*listening to October Project*

I'm going to read through my paper journals starting from April/May 2001 (when I started playing PSO). I'm feeling particularly masochistic today. What can I say? When I've had enough, I'll sleep. I slept 2pm to 11pm Tuesday. I slept 3:30pm to 11:30pm yesterday. I suspect I'll follow a similar pattern today, seeing as there is little for which to be awake.

La da da

currently: waiting for nothing

*listening to DeVision, "Remember, Sweet Harmony Mix"*

Your dreams were never mine
and still you're more
to me
than a fading memory
that's why I sing
for you
there's nothing else for me to do

Finally, I'm off from work, and I have tomorrow off. Finally. Finally. It seems like the entire week blurred by in work and sleep. Which isn't so horrible, but I feel like I got very little done.

I was going to get Toni's tattoo touched up for her as her birthday present (which was last month... I suck). But that plan sorta fell through. I'm out of ideas. I went to the mall after work yesterday in search of something for her, but nothing screamed Toni. fehhh.

Kuroiko wants to get a dog since she has decided to leave her cat at home. Zillah would hate me forever. I just don't think we can do it. Dogs need schedules more than humans do. Meh. I miss having a dog. I want one when I get a house (hahahah, yeah, right).

Ragnarok will be out of beta testing and start pay-to-play live on June 1st. Murr... I think I might continue to play it for a month or so. I don't know. A friend in WA was going to play IRO after he gets DSL, but now that it's going to be pay-to-play, I don't know if he still will. Feh... I may begin to play PSO again this summer. Absolutely no one I know plays it anymore. But when a guy I work with gets back from Hawaii, he's going to borrow it from another coworker and borrow his BBA. Hmm.

I need to call the landlady at the aparments da fox and I are looking at.

I started reading the latest Sorcerer Hunters manga novel this morning before work, and it made me think of Rask. Heh, everything makes me think of him. Oh, well. Can't stop that.

My mom came over today and apologized for storming out yesterday. Ulterior motive: she had to borrow money. I've lent her money before. She always pays me back, luckily. Nevermind the two grand she owes my dad. He'll never see that again. But she has to pay me back because I'm the only one who'll listen to her bullshit. And she gives me interest.

I need chocolate. *growl*

My mother stopped by today to tell me that she'd been trying to call all day and had stopped by earlier but I didn't answer the door. Anyone else would have assumed I did not want company. Her real mission was to tell me that she had bought a corner desk for me at a garage sale. I did not ask her to do this nor does she have the money to spend on such things.

At the time of her arrival, I was about an hour into watching Fantastic Planet. It happened to be on one of the movie channels and a friend had recommended that I watch it just a few nights ago. I wanted to finish watching it. She wanted to talk about my brother. She asked me to turn down the television. I said very calmly, "I'm halfway through this movie. Please let me finish."

This was not a wise thing to say. She immediately snapped at me, ranting that I did not care about my brother, so on and so forth.

"I did not say that I don't care about my brother. You speak to me every day about him, often repeating yourself. All I want to do is finish watching this movie."

She stormed out, crying and slamming the door behind her.

This sums up my relationship with my mother. For days in a row, she'll come over and make me listen to her psychotic stories. More often than not, she'll have bought me something. Since I was a child, she's done that. Buying my time and my affection rather than listening to me. It always ends with me snapping after I've reached my limit on how much repetition I can take. It always ends with her storming out, crying. It always ends with me feeling like shit. And weeks later, the cycle starts again.

I was trying so hard this time around not to piss her off. I was hoping to remain neutral with her until I had moved out. But listening to her stories without being able to say anything about them drives me insane. The minute I open my mouth, she thinks I'm attacking her. That usually ends up making me attack her out of frustration.

I've got one hell of a headache.

You are Wolverine! A loner by nature, you feel uncomfortable when
around those you don't know and even those you
do. You are awkward when it comes to
relationships, but fiercely loyal to those you
love.

Which X-Men character are you most like?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are Emo!

yourself depressed or brooding. You get
attached to people easily and find it hard to
let go. However, you are creative and
articulate and can express your thoughts easily
and clearly. You are empathetic to people in
distress and often find yourself driven to help
them. Try not to focus solely on whats wrong
with the world, and try to notice the positive
aspects, too. Oh, and please put the X-acto
down.

What Kind of Music are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Wow. It's a shame that EMO FUCKING SUCKS. =D

Dream, the third of The Endless, you are in charge
of the Dreaming, all imagination and
creativity, everyone knows your beautiful
realm, but none truly understand it. You are
dark and brooding, creative, and spend a lot of
time by yourself, just thinking. You are almost
as serious as Destiny, but not quite. Everyone
is enchanted by you, but you keep them all at a
distance, even when you shouldn't.

