Studying things like life expectancy, world population, crude birth and death rates is all very interesting in your spare time. Memorizing it for class, on the other hand, blows monkey spooge. I'm not even halfway done studying for bio, and I have a take home quiz from math and online homework from math to do. ^_^ Yes, I'll be popping ginseng tomorrow. *twitch twitch*

I'm still finding the occasional flea, and it's infuriating. I find them so disgusting that I want to sit in the shower under hot water just to get away from them. If I happen to catch them, I douce them in alcohol or nail polish remover. Aren't I nice? ^^ Flea season is over, dammit. Die, already. DIE DIE DIE. *scratches* If I torment my cats with anymore powders of neck meds or sprays, they're going to start pooping in my bed in retaliation. I keep pleading with my father to go search for a stronger spray crap for the furniture, but he just mumbles at me and uses the carpet powder I bought on his sofa... Stupid fucking old man! I hope you get sick and barf up a hairball! You're supposed to vacuum it up, not just sprinkle it everywhere and leave it!

*le sigh*

I am still wishing that my science instructors would give simple homeworks every night to make sure I know this shit rather than giving me a list of what to know for the exam. I know many people will argue that this is what college is all about. Coulda fooled me! I thought college was for, oh, I don't know... learning!? I'm not learning jack shit. I study, but it does no good because I don't know if what I'm studying is actually information I need to know. I mean, I could have studied the completely wrong shit by the time an exam comes around, and the instructor would never be the wiser. So, what's the point?

College seriously needs some reformation. If I ever have kids (and I'm hypothisizing because I don't ever want kids and if I ever become pregnant by whatever means, I'll take a running leap down some tall stairs, and I really like run on sentences) I will urge them to get into some trade rather than waste 4+ years of their life memorizing bullshit they'll never need or use. Fuck college funds. I'd direct them towards something genuinely useful which they enjoy and let them go from there, supporting them until they can support themselves. But that's just me being logical. And if they really want to go to college, I'll fucking have a hand in it, because I wouldn't want them to end up like me--all bitter, pissy, and cluesless.

If you think about it, college was originally intended to broaden our knowledge of the world, drive home meaningful information which correlates to our lives, and prepare us for all the possibilities the world has to offer. I'd hazard to guess that in the last 50-60 years, it has become an industry to make money and flood our brains with crap which is unimportant. Here you go, have some Survey of American Lit. That'll be $400, please. What, knowing the metaphor in "Upon a Spider Catching a Fly" won't help you buy a home in the suburbs and raise a family? So, what! You want a degree hanging on your wall, don't you?

Is anything "learned" in college that will truly improve your quality of life besides the junk you need to know for a career? True, it might help you win Jeopardy... But will knowing the negative demographics of Russia put food on your plate? Highly doubtful.

Give me some knowledge that's worth knowing, for crying out loud. Teach me the quickest way from point A to point B without being wasteful. Teach me how to better the world and myself. Don't try to tell me that knowing some incosequential fact will better me. Don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining.

RARRRRR...

Back to studying useless shit!

Oh, yeah... that went... well. Consider anatomy exam results to be crappy. I'll be shocked if I get a C.

I want to see The Grudge. Go check out the website. It is freaky O_O. I'd link if I could, but I'm in a hurry and at school.

And now off to math.

Here's a random thing that's slowly driving me insane: occasionally, I'll wake up and my nose will be extremely sore as if someone tried to rip my nose off while I was sleeping or I had a run-in with the wall while I was sleeping. Okay, I have from time to time curled up against the wall and fallen asleep, but I normally don't smash my face into the wall.

The pain is in the cartilage. The first few times it's happened, it's been on the very tip of my nose and lasts about a day or two. Today, I woke up and the pain is on the left upper side of my nasal cartilage and no where else on the nose. It hurts like a bruise. There's no indication of swelling or bruising on the surface. I don't know what it causing this, and it's damn annoying. Any facial movement that effects that side of my face makes it hurt. When it's the tip of my nose hurting, I take great care not to rub it or press my face against anything. I tried to look up possible causes on the internet but came up with next to nothing. It's not sinus related.

><

I guess I'll go cram more anatomy into my brain for my exam tomorrow.

