I have lost nearly all sense of time. I'll try to correct this over the next few days. Especially since school starts next... Wednesday? At any rate, the only thing on my mind right now is that goddamn biology class that I'm on a waiting list for... and that single credit I need in catagory III or my AA requirements. This is actually very minor. If I don't get the biology class... well, fuck me, I'll have to try to find something else open. No big deal. It's just terribly irritating going through the course times and such.

I went out with Toni, Bry, and Justin last night. We saw AVP, which wasn't awful but wasn't great either. It had some really good aspects but (and damn the circumstances) the most interesting characters were too short-lived.
After the movie, we went to Perkins (my tummy hurt later on--sausage links, eggs, hashbrowns, and pancakes at midnight was not the best of ideas). Then I finally got to see Bry's new house. It's very cozy and in a nice neighborhood.

Around 7am, I decided to clean the bathroom. I had to get on my hands and knees and scrub at the floor for good forty-five minutes before mopping. >< Then I scrubbed the toilet and spots in the shower. Not surprisingly, the bathroom still looks like shit. It was, however, rewarding.

Hmm... the front spare room... Now that is a horror which continues to unfold before my eyes. The carpet is gone. I'm now in the process of pulling tacks out of the wooden floor, washing down mystery grime, and pulling up the wood bordering the room where the carpet was nailed down. The last part is particularly fun. I take a screwdriver and tap it underneath the wood with a hammer, then crack the border up piece by piece. When all this is complete, there's more fun to be had: filing down the tacks that didn't come out of the floor, using a hammerclaw to pop up nails around the border, filling in the holes left in the floor, sanding, and then finishing. Mind you, I'm doing all of this by myself, still.

And fucking Thomas called again wanting to hang out. Motherfucker, I don't wanna see you every freaking week. >:( I don't know how to difuse this ticking time bomb. I can just sense something really stupid, pithy, and juvenile waiting on the tip of his tongue. And that only fuels my pissed-offed-ness, because he knows what I think about coupling. I swear to the stars, if he so much as mutters something about liking me as more than a friend, I'm going to puke on his shoes and run screaming. There's nothing I hate more in the company of friends than being uncomfortable with someone.

I try desperately to imagine the thoughts that might be going through his head to rationalize whatever feeling he might be having. He's thirty, lives in his parents' basement, can't drive, has no real contact with women his age, is not appealing to me in the least--even after two years (you know how sometimes people grow on you? Well, NO...), and so on and so forth. He's a good person. He's not a bad friend. But I don't want him to make me out as some perfect candidate for girlfriend since he has no one else. If he wants someone, he should try looking in earnest.

/end rant

Thirteen random things you like:
1. Moving furniture around in the middle of the night.
2. Cinnamon incense
3. The Discovery Channel
4. Piggy banks
5. Sharks
6. Green
7. Fuzzy creatures
8. Foreign films
9. Tolkien
10. Toys
11. Stories
12. Scotland
13. Trees

Twelve movies (not in any particular order):
1. Labyrinth
2. Donnie Darko
3. LOTR
4. The Last of the Mohicans ('92)
5. The Breakfast Club
6. The Silence of the Lambs
7. Aliens
8. Edward Scissorhands
9. Hackers
10. Bram Stoker's Dracula
11. Orlando
12. Blade Runner

Eleven good bands/artists
1. Tori Amos
2. VNV Nation
3. Apoptygma Berzerk
4. The Cure
5. David Bowie
6. Radiohead
7. Nine Inch Nails
8. Coldplay
9. Vast
10. Loreena McKennitt
11. U2

Ten things about you... physically:
1. Small hands
2. Freckles
3. Scars
4. Tattoos
5. Blonde (invisible) eyebrows
6. Pale
7. Hair the color of a dirty penny
8. Chubby ><
9. Limber (well, used to be, anyway)
10. Always look tired and/or pissed off

Nine good friends (not in any order, whatsoever):
1. Toni
2. Justin H.
3. Bry
4. Cyannies >.>
5. The people in my head
6. Justin W. (when he feels like it)
7. Uh... I'm running out... hmm...
8. I'm antisocial, whattaya want from me?
9. It puts the lotion on its skin

Eight favorite foods/drinks:
1. Jamocha shake
2. Pizza
3. Vanilla Coke
4. Macaroni and cheese
5. Anything teriyaki
6. Mashed potatoes
7. Anything mint
8. Tea

Seven things you wear constantly:
1. Worniout t-shirts
2. Thread things around my ankles
3. Jeans
4. Bra
5. Panties
6. Glasses
7. Does my wallet count?

