I finally got around to looking at my bank statements from months passed. I've been paying Sega for PSO even when I wasn't playing it.... bitches. I thought I had canceled my HL, too. Fuck. So, I guess I can go play PSO later.

This relatively new twit I work with has been asking me to hang out and call her and shit. I never know what to say to these people... I mean, I'm thinking, "I don't know you. I've got friends outside of work and I don't even see them. You seem like a real loser to me," but I'd never say that. No, I'd rather awkwardly nod my head and walk away quickly.

In other news, Yakumo--the piece of shit I am typing on right now--is being a complete bastard. He won't even run a fucking scan disk without spazzing. If he actually gets through one, I'll defrag. I'm sick of being in the middle of something and IE just up and dies. "Hello, my name is the blue screen of death. I will now shut down Internet Explorer since you're in the middle of a drawing... oh, and it looks like you were almost done, too! BWAHAHAHA." Updating didn't help, either. I'm convinced that Compaq motherboards are retarded. Even my Acer runs better than this POS. Unfortunately, its hard drive is full. (I went on a deleting spree and only managed to salvage a gig... and it wasn't enough to do shit with.)

Ah, the joys of being terminally plugged in.

*listening to Systematic, "Pleasure to Burn"*

RARRRRRRRRR!

I splurged on anime today. What a surprise!

New Full Metal Panic, GTO, and Saiyuki. -__- And I still have Niea_7 to watch and Samurai Deeper Kyo. If anyone wants the first volume of Niea_7, let me know. I now own it twice.

Wouldn't you fucking know it--the box set of Descendents of Darkness is at work when I bought the first two volumes a few weeks ago. Sonofabeech. It's 88 bucks. Saa, I'll have to order the other two, I guess. Fark.

Bananas are good.

Dear reader searching for "erotic spanking stories,"
What the fucking Christ?

Sincerely, Fyx

currently: sleepy

*listening to Delerium, "Love" on repeat--because I'm a masochist*

You know how most people generally catch up on sleep on the weekend? I didn't get to do that. I crashed earlier today and slept for over 4 hours and woke with a headache.

I know I'll always love you, baby

FOOO!

Hey, Toni, if you still wanna do Atkins (you nutjob), I'll do it with you. I went to their webpages and researched it. It sounds somewhat retarded at times, but whatever. And I know there's no way you could do it living where you are unless someone was backing you.

Shit, this means I've gotta eat all those oranges in the kitchen.

Jack Daniels sauce is yummy.

CHU!

If you didn't see the moon tonight, shame on you. It may be just as bright tomorrow, though. Early in the evening, it had this yellow aura that made it look like a glazed stage light. And its soft glow had the trees swooning like melodramatic maidens in the embraces of handsome heroes. Clouds for the last few days have been full and cotton-like. Tonight, they stretched themselves thin and passed slowly and far apart... As if they knew the moon were too beautiful to deny anyone. Later still, the yellow aura fell from the moon and revealed a stark white and brilliant shine which could evoke a sigh from even the most dull of men. Strange, the sky tonight was utterly dark despite the moonlight on the clouds and the moon herself.

Bah... I have to work in a handful of hours. I should be curling up with the Silmarillion and letting the sleepies come tug on my eyelids. But I'm in too dreamy and romantic a mood to not acknowledge optimism and fantasy for a few moments longer. I miss hope. Having something to hope for lifts the spirits. Then again, clinging to hope weighs the spirit down. If you find the happy medium, let me know.

Once I had a love and it was a gas
Soon turned out had a heart of glass
Seemed like the real thing, only to find
Mucho mistrust, love's gone behind

Once I had a love and it was divine
Soon found out I was losing my mind
It seemed like the real thing but I was so blind
Mucho mistrust, love's gone behind

In between
What I find is pleasing and I'm feeling fine
Love is so confusing there's no peace of mind
If I fear I'm losing you it's just no good
You teasing like you do

Once I had a love and it was a gas
Soon turned out had a heart of glass
Seemed like the real thing, only to find
Mucho mistrust, love's gone behind

Lost inside
Adorable illusion and I cannot hide
I'm the one you're using, please don't push me aside
We coulda made it cruising, yeah

Yeah, riding high on love's true bluish light

...

