I was lying in bed, wishing I could fall asleep, when I decided to let it wait a few more minutes. Sometimes I fall to sleep quicker when I get things out of my head.

So, Things, get out of my head! Shoo!

Urgh. I'm fighting off those classical feelings of "pointlessness" right now, but the cynic in me is winning. Just about everything is pointless to me anymore. This is dangerous because it leads to behavior that is unlike me, and then later makes me angry with myself for acting like a jackass.

I suppose I'm growing even more dissatisfied with my life as it goes on, if that's possible. I hate sounding like some broken fucking record, "Oh, woe is me." I don't often speak or write of this for fear of the rain of BS that comes raining down when anyone says they're unhappy. I don't want to hear, "Things aren't that bad, kiddo. Cheer up," or "You have so much potential and so many possibilities," or "Tomorrow's another day," or "If you're not happy, change," or anything remotely as pithy as those.

Oh, and let's not forget those lovely people in our lives that like to psychoanalyze. If one more person tells me how I "should think" or what I "should do" because it's what they do, I may just start ripping off people's heads and dancing around with skulls on my feet.

It takes a village to raise a child. Well, no shit, but that doesn't mean your village can't have the occasional weirdo. This is not my point. I'm not sure that I have one.

The trouble I have is that I am very rarely happy. And at those intermittent times, I'm still groveling at the bottom of the barrel hoping a deity might take pity on me. I take things day by day, and I know that life is short. I revel in that, actually.

Sympathy doesn't make me feel any better. Pity irritates me. What's a girl to do? Keep it bottled up forever and hope no one hears the screams inside my head? It's a dilemma. And they're not so much screams as little squeaks of hate.

And then there's the affectionately coined term "self-loathing." My own knows no bounds. In fact, it may be the root of all my problems. I once told a boy on the bus when I was 11 or 12 that I had no self-esteem so any attempt he made at insulting me would have no affect on me. It was a trite thing to say at the time, I know. Give me a break; I was a kid. Everyone has a self-esteem. I think mine took a vacation when I was little and hasn't even sent a postcard since.

Many of you see this in my inability to take compliments. I'd say 90% is due my self-loathing and 10% is from mistrust. Compliments make me feel cruddy, because sometimes I want them to be true when I am thinking they are not.

Well, it's been one hour, and I am boring myself.

Anatomy exam---DONE. And not as godawful as I was expecting. Actually, I think I did well, but I don't want to be too presumptuous.

Now that that stress is out of the way... I can think about other things, like killing antelope with my bare teeth. Er...

I am so relieved that this week is nearly over. Hurrah!

I just spent the last 7 hours doing homework and studying.

Outlook: not so good. God, there were times when I was staring blankly at my math problems and, suddenly, I was transported back into the 4th grade. (For those of you that don't know, I went through a phase of taking forever to solve things--mainly math... perhaps I have another learning disability besides dyslexia? The world may never know.) Anyway, there are times when things just don't click no matter how I look at them. In this particular instance, it involves factoring which is the opposite of the "FOIL" process. Now, for some reason, my brain cannot go backwards with numbers that easily.

The teacher gave examples in class, I stared at my notes, read the online tutorial, even watched a video tutorial. I think I've picked it up, but I barely understand it. (I remember having trouble with it in high school, too.)

I feel like such a dumbass. This is intermediate shit.

And then I studied for my bio exam which is in 10 hours. I'm not sweating it, but I don't think I'll do great either.

I hate the feeling of frustration I get when it comes to math. I get so pissed off that I want to give up, but I can't because I have that nagging feeling that I'm inferior if I do. My dad pounded that into me when I was in the 4th grade. Naturally, this only makes me feel more shitty when I'm completely clueless.

So, my sister's family moved into their new house last week. It's quite nice. It's construction was just finished a few days before they moved in. I covet her master bedroom/bathroom/closet.

*whimper* I want my own place.

