My stomach began hurting yesterday. I don't know why. Felt like a horse had kicked me. It got progressively worse thought the night. I woke up at 2am (after going to bed at 8pm), and I took a shower then tossed and turned and glared at the clock until 7am. I took tums, milk of magnesia, whatever I could find for stomach ooginess. Oddly, it wasn't intestinal related--I didn't run to the bathroom at any time. I was just in a lot of pain. Was even getting a little feverish this morning.

It's eased up quite a bit, but I still feel kinda... blurggh. I guess the acids in my stomach started attacking me for no apparent reason.

Oh, and I picked up my hard drive today from Fed-Ex. They tried to deliver it yesterday while I was out. I installed it just a couple hours ago. Now, here I am.... reinstalling FFXI. >.>

It was surprisingly easy to install the HD. In fact, it took under five minutes. It was the system recovery/software installation that took a while (but even that was under an hour).

Wow, I'm a nerd.

I'll be incommunicato for a few days cuz my computer's hard drive finally bit the dust. I was wondering when it was going to happen, and wasn't terribly upset when it did. It's just an inconvenience. It'll be 4-5 days, according to HP, before I get the new HD in the mail (at which point I'll zoom it over to work to have it installed). Joy of bloody joys.

I guess it's back to playing FFTA.

*listening to Conjure One*

I think I've lost sight of everything remotely important. Maybe I need to read Tuesdays with Morrie again. I miss the people that matter to me.

And, holy shit, is my place a wreck.

Yeah, I haven't been in the mood to do anything. Not a damn thing. I should get my taxes done before my computer decides to die again. (still haven't called HP for that hard drive) And there's much more that needs to be taken care of... I just don't feel like it.

Strangely, I'm feeling very nurturing right now. I want to wrap the world in my arms and tell her to be quiet. Everything's going to be okay. Maybe I should have been a midwife.

So many voices calling out, "Help me, hold me, make it all better!" But I feel powerless. I can't even help myself, so how can I carry you?

What do you want of me? The worst I can do is say no.

And I see these bonds people have crumble, and I want to cry for them. I am sorry for them when they are nothing but balls of rage or self-pity.

Everything's become foggy.

I wanna go lie in wild grass and find bugs in my hair hours later.

Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says.
"...All that he has in store, and in every age there come forth things that are new and have no foretelling, for they do not proceed from the past..."
What is the last thing you watched on TV?
Holes
WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what the time is.
4:30pm
Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?
4:35 pm
With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
The TV on the far side of the house, my typing, the microwave beeping.
When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
Last night for work.
Before you came to this website, what did you look at?
Harley's diary.
What are you wearing?
I man's white button down shirt that's about 7 years old or more, really ugly pants with writing all over them, underoos.
Did you dream last night?
Yes. I had the teeth-falling-out dream again. It sucked.
When did you last laugh?
At work last night when a coworker said, "I love you, will you be my girlfriend?"
What is on the walls of the room you are in?
Matrix action figures, a huge Tori poster, a Samurai X poster, a couple masks, a LOTR:TTT poster, a Cowboy Bebop scroll. My walls used to be covered with posters, but I never put them back after painting the room.
Seen anything weird lately?
I saw a giant piece of cheese waving people down from a street corner.
What do you think of this quiz?
I think my lunch is ready.
What is the last film you saw?
Hell Boy
If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?
Umm... an underground lair.
Tell us something about you that we don't know.
I tried to kill myself when I was 6?
If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
I'd nuke Antartica to jumpstart the apocalypse :D Or an ice age.
Do you like to dance?
No. Well, in my car...
George Bush: is he a power-crazy nut case or someone who is finally doing something that has needed to be done for years?
Who cares?
Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
I'm not having children, and you can't make me.
Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?
Refer to the above.
Would you ever consider living abroad? I wouldn't mind a little nook in Edinburgh.

I broke down and put the knee brace back on today. :( When I got up this morning, it was hurting so bad that I could hardly stand. So, yeah... work was fun, what with the squating and the kneeling. >_<

You all know I'm not good with discomfort. There's pain pain, and there's annoying pain. I seem to be in a mix of both right now. Grrr.