Once I had a love and it was a gas
Soon turned out to be a pain in the ass
Seemed like the real thing only to find
Mucho mistrust, love's gone behind

Blondie--Heart of Glass

I'm going to change my layout again some time soon. I'm sick of staring at Fyx's butt. =P

I actually played PSO today. I couldn't beat the Gal Grifuck on Ultimate mode. =(

I'm off tomorrow. YAY. But I have a meeting Sunday morning. Poop.

I'm thinking about taking my Matrix toys out of their packages. I've had them for about 4 years... the temptation is great. Of course, I have nowhere to put them.

Fooooo... what else can I do tonight? >.> There's always cleaning. Eww.

Grawlll! Hulk smash! (I just got home from the movie.)

For some odd reason, Morg goes apeshit over the lil' plastic bags I get baby carrots in. It's rather funny. She mewls and begs for the bag when I'm eating carrots. She won't touch a carrot itself, though. Strange animal. She's circling around my feet, waiting for me to give her the plastic. Once she gets it, she'll worm around on the floor and rub her face in it like it's catnip. Fortunately, it's too tiny to suffocate her and torn just in case.

Rar... I am tired. Didn't sleep well last night. I can only sleep when I'm exhausted these days... which means I have to stay up all day after work just so I can sleep at night, work the next morning and repeat the same process.

Speaking of work, my annual raise is coming up soon. If it's not a hefty sum, I may have to find another job. They're fucking me over, to put it lightly. The newer people (who are jerkoffs, btw) make as much as I am making now, if not more. And just when work was becoming tolerable... *sigh* It's always something. Four years there, too. Four damn years. -_- Bitches.

Just got back from Pirates of the Caribbean. Mmmm pirates. Arrr. Now I want to draw little pirates going, "Arr, ye scalawags. Shivermetimbers!"

Yeah, I'm a dork. I was actually going to the movies to see The Hulk. But when I got there, I saw that Pirates was playing and wasn't aware that it was out yet. So, yes, it called to me. Orlando and Johnny called to me from their pretty promotional banner. It was good. They were good. I am pleased.

I'll see The Hulk some other day. XP

matinee movie: $4.75
beverage and grub: $6.25
drooling over pretty boys and cinematics: priceless

you are... Roofie Raccoon! You're a nice, honest, plain girl. You've got a
lot to offer, but can't seem to find anyone who
understands your needs. Of course you're not
normal, but who is? Your life is for the most
part in control.

Which Purple Pussy character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Now I'm hooked on this damn comic... >_<

PurplePussy.net

Let me make this simple wish, as we fall asleep. Let me wake with a bullet between the eyes.

Eh, not for any particular reason. Death's not really a present thought. I'd just like some way out of here. Living is fine--despite the constant pain, mistrust, annoyance, bullshit, and so on. Living is just grand. Especially when you've got no reason to other than watching each day roll over and beg for a treat. Those days can be so demanding. It's not a matter of angst or hopelessness, though I'd like to say it is, so I'd have something to blame.

There I go again, being a ray of sunshine.

I'm trying to tackle the idea that working for the rest of my life and striving for something I don't even want is okay. I can only say no to so much. Drugs are pointless. Drinking is pathetic. Materialism only gets me so far. Talking to people alienates me more, oddly enough. All the self-expression in the world provides only a moment of catharsis. And then, it's back to, "Well, I'm full of crap. Why'd I bother, again?"

I have friends, though the list grows thin. When new people try to approach that list, I shoot them down like sparrows. The few friends left... I don't know. In many senses. I don't know who is genuine. I don't know how they think. I can't perceive their ideals or what they find acceptable or not.

Coming unglued is not enjoyable. Given a few years, I may be completely alone. I cannot say if this would be a good thing or bad thing or anything.

Cannot process fast enough. Reality fading....

