Mmmm I am in the mood for something right now which I can't quite put my finger on. I want attention but only in that way your cat might want attention when you've just gotten home from work. Meow.

Heh... I could almost fall asleep even though I had plenty of sleep last night. Just in a warm and lazy daze, I guess.

I've been working on this drawing here, and I can't quite get it to look okay. Maybe it's the subject matter. Maybe I need to be hit with a frying pan. :p

I honestly don't know what to do right now, and nothing is peaking my interest. Murrrrr

*listening to Fleetwood Mac's "Sweet Little Lies"*

Once again, it's raining ice. Well, slush, anyway. And it's freezing cold. Okay, not freezing since it's slushing and not snowing... but still. It's fucking cold.

In the pursuit of getting what I want (which is only one thing, really), I am beginning to see that things have got to get very drastic. Wow, my vocabulary is exceptional today. Video games have fried my brain. Where was I? Oh, yes, drastic. For the first time in my life, I know that I have strength and I will get what I want. Without question. I can't kid myself into believing it'll be smooth sailing, but if I dig my nails deep enough into an idea... I can make it work.

The trick is time. I have all the time in the world, but my time compared to others is skewed. When I say wait for me, you could be waiting months... but to me, it's a blink. I hope that's not a problem. >.>

Well, I've never been optimistic, so this is all new to me. Hurray. Now if I can only keep this mood for a little while....

When male coworkers whom I don't particularly like but get along with okay ask, "Wanna hang out sometime?" what's the best way to shoot them down? :D

Seriously, dawg, homeskillet, G... why me?

Hmm.... I'll never understand it.

I've got October Project's "Always" curling around every inch of my brain. I know I told you I'd go to sleep, and I will... but I can't just yet. I'm too hyper. My mind's going faster than the rest of me. I don't even have my glasses on, so the screen's a bit of a blur right now... but that doesn't matter. 'Cause love does that to you. It makes all the other crap not matter in the least. And why should it?

It's hard to sleep when you're grinning ear to ear. Um. Why do you make me so happy? XD *dies*

Of course, the peanut butter M&M's might have something to do with me being awake, too... but let's not blame the candy. Candy is innocent. You are to blame. You're the one that gives me a sugar rush. Uwaaaaa.... too many elipses. Meow.

currently: O_o

The world is cruel and unusual. Don't try to understand it, just nod your head and smile. Or do what I do, and dismiss it with an idle flick of the wrist.

I drank too much Sprite remix. blurfffy.

Anyway... Here's this to make you go "awwwww":

:3

Ooog... ate too much Chinese food.

Went to see Big Fish with Toni. Good movie but not what I expected. After the movie, I discovered why I've been in such a violent mood lately. :D My insides are bleeding out :D HURRAY FOR MENSES!

._.

Oh, well, it's not like I had anything planned this week.

OH OH!! Wolfy, Toni's mom thinks I have a crush on you. She wouldn't believe me when I said it wasn't true, either, which is disconcerting. Not that you're not a wonderful... er... man and all.

Eh, she can think what she wants. ^_^ I didn't feel like explaining to her my relationship with someone else right now. I don't talk to anyone about that :D It keeps me on the border of sane.

HAHAHAH... eww... that's almost incestuous.

I feel like playing loud remixes and raising people from the dead. Tootles!

*today's soundtrack: VNV Nation, Empires*

Mmm, I think it should be noted that I am completely alone for 7 days straight starting today. It should also be noted that I only have 15 hours at work next week, and I am completely elated.

Booya.

Aside from panicking at every strange sound, I'm quite happy to be alone. My father is pretty much my roommate... or I his cling-on. Either way, I pay bills here because it's cheaper than getting an apartment. And I really wouldn't mind it so much--living with my dad, I mean--if he didn't insist on doing daddy things even though I'm *shudder* almost 25. I've always been an independent creature, so when he thinks he's waking me up in the morning (either by yelling through my door or making some racket in the hallway--completely coincidental with the time I should be up for work, he's assured me), I get a little bit pissed off. I know how to set an alarm clock, Daddy dear.

