I'm exhausted. Lethargic, really, like invisible threads are pulling me down. Earlier today, I felt fine then tired then fine and now tired again. I tried to study some math since I skipped out last Thursday. One day, and I'm fucking lost. On top of having no idea what I'm looking at, I can't focus. The next math test is on Wednesday. One day to review, do my online homework, and try to learn two days worth of stuff in one. Heh... I opened the online homework a minute ago to look at it... and had no idea what I was staring at. Thankfully, it wasn't due tonight. It feels like every bit of math I've learned in the past couple weeks was only in my short term memory and it has since departed.

And I'm really freakin' thirsty. I don't think I'm drinking enough water throughout the day. I used to carry a bottle of water with me to class, but I usually forget to now.

I applied online to EKU this morning after my previous entry. I have to send an application fee in soon, so it will actually get processed. The idea of commuting makes me want to vomit all over myself repeatedly until I'm bleeding from the eyes. But, hey, my life's been shitty so far... why should I change it now? And fuck UK in the ear. I was thinking about applying there out of pure laziness/surrender to the fact that I am stuck at home. It's getting harder and harder not to tell my dad to shut the fuck up when he roams into my room talking about politics or some bs on TV. I'm tired.

I'm tired of this life I've totally fuct up from day one. I'm tired of feeling like that loser everyone tells to cheer up, to change, or to get over it.

I'm not sure if I have anything to blame for this behavior. Is it hormones? A chemical imbalance? A delightfully dysfunctional upbringing? Dropped on the head one too many times as a baby?

I tried bringing this up with my mother... of how I'm never happy, and I don't know what to do with my life. Sometimes I'd like to tell her that I'm done. No more. Check please. She didn't know what to tell me. I thought since she's been diagnosed as clinically depressed, maybe she'd know even just a little how I feel. She turned the conversation to school. Either she wasn't listening or she doesn't want to hear it. My father wouldn't know what to say. I imagine he would think I'm just like my mother if he found out how miserable I really am. And he's the type that would want me to "get over it." As if I haven't been trying that for years. It's going well so far, don't you think?

So... if I go to EKU, I'll try to take classes 2-3 days a week. The classes alternate of Friday, so I'd have Friday free every other week. I might be able to get a part time job this spring. Don't have much choice there, since I'm poor as is. Ah, well. One more thing to think about.

I'm going to bed now. Hopefully, I won't lie there, thinking, too long.

I think perhaps I am fucking myself just a little too much lately.

Let me explain, heh. I have all sorts of craptastic things to worry about right now... Where I am going to school, will I pass my classes, will I have enough money for school, will I need to find a job? And I keep setting myself up for failure. Such as right now! I should be on my merry fucking way to anatomy, learning the cranial nerves and other happy shit I'll never use post December. -_- I'll fucking go this Wednesday and Friday. Hold me to it, dammit. As for next semester, I haven't even fucking applied yet, and I'm about to go peruse some websites to find out if I'm too late. I think I've just about squeezed all I can out of the community college, and if I pass my classes this semester, I should have at least an AA. For me, it's a constant struggle with futility. And even my mother likes to ride my ass in her own itchy way... "I wish I had finished school... I didn't really know what I wanted to do 'til I was in my thirties. Why don't you go to this school? Why don't you go to a technical school?" etc. etc.

I have never been able to see my future. I can't see myself with any sort of job I would enjoy. Thus, I often feel what I am doing is pointless. When I was younger, I wanted to be this grand writer of young adult novels. Or perhaps even an illustrator. Well, I haven't written anything for pure enjoyment in a long time nor have I drawn anything in earnest for ages.

And I've been smoking far too much lately. Sitting in front of the computer all day is to blame. That, and stupidity. Perhaps I'll quit for a while and see what that's like. It would save me so much money. >_<

I believe today is one of my niece's birthday. Oh, my. I'm getting old. They're getting older.

I dreamed that I was at my mother's house, and I was in the driveway when someone was getting out of her car. After one glimpse, I think I figured out whom he was... and I took off like a bat outta hell. I don't think I wanted him to see me. By the time I was on the other side of the yard (the wooden privacy fence my mom put up a few years ago was gone), he began running after me. And so, a typical chase dream started. I had that super-fast running ability (much like a flying dream, but on the ground), and I was up the street and long gone in a matter of seconds. I wound up in a hotel, where I was trying to change clothes in an elevator. A man asked me to leave... And I think I was just about to give up and go find my chaser, when I woke up.