Jesus Christ on a blueberry waffle, what the fucking fuck is wrong with you people? Not that I'm some prize myself, but SHIT! Treat each other like shit, forget why you're living, prioritize the wrong shit, hold your petty expectations over people, use people, do everything for your own gain, crush every ounce of your humanity as you try to be something you're not, etc. etc. etc.

gracefully, respectfully I ask you, please don't worry, not for me

How much more of this can I take? Can you take? It's easy to be disgusted. It's easy to be used. It's easier to pretend it doesn't bother you. And that's why we'll never change. And one day, when we're all reduced to specks of dirt on the universe's windshield, the god of time and logic will turn on the windshield washer fluid and wipers and be done with us.

currently: Nothing

*listening to Delerium, Chimera*

Hmm... what was I going to write? I've forgotten already.

I still have some cleaning to do. Not to mention, laundry >=O

Dammit.

For several days now, I feel like there's something just out of my reach. A thought keeps escaping me. Some major revelation just beyond my comprehension.

No release. Just slide back down to the ground.

Saw 28 Days Later earlier this evening. =D It was cool! MURR!

*listening to Delerium, Chimera*

Toni and four of her acquaintances (two of them--somewhat estranged to her) and I went to see the movie. She and I scurried back and forth between her place, Perkins, and my place. Tried to get ahold of fluffy puppy, but he wasn't answering his phone. Left voicemail. Eejit didn't check it, apparently. A pox on all your kind! Ha, I kid.

May go to Florida in September with Toni and her mom. Who knows?

Now if I could just win the Powerball....

I watched a neat movie yesterday called Cherish. I've been exceedingly lazy, but I guess that's understandable since I've been running around like a chicken with its head cut off the last two weeks. So, yeah, I plopped in front of the TV for a while. -_-

CHA CHA CHA. Ample mammary display. Eeh...?

Ugh. Weather so hot and icky and miserable. Mentioned this earlier with Toni--am becoming more light sensitive. It's annoying as fuck. I can tolerate sunlight for short periods of time, but it strains my eyes to death and makes my skin scream in pain. When I save up some cash, I'm going to have my eyes checked and get a new prescription and some sunglasses. Might try to get contacts, which means I'll have to go somewhere else than I have been because the current place has refused to give me contacts. Astigmatism is not a problem anymore! FUCK YOUR SHOES. If I got contacts, then I could just get some nice polarized sunglasses. Yeah. Mmm, monkeys.

Tomorrow is Daddy's birfday. =O Yankee Doodle Dandy, my ass.

Just when my general misanthropy was starting to die down a little, I discover this. How? you might wonder. Well, I was looking at the referrals to my diary, and one came from this page. Someone was searching for "whats wrong with this doorway." For some reason, I was at the top of the list. Brutallyraped was number ten. The link listed on the search page was to a story about a man raping a mother and daughter. Charming.

And people wonder why I want to be a hermit.

So pretty, so tender on the ear. Like listening to thousands of roses bloom and drink in the sun for the first time. Why can't I smile? Oh, that's right....

Did you think that it would be easier if you disappeared? It's an open wound, my friend. Your absence is lemon juice; your silence is salt.

How Would YOU Take Over the World?

Well, now that we've got that cleared up: I am tired. I don't know if it's from working my ass off or that I'm just worn out in general or that I didn't sleep for shit last night. Whatever the cause, FEEL MY HEAD PULSATIONS.

And here's my wisdom for the day: Never sleep in your bathing suit.

nothing! congratulations! your rectum is as
sanitary as danny tanner's kitchen.

what crawled up your ass and died?
brought to you by Quizilla

That picture scares me.

I am a sniper/professional killer.

Which cat that thinks it's human are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

What Finding Nemo Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Happy Deathday!
Your name:	fyxation
You will die on:	Tuesday, July 11, 2028
You will die of:	Drive-By Shooting
Username:
Created by Quill

Whoa, lame!

You are Wumpscut. With songs like
"Christfuck" and "Golgotha"
it's no wonder you're so popular in dance
clubs. You make awesome electronic beats and
sound effects. Only true Industrial fans (non-
Mansonites) will respect your music but that's
only because many are not worthy of you.

What industrial band are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Murr?