Enough about that. I'm just glad to get the house to myself. I can clean and nest and stuff. In fact, I already started before work today. Three bags of trash in a matter of 45 minutes. Impressive.

So, yeah... work. Several (by several I mean at least five or more) people asked me if I were "okay." One person even stated that I looked like I was in pain. Um. I'm fine, thanks for your obligatory coworker concern. I have to admit, I'm baffled. I don't know what they're talking about. I'm sure I was wearing my regular grim expression, same as always.

My back is still causing me annoyance. If I sleep more than seven hours, it feels like it's about to snap in half right above the hips. >_<

I'm off tomorrow, Sunday, and Monday. Joy abounds!

Everything's been up and down the last day or two, so I won't try to write about it. Hurray for utter confusion.

Let the dorkdom ensue!
I created a Taru Taru on FFXI. She's adorable-worable. :3 I intended to use her as a pack mule since my other character is nigh broke from buying spells (but I can raise now, dammit!)... yet I have a feeling I'll end up playing with her. She will be a badass little blackmage one day. If you stood her next to my other character, she'd barely be as tall as Fyx's kneecaps.

Wanna read something remotely funny but sad for me? Fyxation is a level 30 warrior, level 25 white mage, and level 13 Paladin (not to mention the other random jobs I've played with, such as monk and thief). Well, yesterday, I was trying to make some money and finish a couple quests as the warrior. I died. Sadly, dropped to level 29 and was no longer able to equip about 60% of my armor because it was level 30 stuff. I think, "Okay, no big deal, I only need 200 points to get back to 30, then all will be well. So, I'm fighting naked... And die again. So, now the warrior is 600 points from 30, can't equip armor, and very pissed off.

It's part of the reason I made the Taru. I needed to get away from Fyx for a while. The Taru's name is Merenwen (my name in the elvish translator thing long long ago I posted here). I'll put a picture of her up eventually, but I warn you: you might get a cavity just looking at it.

Work today was utter hell. I would like to punch my head manager in the face. :D One of the inventory people asked me to get some .com order items, but I was the only person in my department at the time--and of course, we were busy. So, I see the manager and show him the order (6 items all in the same location, mind you). He laughs, hands me back the paper, and says, "Yeah right."

...

Well, fuck you, too. I don't know if the dumb shit thinks he's too good to find 6 items for a customer or if he's just an asshole or both. Later, he told me to push this huge frickin' display to the warehouse. Nevermind I wasn't the person that left it on the floor. Nevermind I'm doing customer service at the moment. Nevermind he could have done it himself. So, by the end of my shift, I was ready to rip out someone's eyeballs and not just because I'd warn different shoes and now have blisters under my toes. ;_; ow.

And how are you?

On the up side, the Cure's Join the Dots box set came out today, which I bought because I am a consumer whore.

A lot of people lately have been writing about duality, how they are two people at once. I think it would be wrong to imagine that we all have two personalities... Rather, we all have many facets that make up a whole. Some facets shine through more than others. Some are hardly seen at all. But they all make up one person. Perhaps they shouldn't be treated as separate entities.

I know I have plently of days in which I want to crawl around on my hands and knees and bite people on the ankle. Instead, I walk upright, grudgingly grinding my teeth. I have days in which I can't stop smiling because I keep thinking about happy things or times or whatever. I also have days that start badly for one reason or other and let it be a self-prophecy... the rest of the day will be bad.

But most of the time, I'm dancing on the edge of a razor blade. I can be perfectly content and lazy and giddy and then suddenly fiercely hateful, spiteful, and lost for words. The worst is when you're stuck between both. Too lazy to change your mood.

I have a strange way of being mad. I never tell anyone :D

*listening to Depeche Mode, Ultra*

Today, I'm full of honey and echoes. And wonder. Ever shake so hard that you think your skin's going to slip right off you? I had my hands in my hair, gripping my head as I fantasized of the day I capture you in my arms and refuse to let you go. Maybe there are tigers and sharks circling, but I'm oblivious.

Love needs it's martyrs
needs it's sacrifices

Some day, I agreed. Some day I'll say yes. 'Cause without you, what's the point of love at all?