In other exciting news, my mom's behaviour has become even more retarded--if that's possible. She's taken to completely avoiding my father (whom she owes money, but that's not the reason she's avoiding him). I think she's playing her victim card and pulling some bitter divorcee bullshit. Hello, you've been divorced since 1986. You can't blame the crappiness of your life on my dad.

Poor, repressed, socially inept woman. She has so many issues, she has back issues! We're talking volumes! They should be on CD-Rom soon, so you can browse through archives of her fucked up life.

Yesterday, my dad babysat my sister's kids (because he enjoys it and doesn't charge my sister--go figure). My mother wanted to take them to church, so my sister agreed (she's not worried about some them undergoing some profound religious experience since they're only 3 and 5. To them, church is pretty much play time.) Afterward, my mother actually had the gall to ask if she'd be paid for babysitting them. For taking them to church. When it was her idea. And they already had a babysitter for the day that wasn't charging.

I know my mother's financially hurting BUT COME ON.

I'm slightly sunburned from sitting outside between classes and scribbling anatomy notes. My freckles are all dark, and they must have fornicated because now I have a billion on my arms compared to the millions I started out with this morning. Woe is me. Freckle sex is hot. But it's so fast that you can't see it happen. :(

AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.....

There's no way in hell I'm going to memorize all this shit. *weeps*

Of course, it doesn't help that I overslept today (even after hearing my alarm) and missed anatomy. FUCK FUCK FUCKETY FUCK FUCK FUCK.

I am so screwed. ^_^

I have so much to study that my brain may explode and start dribbling out of my nose. No homework (except the measely online math crap) just studying. I have 2 exams next week. The anatomy one covers sooooo freaking much that I want to cry just thinking about it. So, I have to memorize six chapters in a few days. No problem... I am doomed. Oh, sure, I've been keeping notes the whole time, but I haven't absorbed any of them. And then there's the bio exam which covers 5 chapters which I haven't even read because I don't have the book because I am a lazy bitch. Fortunately, the bio crap looks suspicisously easy... but there's still a lot of it.

Both teachers made study guides--but whereas the bio teacher has been going along with hers from the start of the course, the anatomy teacher just gave us one that basically resembles the diagrams in the book without the captions. GREAT. "Identify this." "NOOOOOOO I must turn to page 79 in the book and page 1986876 in my notes to find out... NOOOO." Useless.

This also brings to mind one of the main reasons I abhor college: I find that nearly all of the courses I have had were based on cramming your brain with information. Naturally, other students and I retain this information long enough to pass a test and then it spills right back out of our brains and floats off to Neptune. In other words, I'm not learning shit. Oh, every once in a while, you might hear some trickle of information from me that I might have quaffed from some hefty college book, but this is rare and probably correlates to something I genuinely have interest in and might have studied on my own.

In all likelyhood, whatever I learn this semester will be drifting back out into the solar system by January.

So, my cats have been acting a bit odd lately. Morg plops her big ass between the plants on the bay window, knocking all kinds of things over as cats will do. Zillah has taken to sitting damn-near on top of me if I sit on the couch. And today, they were both sitting next to me on the same side and they don't even like each other. I keep thinking they know something I don't.

We just started doing functions in my math class, and my brain has decided to take a vacation. I'm trying to do my homework, and I end up yelling at the paper like it owes me money.

Humdrum.

Today, I had one of those lovely "college" students come to my door and try to sing me into buying a magazine subscription. No, he literally sang "The Itsy-bitsy Spider" to me. So, imagine me, standing there awkwardly listening to his spiel with the fakest of half-interest smiles on my face. No, hitting on me isn't going to get me to give you money. >:( And even if I wanted to believe for a second that he really does get points for some grand contest, I don't con easily.

I hate that crap almost as much as I hate charity phone calls. Maybe more.

And this is why I should never answer the door.

So, let's see... I don't pick up the phone and don't answer the door. HAHA! This plan shall prevail! I am free from creepy interactions with strangers forever! Well... at least until I go out into public. Damn the public. Why aren't there any caves with vacancies? T_T Why can't I be a complete hermit?

*cries a little*

Well, fudge.

