I've had a lot of haunting dreams of late. The bitter kind that fill you with longing when you wake up... and the sickly sweet kind that make you rise with a smile.

I don't know what I want anymore. Of course, everyone wants to be happy. More than that, though? I don't know. When you're filled with doubt and question the very ground you walk on, you learn not to hold onto things because you know you're going to fall eventually.

The last week or so, I've been aching for the human touch. I got to thinking (for some reason or other), no one touches me. No one holds me and tells me I'm loved, needed. Then, I curse myself because I chose this. Changing your mind is a trait of being alive, I know. I guess I'm stubborn. Repression will arrive soon, so I'm not terribly concerned with these thoughts.

I woke up at 4pm (well, that's when I crawled out of bed) and haven't slept since. And I unloaded 100 bucks on anime and CD's today. ._. Hurray.

Hmm... I forgot what I was going to write. Hate it when that happens.

Wahhhh....

Happy New Year.

I went to bed around 5pm yesterday. Woke up several times in the night... only to curl up in a ball and fall back to sleep. I finally woke up around 3am. Stayed in bed 'til 4, then got up and showered. I could tell it was going to be a good day when my first thought this morning was, "My entire existence is pointless."

So, I went to work, feeling liked I'd been kicked in the stomach. I came home just a few minutes ago. I'm not sure what's wrong with me. Maybe it's the cold or the general pleasantness of winter. Maybe it's that my back and knee are killing me. I wish I had something to blame, then it would be easier to explain.

All morning long, I've expected some Donnie Darko-esque moment in which the fabric of space ripples and something extraordinary happens. It won't happen. Or it has, and I missed it.

Do you know what it is like to be so completely used up that nothing remains of you but a husk, a shell, that will crumble if touched?