On a side note, I need a new layout. Hmmm.

To write that I have been manic the last few weeks would be a severe understatement. It's not a day to day thing; it's minute to minute.

Es geht kein...

The other night, I had one of my tooth-falling-out dreams. They're typical dreams. A lot of people have them. It's all about anxiety. Anyway, this one was different in that I'd lost all my teeth but a few in the back of my mouth. Try to imagine the horror of feeling gaping holes in your mouth with the tip of your tongue. Pleasant, no?

Here's my confession: I fucking hate myself for various reasons--none of which are worth explaining because they don't make sense to sensible people. Chew on that for a while.

You can spit it out now.

A lot of people worry about the future. Will I find a good job? Will I have children? Will politics ever not make me vomit? The list goes on.

Well, as for the job... wish me luck, because I'm not much good at anything but staring blankly into nothing and seeing little white specks dance on my corneas. I don't think there's a big demand for that in the workforce.

As for kids, I decided a long time ago that I don't want any and that hasn't changed. You know those people you see on the street with children, and you think to yourself, "That fucker shouldn't have kids?" That would be me if I had kids. I know that if I did have kids, I'd probably regret it and regret being such a shitty parent. My first words to my first born, "Welcome to a miserable place with pretty skies but terrible company. Please don't hate me."

I think I'll have another cigarette.

If that's not enough, having kids means being pregnant and frequenting hospitals. Hospitals+Fyx=someone's gonna get a boot in the face, and it's not gonna be me. Kthx. So, if you want kids, don't look at me. :D

All the other stuff, politics and such, fuck 'em.

What was I writing about?

I did a bit of cleaning today. By bit, I mean that I took out the trash, did some dishes, vacuumed, changed the rat cage, changed the cat litter, wiped down the bathroom sink..... Okay, maybe bit is not the right word.

Or is it? I don't feel as though I accomplished much. The house still looks like a tornado came through, dropping dishes everywhere as it went. Indeed, the sink is still broken/clogged/dead to the world. This makes using the dishwasher a great joy since water backs up into the sink and you have to carry buckets of water to the bathroom every five minutes. I washed some dishes by hand. Fuck it. I still smell remotely lemony fresh. The bathroom smells like bleach.

Everything around me has dulled down to a low hum. Maybe it's because I've been playing a certain game too much and have done little else in my spare time. Well, I have been reading Terry Pratchett's Mort a little bit each night for the past few days. But aside from that, I don't feel as if I've done anything.

I'm beginning to feel that Piscean urge to rearrange the furniture. It's a terrible plight which makes us go on a cleaning rampage and move heavy objects at 2am. No one has yet to find a cure, though I suspect a good sexual escapade might distract us from it.

I need to have that film from Florida developed. Dammit. However, I dread eyeing pictures of myself gorging on the ocean's hypnotic tide. Saa, I love the water so.

So, I took this list off of HughinMunin's Diary (too lazy to link, sue me), and I'm going to bold face the movies I've seen.