Six things that annoy you:
1. Stupid people and their stupid offspring
2. Politics
3. Extremists of anything
4. Alarms
5. My mom
6. Being forgotten or overlooked

Five things you touch every day:
1. My computer
2. My cats and rats
3. My stereo
4. Cigarettes ._.
5. A glass for water

Four shows you watch (or would like to):
1. Stargate SG-1 or Atlantis
2. FBI Files
3. Dateline NBC
4. Farscape

Three people you have a crush on:
1. Feh
2. Do the kittens in my backyard count?
3. My body pillow >.>

Two things you hate:
1. Bigotry
2. Being dirty

One thing you love:
1. Sleep

Oh, the horror of horrors that is registering for classes. We hates it, we do.

So, here's the run down of BS:

Category I. Core Courses
27/33 credits
So, I need 3 math credits and 3 science credits to complete this. I've registered for this wonky 4 day a week math course. Yes, ew... but I took a math placement test and that's where it stuck me. I wanna get all this shit done in one semester, so I didn't have much choice. What I'm worried about is that one of the classes I'm using as a humanities credit (ENG 251) isn't listed in this area. The advisor said that it counts, tho.

Category II. Gen Ed.
14/15 credits
Japanese 101 and 102 give 8 credits total, which is why the number is peculiar. I need another science credit here.

Category III. Other degree requirements
11/12 credits
WELL FUCK ME. I'm one credit short... and I'm wondering if I can use one of those leftover credits from catagory II to fulfill this portion. >< I'll have to speak to someone to find out. Otherwise, I'll take some half-semester, lamo computers course or something.

So, after I have registered for two science courses, I'll be right at 12 hours and full time. The math course is 6 (only 3 of it counts toward the degree). Hurray for financial aid.

Of course, all the astronomy courses are closed. Which means I'll be stuck with another biology course or some boring shit. ; ; If I have to take chemistry, god save you all.

You have no idea how much I hate figuring this shit out. I had to sit down with the catalog, my transcripts, and two hi-lighters just to figure out what course went in what catagory.

After I get my associates... I'm basically free. But before that, I have to decide what I'm going to do and where.

In other news, I had an erotic dream last night involving the actress who portrayed the princess in The Lion in Winter (the shotime version with Glenn Close and Patrick Stewart, which is just grand). I can't remember her name. Anyway, this person had her face. It was quite humorous when I woke up because I remember wishing she were a man in the dream.

I don't know what brought on that dream. I didn't find her extraordinarily beautiful nor am I usually sexually attracted to women. I think perhaps my subconscious just picked something fresh in my mind and placed her there (I'd just watched the movie earlier). As for the meaning of the dream... It's fairly obvious that my latent thinking revolves around incompletion or the desire to be whole, and such polarity can only be (for me, at least) restored by a relationship with a man.

I guess I'm fucked :D

There are stray kittens in my backyard again. I haven't seen them yet, but I'm aware of them.

I think one of my cats spat in my eye. More accurately, Zillah hopped up in my face and shook his head before nuzzling me like I was dead. "Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, woman! WAKE UP!" Naturally, his empty food dish was the culprit. I picked some hair-like thing off of my cornea that I no doubt rubbed into my eye upon waking. And now I look like some little kid with pinkeye! HURRAY. I'm sure it will subside. Tearduct just got a little overexcited to get the germs out.