My neck is still fucked up. :D

Hmm... It's a beatiful day. It's warm and windy. Just perfect.

So, why does it feel like a storm is brewing?

Money. What is it about money and and acts of good faith and I that don't mix? Perhaps I just make stupid choices when it comes to doing people favors.

Several years ago, when PS2 came out and there was a shortage of memory cards, I bought a "friend" a memory card and sent it to him. He never paid me back. In fact, I don't think he ever planned on it. I think I'll do my best to bug the shit out of him now.

A couple years ago, I lent someone the Serial Experiment Lain DVD set. He's yet to return them. That's a $100 dollars worth of DVD's.... I think I'll hunt him down.

Several months back, I bought Rurisho FFXI and mailed it to England so that he might play with me. Well, he got the game, played with me for about a day or two, then switched servers. He never paid me back. :( I just have shitty luck, I suppose. Or maybe I am easily forgotten or not worth paying back. I'm an easy person to take advantage of.

It's not as though I'm made of money. In fact, I'm pretty damn close to white trash. True, I am a penny pincher, but I'm still living at home. Paying bills here is cheaper than paying bills on my own.

With the possibility of not having a job on the horizon, I'm getting more and more greedy with my money. I live within my means, anyhow. Tch. I didn't get many hours this week at work. No surprise there. But you know what that means? More time for ME. And you know how much I love me.

One of these days, I'm going to come a'knocking at all the doors of every person that's taken advantage of me or used me. Won't be many doors, so I won't have to buy many bullets. Good thing bullets are cheap. And I can't wait to hear the excuses people will come up with when they're on the spot.

I write too fucking much. I should learn when to shut the hell up. But I like bitching :D

So, my neck's been hurting for about 4 days now. Would it sound too hypochondriac to say that I think I have nerve damage or something? I mean, I've always been prone to stiff necks and the like, but this is ridiculous.

When I die and am opened up (I dunno why they'll open me up, but they will--it'll be fun), they're going to discover new diseases they never thought possible. I'm kidding.

Let's see, let's see, what plagues me now?
My neck/shoulder is fucked up. One of my shoulder sockets likes to slip around and dislocate for fun sometimes (this hasn't happened in a while... but I'm sure just mentioning it will bring DOOM). My lower spine is still giving me shit. *interuption from little muscles spasms I've been having in my right bicep since yesterday...* My left knee is a complete piece of shit. It's aching like a bitch right now. And that little cyst thing in my left foot is growing. It's a synovial cyst, which is supposed to be harmless. Boy, that's comforting. It's recently developed a little calcium knot. Or something. I don't know. I'm not good at diagnosing.

All in all, my entire body is pretty much defective. Can I have a new one, or did my warranty expire?

I'm not gonna die of old age. I'm going to die from stupid crap. Hoo. Ray.

I saw Hell Boy today. Eh... save your money. Good characters, good special effects, bad script.

I went to bed last night at 7:30. I'd intended to take a nap and wake up in time to go out with some people from work. >.> I woke up around 3am. Needless to say, I went back to sleep again. It wasn't restful sleep after that. So, here I am at work... trying to find something to do as I have nothing, for once. I should just go home, but I am sure the manager would find something unpleasant for me to do. My least favorite manager, mind you. Hmm... I'm not used to having absolutely nothing to do. And I am only here until 10 today.

Maybe I'll ease my procrastination at home and actually do some stuff. Like my taxes. They've been waiting to be sent for weeks. And laundry... it's clean and waiting to be put away. And my application for school, also waiting to be sent. I don't rightly know why I've put these things off. It seems as though the days are too short. That, and I'm a lazy cow. Moo.

*listening to Rasputina, Frustration Plantation*

Apathy is slowly setting in about the whole work fiasco. I guess that's a good thing; it'll take some stress off my shoulders. I don't like being in a bad mood. I feel like I'm being cross with others, even though I don't say much.