Thank you, bladder, for summoning me away from that nightmare. That glimpse I caught of him getting out of the car is going to haunt my brain for a while.

I just watched Queen of the Damned while it was on the USA network.

I want those two hours of my life back. It was quite possibly one of the top five worst movies ever made. I mean bad. I'm talking "Awgh, I just stepped in shit," "This milk's been in the fridge since last May," "Little Billy stuck is finger in the light socket again," "We're out of toilet paper, so I used your robe" bad. I just had to finish watching it because I was compelled to, much like watching a car wreck. The script was terrible... I'm not sure that even the godliest of actors could have pulled off that... crap, and the actors in this movie were not fit for their parts--not a damn one!

Oh, and the makeup! Remember how awesome the makeup in the Interview with the Vampire movie was? The makeup in Queen was just horrid. It appears as though they went to Home Depot and picked up a few buckets of white paint.

The dialogue was bad. The special effects were sad (the tracers around the vampires when they took off or flew around were particulary distracting and pointless). The story! Ee gads, the story! Not only did they randomly throw shit in from the book that was important yet didn't bother explaining it, but they completely changed nearly all of the relationships between the characters in the books. For instance, Maharet is briefly introduced at the beginning of the movie as Jesse's caretaker (riiiiiight), and then in the last 40 minutes, she's part of the climax. Nevermind, they didn't explain why. Nevermind, her relationship with Jesse is steamrolled into some 2 minute scene about a family tree. Another instance: Marius is Lestat's sire (uh.. ok, lazy bastard story editor, you suck). Okay, the entire movie is an example of how a good story can be butchered for the sake of Hollywood's meager attempt to cash in on the goth boom.

Goth boom... sounds like a really bad song. But you know whom I'm talking about. You see them all over the place. I guess until you've been goth, you can't really identify the really morbid/old school/Cure-listening/somehow artistically talented/wears black because it's easy to accessorize goth from the "I wear black lipstick and got my eyebrow/nipple/tongue/etc. pierced because it's cool and I'm unique" goth. The latter are filled with glitter/happy/shiny/mildly retarded/center of attention "goths." Avoid them at all costs... they can give you heartburn and make your bowels squirm if they look at you.

But I digress, the movie sucked ginormous donkey dick through a straw made out of dried cow shit.

Ah... I feel better now that I've gotten that out of my system.

So, I'm waiting for a repairman to come out and light the pilot light under the house because we have no heat. My dad tried to do it yesterday, and was unsucessful. For some reason, that and the water heater light keep going out.

My anatomy exam is tomorrow. I have been trying to study, but there's far too much for me to memorize. Once again, I am screwed.

I think I'm giving up and going to UK next semester. I don't really have an alternative unless I take out loans. I hate school with a passion. I don't care what anyone says, so far it's been a great big waste of time. Going on 7 years off and on of pure hell for a piece of paper! Fuck me in the eye with a lemon flavored condom.

I had another dream about rats. I have one about rats every once in a while. Sometimes, they are getting eaten by my cats. Other times, I am trying to catch them and protect them or something.

Whatever. O.o

*written on notebook paper between classes while sitting in the library*

A memory just came back to me. Actually, a flood of them entered my head after I saw a girl that looked like Julie. She was thinner and had long, blonde hair. The tips were dyed red. I could swear it was her... but no matter.

That memory was one I think I forgot for a reason. At any rate, this is it:
Julie came over to my house, dragging one reluctant Joey. I believe this was in 1999, so they were married at the time. Julie told me that Joey had fucked some girl and that this girl claimed to be in love with Joey. Joey appeared to me as a puppy that had just been caught pissing on the carpet. I'm not sure what Julie expected me to do about it. If I were her, I would have kicked him in the balls, leaving him to pee blood while I packed. But that's just me. ^-^ She told me to help her do something to this girl... something that would hurt her without hurting her. Julie forced Joey to cut up a pair of this girl's panties (if he's got her fucking panties... okay, Julie, you're retarded...), while I stitched a small feminine puppet together (think voodoo doll but less complex).

The puppet was stuffed with shreds of underwear and filled with some herbs Julie had chosen (some vengeful shit... I don't remember what). It all felt very middle school while she begged me to help "curse" that girl. But I went along with it, treating it like a real spell and doing exactly what I would do if it were a real curse (not that I do a lot of those...).