I got a B in math 108. 109 started yesterday, and I'm already feeling a bit lost. Guess I'll have to catch up after the anatomy exam and Thursdays' Bio exam. Hurray! If people would leave me the fuck alone, I might be able to get more studying done. ^_^

My head hurts. I waited too long. I don't think I have enough time to make plans for what I'm doing after I get out of LCC. The thought of being stuck here even longer makes my stomach churn.

In the end, everything boils down to money.

I don't know what to do, and I'm going insane as I try to come to some decision. I'm not good at making my own choices, and I've pretty much done so my entire life. I know that things could be much worse. All I can do now is sit back and watch the plot thicken. Like blood coagulating in a deep wound... sore and beginning to smell.

...Don't watch these in public. Princess episode 1.
Princess episode 2.

I guess I'll be working on a paper and then studying all day tomorrow.

Happy birthday to Bry. Happy birthday to Bry. Happy birthday, dear Bryonny. Happy birthday to Bry. :P

Congrats on getting a dog, too.

I just spent a better part of the day not doing homework like I should have. Shit.

I am so screwed :D

*shakes the 8 ball and tries again*

"It is decidedly so."

I never did find my keys. My dad had two spares made for my car. And life goes on.

Once again, I have a few headaches worth of studying to do. And I missed the deadline to do makeup homework and extra credit in math. It was at noon not midnight. Dammit. At the rate I'm going, I'll get passing grades but not A's and B's like I'm used to.

I feel utterly lost (but when do I not?). Application deadlines are near, and I haven't made any plans yet as to what school I will go to after this. Still. I'm not so much worried about the school part as where I'll live. Preferably, I'd like to live in a small and affordable apartment. But considering I have no job right now and little to no credit (I have no need for a credit card, bite me), that could be a problem. The thought of living in a dorm again makes my skin not crawl but march away in defiance. And I'm too old to be living in a dorm, anyhow. I mean, hell, by the time (if) I finish school, I'll be 27 or 28. And dorms cost more than apartments, anyway! And you can't even stay in the over the holidays without paying more! Retarded. Pay 2-3 grand for a dorm for 3 1/2 months or find an apartment for 4-500 bucks a month... let me think. On top of utilities, they about even out, really. But I wouldn't have to drive home and live with my dad for the winter and summer breaks. I am so sick of living at home, anyway. I'm only doing so now because I can't afford not to.

You know you're poor when you find a dollar and get excited. I haven't had cash on me since... early September? Late August?

I'm ranting about the same shit over and over. It's no wonder I can't sleep at night.

Could be worse. I could be living out of mommy and daddy's pocket. I pay all my bills and I pay my father some rent money and in return I get shelter. He's been overly nice about it, since I'm going to school. If I were him, I would have kicked my ass out a long time ago.

In other news, my mother got custody of my brother back. He's still in Texas because medicade pays for his "care." You know the first thing that crossed my mother's mind? "I wonder if I can get is social security back."

And people wonder why I hate her.

**edit 5:40 PM

After just looking at apartment listings in the NKU area, I noticed that Cinci apartments (under 10 miles from NKU) are pretty fucking cheap compared to Lexington. What's up with that? WTF? Even a lot of the two bedrooms were inexepensive compared to the average two bedroom apartment in Lexington. And we're talking $100 differences here. I think I'm either going to laugh or throw up.

One guy pops a mystery pill into his mouth.
One guy empties a 5th of Jack Daniels.
One guy rolls a joint and seals it with a lick.
One guy traces a piece of broken glass over his wrist and decides to cut his forearm instead.
One guy steals.
One guy sets things on fire.
One guy runs around flashing random people on the street.

That one guy sure is fucked up.

I'm gonna try to go to bed again in a few minutes.

I hadn't thought about the impending doom of what I'm doing after my AA until Justin messaged me to write that a coworker that had gone to NKU said it had a good art program. Damn youuuuuuuu! I didn't want to think about that. We just discussed that last night: where I plan on going to school.

I don't have much time to decide. I'm looking at school programs, tuition costs, living costs.... It's all horribly depressing financially. I want to move away. In state but not in this town. I think it's either going to be NKU or EKU, but I don't know how it'll all work out. ._. EKU is cheaper and closer. Bleh... but I've dealt with their BS before, and I hear it's gotten worse.

Fark... sleep time for Fyx.

I got this random urge to play The Sims... so I am installing the original and 4 expansion packs (all but the vacation and magic ones). I don't know why I'm doing this. It's not as though I have time to play. But what the hell? Maybe I'll make sims of people I really hate and seal them in rooms without doors. Mwahahaha...