Rarrr... I just got out of bed about five minutes ago. I'm not sure if I'm fully awake yet. I skipped Bio. And I still haven't bought the book for that class. Maybe I'll do that today after math class, which *shock* I will be going to.

I have been very very lazy the last week or so. I'm not terribly depressed or anything (I think... my mind could be playing tricks on me). I'm behind on laundry, haven't worked on the floor (that other bedroom one) much, haven't done much of anything. Staying up later than I should doesn't help. I should be in bed by at least 12, so I can function the next morning and actually get up at a decent time so I don't have to scamble to class (or like this morning--miss is completely).

Yuck. I need to brush my teeth.

I had some pretty strange dreams last night. I don't recall much more than that. Darn.

What kind of disease are you? Fyxation:
Fyxation is caused by bacteria.	An infection of Fyxation causes victims to write bad goth poetry. Fyxation is cured by never wearing shoes ever again.
Name?

or

What kind of disease are you? Fyx:
Fyx is caused by bad television.	Fyx disease causes a constant lack of clothing. To cure Fyx, listen to every album by the Beatles, backwards.
Name?

ehehehe.

Lately, I've been reading back through my current paper journal (the thing is huge--it goes all the way back to 2002, mayber earlier), and I keep thinking, "Who the hell is this person?" I vaguely recall writing the tripe that fills those pages... And it's so repetitive.

Hell's bells, I have math soon. I have no idea how I'm doing in anatomy. I've been making notes like mad, but I'm not sure if they're sinking in or if I'm even writing down the right things. The instructor still soars through crap as I furiously scribble down notes in class. There hasn't been homework. There's an exam next week. I am full of dread :D

The last couple nights, I've been having a rough time sleeping. I'll wake up every few minutes, disoriented and unable to tell if I am still dreaming. Throughout today, I kept hearing my own voice in my head (well, not like hearing voices--more like my thoughts bumbling together) coming up with words to say or write while talking to people... bah, it's hard to explain. I never said the things I was thinking. And the thoughts felt wrong... surreal. I'm wondering if I have a fever or something.

I just took a very cool shower, even though I normally take a shower every morning. I kept lowering and lowering the temperature. Instead of getting colder and colder, it felt better and better.

Every time I've had a fever in the past, I can almost feel it boiling away brain cells. I can't differentiate reality from hallucination. And that's kinda how I feel right now but on a lesser scale. I don't feel sick, though.

I am curious if I will wake up tomorrow with that overwhelming and alien self-doubt, wondering who I am and where I am.

I just want to sleep soundly tonight.

When it comes to math, my brain examines a formula for a good few seconds and then registers a great big: HUH? Seriously, I think I am actually understanding math this time (despite the fact that I am struggling to comprehend how knowing how to find the slope of a line will help me save for retirement), but I am so FUCKING slow.

I know the formulas to make equations but it takes my brain a few seconds to apply them with the information given. I don't know why this is, but it has always been this way. I have an exam tomorrow, which I'm sure I'll do okay on; I'm just worried that I'll spend too much time on each problem as I try to remember what equation is used where.

>< I've never had a mathmatical mind. It's difficult for me to process math because I've never understood the point. I don't use algebra. Ever.

For an example: Suzy is three inches shorter than George. Their total height is 123 inches.
Instead of computing it as...
x (George)+ x-3 (Suzy)=123
2x-3=123 x=126/2 x=63 George is 63 inches tall; Suzy is 60 inches tall.

my brain says
123-3=120
120/2=60
Suzy is 60 inches tall, and George is 63 inches tall.

Does that make any sense at all?

Anyway, I have a word brain and not a number brain. So sue me. Wish me luck on my exam, though. ; ;

*listening to Coldplay, Parachutes* I had a dream that an enormous tornado was plowing down my neighborhood. The sky was pitch black, then it was hazy orange but clear. I remember crouching in the hallway because I had nowhere else to go. Then the sky went black again, and I could hear and feel the tornado rubbing up against the house and over it. There wasn't a lot of destruction, surprisingly. Some of the windows were history and the roof was lopsided.