1 Godfather, The (1972) (though it's been so long, I need to see it again)
2 Shawshank Redemption, The (1994)
3 Godfather: Part II, The (1974) (see #1)
4 Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, The (2003)
5 Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, The (2002)
6 Schindler's List (1993)
7 Casablanca (1942)
8 Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, The (2001)
9 Shichinin no samurai (1954)
10 Star Wars (1977)
11 Citizen Kane (1941) (I refuse)
12 One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (1975)
13 Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964) (I probably have seen this, I just don't remember it)
14 Rear Window (1954)
15 Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
16 Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
17 Memento (2000)
18 Usual Suspects, The (1995)
19 Pulp Fiction (1994)
20 North by Northwest (1959)
21 Fabuleux destin d'Am�lie Poulain, Le (2001) (I <3 this movie)
22 Psycho (1960)
23 12 Angry Men (1957)
24 Lawrence of Arabia (1962)
25 Buono, il brutto, il cattivo, Il (1966)
26 Silence of the Lambs, The (1991)
27 It's a Wonderful Life (1946)
28 Goodfellas (1990)
29 American Beauty (1999)
30 Vertigo (1958)
31 Sunset Blvd. (1950)
32 Matrix, The (1999)
33 Apocalypse Now (1979)
34 Pianist, The (2002) (I'm going to watch this... maybe tomorrow)
35 To Kill a Mockingbird (1962)
36 Some Like It Hot (1959)
37 Taxi Driver (1976)
38 C'era una volta il West (1968)
39 Third Man, The (1949)
40 Paths of Glory (1957)
41 Fight Club (1999)
42 Sen to Chihiro no kamikakushi (2001)
43 Boot, Das (1981)
44 Double Indemnity (1944)
45 L.A. Confidential (1997)
46 Chinatown (1974)
47 Singin' in the Rain (1952)
48 Requiem for a Dream (2000)
49 Maltese Falcon, The (1941)
50 M (1931)
51 All About Eve (1950)
52 Bridge on the River Kwai, The (1957)
53 Se7en (1995)
54 Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)
55 Saving Private Ryan (1998)
56 Raging Bull (1980)
57 Cidade de Deus (2002)
58 Rash�mon (1950)
59 Wizard of Oz, The (1939)
60 Sting, The (1973)
61 Alien (1979)
62 American History X (1998)
63 Mr. Smith Goes to Washington (1939)
64 L�on (1994) (AKA, the Professional--extended)
65 Vita � bella, La (1997) (AKA life is over-rated)
66 Touch of Evil (1958)
67 Manchurian Candidate, The (1962)
68 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)
69 Wo hu cang long (2000)
70 Treasure of the Sierra Madre, The (1948)
71 Great Escape, The (1963)
72 Clockwork Orange, A (1971)
73 Reservoir Dogs (1992)
74 Amadeus (1984)
75 Annie Hall (1977)
76 Jaws (1975)
77 Ran (1985)
78 On the Waterfront (1954)
79 Modern Times (1936)
80 Braveheart (1995)
81 High Noon (1952)
82 Apartment, The (1960)
83 Sixth Sense, The (1999)
84 Fargo (1996)
85 Aliens (1986)
86 Shining, The (1980)
87 Strangers on a Train (1951)
88 Blade Runner (1982)
89 Metropolis (1927)
90 Duck Soup (1933)
91 Finding Nemo (2003)
92 Donnie Darko (2001)
93 General, The (1927)
94 Toy Story 2 (1999)
95 Princess Bride, The (1987)
96 City Lights (1931)
97 Lola rennt (1998)
98 Great Dictator, The (1940)
99 Kill Bill: Vol. 1 (2003)
100 Sjunde inseglet, Det (1957)
101 Notorious (1946)
102 Full Metal Jacket (1987)
103 Nuovo cinema Paradiso (1989)
104 Rebecca (1940)
105 Mononoke-hime (1997)
106 Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969)
107 Big Sleep, The (1946)
108 Graduate, The (1967)
109 Manhattan (1979)
110 Best Years of Our Lives, The (1946)
111 It Happened One Night (1934)
112 Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)
113 Patton (1970)
114 Searchers, The (1956)
115 Deer Hunter, The (1978)
116 Glory (1989)
117 Ladri di biciclette (1948)
118 Philadelphia Story, The (1940)
119 Yojimbo (1961)
120 African Queen, The (1951)
121 Bringing Up Baby (1938)
122 Forrest Gump (1994)
123 Ben-Hur (1959)
124 Cool Hand Luke (1967)
125 Green Mile, The (1999)
