I just got out of my car... as I was getting out, I hear this wicked pop from my right knee. My good knee. Now it hurts like a motherfucker. Goddammit, I am such a gimp. Wonder if I'll have to wear my brace on this one or if it'll just go away. Didn't really hurt when I walked in, but as soon as I was inside and locking the door... Meh, I don't think it's so bad. I'm sure it's just a tiny sprain.

Anyway, still no word from my mom.

Gonna go job hunting this week, maybe. Fun fun.

Yuki is in pretty bad shape. She's got two cysts on her underbelly, and something strange is going on with her butt. She doesn't seem to be in pain or anything, at least.

Hmm... nothing else to report.

The dull ache.
The kind that settles into the back of your throat and drains into your lungs to suffocate you while you sleep. Somewhere toward consciousness, you realize it's not going to get any better... Even though the words "It'll get worse before it gets better" are echoing in your head.

Still no word from her mother. And it's only now hit me that... maybe I was supposed to be feeding her cats? Uh oh. Well, I've got a key to her house, but she has a security system. I'm not sure if I remember the password.

Fuck.

I have to find work soon. I think if I spend anymore time with myself, I'll go insane--if that's not already happened. And it would be nice to have an income again. Trouble is... where will I be going to school this fall? Will I be going to school this fall? What's the point, really?

Oh fehhhhhhhhhh. I feel like sitting in the bathtub with my clothes on until the water goes cold and my fingers prune up. Yeah, that sounds like a plan.

My mom was calling all day while I was trying to sleep. I was worn out and incoherent. Well, my brother was taken to a hospital in Austin, TX because he was throwing up a lot and couldn't breathe. He was tubed and sedated and put in intensive care, condion: critical.

My mom wanted me to drive her to the airport, so she could fly down there. I, being super bitch who's so tired that I don't know what I'm saying, tell her no. Yeah, I'm probably going to hell as my brother might be dying right now.

Now that I have had a little bit of sleep, I am feeling a little bit guilty. But the evil part of me is like, "Eh, fuck it." It's not that I don't love my brother... rather, I feel absolutely nothing for him since he could have killed our mother. For my mother, I feel a sort of distant disgruntled acceptence. But as much as she has used me already, I don't owe her a fucking thing.

I'm a horrible person, yes? Oh, well, I'm coherent now. And she did get a ride to the airport, regardless of my bitchiness.

Listen to the wind blow
Watch the sun rise

Run in the shadows
Damn your love
Damn your lies

And if
You don�t love me now
You will never love me again
I can still hear you saying
You would never break the chain.

Listen to the wind blow
Down comes the night

Run in the shadows
Damn your love
Damn your lies

Break the silence
Damn the dark
Damn the light

And if
You don�t love me now
You will never love me again
I can still hear you saying
You would never break the chain.

Fleetwood Mac's "The Chain"

I should really go to sleep now. Not that I'll get any rest. ^-^

I used to work with this guy. He was a super fucking creepy dude. He constantly was borrowing money from people. He bummed ride from everyone, including me. He also hit on me and many others... As time went on, no one could stand him. You could just tell that he was slowly losing it. He stopped showing up to work and that was the last we saw of him... I think that was in the February of 2004. I think he mentioned having a kid and an ex-wife in Florida. When he first started working with me, he was as clean shaven as he could get and had short hair. Over time, he got messier... guess the exterior was catching up with the interior. And, sure, we all thought he was crazy, but I don't think any of us pictured him burglarizing/assaulting/kidnapping. O_O

Scary, ne?

Apparently, he was in a nuthouse and later transferred to another form of housing... I didn't bother reading all the details.

*edit* I forgot to add a few things about this guy--some important details.

He used to show up for work hours before his shift and lie in the break room. He would also stay hours after his shift was over. He would try to milk the timeclock for every penny possible--which he got in trouble for more than once. Sometimes, people would find him crying in the break room. One coworker lent him 100 dollars and set him up in a hotel for a few days. No money was ever repaid. Another coworker let him stay at his home after he'd been kicked out of his girlfriend's apartment. This lasted two weeks. A manager lent him a very sizable amount of money (I'm thinking a few hundred dollars), and this was also never repaid. There was a period at work when merchandice was being stolen internally, but we could never catch the person responsible. Now I have no doubts about the culprit's identity.

My real diary, yo. I think you'll get a kick out of this, even if you've already seen it.