It was mostly for show for Julie; something to make her feel better. While I was disgusted with this girl I didn't even know, I was more disgusted with Joey for acting so fucking innocent and childlike. I hated him, and this just fueled the fire. I hate Julie for not seeing how blatantly sick their relationship was and how it was clearly over a long time ago.

We drove to a park, and I conducted the spell: a circle of salt and some jazzy calling of corners (Yes, it was very very corny and Crafty at the same time). And then Julie did some redneck voodoo, and we did bad things to the puppet.

That's all I really remember. Isn't it strange how I had blocked it out?

There's no doubt in my mind that nothing happened to that girl. I'm not even sure if it scared Joey into not seeing her. Doubtful. Whatever emotions I fed into the doll were ones of disgust for Julie staying with Joey. No matter what I did, I never had the power to make her see Joey as I did. Or perhaps she did see him that way, but she kept her eyes covered on purpose... blindly clinging to a love that was long gone if ever there.

It's hard to believe it's been almost 5 years since she began ignoring me, and I'm still bothered by the circumstances. I suppose it's something one never gets over.

Just a warning:

Do not bring up politics when conversing with me. I will most likely puke on your shoes and then stand up and ram my head into a wall several times. If you're not wearing shoes... well, you get the idea.

I believe political beliefs, much like religion, should be kept to yourself. I do not belive in the US' two party system. It's outdated and retarded. However, you have to "make your voice" heard somehow, and this means looking at which political party is most similar to your standing.

But you see, there is a catch. If you decide, "Well, I share a lot of the same values as democrats, so I'll vote democratic," you are probably going to completely ignore anything a republican has to say or try to dispute it just because you're a "democrat." It works both ways. My father is a republican, and he won't give a democrat the time of day. It's stupid. Especially when it comes to important elections such as the presidency.

As I've written before, I am tired of politically and historically uninformed people jumping to conclusions as if they were made of gold. If you don't know what the hell you are talking about, please, shut the fuck up.

Kerry is a moron. I am glad he isn't president. I do not agree with probably 50% of what Bush stands for, but I agree with even less of what Kerry stands for. I wish that I didn't have to associate myself with a political party, but for voting's sake, I am registered republican. I am extremely liberal, but that doesn't make me a democrat. I wish people would undertand this. During elections, I do not vote for my party; I vote for who I think would do a better job. And while Bush's national agenda is a bit unnerving, I believe in the long run (which is the most important thing), whatever crappy decisions he and his staff make will not have a big impact on our country. Yes, the thing I am hearing most since the election from people is how horrible it is about the marriage amendment and all the money going to the military....

But, if you really think about it, you can't force progress. You can't force on people what they aren't ready for. I mean, hell, the Civil Rights Movement wasn't that long ago, and we still have racist dickheads on every corner. The US is predominately populated with white Christians. Do you really think they're going to open their arms to gays when their very beliefs tell them it is immoral? We're moving in fucking leaps and bounds as gays can just say they're gay and not get lynched. (Yes, this still happens, anyway, but we're making very fast progress.) I firmly believe that one day, no one will even think twice when they learn someone is gay or find out they are gay themselves. Law shouldn't have anything to do with marriage in the first place. A union between two human beings, whatever their gender, is their business. And if you think this is liberal thinking, you've been mislead. I know several republicans that feel the same way. The government should not control and say whom you can and cannot marry. The very idea of people getting special treatment from the government because they are married appauls me. And yet, there the government is, telling you who gets what taxes and why or where your belongings go when you die. Whatever.

My friend Larry, the oldest and wisest gay man I've ever known, once told me that he thought the idea of gay marriage was ridiculous. He's been with his boyfriend Jeff for almost thirty years and they have never wanted validation from the goverment. He told me that every gay marriage he's known about hasn't lasted and he suspected that it was because they only wanted that validation, not to truly be a married couple. Well, everyone has the right to be validated if they want it. Why not? A piece of fucking paper has just as much chance keeping a gay couple together as it does a straight couple. What are the odds now, 50%? By all means, let them have their worthless validation. They deserve it just as much as straight people do. Legal marriage means so little in this country anymore. True marriage is a rare gift that very few of us get to see. But I know in my heart that Larry and Jeff are married. They'll never leave each other. I wish more than anything that they could get the benefits that straight couples get. It's only fair.

We're not at the point yet. Give it time.

And the US has always been and probably always will be the only country to have a hand in everything that is going on in the world. You make a lot of friends and enemies when you show your face a lot. You make a lot of friendly enemies, too. Four more years of Bush will have quite an impact on the international world, and that's the picture I'm more worried about than our whiny-ass-pathetic national problems. (The US is a meritocracy; the successful are rewarded. Those who don't try, you're SOL.)