I live such a thrilling life. And I just got out of bed maybe 20 minutes ago. I haven't put pants on yet. I debating whether I should. There are numerous things I could be doing, such as removing the last of the carpet from the front bedroom. ><

Hmm... not just yet.

I have narrowed down a list of classes and times which I could register for tomorrow. Everything but that pesky math class. DAMN YOU, numbers of spite!

doopeh doopeh

Is it bad that I can't remember when I last showered? And, apparently, everyone and there cousin was trying to reach me while I was sleeping. >.> I may call one or two of them back.

I had this strange dream in which I told my mother and father that I didn't like anything about my life and that I didn't have a future. ^-^

Register for classes on Tuesday. Haven't gone through the courses and narrowed down anything yet. Motivation still hasn't arrived.

Cheap cigarettes are nasty. I should quit altogether since I won't have the money to buy coffin nails for a while.

I wanna crawl into a vat of puddin' and drown.

Hohum. I just got home. On the upside, the night wasn't so terrible (obviously since I just got home and it's 7am). A good portion of the evening and morning consisted of waxing philosophical, which always entertains me. So, I sipped Coke mixed with Smirnoff Vanilla while talking about god and politics and UFO's for hours on end. I mixed the drink myself. Then, in a moment of smoke-break-y-ness outside, I was left alone with the one guy I didn't wanna be alone with. The ex-coworker that flirts with me too much and wants to hang out too much. He told me that he had a dream that I was kissing him. Since we were on the subject of dream analysis, I gave him some vague analysis and dismissed it. Yuck. Right, so as if I weren't creeped out enough... now you're dreaming about me. Ew.

Other than that (and him using my ass for a pillow briefly before I left), the night was alright. I should have farted on him >.>

^-^

To this day, it doesn't feel strange at all to not be paired up with someone; however, I do admit a certain feeling is stirring in my belly which tells me I shouldn't do this forever. It's a conflict because I want to stay this way forever while instinct is pushing me in the other direction. Fucking mother nature always screwing with my already convoluted mind. Bah to you, I say. Bah!

And I certainly don't want to end up with some fucktard because my instincts want to "settle." No. Mother nature can go blow herself. Some side of me feels pity for the people that do this all while feeling remotely jealous because they at least have somebody, even if that somebody is not really and deeply in love with them.

I do miss being in love. I say I'm not in love now because it's hard to love someone that doesn't love you and call it something other than just sad. I'm not in love; I'm sad. When I was in love, everything in the world could be going wrong but wouldn't matter to me because I felt stable. Perhaps stable is the wrong word. I might use content or whole or some other cheesy word you'd find in high school poetry. I just felt good. But I also tortured myself. I have always been cruel to myself and that's why I never pursued my one shot. I felt unworthy, too. Not of him but of having love. I know, I know... everyone has a right to be loved. Blah blah blah. Save it for Dr. Phil. But that's how I felt.

And now, I just feel semi-numb. Like I missed something great and it was both his and my fault. I could torture myself for that, too, but I'm all out of angst. I simply don't question it anymore. And I don't wonder "what if?" I just look at the stars and am happy enough knowing he looks at them, too, sometimes. We all do. I can't ask for more.

I have no time for vacant, little self-absorbed thoughts. I have only time for sleep. And that's what I've been doing a lot of lately.

I am supposed to go out in a few minutes and go to a little party. I don't particularly want to go. In fact, while I am there, my mind will be clawing inside my brain as it tries to think of a way to escape. Meh, it's not a big party. But the key problem is that I would rather be partying with my friends if I have to party at all. No, it's only ex-coworkers and that uncomfortable notion that they want to get me drunk and it's okay if I sleep over. I would rather curl up outside under a bush.

Making slow progress on house cleaning. I've done so much laundry, it's a wonder that my hands haven't gone raw. Housework really is a full time job, I don't care what any suit thinks. Not that this is the life for me. I'd rather live in the wilderness, washing my feet in a stream than be someone's little wifey.

I digress.

My name is Ariel, and I want to be free.

I imagine that the great emptiness inside me will only get bigger as the days go by. And while I wish things weren't so, I know that hoping only wears at me.

