deal with shit or rationalize anything
RJHark00: just let it go and write it off as a bygone
RJHark00: eventually, it will be anyway
RJHark00: i seriously doubt that when you are 70, you will be looking in a mirror mourning for travis
fyxation: this "it" is not a thing that happened, tho.
RJHark00: what do you mean?
fyxation: I think the "it" is me. i don't have the basics.
fyxation: i don't know what will make me happy.
RJHark00: what do you think are the basics?
RJHark00: shit, who does?
fyxation: these millions of people running a fucking rat race?
RJHark00: be more specific
fyxation: make money, have a family, be prosperous.
RJHark00: this rat race is the "basics" and what about that don't you have? you mean you don't understand, want...?
fyxation: the basics i'm talking about are self-actualization. knowing what you're good at, knowing what you want and how you're going to get it, knowing your place in your world and if you're okay with it.
fyxation: and so on
RJHark00: well i think anybody claims to have a full understanding of that is deluded anyway since people change along with their wants and needs
fyxation: i know, i know.
RJHark00: i don't see how you think you need to know all that stuff
RJHark00: i always thought part of the fun was life not followed to a road map
fyxation: i don't want to know all of it, but I'd like to have just an inkling of a fucking clue.
RJHark00: maybe you already do
fyxation: aside from genetic instincts, i don't know.
RJHark00: for all you know about the future, something/some meaning may just pop up when you least expect it
RJHark00: but until that happens, all you can do is live your life
fyxation: and I do. I've got nothing else to do.
RJHark00: well there you go. do the best you can.
fyxation: why do the best when i can get by half-assing it
RJHark00: if that's not enough, i don't know what is
fyxation: I'm being sarcastic
RJHark00: well look at it this way: the fact that you think about this already separates you from half the world
RJHark00: in our society, it's easy for us to think like this because we have all our material needs
RJHark00: and then some, such as these computers
RJHark00: people in iraq don't have time to be so self-conscious because they're busy dodging bombs
fyxation: true. but we're not allowed to go on pilgremages of the soul, anymore... not without being a bum. anywhere you are, you should be able to walk away from everything you have. even making that choice knowing a bullet could catch you in the back.... well, at least you made a choice.
RJHark00: or not. i could drop dead at any moment for any reason without warning, then it wouldn't matter
fyxation: you don't know how sick I am of my own introspective bullshit.
RJHark00: well look, my eyelids are about to close on their own
RJHark00: i need to stop looking at this screen for a while
fyxation: i should have gone to bed hours ago.
fyxation: i'm tired as fuck and I haven't eaten. ZZZZ
RJHark00: i know the feeling
RJHark00: yeah go eat
RJHark00: ciao
fyxation: bye

currently: whatever

*listening to October Project*

Bury my motherfucking lovely!

I got a little too much sleep last night (6:30pm to 5am =D), so I'm all wiggy now. Wiggity wiggity. Also, I bought anime XD. I realize I won't have that much extra cash to blow on anime when I move out, so I'll have to be even pickier than I am now... but but but anime is like crack! GTO and Noir. ^_____^

Hoom.

Murr. I don't have anyone to play RO with, so I suspect I'm going to get bored with it again. It's only a momentary distraction, anyway.

A fox's birthday is very soon. I still remember. I am dumb like that.

asjfghdk;fjh

Where you are
Do you know
I think of you
Where you are
Do you know
I think you do

Bored with this. JA!

*listening to Lords of Acid, "Pussy"*

Buy me one of these, and I will love you forever.

I wanna pet your pussy! Show it to me!

Since I've started playing RO again, I thought I'd share a few screenshots. Unfortunately, after the reset to this current open beta (it's free!! but impossible to download, so good luck!), I lost all of my items. Even the uber-precious ones I was going to sell to get Fyxation a decent sword. Oh, the agony!

Anyway, here they be:

Fyxation soon after I found a Pierrot Nose in the second closed beta. Heh, it makes her look like a drunk.

Fyxation fully equipped during second beta. =D

Jazell'a right after she became a merchant.

Fyxation right now, in open beta.... note the lack of ANYTHING. ;_; Wahhhhh! (and so on)

The thunder and rain are ceaseless.

The babbling of idots never ends, either.

But what else is new?

Turning again. Walking downward and ever turning. Don't look up; the sun will haunt you. Don't look down; the shadows will bind you. Keep on going with a dead stare .

Voices from the past ring out, but I can't make out their words. When finally they catch up with me, their eyes do not recognize mine. "What has happened to you?" "Who are you now?"

I burned my footsteps from the path behind me. Who I was yesterday would not like me as I am today.

"What happened to the light in your eyes?"

The light's gone out. If it were ever there. Do not look too closely, for you'll fall in.

If I go deep enough, I'd like to find some part of me that still nurtures hope. Until I get there, I cannot promise that my optimism is genuine.

