Dear Carey, I was unable to sign your guestbook, so I hope you get to read this at some point. Firstly, let me get this out of the way: O_O

Poor dear! Take care of those digits. I know I do not talk to you much, but I keep up with your diary n' stuff... so, anyway, I hope your hand recovers quickly. I'll be thinking about you. Mwah.

*le sigh* The motherboard on Yakumo (the devil computer) may or may not be dead. I am not convinced... the tech at work was fucking useless. He turned it on, opened the case, then all-to-brilliantly said "it must be the motherboard" after I told him that I had taken out the RAM to see if Yakumo would beep at me and it did not.

Right... well, you're a fucking genius.

At any rate, I ordered a new computer today. 512 MB DDR (no, not dance dance revolution, just enough memory to tell msxp to fuck itself), standard video card (as I can rip out the card I put in Yakumo and place it in the new one), 120 gb Hard Drive (that's ten times what I have now), Athlon XP (operating at 1.67 GHz). I spent a little more on the memory and hard drive, but I cut corners everywhere else since I already have some things or don't need some things.

Now, if I can live without a computer on the internet for 2 weeks, I'll be fine. The ordered one should arrive around September 3rd. I need to get some software from my cable company since they never gave me any.

I'm getting a computer! I'm getting a computer! *dansu dansu*

When if finally gets here, I'll have to take Yakumo's hard drive out and put it in the new one, so I can get the files moved over. Doesn't that sound like fun? Brand new compy and I'll have to open it already.

So now begins my sabbatical from the world wide internet. (Webtv doesn't count, believe me). I can still play PSO... but there's no one to play with. I can mess around on Pai (the faithful yet small computer that has never failed me) but only to play Sims or solitaire.

I think I'll start replaying FF9 since I have some time on my hands now. I spent so much time on the internet.... reading, playing games, chatting here and there. Yesterday dragged by like a snail on hot pavement.

I began reading a LHK book that's been on my shelf for a couple of years. It's the first one about the Sidhe. I'm only a few chapters into it and terribly annoyed/disappointed. Perhaps I am too spoiled to read LHK-like writing anymore, or perhaps she's just gone downhill. Probably both. This first person tripe must stop. STOP, I say.

People, my people, I want guestbook signings or yahoo mail. I am bored here.

OMG THE PAIN. WebTV blows. BLOWS. Rar... I hate not being plugged in. =( I feel so very disconnected. *weep* AGONY. /end sarcasm

For real, dawg, I am a little bit hungry for some real computer time. I never thought there'd be a day that I missed AIM, but I seriously do. Well, not AIM (it sucks balls through a garden hose) but being able to see who's online and available for brainpicking. Mmm brains. And I miss the instant gratification of, say, a google search. Unf.

Most of all, I guess it's he communication I miss. I'm not much for phones anymore. Or letters. (I tend to ramble if I write letters)

Feh. I work in the morning, so I'll drag my POS comp with me. Hurrah. Let us cross our fingers in hopes that the hard drive is not fucked up beyond repair.

I've got the money to spend on a comp (though I hang onto my money like a cat on a mouse), but I was trying to save it for other things. Orthodonist bills and that sort of thing. School =(

Moo. I am materialistically unhappy.

>_< Now I can't even get my computer to boot up. I'm going to take it to work on Monday and have it diagnosed. I'm 90% sure it has something to do with the memory, as that's what most of the error messages were about before it crashed completely. Fucking hell.

If I can salvage it enough to get my files off of it, I'll burn all that crap onto cdr's and save up some money for a new computer. One that doesn't have a Comcrap motherboard. >_< One that has a nice. fast processor and, oh, say... 100 gigs or so of space. Mmm yep.

I just can't take it anymore. I've put so much time into the crap computer--the ethernet card, video card, sound card, hard drive, cd burner--that I hate to give up on it, but FUCK THIS BULLSHEET. Gimme something that will at least let me play Sims Unleashed (which I bought when it came out but have been unable to enjoy because demon comp is slow as snot on a cold day). Bad image.

At any rate, I'm having a fit of internet withdrawl, for webtv is a poor alternative to Cable. ._. And work was hell. And my head hurts.

Blah. Sucky.

Computer being dirty whore again. Must resist urge to rip its motherboard out and pee on it... must....

Shark Week rules. Zzzz eh? Oh, yeah, it does. I'm just really friggin' tired. I'm barely awake right now. After an early (they're almost always early) shift at work, I went to my mother's house and took apart the massive desk she got for me. I then hauled it piece by piece to my car and her car, and we brought it to my house. After putting it back together, I curled up on the couch and watched sharky stuff for a while... and here I am. Exciting stuff.

I got my annual raise at work. It was meager, and I was discouraged once again by this crap hole I call my job. But I was assured that I was going to get more soon. -_- I am hopeful but not too hopeful. Hope does nothing but wear me out. Maybe that's another reason why I sleep so much. Am I holding a candles for things that are too far away to even see the light? Am I getting burned by the scalding wax? I'm too fucking out of it to wax poetic. And poetry these days is reduced to horrible emo songs that make me want to scoop out my own innards with a penny knife.

I was told that another area at work wants to snatch me away from my current spot... which wouldn't be at all bad if I can get the hours I'd like.

Must register for classes soon. Ugh. Feel the joy oozing from my nasal cavities.

Lately, I've been wanting a new toy. Maybe a home theater system or a new computer. Surround sound, ooh la la.

Wait... something's not right here. OH GOD, I can see my carpet. When did that happen?

There's little to do now but slink into the shower and soak up the moisture. Murr... sleep shower sleep shower... mmm water.