I saw The Village the other night. I wish I hadn't figured it out so soon. There was only thing that didn't surprise me, and it didn't so much surprise me as make me sad. Mmm... I would hate to say it but MNS is bordering dangerously on becoming too formulaic. It was still a good movie. But it was only good and not superb.

I am procrastinating. Time to go to that party and grit my teeth while smiling as drinks are shoved in my face.

I know someone that drank to forget. More presicely, he drank to erase me from his mind. Or at least that's what he told me when he came to the realization that drinking wasn't working. I don't want to drink to forget.

Hohum, another day... another dollar... Ohohoho, wait! It's my last day. According to my paycheck yesterday, they gave me a 24 cent raise, which brings me to a whopping 8.24 an hour! BE STILL, MY HEART!

Mehehe... I have to leave in a few minutes. I still can't figure out who will get my nametag... it's sort of tradition to hand it off to someone as you leave. I might just pitch mine randomly into the air and watch it bonk off a customer's head. >.>

The night before last, I couldn't sleep worth a damn (and it's no wonder, since I went to bed at 6am the day before that). So, I ended up crashing around 7pm last night and waking up... at 9am. Oops. I did wake up several times in the night, but I couldn't convince myself to get up for any reason except to pee once. I was having some interesting dreams. They've faded away since I woke, but I know they were interesting.

Hmm... Better blow dry my hair and go.

Gawhhhhffakdhasdfa... Just shut up and leave me alone. >< No, I don't wanna hang out with you. In fact, once a month is more than enough for me!

Sorry... getting a little annoyed with flirty ex-coworker person who keeps calling me. I swear to fucking god... murr.

*listening to David Bowie, Outside*

X_X I have too much shit. I don't need my own apartment... I need my own time zone.

Ripping up carpet by small sections at a time, shifting furniture, ripping more carpet... One way or another, I have to get everything out of the front bedroom and into the hallway and den so that I can clean/untack/refinish the wooden floor underneath the carpet. It is... not fun :D The walls could use a paint job, too. Okay, the whole house except my room needs a paint job. My room needs carpet.

I've been talking to my sister via e-mail... which is sorta funny because she lives about five minutes from here. Anyway, she wants to come over and clean the house out and possibly paint. I would love her help... but this place is embarrassingly wrecked. She seems to think that once it's nicely cleaned up, my dad will take better care of it. I told her that I tried this once before. Once, while he was on vacation, I cleaned every room in the house. I did all the laundry, folded it, and I even darned socks. I did every dish. The place looked great. Until he got home. In two weeks, he had his den in shambles again and laundry piled up on a chair. He is a hopeless old man. Bless him.

Eventually, I am going to need help with that front bedroom. My hamstrings are killing me from ripping up carpet (all my strength is in my legs, like most women), and my bad knee is throwing a hissy fit.

Tomorrow, I plan on inspecting the storage shack out back. Wish me luck.

Toni, if you're reading this, send me an e-mail or call me because I am a lazy bitch and your e-mail ain't working for me.

Also, Kuroiko, I'm gonna see your fucking house one way or another. Are you off this weekend?

I finally threw that funky chair out of the storage room... the one that was probably older than me. It's sitting on the curb right now. It smells like cat pee :D I also started tearing up the carpet in that room (ew ew ew... I put latex gloves on just to touch it), and there is wood underneath it. Unfortunately, there are also crude little blocks bordering the room where the carpet was nailed down. Not sure what to do with those. I didn't get very far, since there's still furniture and other shit in the room. I'll have to shift it around while I pull carpet up little by little because there isn't very much room in the hallway for the stuff inside the room. All I can say is: Yuck.

I think my last two days at Best Buy are this week. I can't remember if they're Friday and Saturday or Thursday and Friday. Nar nar nar nar?

It would be so cool to take care of all the shit around the house that needs taking care of... but I know I'm getting ahead of myself.

Dear person seeking "pics of shit comes out from as hole"[sic]:

Get some fucking help.