So, I did my research. I found out all that Kerry had planned and all that he was responsible for in the senate. Some of the stuff (such as passing the bill that abandoned POW's from Vietnam) was kind of disgusting. And the man pretty much had no international agenda to speak of (kinda like Bill Clinton). But another thing that really turned me off was his whole hardcore Christian moral highground BS. Just because you're Christian, it doesn't mean you're right and your morals are the best morals. Take your baby Jesus buttplug and call me in the morning. Bush is also Christian, but I've never felt like he was imposing this on his office. I already know Bush's history with the nation and with the world, and as sad as it sounds... I feel more secure knowing he's in office than Kerry.

One last thing... Democrats, for the love of whatever deity you're clinging to at the moment, stop treating politics like a popularity contest. If you want voters, try educating them, not luring them with stars, concerts, and other equally ineffective tripe. If the most important thing about your campaigns is who is going to be the opening act... you've probably already lost my vote. Celebrities have never and will never have any sway on my political beliefs. Most celebrities shouldn't be allowed to speak in public because 1) they're not worth hearing, or 2) they don't know what they're talking about. The percentage of teenage voters has not changed in the last 4 years, so please stop considering MTV an important media.

Once again, let me repeat: I am tired of hearing the opinions of uneducated people. If you seriously want me to give two shits about your thoughts, please get informed in other ways than TV and the internet. "OMG OMG u stoopid fuxx0rs voted 4 Bu$h I hate u all. I'm moving 2 Canda" is not going to make me feel the least bit moved.

And if you're now pissed off at me after having read all that, I apologize. You're probably having the same reaction I have when I have to listen to or read other people's opinions. Please excuse my craptastic typing and grammatical errors, as well. I've been writing for one hour and don't much feel like proofreading.

*listening to Haujobb, Polarity

Wish I could grace you with some wisdom today, but I'm fresh out. Instead, you'll have to make do with some mad ramblings (per usual). Once again, I have several tests slamming me all at once (next week). There is no doubt in my mind that my anatomy teacher is insane. I would rather have a test every week than one covering 6 chapters every couple weeks. DIE DIE DIE. And there's a math test, which covers more shit I don't know how to do. ^-^; I did so poorly on the last one... I feel dirty. I've gotten behind in that class by missing a couple days, and it has thoroughly screwed me.

I guess I've been putting off writing (hadn't written in my paper journal for almost a month 'til last night), because I don't want to pour out more bullshit about being an indecisive procrastinator. This might be responsible for the constant funk I've been in... or it might be because I'm in a funk that I can't motivate myself to do anything. I need DRUGS O_O. Medicate me, make me better, change me.

Identical copies to reflect

I don't think anything is going to happen that will light a fire under my ass to get anything done. Nope... Everything is rolling down hill. I am laziness incarnate.

I'm like a little electron, floating around and waiting for a proton to grab on to. A positive for my negative.

Polarity

I've been unhappier, I've been more numb than this, and I've been in more pain than this. But for some reason, I feel worse than I ever have. I suspect I'll have more dreams about trying to drive a car that's out of control or trying to drive from the backseat. The car usually ends up crashing and killing me. Such cheerful dreams. Or I'll have the teeth-falling-out dreams, which I hate even more. (I always try to put them back in my head...)

Self-loathing can do wonders to a person. It makes them become everything they don't want to be and then makes them feel bad about it, feel responsible for it, and be an asshole to everyone else.

One of my greatest problems or worries has to do with self-worth. I have yet to see anything from myself that actually contributes to this world. I have no specialization. Most people are good at one thing or many things, and I'm not good at anything. Humans are specialists. And we're versatile. But I don't have a fucking specialty. FUCK.

>.> Just bombed algebra test. Oh, well, the instructor said she expected everyone to do poorly since we didn't have enough time to study and one class was cancelled due to yet another bomb threat. Blah.

I don't know what I'm doing, and I'm beginning not to care. I'm reminded of that scene in What Dreams May Come when the little girl is drawing on the mural in the hospital. "You weren't looking, anyway." Not to compare my life to a piece of art, but if I fuck it up, who cares?

Not that I'm feeling pessimistic. I simply can't muster the strength to try anymore.