Which Endless are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

work this morning+back hurty+muscle relaxers+leftover pizza=sleep. Two nights in a row, I slept maybe 4 hours and woke up frequently. I'm not particulary sure why, either.

I wish I could produce more red blood cells, godammit. I feel tired all the fucking time. GRawLll. And hurf. I'm beginning to wonder if all my iron has gone into my hair, which is in ultra growy mode. Damn the rust headed weakness! Damn it to hell!

Uh... Sleeeeeeeep.

Have you been with me all this time? In the footfalls of my shadow? Is your place the indigo in a rainbow after rainfall? I look for you everywhere.

Drive boy dog boy
Dirty numb angel boy
In the doorway boy
She was a lipstick boy She was a beautiful boy
And tears boy
And all in your innerspace boy
You had
hands girl boy
and steel boy
You had chemicals boy
I've grown so close to you
Boy and you just groan boy
She said comeover comeover
She smiled at you boy.

Drive boy dog boy
Dirty numb angel boy
In the doorway boy
She was a lipstick boy
She was a beautiful boy
And tears boy
And all in your innerspace boy
You had
hands girl boy
and steel boy
You had chemicals boy
I've grown so close to you
Boy and you just groan boy
She said comeover comeover
She smiled at you boy.
Let your feelings slip boy
But never your mask boy
Random blonde bio high density rhythm
Blonde boy blonde country blonde high density
You are my drug boy
You're real boy
Speak to me and boy dog
Dirty numb cracking boy
You get wet boy
Big big time boy
Acid bear boy
Babes and babes and babes and babes and babes
And remembering nothing boy
You like my tin horn boy and get
Wet like an angel
Derail

You got a velvet mouth
You're so succulent and beautiful
Shimmering and dirty
Wonderful and hot times
On your telephone line
And god and everything
On your telephone
And in walk an angel

And look at me your mom
Squatting pissed in a tube-
hole at Tottenham Court Road
I just come out of the ship
Talking to the most
Blonde I ever met
Shouting
Lager lager lager lager
Shouting
Lager lager lager lager
Shouting...
Lager lager lager
Shouting
Mega mega white thing
Mega mega white thing
Mega mega white thing
Mega mega
Shouting lager lager lager lager
Mega mega white thing
Mega mega white thing
So many things to see and do
In the tube hole true
Blonde going back to Romford
Mega mega mega going back to Romford
Hi mom are you having fun
And now are you on your way
To a new tension
headache

Born Slippy/Underworld

Toxic, isn't it?

currently: with karate I'll kick your ass.

*listening to October Project*

So, we went a few hours with rain, but it has returned. Gentle showers and downpours drift slowly over the Kentucky sky as if they are on a mission to rinse away so much decay from everything underneath. The constant overcast is easy on the eyes, darkening the world just a fraction. Standing with grass between my toes and tilting my head back, I can't help but close my eyes and breathe deeply while the water splashes off my nose. And the sound! The sound of rain pitter-pattering on the ground, the roof, the top of my head puts me in a daze. Even better is that sound accompanied by thunder. The wicked storm last Thursday had me bouncing about the house like a wayward racketball. I felt like a lightning rod.

During storms, I turn my music off (I only do that for storms). I listen to the thunder and melt in my seat or bed, snuggling up in my skin and hoping that the rain never ends.

The rain alone carries a charge that intoxicates me. It's as though it is life itself, and it fills me with warmth and promise.

I would not be long for a world without rain.

*Turns on Delerium, "Flowers Become Screens"*

My mother drives me insaaaaaaaane. Her conspiracy theories are all she can talk about. And she does so for hours. The world is out to get her. Nothing is ever her fault. Everyone wants to hurt her or blame her for something. This is her line of thinking, anyway. Any time I try to sneak a little bit of logic or common sense into a conversation, she gets irrationally defensive. If she really thinks I'm attacking her (which is nine times out of ten), she gets upset and teary... and I want to crawl into a hole and hide for awhile. There's just no point in trying to carry on a conversation with her. It's one-sided. The thing is, she loves to rant to me.... And she'll rant the same thing over and over and over again until my eyes glaze over. The same stories, word for word, over and over.

Sometimes, I snap and tell her she's full of shit and needs help. I'm sick of hearing this crap about my brother being abused by a babysitter's friend, about supposed policemen walking around her neighborhood, about someone spiking her milkshake with drugs, etc. I shit you not. She really believes this woman she was with slipped something in her milkshake a few years ago. She didn't come up with this theory until after she had had to visit the UTC the evening she went out to eat with the woman. She'd had a panic attack or something. I had to pick her up. First, she was convinced she had a stroke. But now she thinks she was drugged. -_- She won't even talk to that woman anymore.

It's no wonder she was committed more than once.

Boy, am I eager to pass on these great genes!