Sincerely,
Fyx

So, as I expected, my manager came up to me today and tried to make me believe he wasn't aware of anything in my letter. He asked if there were anything he could do (why do people bother doing that?), and for a split second, temptation to stay in hell with the devil sprang. I thought about the money, honestly. But then I strangled my convictions and gave him the firm nod saying, "Well, I have two weeks to think about it." Meaning, I have two weeks to think about how shitty this place is and how badly I want out. ^_^

I won't have any money to throw around (not that I really did before... I'm such a cheapass). I suppose I will have to budget myself, so I don't blow my savings.

It's very important to me to get this associates thing done. I can't have anymore emotional setbacks or plain old procrastination. I need to accomplish something, cuz right now I feel like I've tumbled down a steep hill and my face is in the dirt.

I heard from someone else that my manager said my letter was "very eloquent." Yeah, whatever.

And, wow, is Tales of Symphona addictive. I have 50+ hours on it and I've only had it a week and a half. ;>.> If you have a gamecube and like RPG's, I highly recommend you buy it.

Blah... it's only been two days, and I'm already hearing gossip about my letter. -_-;; That's what I get for working for corporate America.

It will be strange having no income.

I need to glance over the course catalog for the fall and narrow down the ones I need. I think I can get an Associates Degree done in one semester (if I get that fucking math course I need), but I am going full time to soak up more credits. Though it pains me to accept it, I'll probably end up going to UK for further torture. My hope is that by then, I'll have classes (hah... it's UK... what a pipedream) that are all relatively close together. The main problem is... I don't know what the fuck kind of degree I want :D

Maybe I'll go peruse the UK website and see what sort of shit I'd be in for the degrees that interest me.

Doesn't that sound like fun?

*sigh* If only I had someone to help me with this.

.... My daddy just walked in to gossip some more about work. He said that he was talking to our supervisor about my former supervisor (from the other department), and my dad said, "After what he said to her, I would have beat the shit out of him if I didn't fear going to jail." He was, of course, referring to the time my former supe cussed me out. ^_^

I completely forgot to write about that in my letter.... I guess I didn't feel like it needed to be said again after I'd told nearly everyone about it.

I just handed in my two week notice for work. :D The manager I gave it to seemed kinda surprised and asked if there were anything she could do. She said she would talk to my department manager.... I said, short of a miracle, there's nothing you all can do. I'll post the letter I attached to my separation notice when I get home, maybe. It's rather lengthy. :o

Anyway... Yeah, I'm gonna be jobless and poor for a while... I can't wait!

*edit* Here's my letter, there are many references that only BB employees would understand:

It is with deep regret that I must inform you that I no longer wish to be employed at store ***. I have enjoyed working for Best Buy the company, but this store has disillisioned my idea of the company for which I was working. Over careful consideration of the following factors, I have come to the decision to leave this store and pursue school more earnestly than I have been in the previous years.

After five years in media, I had seen many employees come and go. I had seen ten supervisors, nine of which were demoted or fired or transferred out of the department. I had seen the same treatment to people in the late position of senior. Though I worked full time for a while in media and was trained to be a senior, I never took the position for fear of the same fate. In recent months, it was a very tough decision for me to leave media. It was the position I was most comfortable in, of which I had the most knowledge, and I was the last remaining veteran in the department that knew how to do everything. It was like leaving the lambs to fend for themselves.

However, I could not tolerate certain things that were going on in the department. A sort of sexual discrimination was beginning to unfold, and I could see that my newly hired female coworkers were not being cross-trained in all aspects of the department. Likewise, the male coworkers were being trained on only one side of the department. The training in and of itself was somewhat of a joke. Many people who had been there for months still did not know proper procedures and never even thought to ask because they believed they were doing things correctly. Some did not even know there is a business planner to follow. When my efforts failed to retrain them, I simply gave up. It did not improve the situation that the newest supervisor did not even know the department well enough to train others and was not open to suggestions.