Anyway, I knew that the dream had something to do with my current state of mind. According to typical dream analysis:

A tornado is a typical manifestation of a subconscious mind raging out of control. If you find the eye of the storm, gain control of your body or even ignore the calamity, then the worst is already over. If a storm destroys your home, you must do some hard brainstorming to imagine a radical solution to a big problem in your waking life.

I can agree with that, but I also see the tornado as me wanting to wipe everything clear and start afresh. The house getting barely touched might represent my powerlessness.

Then again, it could be that I'm the house or just me alone inside the house not getting hurt means it takes a lot to break me down.

Dream interpretation is so fun. XD

Are you gonna take me home tonight
Ah down beside that red firelight
Are you gonna let it all hang out
Fat bottomed girls
You make the rockin' world go round

Hey I was just a skinny lad
Never knew no good from bad
But I knew life before I left my nursery
Left alone with big fat Fanny
She was such a naughty nanny
Heap big woman you made a bad boy out of me
Hey hey!

I've been singing with my band
Across the wire across the land
I seen ev'ry blue eyed floozy on the way
But their beauty and their style
Went kind of smooth after a while
Take me to them dirty ladies every time

Oh won't you take me home tonight?
Oh down beside your red firelight
Oh and you give it all you got
Fat bottomed girls you make the rockin' world go round
Fat bottomed girls you make the rockin' world go round

Hey listen here
Now your mortgages and homes
I got stiffness in the bones
Ain't no beauty queens in this locality (I tell you)
Oh but I still get my pleasure
Still got my greatest treasure
Heap big woman you gonna make a big man out of me
Now get this
Oh you gonna take me home tonight (please)
Oh down beside your red firelight
Oh you gonna let it all hang out
Fat bottomed girls you make the rockin' world go round
Fat bottomed girls you make the rockin' world go round
Get on your bikes and ride

Oooh yeah them fat bottomed girls
Fat bottomed girls
Yeah yeah yeah
Fat bottomed girls
Yes yes

Fat Bottomed Girls
Queen

A little theme music while I scrape the finish off a hard wood floor and get chemical burns :D

Anything is possible with a little Queen in the background.

You know I'll never be lonely, you're my only one, and I love the things--I really love the things that you do...

Man, if you thought I was thrifty before... The only money I've spent since I quit my job has been on school or gas or cigarettes. Yes, I am aware how much money I could save if I quit smoking altogether.

I need a new drug habit. Maybe I'll turn to drinking! Wait... I'm not very fond of hangovers and it's even more expensive. Liver failure or lung cancer! So hard to decide.

I'm anxiously awaiting my residual check from my financial aid. I still haven't bought my bio book, but that's no biggy. I've already spent 250 on materials for anatomy and math.

I keep remembering clips from some rather stupid dreams I'm having. The bad thing is, the more I drive them away, the more they show up again when I sleep. I can't win.

Mmmyep

How come deleting old e-mail from someone I don't even talk to anymore is so hard? Oh, well. *deletes, reads, deletes*

That was surreal.

Classes are moving along faster than I like. Two of them are, anyway. It's like the instructors want to cram as much as possible into one semester... which is just dumb since I'm going to forget it all in a matter of months.

I actually seem to be picking up the algebra this time. Luckily, the handouts the teacher makes for each class help greatly.

As for anatomy... I could scribble down notes in class, but the instructor goes so fast they end up looking like a lot of nonsense. So, I've been outlining key things outside of class. I'm still making notes for chapter one, and she's in chapter two. I'll have to find a way to keep up. That 2 hour space between anatomy and math helps. I've been sitting in the library and doing notes there.

The day goes by much too fast now. I get home from class around 4pm most days and the rest just evaporates. Going to bed around 11-12 feels unnatural.

Bleeeeeeeeeeeeee...

Math is the debil!

Also... having class right when the entire parking lot is full--the debil!

Parking 4 million miles from south campus--the debil.

So, basically, everything is evil. Mmmyep.

My nose itches.