My name is Ariel
And I want to be free
It is your sorrow
That has made a slave of me
Forgive me
Forgive me
But you are all I know
Forgive me for leaving

The day is breaking now
It's time to go away
I'm so afraid to leave
But more afraid to stay
Forgive me
For Leaving
The sadness in your eyes
Forgive me

Let the wind and ocean water
Wash across your hands
Wash away a thousand footsteps
Wash us all away
Like sand

The sky has fallen
Now the earth is dry and torn
I know you're tired
From the violence of the storm
I love you

I love you
But you are all I know
Forgive me

Let the wind and ocean water
Wash across your hands
Wash away a thousand footsteps
Wash us all away

Let the wind and ocean water
Wash across your hands
Wash away a thousand memories
Wash us all away
Like sand

My name is Ariel....
My name is Ariel....

October Project

Ach, this music is so romantic that I want to shoot myself.

Your Ultimate Purity Score Is...
Category	Your Score	Average
Self-Lovin'	81.7% Never taken out of the packaging	59.3%
Shamelessness	85.7% Has yet to see self in mirror	75.1%
Sex Drive	89.5% The Pope is envious	72.9%
Straightness	60.7% Felt someone up once	37.4%
Gayness	69.6% Had that experience at camp	76.4%
Fucking Sick	93.8% Refreshingly normal	86.5%
You are 80.31% pure Average Score: 67.4%
Take The Ultimate Purity Test and see how you match up!

I am a canker sore on the face of the earth.

currently:

I bought the October Project self-titled CD today. =)~~~ It's SO PRETTY. Now, I want this. I also bought the Marilyn Manson "Mobscene" single. Dichotomies are indeed good.

If it weren't for music, I would be dead. I know this. So, you'll have to forgive me if I start convulsing when something wretched like Avril Lavigne drifts into my ear. Or worse, Shakira. She's got perty hips, though. Too bad she sounds like a mule. Hyuk.

Hmm... Bry burned most of these songs on the CD's she made me. But it's important to support the artists you like and not thoughtlessly horde their music without showing them your appreciation. It would be like watching a street musician for a few songs and not dropping him some change. Ya rude shit!

I think downloading music is great. It's perfect for making mix CD's or rounding out your singles collection. Not to mention getting those songs which you couldn't track down with search lights and a satelite (out-of-prints and the like). But downloading entire albums is ridiculous. And don't give me that shit about record companies getting all the profit. They pay the artists.

Some websites have launched that charge membership to download songs or have a fee per song you download. Whatever. I don't see how those will last, despite the relative success of the Apple launch (isomethingorother). I guess it's the record companies' way of fighting back all the loss of profit. And it provides the web-based companies with a new way to reap money from the stupid. Sounds like the right business for me. O_O I'm kidding. Though I do love taking advantage of stupid people. ^_^

I've babbled enough. Time to surf away.

you rise like a wave in the ocean
and you fall gently back to the sea
now i want to know how to hold you
return to me
return to me

you shine like the moon over water
and you darken the sky when you leave
now i want to know how to keep you
return to me
return to me
turn to me
return to me

everything i tell you has been spoken
and everything i say was said before
but everything i feel is for the first time
and everything i feel i feel for you

i am here calling the wind
i am here calling your name
i am here calling you back
return to me
return to me

i know what it means to be lonely
and i know what it means to be free
now i want to know how to love you
return to me
return to me
i am here calling the wind
i am here calling your name
i am here calling you back
return to me
return to me

October Project

Thank you, Foxy Lady. This suits my thoughts of late perfectly.

Damn, Kuroiko, that was a fun game.

These pills are doing awful things to my tummy while they were on my lungs. Oooggy. Feels like frogs are fighting in my stomach.

I've been trying to randomly clean and pack up stuff so I won't have to deal with it in a few months.

Now, I'm playing the waiting game for financial aid. I'll finish up something this year at LCC. Then, I'll move on to something. Even if it ends up being UK, I just want to get it over with. But I can only do it if I have money.

I need a hair cut.

Horseman of Death: You the man! You are THE most
famous Horseman of the Apocalypse and you even
hold a part-time job until then! At the end of
the world, you'll be the one in charge of the
Horsemen, and you ALWAYS have the last laugh,
or cackle.

What role will YOU play in the Apocalypse?
brought to you by Quizilla

currently:

I'm feeling a smidge better at the moment. Just woke not too long ago.

Saw X2 yesterday. All the references for comic readers were pretty sweet. Piotr Rasputin was badass, among several other things.

I'm also feeling particularly miserable today, but I'm growing complacent with misery, so it's not that bad. That's horrible. Oh, well, maybe things will change for me soon.

Great... I just started thinking about PSO. My $500 investment down the drain. No one to play with; no reason to play. Oh, well... I could always sell everything on e-bay. And unless a game comes out for the Cube that I want (FF Crystal), I probably will.

I'm going shopping in the afternoon with Kuroiko. We bought dishes the other day. Now, we'll be looking for other utensils and necessities. I'm thinking about giving the landlady a security deposit as soon as she has a 2 bedroom vacancy in July. I dunno. I wanna save up a lil bit more money before moving out. But in all likelyhood, we could move out sooner. We're shopping now while we have money.

The one person I need... is lost.