While I'm on that subject, I would like to make it very clear that I did not hold any grudge against my supervisor because of what happened to my previous supervisor. Many times, I have been confronted by people who believe I was upset that Chris Hunt lost her job and I was therefore sabotaging the new supervisor. This is untrue. Though I was sad to see Chris leave, because she was without doubt one of the best supervisor's I had had in the last five years (and she wasn't even trained properly), I held no loyalty to her that would bind me to upset my department and make things worse. I have grown tired of people putting words in my mouth.

Any issue I have with the current media supervisor is due to his lack of leadership and inability to supervise. He made me dislike him on a personal level when he began insulting me to my face while thinking I did not realize he was doing so. Several times, he assumed that because I am female I knew nothing about video games and he would remark, "You'd like to be on trail or tasking wouldn't you?" when I prided myself on customer service in the video game and software area. It's one of the reasons I was hired. I strongly believe that people should lead by example, and his only example to me was to not be on the floor or to irritate customers when he was. He has no sense of personal space. His constant condescension and assumptions made me want to get as far away from him as possible. His presumption that I preferred tasking over customer service was also incorrect. I enjoyed both equally; however, I found that I was one of the only people left in the department proficient in tasking and felt that if I did not excel in this area, the department would get further behind than it already was. But this was a losing battle, which also made me want to disassociate myself from media.

I expressed my feelings openly because I was upset with the situation in media, but no one listened or they were completely apathetic. Apparently, my opinion doesn't count.

Also, numerous times shortly after Chris' demotion, I was assailed by managers asking my thoughts on the subject. They hovered over me as though I was going to snap at any moment and walk out, which I got the impression was what they wished I would do. Offhandedly being told that the general manager wanted to get rid of me worked wonders on my already peeking stress level. Expecting me to perform under such profuse pressure was inconsiderate and unprofessional. I was only upset that I was then working under my tenth supervisor in five years. Despite recent lectures on the 2-1-6 plan, this store obviously has problems with stability. If it did not, there would not be a 2-1-6 plan. If their idea of damage control was to harrass me into wanting to quit, I congratulate them on partially succeeding in this juncture.

At this point, I have lost all faith in my managers. I feel that perhaps only one or two truly care about my opinion, and I do not know if I can even trust them because my experiences with managers over the past two years lead me to believe they are all two-faced. I distinctly suspect those that speak well of me to my face speak ill of me to others. I will admit that I rock the boat, I question, and I push back when pushed. It is not insubordination; it is a desire to understand. Perhaps being opinionated seems threatening to people who do not know me. In all honesty, I did at one time actually know all of my managers. I knew their personalities, I knew their expectations, and I knew their last names. I do not know these things now. I am positive the greater part of management does not know me as a person but knows me as nametag. They do not take the time anymore to get to know the people that are working for them. Either that... or they don't care to get to know them. (When Martin, the GMIT introduced himself to me, I was stunned.) Over the years and dramatic changes in management, emphasis slowly shifted away from being the "best buy" in town and toward numbers and percentages. Suddenly being a courteous human being and asking a simple question such as "How are you?" was replaced with "How many dollars do you have in accessories? Have you met your goals?" I do hope they do not wonder why this store is doing so poorly, for to me it is crystal clear.

Since moving to the product processing team, I am still unhappy. The confusion of not knowing which department I am in or what I am supposed to be doing weighs on me during every shift. Half the time, I do not know what to do or haven't been told to do anything. Trying to find things to do to keep myself busy doesn't exactly fill me with joy to be at work. My schedule has been consistantly irregular since I came to the department, goes against my availability, or is lacking in hours to an extreme. I feel unwanted, untrained, and like I'm wasting the company's money. This not-so subtle hint telling me to quit has also gotten through. Congratulations, again.

But it is not as though I am getting paid much, anyway. Despite the loyalty and experience gained in five years, my pay is minimal if not absurd. Evidently, I am not considered enough of an asset to this store to be paid both fairly and accordingly. This is not the first job I will have had to leave because the new hires were making as much if not more than myself. I have never discussed pay with a coworker, but excoworkers have freely disclosed their payrate to me unprovoked--and, frankly, I felt a little betrayed. Nevermind, Best Buy never raised anyone's pay even after the cost of living increases (I believe there have been two since 1999, the year I was hired). I figure that Best Buy can hire someone with no experience to replace me and in just a few months, he or she will be paid more than I make now while doing half the work.