Hmm... What else is there? Sadly, nothing. Abort a white trash fetus today!

Uh....

I need a holiday.

Hmm... I should have gone out to look for a job today. Flirty guy got fired yesterday. This isn't a good sign to me; it means the managers are going to be looking at me next. The trick is to give them every reason not to fire me and then quit. Problematic... They probably will, anyway.

You know, I want to write them a lovely little resignation letter, but I know it would just be thrown in the trash. I'd like to be that disgruntled employee that throws something or cusses out a manager. But I'm too cautious. When my temper goes, I end up crying furiously and fighting back the urge to hit things. I hate that. So, I'll probably be terse and bite back something less than sweet when I leave.

How I hate that place.

Who will you be stuck with at end of time? by chi_a_baidh
Your name is
Your sex is	MaleFemaleUndecided
Your favorite color is	RedOrangeYellowGreenBluePurpleBlackWhiteOther
You are stuck there because	you were dead, but then you weren't.. Look at that...
For _____ years	35
With
He/She will think you are	beautiful
You will	kill yourself
Created with quill18's MemeGen 3.0!

Know anyone that's hiring?

*listening to Coldplay, A Rush of Blood to the Head*

Well, Toni will be glad to know that I just finished watching Firefly, which she lent me. Wow. What a damn good show. Seriously. I watched all 4 DVD's in under 3 days. The writing was excellent, the characters were each interesting in their own right, and the show itself was just smart. I haven't seen such wit in a show in a long time. I am pleasantly surprised.

So... why the fuck is it that as soon as I find something I like, it's already too late? The show was cancelled.... and no one picked it up. Not even Sci-Fi. What the hell were they thinking? I dunno, Toni, you'll have to fill me in on the particulars.

Ya know, it could have been an adult cartoon or a comic book... I'd still be interested. But there's nothing? How disappointing!

On to other matters....

Work grows more and more unpleasant with each passing day, if that's possible. I think I'll go job hunting tomorrow.

I've been extremely tired the last couple days, but I have resisted the urge to nap. It ain't easy. I'm doing the best I can to distract myself from my problems. They're minor problems on the large scale, but that doesn't mean they aren't getting to me. Somewhere along the way, I lost my voice, so I've been screaming inside my head. I'm running out of room in there.

I could probably go to sleep now, easily. Nah... think I'll draw a bit or something.

*&%*&^%*^$*&$^%@*&$%Q*#@&$%*&#%$*&Q%#$

DIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Thank you, please drive thru.

Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, in my life is good right now. I may have the neccessities to at least live and breathe, but those don't matter much when you're pissed off and unhappy.

What would your Anime life be like? by hearthlight
Name:
Gender:
Your looks:	Fangs and feral eyes.
Your best friend:	An ackward schoolboy.
Your powers:	Mind control.
Your beloved:	Mr.Wiggles the sock puppet.
Your occupation:	Comic relief.
Your ending:	The manga was better.
Created with quill18's MemeGen 3.0!

Fuck my job. Fuck it fuck it fuck it.

RARRRRR. I can't get it off my mind; I am so pissed off.

I can't get over how I was treated yesterday. Such bullshit. >:(

Well, the shit's hit the fan at work. I don't wanna write about it, really. I'm fucking sick of hearing about it. I had two managers bug the shit out of me, asking what I thought about it. Their lame attempt at damage control only mattered to piss me off more. I even had my job threatened. Goddammit, I work my ass off at that place, I never have gotten in trouble, and then all the sudden because this shit happens they expect me to slack off, EVEN accuse me of slacking off and all because of shit that doesn't even really effect me? WHAT THE FUCK?

So, after work, we (some coworkers and I) go drinking. I just got home a few minutes ago. I ended up taking flirty guy home. Heh, he paid for my drinks :P We sat in my car for a few hours, bitching about work. It was fun... cathartic.