126 Shrek (2001)
127 Hable con ella (2002)
128 Once Upon a Time in America (1984)
129 Star Wars: Episode VI - Return of the Jedi (1983)
130 Unforgiven (1992)
131 Stalag 17 (1953)
132 Arsenic and Old Lace (1944)
133 Grapes of Wrath, The (1940)
134 Gone with the Wind (1939) (never seen it all the way through, like most of the oldies on here)
135 Night of the Hunter, The (1955)
136 Wild Bunch, The (1969)
137 Straight Story, The (1999)
138 All Quiet on the Western Front (1930)
139 Christmas Story, A (1983)
140 Elephant Man, The (1980)
141 Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989)
142 Hustler, The (1961)
143 Platoon (1986)
144 Young Frankenstein (1974)
145 Back to the Future (1985)
146 His Girl Friday (1940)
147 Die Hard (1988)
148 Grande illusion, La (1937)
149 Monsters, Inc. (2001)
150 Amores perros (2000)
151 Adventures of Robin Hood, The (1938)
152 Almost Famous (2000)
153 Gold Rush, The (1925)
154 Spartacus (1960)
155 Conversation, The (1974)
156 Charade (1963)
157 Life of Brian (1979)
158 Gladiator (2000)
159 Festen (1998)
160 Man Who Shot Liberty Valance, The (1962)
161 Smultronst�llet (1957)
162 Being John Malkovich (1999)
163 Bronenosets Potyomkin (1925)
164 Magnolia (1999)
165 Sling Blade (1996)
166 Witness for the Prosecution (1957)
167 Toy Story (1995)
168 Insider, The (1999)
169 Roman Holiday (1953)
170 Mulholland Dr. (2001)
171 Night at the Opera, A (1935)
172 Brazil (1985)
173 Streetcar Named Desire, A (1951)
174 Day the Earth Stood Still, The (1951)
175 All the President's Men (1976)
176 Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? (1966)
177 Exorcist, The (1973)
178 Quatre cents coups, Les (1959)
179 To Be or Not to Be (1942)
180 Shadow of a Doubt (1943)
181 Killing, The (1956)
182 Lost in Translation (2003)
183 Mystic River (2003)
184 Ed Wood (1994)
185 Terminator, The (1984) 186 Trois couleurs: Rouge (1994)
187 Adaptation. (2002)
188 Nosferatu, eine Symphonie des Grauens (1922)
189 Stand by Me (1986)
190 Twelve Monkeys (1995)
191 Dog Day Afternoon (1975)
192 Harvey (1950)
193 This Is Spinal Tap (1984)
194 Right Stuff, The (1983)
195 Gandhi (1982)
196 Trainspotting (1996)
197 Network (1976)
198 Midnight Cowboy (1969)
199 Lion in Winter, The (1968)
200 Miller's Crossing (1990)
201 Minority Report (2002)
202 Ying xiong (2002)
203 Bonnie and Clyde (1967)
204 Others, The (2001) (lame)
205 Rain Man (1988)
206 Laura (1944)
207 Groundhog Day (1993)
208 Stagecoach (1939)
209 81⁄2 (1963)
210 Snatch. (2000)
211 King Kong (1933)
212 Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels (1998)
213 39 Steps, The (1935)
214 Traffic (2000)
215 Strada, La (1954)
216 Untouchables, The (1987)
217 Rio Bravo (1959)
218 Hotaru no haka (1988)
219 Henry V (1989)
220 Whale Rider (2002)
221 Big Lebowski, The (1998)
22 Beauty and the Beast (1991)
223 Todo sobre mi madre (1999)
224 Passion de Jeanne d'Arc, La (1928)
225 In the Heat of the Night (1967)
226 Thin Man, The (1934)
227 Die xue shuang xiong (1989)
228 Planet of the Apes (1968)
229 Good Will Hunting (1997)
230 Fantasia (1940)
231 Being There (1979)
232 Red River (1948)
233 Clerks. (1994) (never seen it from start to finish)
234 Beautiful Mind, A (2001)
235 Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003) (yummeh)
236 Bride of Frankenstein (1935)
237 MASH (1970)
238 E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (1982)
239 Road to Perdition (2002)
240 Man Who Would Be King, The (1975)
241 Quiet Man, The (1952)
242 Sleuth (1972)
243 X2 (2003)
244 JFK (1991)
245 Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937)
246 O Brother, Where Art Thou? (2000)
247 Heat (1995)
248 Sweet Hereafter, The (1997)
249 Birds, The (1963)
250 Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977)

I hope I didn't mess up the code, cuz I'm too lazy to fix it right now if I did.

Now off to play with my Paladin.