I want a swimming pool.

currently:

*listening to VNV Nation, Empires*

Man, I wish I could be an overly-medicated smiley person with rainbows shooting out of my ass. That'd be the greatest. The beeknees.

I think, somewhere back in the past, I always thought that my brain chemicals would work themselves out when adolescence was over. Oh, well. WUTEVA.

A few years ago, I was popping sleeping pills and whatever sleep aid I could find to fight insomnia. Insomnia brought on by thinking too much. My mind would run circles around every single thing from work to people to school to life in general. And it couldn't be stopped. I'd go with 2-3 hours of sleep a night or none at all. Now I sleep more than is necessary. I sleep because I don't want to get out of bed. I sleep because I have nothing better to do. I sleep because I don't want to think. I sleep to forget. I even go out of my way to forget the dreams I had while sleeping. Sometimes I'll wake up sore from sleeping too much. I'll be five minutes late to work because five minutes more of sleep means more to me than my job.

Yeah... that's pretty bad.

I've let so much go to shit. Too lazy to fix it.

Underneath it all, I'm still who I once was. Maybe a little more pessimistic than before (if that's possible), but I'm still me.

Bleh... my wit's dried up.

*listening to Apop and VNV Nation*

BLAH. What a horrible mood I am in. I would like to crawl under a rock. The stress, the repressed anger and hurt, the dissatisfaction with everything in my life is catching up to me. Open the floodgates! Come forth, ye minions of poo!

I was looking at this figure my mom gave me of Charlie Brown hugging Snoopy with the words "Happiness is only a hug away" written on the bottom and almost broke down. Corpus Christi... there's something very wrong here.

Emotional rollercoasters with so many loops you can't help but vomit somewhere along the way are not fun. I could blame the hormones for the moodswings, but I know they're only intensifying something that's already here. Someone send me a lifeboat. >_<

Can't... write about it anymore. Broken record and all that jazz.

*listening to October Project, Falling Farther In*

Work was gawdawful. >_< The veins on the side of my forehead are still twitching from the constant irritation of hundreds of people pulling me in a hundred directions.

I'm going to sleep away my damn day off, I know it.

I am helpless to change
I am hopelessly lost....

I am Jack's wasted life.

I am Jack's...? (pertaining to Fight Club)
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currently: oon

Pardon that trail of misanthropy =D

Justin said, "Hmm. A wellspring of optimism."

XD

I am cranky right now. GRAWR cranky. Not moody or biting people on the ass but looking like this >=/

Hey, wait, that's my regular expression. I can't wait to see how my wrinkles come out in ten years or so. I'm positive I'll have a crack in the middle of my forehead. Not that I care. I could hide change in it.

ACHY PAIN OF DESPAIR... arghhhh.... flehhh.

Right. So, getting more hours at work than I would like (not that I don't need the money for, say, textbooks) is bringing me down. Each night passes so quickly! Go to bed, wake up, and go to work again. >_<

I still get asked what I'm going to do, what are my plans. I still have no answer. I'm not particularly good at any one thing. I'm not good at much of anything but staring off into space.

I have really short pinkies.

They say that time will heal, the truth will set us free. Well, that depends on what it is you choose to believe

=( Some days, I don't know what to do at all. If I do get an Associates of Arts, what good will it do? What will I aim it toward? Is there anything in this fucking world worth doing?! Well, certainly there's something better than working in retail until you choke a customer, but I don't know what I want to do. And I don't want to get stuck in some career I hate.

People who get the award for "most potential" are people that haven't accomplished anything yet or could accomplish something if they had any desire to. I got that award in middle school. It's the "we ran out of good awards to give and started making awards up" award. Bahh.

Excuse me for wanting more than a job, a house, and kids. Excuse me for thinking that those things do not equal happiness. Excuse me for not giving a shit about world peace or pollution. I see beyond those things. I try to see the greater truth rather than the wishy-washy bullshit. I question everything I'm told or read. I never listen to my parents' opinions. I make choices based on what I have learned. Even then, I'm not very trusting of myself.

We each have an ultimate truth to uncover. I think I've discovered mine; I'm just not sure if I believe it.

And there are some things I just don't give a rat's ass about. I don't care about a person's sexuality, a person's religion, a person's ethnicity. Why care? It's not my life. Understanding those things is great, as it widens your perceptions. But taking an active interest... what the hell for?

The only thing in the world that pisses me off is blatant stupidity. Namely, the kind that saturates people to the point of being evil. Uneducated, narrow-minded folks only make me hold tighter to the belief that there is more to living than this social crap.

Yes, we're all human. That doesn't mean we have to get along and hold hands and strive for a better tomorrow. Aren't any of you even a little bit concerned for today? Utopia cannot exist. If Utopia--the perfect world in which all of our desires are met--were ever achieved, the planet would not survive. I don't think we were ever designed to reach that. That's not written in our DNA somewhere. Survival is our only destination. The rest, we made up to give us meaning and purpose.

Alright, so I'm babbling. It wouldn't be the first time.

Do not misguide your children.

currently: so much to do, so little time

*listening to Lords of Acid, "Rough Sex"*

I was very bad and slept 16 hours. >_< I had a lot of bizarre dreams, but I cannot recall that much of them. I do remember a bunch of Hildators in one.

Travis was on AIM for a few minutes earlier in the evening. I couldn't think of anything to say that wouldn't have sounded childish or bitter, so I remained neutral. I be the mistress of repression!

Sadly, I have nothing interesting to write about. My day off was blessedly dull. I cleaned, did a few loads of laundry, and other meanial shit. FUN TIMES.

If you think this diary is sparse in the interesting department, you should see my paper one. I've been writing very infrequently in it because I don't want to sit there and think all this depressing shit that wants to get written down =D

And so, I leave you, my little fuckbubbles.