I'm really annoyed with work. I was planning on sticking around a few weeks to see how things would go, but today just drove it home how much I hate that place. I think it's what the managers want, too. So... I might not be so nice when I give my notice. I might just say, "Fuck you useless pieces of shit," and walk out.

Blah.

Toni and I saw Dawn of the Dead last night. Good movie. Very bloody :3

>_< I'm at work right now, so I'll make this short. I need rest. Not a nap here and there or some feeble attempt at sleep every night. Real rest! Like, "I love you, too... zzzz," kinda rest.

....

Bleh.

... There's a meeting at work this Saturday. From all the facts that I can gather, they're "restructuring" the company and laying off a bunch of people. If not laying off, demoting or pay-cutting... which will lead to a mass exodus. This is all speculatory right now, as my managers are being very hush hush. But I have reason to believe that my dad might be out of a job soon. Possibly my sister, too. And hell, throw me in there, too, for kicks. If I don't walk first. I know it's strange that my sister, father, and I all work in the same place. Coincidental.

My dad is five years from retiring. I don't know what the fuck he'll do if the worst comes. It was bad enough about a decade ago... we'd just moved into this house when he lost his job of twenty-two years. It was rough for a while. He had to take all these courses to learn new shit to put on his resume. We even got food stamps for a year, I think. Yep, I've seen it all. Upper, middle, and lower class. Woohoo.

I fucking hate my place of work. Please don't shop there. The only reason I do is for the discount.

What's so cathartic about singing? God, I love to turn up the stereo and belt out a few high notes or low notes far out of my range. Rarr.

If I had had the mind to read music, I would have stayed in chorus classes longer. Alas, chorus was full of faces I'd rather not be around, and I couldn't associate a note on paper with a sound for the life of me.

So, anyway, I'm tempted to throw something away today. I made it through 8 and a half work hours... so, it's too late to throw that away.

cuz, baby, I'm not that strong... and I'm walking wounded... all alone

I am so tired. My eyelids are heavy, my vocal chords are loosened, and my thoughts are all over the board. My heart murmurs to me, hushed but eloquent, "Feel me skip and start anew? Let's go lie in the water." Sometimes I feel like a fish out of water, drowning in a foreign world. And nothing makes sense, especially the actions of others. Heh.

Well... Work wasn't able to figure out what, if anything, is wrong with my hard drive. They said I could have HP send me a hard drive, and they would install it for me. Or it might be my motherboard that's fucked up. So... I'm just gonna sit on it for a while. If things go haywire again, I'll resort to calling HP again. For now, I'm installing the every day things I need... and if this goes well, I'll install other things. Peripherals, software, what have you.

I had to do a system restore just to get my start menu back when I got home and hooked up my comp. I think the tech at work is fucking with me. (I couldn't access the start menu at all--not even through the control panel)

So, my temper is still high, but not increasing. I just reinstalled my video card, controller, and FFXI. FF is patching right now.

I'll retrieve files from CD's and my ancient hard drive later. I'm in too pissy a mood to fuck with that right now.

My mother called and wanted me to help her get my brother's old baby bed in her car. I refrained from biting her head off and politely declined. She's apparently going to sell it. She needs money that badly.

*shrug* I'm not feeling very altruistic today. Or this week. Or month. Or ever. Sue me. It's enough that I'm babysitting in her stead on Wednesday, my only day off this week.

I'm applying for classes this summer (maybe I'll just wait until fall... probably nothing decent offered in the summer, anyhow). I need to apply for financial aid again, too.

I need drugs. :D I feel like I could smash my head against the wall and not feel it.

Sleep last night: crappeh. I woke up every 15 minutes.

Again I demand, COME ON SPRING.

I think I want to see Eternal Sunshine. The idea of erasing bad memories is very appealing, don't you think? Of course, our memories as a whole are what us ourselves. We would not be the people we are if not for our successes, mistakes, and failures. Nonetheless, I rather like the thought of forgetting.

There are times I would like to forget it all and start from scratch. Scratch being... what?

I guess it's the middle of the night and my poor brain is fiddling with thoughts it knows better than to fiddle with. My, that was an ugly sentence. But you get my meaning, yes?