Additionally, I do not like the person this store is turning me into. I am high-strung when I used to be laid-back. I have lost all patience with people who do not but should know their jobs. I am sick of seeing that my coworkers are not committed to quality work and therefore leaving me to pick up their slack and then not getting recognition for it. I am also sick of coworkers intentionally leaving jobs for me to do because they do not want or do not know how to do them. Some have even refused to be shown how to do things because they believe it is enough that I know how to do them, therefore they have no need to learn. This applies to a number of recent hires who assume they have been trained fully and are now too stubborn to learn SOP. Media, for instance, is particularly bad. The only way I see that department getting back to where it should be is if a supervisor from another store came in to train both the specialists and the supervisor of 259.

In closing, I would like to remind you that I may not be the only person who feels like this. Best Buy should not expect to succeed and maintain organic growth if they have to continue hiring and promoting inexperienced people because they cannot keep their current employees happy. I had been holding out to someday move back to the department I know and love, but after everything I have debated under careful scrutiny, I cannot bring myself to work here anymore without feeling like I'm resigning to the fact that things will never get better.

My sleep pattern looks like a pretty train wreck from a distance. Once you observe it up close, you shudder.

And that is why I am forcing myself to stay up as long as possible this evening, in order to fall asleep at a reasonable hour tonight. Yesterday, I went to bed around 3pm and woke up around 1:30am. I have been up since.

I drove to the store around 8am and bought fifty dollars worth of groceries. I picked up cans in my dad's den and filled about five paper bags (I shit you not, my dad has regressed into some sort of frat boy he never was minus drinking alcohol). Did I mention that the kitchen is a disaster area?

I can't stand living here.

The other day... or was it yesterday... my mother called and tried to convince me that I had hung up on her the last time we spoke, when I clearly remember her slamming the phone down in my ear right after a very abrupt "Pft!" I am tired of her constantly crying about my brother. Yes, he's a thousand miles away. Yes, it's bullshit that the government could not find a closer facility. And, yes, I understand that one of the medications he was on has made his bones thin and he has broken a wrist and arm and thumb and god knows what else in the past year.

You know what really digs into my heart like a worm penetrating soft earth? She refers to my brother as "My son" and never as my brother or by his fucking name. It's always "my son." And several times she has made the mistake of making it sound as though he is the most important thing in the world to her, then tried to correct this with simple words like "Not that I don't care about you and your sister" (notice she doesn't say "you and my daughter" or "you and my other daughter"). I know that he is all that she cares about. She never cared for my sister and me, strangely... of course, we were unwanted children which she "loved" out of obligation.

Every time I think about her, a mantra goes through my head: "She is my mother. She is my mother. She is my mother." I do not love her otherwise. I could not tolerate her otherwise. I can barely tolerate her now. There is an absense in my being, which can only be filled by her... therefore, I know I will always be incomplete.

It's a shitty epiphany to have on a Wednesday afternoon.

I saw I, Robot just a little while ago. Actually, I just got home. It was rather good. I admit that I have not read the book. Come to think of it, I haven't read anything in a few months. Perhaps I should crack open something... ah, wait, I forgot. I am rereading a book of short stories. I try to read one story a night, but since I haven't been sleeping at night....

I am in limbo right now.

Mmm Mmm. I haven't been to bed yet, which is fine because I slept from noon to 8pm yesterday. So, I guess I am due for sleep sometime soon. ^_^ Funny thing is, I don't want to go to sleep. I dread lying in bed and thinking about all the things one shouldn't think about. At least while I am up I can distract myself.