We've been having a lot of bomb threats at school the past few weeks. Had another one today. It's starting to piss me off greatly. RARR... n' stuff.

She stood on the corner of Jefferson and 15th with a half-smoked cigarette in one hand and a folded up map in her other. Night had fallen, and it was cold and damp and unforgiving toward tourists. She stuffed the map into the back of her bluejeans and looked down 15th Street. The neighborhood, if you could call it that, didn't appear to be the safest place during the night or the day. She picked up her feet and started walking. A few more blocks, and she could burn that last bridge. Maybe even set dynamite under it, just in case. Trouble was, she wasn't sure if this was the right place. It was the only lead she had, though. Pulling the map back out of her pocket, she flicked her lighter so she could read the street names and the little phone number scribbled on the side. Funny how you can associate a number with a person. She stopped, tossed her cigarette butt, and stared ahead. A couple cars zipped by, making the cool night air sting her face. Her eyes became glassy. Looking upward, she hoped for a sign in the sky that would urge her forward, but it was hazy and gray and blank. Self-doubt sank into her bones, freezing her on that spot. She thought about that shooting star she'd seen this time last year. It had given her hope when there was no other reason to hope. She cursed that rock for falling into the atmosphere. She cursed herself for seeing it for more than it was. In a flash, she lit the map with the lighter's flame. As it hit the ground, she stomped on it frantically. After a moment of panting, she straightened herself and began walking the way she had come. "Fuck that."

tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away The world is full of possibilities.

I'm getting more and more depressed as I look at schools and degree programs. There is nothing, and I mean NOTHING, that appeals to me. Shit, even this one program I was looking at in Shawnee State requires calculus. CALCULUS? FUCK ME IN THE EAR, why don't you?

:( I guess I'll end up at some mediocre school with some mediocre classes, so I can get a mediocre degree that won't lead me to a career in shit. And then I'll be bitter for wasting all that money on it. Seriously, anyone who knows me knows that I'm not good at any one particular thing and therefore there's not a lot for me to do in this world. I feel useless. Good for nothing. I don't strive for anything because I suck at everything. That's happy. ._. Great, now I feel shitty. Yay.

I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind earlier this evening. It was a sort of sad, twisted chapter of any typical person's life when it comes to love and being happy or being miserable. Too difficult to really explain with mere words. You should really see it yourself, if you haven't already.

I know Toni wanted to see it, and now that it's gotten my thumbs up, she has to see it. You also still need to see Vanilla Skies, woman! Or is it Vanilla Sky...? Meh, I dun remember.

I'm sleepy.

I wish I had some spare cash... I really wanna go outlet shopping. Need new clothes. And I could visit Justin, too. (mmm Nashville outlets... )

I should probably try to sleep soon.

I can't sleep. Not for lack of trying. The last couple weeks, I've been going to bed and just lying there for a couple hours before falling asleep.

Last night, I had a dream that I had driven down to Florida just to sit on the beach. I think Sean Connery was there. Don't ask why.

Anyway, just now, I was lying in bed for over 3 hours when I decided to get up and take a shower. I'm not feeling particularly well. I'm not sick yet... but I sense that something really shitty is upon me... like bronchitis.

As I lie there, flipflopping around on my mattress like a fish out of water, deranged thoughts spin around my head. Vicious cycles of worrying, wishing, and worrying again flood my brain. Typical signs of insomnia. My heartbeat is unhealthily fast. Probably from smoking too much. I feel hot due to a mixture of sunburn and a slight fever that's fighting the impending sickness.

Emotionally, I feel like crap. This has just been a bad week, and I know it will pass. Maybe I'll catch some sleep on the weekend to make up for the pitiful amount I've had lately.

Damn, I'm thirsty.

And now my tummy hurts.

You know you're having a bad day when you're driving down the road and some silly song comes on the radio and makes you cry for no apparent reason. Just drive along. The tears will go unnoticed, just like always. And the stupid song will end.

Have you ever met an edible human? Well, the guy who fixed my ignition and made me a new key was drop-dead, excuse-me-while-I-chew-on-this-carcass, edible. And, oddly enough, he was nice. My god, even conversational. He appeared to be about my age, perhaps a year or two older.