I had strange dreams this morning. One had Steve Tyler talking about his hair (o...kay). Another had what I think was supposed to be Travis. I'm not sure how, but my brain conjured up this person that looks nothing like him and spoke nothing like him but insisted it was him. That's not the first time my dreams have done that to me, and I know I'm haunted by things left unresolved. It's only natural that my subconscious try to work it out. Yeah, my issues keep getting more and more complex as time goes on.

Sitting on my ass for nearly 3 months has done wonders for my near-nonexistent metabolism, lemme tell ya. I gain five pounds if I even look at a poptart. Mmm poptarts. My mood perpetuates it, too. I don't feel like doing anything, and I'd rather hole up in my room and read than face my stupid problems. Escapism is the best. Wow, I've regressed to age 14.

You are a ZINGARO - a gypsy. A free
spirit, fun and free, with just enough
eccentricity to make people say, "God, are
you WEIRD!"

What Atypical Noun Best Fits You?
brought to you by Quizilla

*burps*

^o^

I am still being weirded out by The Grudge. My heart skips when I hear Zillah mewling down the hall or when I pull the blankets over me when I got to bed. That face is haunting me. ;;

I've really got to stop skipping anatomy if I want to get my AA this semester. But we hates it, Precious.

Since school started, I've managed to spend a grand. Bills, books, random shit.

That reminds me, I wonder if my dad ever got the student discount back on my internet bill. Save money where you can, man!

I finished removing the varnish from the spare bedroom's floor (except for some trace amounts I can buff off later), and I tried bleaching some of the dark spots. I think the process has to be repeated several times. Bleh. At the rate I'm going, I should be finished by 2010.

I'm getting more and more lazy, and I suspect I might end up living at home next semester, which I don't want to do. I'm not sure if I'll go back to work or what. And I still don't know what school I'm going to go to.

I need an eye exam, badly. My dad brought me an ad for a $40 eye exam and a special offer on 2 for 1 glasses. I should go on and drop the money on it, because my eyes deserve it. I've been wearing the same prescription since high school, and I know that can't be good. I can tell that my eye sight as worsened. It's especially bad at night while driving; the glare off lights in front of me makes me damn-near blind.

You know, I can't picture what I'll be doing five, ten, or fifteen years from now. I can't see where I'll be living or where I'll be working. And I have no aspirations.

My thoughts on The Grudge:

As all who know me know, I never take anything a critic says to mean jackshit when I go see a movie. I advise you all to do the same if you're curious about The Grudge. Most critics gave it bad reviews: 1) because they didn't understand it, and 2) because it wasn't your typical cookie-cutter fright film.

It is seriously scary. If you like that sort of thing, go see it. If you don't like squealing like a little girl every five minutes, don't see it. I mean, I'm still looking over my shoulder as I type. O_O; I'm probably going to have nightmares.

I won't spoil it for you, because I hate it when others do that. I told my dad about the entire story, because he had no interest in seeing it ("don't like scary movies; never have."), and I told him about the entire movie experience (how literally everyone in the theater was holding onto something or someone and making squeaky noises when they sensed something about to happen). It was quite fun and genuinely scary.

Since it was based directly off of the Japanese movie, Ju-On, it had that subtle (almost Hitchcockian) terror; you're scared but not sure why. That might be what the critics didn't like. They like everything to be black and white and spoonfed to them. No, this movie leaves that to your imagination. No in-your-face horror crap. No excessive gore. Just utter creepiness.

I'm not sure if my opinion counts for anything, but I'd give it a thumbs up. And now, I really want to see the original.

The weekend is finally here, and all I can think about it not doing anything. I plan on seeing Bry (probably tomorrow, since I just woke up and haven't even put on pants yet), working on the front bedroom floor again (as I haven't had the time in almost 2 weeks), cleaning up my filthy room and den, and then perching my ass in front of FFXI to finally get level 60 with my white mage job. Haven't leveled in weeks, possibly months, due to school.

Much to everyone's surprise, I have been reading the Harry Potter books. It's something to do when I get into bed to go to sleep. I'll read a few chapters a night, then drift off. I'm on the Prisoner of Azkaban right now. While the first two were nearly duplicated scene by scene on film, this one actually has a bunch of stuff that wasn't put into the movie and is more entertaining to read. (It was hard to get out of watching the movies with three Harry Potter nerds breathing down my neck). Oddly enough, I thought that the third movie was the best of the three movies that have been made so far, and it has been the only one to slightly change the story or omit things from the book. Maybe it just had the best director so far >.>

Time to go find pants and breakfast... in no particular order.