And then, there is always the "change the past" scenario, in which one wishes to go back in time and alter it somehow so that the outcome is as one would like it to be. Donnie Darko, The Time Machine, The Butterfly Effect, even Back to the Future are examples of how we imagine this. It's silly, isn't it? In the end, all we can really do is learn from our mistakes or move on and hope the future is better. If you're like me, you'd just as soon wave your middle finger to the world than actually give a shit.

I would change things, if I could. No doubt about that. But somehow I don't believe I would ever come out happy in the aftermath. Maybe the game is fixed.

Why can't I ever write anything uplifting?

*listening to Vast, Nude*

Ever have a streak of bad luck? I mean like a series of crappy events taking place close together like dominoes, one right after the next? I'm wondering when things will get better.

I locked my keys in my car last night and had to crawl on top of the car and pry the sunroof back to reach inside and get them. ._. Aside from smacking my nose against the windshield (or something... not sure, exactly), it went well.

I haven't had a good night of sleep in a long time. It's making me sluggish, easily annoyed, and generally grumpy. In other words, it fucking sucks. It feels like the onset of insomnia, which I haven't had in 3? 4? years. I guess I have too much on my mind.... so much that I'm getting a headache at least once a day. That's been the pattern for the last week, anyway.

I'll be working a lot this coming week. I dread it, and my jaw clenches just thinking about it. My supervisor is about to lose her job. When she leaves, a handful of my coworkers are following her. I might be among them. To hell with that place.

This morning, while I was working, my lungs gradually began to fill with fluid. It came out of no where. Felt like an asthma attack and lasted about as long as one usually does for me. But I couldn't do anything about it. I wanted to curl up in a corner and wrap my hands over my head, but I kept working... trying desperately to breathe while not attracting too much attention. It's strange. I'm not asthmatic, really, but I have an attack about two or three times a year. My mom is the same way, I'm told.

Thank the gods, I'm off tomorrow.

I have to leave for work in a minute.... So, I'll make this quick. I finally have my computer working (console recovery and system recovery+hours and swearing). However, the BIOS tells me that the hard disk drive is possibly bad, so I don't know if I should bother uploading my software or not.

I am currently less than jovial. Bye.

Well, fuck. I'm reporting to you now from Daddy's Webtv. (which sucks huge ram balls)

Yesterday, as I was trying to play FFXI, the program kept shutting down. So, I ran the file checker provided by the prog. And then things went a little off course. Windows installer started doing something which I didn't prompt. Then, the computer restarted. Couldn't get into windows at all. So, much to my dismay and pissed-offed-ness, I did system recovery. Only it didn't quite recover. No, in fact, it wants me to install a file or some shit.

The only thing I could do was call the manufacturer. They're sending me some recovery discs. joy.

I SO look forward to reinstalling EVERYTHING. Not to mention, I lost everything I'd put on the computer since September. (I'll be nagging you all for the music, pictures, etc you might have sent me before.)

Gawd, what the hell else could go wrong? Fuck you, Bill Gates. Fuck you and your retarded operating system.

*this may actually not be Bill Gates' fault, but he's as good a scape goat as any.

So... no computer for me for a few days. T_T I guess I'll just go play some video games or watch some of those DVDs stacked up on my end table.

I need to be plugged in... wahhhhh.

I haven't had anything noteworthy to write about.

I've been having very bad headaches lately. :( Migraines and tension/stress caused headaches. I called off work on Saturday. I was late both yesterday and today because I went to bed with headaches and woke up with headaches and apparently turned off the alarm clock somewhere in the middle of those times. >_< FUCK ME RUNNING.

Myep, that's about it. BLEH.

Whatever happened to my period? You know, that thing that comes once a month and makes me want to kill small children? Hmm... Not that I miss it.

TMI

Last week, I made this list of things I need to get done. I haven't gotten a single thing on the list done. :D I am procrastinating, and I don't even know why.

COME ON, SPRING!

Time to shower and nap.