After two hours of deconstructing my dashboard and retrieving a tiny piece of broken key from the ignition, he was finally done. And then, he tested out the new key he'd made. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. OH GOD! DON'T STOP!

>.> I'm sorry, but I couldn't prevent my brain from wandering off to daydream about his key in my slot. *cough* Anyway, as I went to pay and get a receipt (OMG $175... I'm gonna be eating ramen for weeks), I saw something scribbled in sharpie on the inside of one of the cab's back doors. "Will work for sex." It took all my willpower not to crack up and die right there.

All in all, I am still pretty pissed off. But watching a pretty man play with his tools for a few hours has brightened my disposition.

So, one day, I was walking outside under a nice fluffy cloud. And then God shat on me.

I lost my keys while I was at school. I. Don't. Know. Where. I searched every step I had taken from my car to the school, from class to outside, from outside to the library, from library to class THREE times. This was no easy hike, so I was very thorough with each search. I checked lost and found, the records office, etc. Nothing.

On top of this, my car had a citation tucked under one windshield wiper. $15 for parking in in a lot with the wrong permit. Neverfuckingmind that it's the spillover lot for the K-lot that my permit is for and neverfuckingmind I've been parking there for weeks because the main K-lot is full at the time I get there. Yes, I get a citation for parking as far away from the school as humanly possible and having a permit.

So... basically, I am fucked. I suspect some fuckhead picked up my keys and didn't turn them in to lost and found. (When I got back to my car, I crawled in through the sunroof to make sure I hadn't left the keys inside. No such luck.)

Not only was the only key that starts my car on my key ring (part of the key broke off in the ignition long ago), but its twin is also on that ring so I can open the doors. I have no other spares.

My only options are to leave my car there (and get another ticket)and check lost and found again tomorrow or to call a locksmith, have them remove the bit of key in my ignition and make me a new key. I'll bet that costs a small fortune, which is why I am sitting here... fuming and wanting to smash things.

Goddammit.

Why would anyone pick up my keys if not to turn them in? What the fuck? I get the feeling that they fell out of my pocket during anatomy, but they were no where to be found the times I checked there (before and after a class was in there).

I suppose I'll call a fucking locksmith. I hate talking to strangers. I hate spending money. I hate losing my damn keys.

Did I mention I have a math exam tomorrow which I am totally fucking clueless about? How about the 206 bones and their markings and the different types of joint structures and functions?

Frustration... beyond... brain capacity... meltdown immenent.

So denied so I lied are you the now or never kind
In a day and a day, love, I'm gonna be gone for good again
Are you willing to be had, are you cool with just tonight
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well

Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon

Put your name on the line along with place and time
Wanna stay, not to go, I wanna ditch the logical
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well

Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon

All my time is froze in motion
Can't I stay an hour or two or more
Don't let me let you go
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well

Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon

Eve 6

I remembered that you liked this song when I heard it on the radio just a little while ago. Wouldn't it be the perfect resolution to a story that never had an ending? One can dream.

What is it with these college grads with lofty ambitions of landing ther perfect dream job the instant they're done with school? I have seen this pattern developing in front of me (though I am sure it has been around much much longer) of young adults finishing whatever schooling they were taking and thinking that as soon as they are done, they will get the job they always wanted and be set for life.

I'm sorry, kids, that's not how it works.

9 times out of 10, I hear these same people whining that they can't get that perfect job. Well, duh.

In any business, you have to start out at the very bottom. Not exactly mailroom clerk to president of the company--but, for God's sake, be realistic! Having big dreams is fine. Lower your standards and expectations a little... and chances are, you'll find a good job that will eventually lead to something great.

I think many colleges like to spoonfeed students this garbage that they will get the job of their dreams if only they get that degree. It's misleading and irresponsible. They fail to mention that, as with all things, it takes time to achieve such a goal.

Apparently, a whole generation missed out of the common knowledge tale of the college student that goes off to the big city to make it as an actor/actress/writer/director and ends up waiting tables and eventually returning home with their tail between their legs.

You have to work your way up the ladder, little ones, not jump desperately at the top rung.

omg so sad ; ;

I am so terrible sometimes. I have been skipping classes here and there out of pure laziness. It's getting to the point where I am worried about my attendence. (People with good attendence in some of the classes I'm in get a grade curve, and the teachers made this very clear on the first day.)