I drove to LCC around 8am this morning, which is when the financial aid office opened. Dropped off my paperwork and prayed my car would make it to a gas station before sputtering out. I keep forgetting that the light doesn't come on anymore when I need gas, and the little bar isn't easy to read because it frequently lies. Luckily, telling Pandora what a good car she/he is helped, and I made it to a gas station. And then I realized I had no money on me nor a debit card. -_-

But that's all taken care of. And I was all jittery from drinking in the middle of the night and my body producing too much serotonin. WEeeeee.

I feel extraordinarily weak lately. I assume it is from not exercising at all and sitting on my ass a good part of the day. I feel unhealthier than I ever have in my life. :D

I just watched The Secret of Roan Inish for the umteenth time. It's one of those movies that I end up sitting through whenever I catch it on TV. I blame the music.... and something in my blood going, "Oooo whassat?"

Ummm.... POT PIE!

Wow, I need a shower.

I started playing Tales of Symphonia today (nevermind that nasty list of games I have left unfinished <.<;). It reminds me of Star Ocean and Grandia. I like it a lot so far.

Hmm Hmm.

I wrote this nice little letter for work... and at the meeting yesterday morning, my current manager and supervisor countered every valid point I made in the letter (which I have no given to them yet) with excuses. So, I'll have to go back and edit my letter a bit. Though I have doubt they will even read it when I finally do give it to them, I hope that the logistics won't go unnoticed.

Wishful thinking.

Yes, July is almost over, and I've got to start knuckling down with getting my school crap in order. I have Monday through Thursday off, so I'm sure I'll get to LCC on one of those days. That's the plan, anyway.

I have to work in... less than four hours. I was scheduled on Sunday (against my availability, mind you) to help do something I haven't done in over three years. We'll see just how much of a help I am.

If I successfully put in my two week notice, I might have a week or two to myself before the school craze begins. Narrowing down classes that I need and classes that are available has always been something for which I have a thorough disdain. But I haven't even gotten that far yet. I need figure out my financial aid and pick up a course catalog. I am filled with hate.

I suppose I'll take a nap now.

More of my time spent staring at the wall, the ceiling, my hands.

I am at work right now. I have absolutely nothing to do. I might in a couple hours... which means I have to wait for that time to come. Shit.

I had my annual review yesterday. Did I write about that? I think I mentioned it to Darkcaesar. Anyway.... I seriously fucking doubt I'll get a raise, which only fuels my fire to get out of here. After five years, they obviously don't pay me enough. So, they can hire someone else, train them, and probably pay them more than I am making now. But they'll lose five years of experience. They can blow me.

Let's see, let's see. I've been having very irregular sleep patterns lately. When I'm exhausted and finally manage to get my ass to bed, I end up lying there and staring into space for hours before I can sleep. And then I'll end up sleeping well into the day if I don't work in the morning. ><

Blehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I have failed to get that form back to the financial aid office three times this week. Actually, I think it's been over 3 weeks since I got it (I only read the line about returning it within 3 weeks the other day). Hmm. I am doomed. DOOOOOMED. Oh well, procrastinating seems to be the only thing I am really good at. That and daydreaming.

I can't daydream anymore. One way or another, I end up thinking about something that makes me sad, and I'll either end up crying for an hour or slapping myself. Sometimes both. I feel like a bad psychiatric hospital commercial. <.<;

I feel like taking off early and sitting in a park somewhere. Just watch ducks and screaming children. Contemplate the many ways to pop off the face of the planet without startling or upsetting the natural balance of things. Toy with idle fantasies.

Went out tonight for cigarettes and alcohol. The sky was lit up by lightning bolts in the distance. By the time I got to my car, the wind had picked up and was flinging leaves and whole tree branches this way and that. So, I rolled the windows down and drove home, enjoying the little burst of mother nature. I pulled into my driveway and left the stereo on, left the windows down, opened a bottle of Smirnoff Mandarin Orange, lit a cigarette, and watched the clouds. Saw some terrific lightning. The sky was purple and gray.

I will never be what I want to be because I don't know how to get there. I wasn't born with a sense of purpose nor a sense of direction. So, watching clouds is about the best thing about living right now.