I Am

Which tarot card are you?

I think I've taken this one before, but I can't remember what I got.

I'm sitting on the floor, in the corner, on a towel, with my computer wires strewn around my feet, and by the nearly finished wall. Yes, holy shit, the walls are almost done. All they require are a few touch-ups. And tomorrow, I will do the rest of the trim, windows, and closet door. Not to mention the small space of ceiling surrounding the light. Jesus in a piece of toast, will I be glad when this is over!

I'll be sleeping on the couch tonight. >__<

I think I have lost my sense of smell from inhaling so much paint fume over the course of a week. Did that make sense? Ah, well, I need sleep, ya know?

The horror!

Standing in the doorway
Of my life in this house
Trying to find a way to get out
Looking for a sign
That I should open the door
This craziness is getting me down

But today is the day
We break free

Walking down the stairway
To the traffic below
Anything could happen
I know
But I'm sick of everybody
Telling me what to do
I hear you
Hey but I already know

And today is the day
We break free

It's clear in my mind
After all of this time
What I feel, my love

There are so many times
That the sun doesn't shine
But I'm here, my love

And today is the day

Maybe I should wait
Just a minute or two
It's getting cold now
I feel so insecure

The future is a mistress
That is so hard to please
And the past
Is a pebble in my shoe

Poe, "Today"

Another break from painting.

It's just one of those lazy days. Walking around without a bra and dressed in rags. Wearing socks that don't match and pausing to dismiss the evil spirits that cling to the corners of the room. A few copper strands of hair dipped in "mystic seaport" green, the color of the ceiling. Cigarette ribbons twirling a halo above my head. And let's not forget the plastic covering everything. Books and papers and wine glasses full of sea salt. A busted fan whirring at my left. A stack of cds and a cool glass of water on my right.

Candlesticks, antique bottles, glue, more cds, a chunk of amethyst, a fishbowl full of floppies, a box of half-eaten pocky, a power strip with every plug filled, a rolled up poster of Rogue, two Powerpuff Girl watches with dead batteries, feathers from a dreamcatcher, a little book on the zodiacs which I used to read to someone. Countless other things all staring at me. Some are full of memories. Some of those, I'd like to forget. Each thing... just a physical thing.

*Tori Amos' cover of "Landslide"*

I'm sitting still.

currently:

*listening to Haujobb, "Transformation"*

I've been thinking some crappy thoughts lately. Unless I'm exhausted, I lie in bed thinking for hours. It feels like something's missing; it feels like there should be something there to occupy that duration of time in which I'm thinking.

I need to buy new drapes and a light fixture.

Everything is so cluttered right now that it's killing my chi >_< I've got to get out of this room.

Watching paint dry. Exciting. Still not done, but I'm making progress. I can move furniture to the side of the room that's completely done. Yay. I just have a wall and a half, half the ceiling, and a little trim left.

I'm off tomorrow and Sunday!!!! Blee.

I'm boring; I'll go away now.

currently: Ovaries for sale.

*listening to Malice Mizer, "Color Me Blood Red"*

Winamp, what a terrible choice! DIE.

I'm taking a break from painting right now. If I'm going to make any serious progress today (there's no fucking way I'll finish because doing the ceiling is a literal pain in the neck), I'll have to do several annoying things: 1)remove the drapes on the window facing the backyard, which we be just as much a bitch to take down as the drapes I took down on the other window... fucking screws; 2)move my desk and two hutches and book cases to the middle of the room and cover them in plastic; which means unhooking all my cords and cable; and 3) get at least coat of paint on the bottom trim on the unpainted half of the room. The trim and doors have to have 2-3 coats because they're wood. -_-

Well, this is taking longer than I wanted it to, but it's not as though I don't have all the time in the world. Moving shit back and forth is just bothersome. Not to mention, washing the brushes and rollers.

I have too much shit.

And tape tape tape tape tape tape ARGHHHHHHHH.

I went to bed at 8:30 last night and crawled out of bed around 9:30 this morning to take a shower. Dreaming my life away. ^_^

Indigo eyes... indigo eyyyyyyeeees