Right now, for instance, I'm supposed to be in biology. And though it is boring as fuck and a pain in the ass to drive to (actually, it's more the parking that drives me insane), I should have gone. I woke up on time. I had and have no reason to miss it. Yet here I am, sitting on my butt.

And then I feel bad about it. AND I KEEP DOING IT. *slaps self* Outside of laziness, I can't think of a reason for why I would skip classes. For a minute, I wondered if I was being self-destructive or counter-productive just because I hate school and am bitter about it. But that doesn't really fit this situation. I want to get my AA over with. I want to accomplish something. Is going to class not worth my time? True, in biology's case. If I get the study guides for the exam and study on my own, I am completely fine without actually going to the class. I have missed a few anatomy classes, as well, and that somewhat worries me since the teachers zips through things we should know for the exam so quickly. I haven't missed many math classes. There's no way I could since the teacher gives study sheets every day and actually teaches the equations and such. If I miss a few equations, I am fucked. She's also alotted a certain number of days we can miss, so that keeps me in check.

I know it's a juvenile thing to write, but I wish my other instructors had done the same. While I am an adult and know the importance of attendence, they have given me too much freedom and I greedily abuse it. It would be like getting a job where your boss says, "Show up whenever you like. Paycheck's in the mail." Score!

There have been many days like today when I could have and should have gone to class. I have no excuse.

It's strange because I sometimes act the same way about social gatherings. I could have and should have gone, but I didn't. Later, I hear from people that I "flaked."

Why do I do this?

I am not worried about how I will do in my classes (yet). Somehow, I always manage to swing A's and B's... Even in my most stressful and depressing semester, the lowest I got was a C. Perhaps I should relax.

On a different note, I went to Chinese buffet yesterday (omg, ate too much teriyaki chicken and Chinese donuts) and saw a man with a mole that had a really scary amount of hair growing from it. We're talking 3 inches long and creepy-old-man-on-the-mountain looking. And the guy wasn't a day over 35. I can only assume he was proud of it (though I have no idea why), but it was right underneath his jaw and so visible that you couldn't help but stare at it. If it's true what they say and a hairy mole is a healthy mole, then this guy is going to live to see 100. Or at least his mole will. *shudder*

I just watched the movie Willard. It was... interesting. O_o In sum, this extremely sheltered man befriends the rats that are invading his house, and they obey him and end up doing things for him. Except this one nasty rat named Ben. I'll not say more than that... other than I was disappointed with the last 45 minutes. I'll give it a C-.

I would like to spend more of my time making peace with myself over things beyond my control, though I don't really have an approach to this. Perhaps I should take up the use if psychadelic drugs? Or maybe slam my head repeatedly into a tree?

Would bark scraped into one's forehead lead him/her to enlightenment?

Here's a must see: hahahahaha :o

And now I have some total stranger attempting to flirt with me... *spits* I hate the internet.

Goddammit, you stupid fuckheads, I don't have any Forgotten movie spoilers! Piss off!

Evil... yahoo search engine...

*listening to Conjure One*

... I was just going to start writing about Morgana when she jumped into my lap. Damn you, psychic kitty.

I put this expensive flea medication (I ordered it on the internet for a bit cheaper) on both the cats earlier. They seem overjoyed. >< I hope it does its job or at least helps. Morg's allergic to fleas and has been miserable since whenever we tracked them into the house.

One hour later....
While she was in my lap, I raked her back fur and plucked out about 7-8 fleas (I douced them in a capfull of alcohol ^_^). Oh yeah, I'm feeling disgusting. I'll be changing the sheets and taking an hour long shower tonight...

Yuck.

The medication I bought is supposed to work in a few hours and kill any fleas that come in contact with the cats (without even biting). I've heard good things about it from other people.

I think they're specifically seeking out Morg because she's old and can't do much about them. Zillah doesn't seem that terribly bothered. Anyway. Gross.

Parasites are icky. ><

I am so happy autumn has finally arrived. Now I am awaiting cool weather. The bright sun and few clouds lately have been making me grumpy. You'd be grumpy, too, if the sun sapped your strength and burned you and gave you headaches. I'm a fair Euro-mutt, dammit! GIVE ME CLOUDS!

When I close my eyes, I am at the center of the sun
And I cannot be hurt by anything this wicked world has done

:x I'm such a slacker. Mmyep.

ew... save me from the pseudo-rock-crap on the radio...