I saw Constantine earlier with Toni. It's actually not half bad, if you can get around Keanu Reeves line delivery (especially in the first 20-30 minutes of the movie). Tilda Swinton, of course, was the highlight of the movie >:D

I was digging around of old software CDs and the ethernet card I'm giving to Toni, and I found some old back-up CDs. I installed Photoshop 6 (because it's the only photoshop I have, and I don't really need it other than to edit pictures for web use), uploaded a ton of MP3s to my hard drive and some other programs I'd forgotten about, and I stumbled across old AIM chats. I even found the story I was writing with Rask via e-mail what seems forever ago.

I didn't transfer them over... I left them on the CD's... to come back to some other day when I'm feeling self-destructive :D I even found a chat log with an old friend from NJ... from 9/11. It was sad.

Now to turn up the Sigur Ros and bathe in the glow of another grand distraction.

So, no, I can't sleep. Gonna take a short nap here soon... if I don't gouge my eyes out and fill my skull with rubbing alcohol. :D

I'm on edge. Like... twitching and aware... like a cat before a storm. Anyhow, I watched the Ted Bundy movie. Odd... since I watched the Jeffrey Dahmer movie just a few weeks ago. Nothing makes me wanna throw up forever like good old reality turned movie.

And then, I read some comics. After I had my fill of Wolverine poking things and Blink blinking things, I looked over at my journal--this massive green book with white pages sitting between my bed and my drawers of unmentionables. I picked it up thinking that I might actually write in it. For some unknown reason, I started reading it instead. Then I began hating myself more and more with every word. I was and am still such an idiot.

Heh, last year, in February, I went from happy yet extremely pessimistic to OMGFUCKYOU RAGE DOOM DOOM. I've pretty much been that way since. Reading my journal also just reminded me how my mind is suppressing things with or without my knowledge. The brain works in mysterious ways. "Let's see... Oh, there's a thought we shouldn't be thinking about. I'll just file that away somewhere. Hmm. It seems to be attached to these thoughts, as well, so they'll have to go, too." I continue reading, and I'm asking myself, "This was you? What the fuck?" Brain responds, "Um... no... *repress repress reset*"

And this has led me to the conclusion that I either 1) need to be locked up before I wind up in a pool of my own vomit, or 2) need to be heavily medicated. Perhaps both would be best. I wonder if people would visit me in county hospital. I sadly couldn't afford better.

Some days, I wanna cry until my eyes bleed and then cry some more. No, wait, that's every day. But sometimes, between these thoughts of release, I think about breaking things until I can't feel my hands. I neither cry nor break things. Every day is filled to the brim with distractions. If I can occupy my brain with trivial shit, I can cope with being a worthless piece of shit the universe has failed to scrape off its bootheel.

I am god's sparkling little ray of sunshine! Let me dance of you. doo doo doo. doo doo doo.

Now, I realize that the way I feel is probably perfectly explainable to someone that can explain things he knows nothing about, but for me? I'll just say I'm in a funk and that funk happens to be my entire life, from the moment I came out of the womb, opened my eyes, and thought, "Oh, fuck."

Anyone have any good distractions for me? Besides sleep... I'm getting to that in a moment.

If you haven't been to Mortisland, you need to go RIGHT NOW. And watch Red Vs. White >.> DO IT. Oh, how I would love to kick a certain ex-player red mage's ass...

Hmm... moo. Mir geht es ziemlich beschissen heute.

I just buried Losse.

For the first time in years, it didn't snow on my birthday. Funnily enough, I didn't get anything else, either. My dad asked me what I wanted. My mom called from Louisville last night to say Happy Birthday (she's at some convention there which is desperately more important than celebrating the day she gave birth to me). Hey, at least she called.

There's no better way to start the day than to carry a cold pet corpse to the backyard and bury it, even though that's illegal. Now I can't help but feel a tiny bit depressed.

For those that don't remember, Losse means snow in Elvish. My other rat is Yuki--snow in Japanese.

-.- I wrote too soon. The last few hours, my throat has been getting worse and worse... So, yeah, I am sick. And whatever I've got just hit me like a ton of bricks.

S'funny, Toni's sick, too, and I haven't even seen her yet. I dunno where I picked this up. Maybe my dad brought home germs :x WAH. GO AWAY, GERMY GERMS. Feels like someone stabbed in in the throat with a ballpoint pen.

I beat FFX-2 earlier... after a year long break or something like that. Started a New Game Plus, and I'm using the guide this time around. Hoo boy, exciting, no?

Hmm... let's see. Today is Friday, technically. That means my birthday is tomorrow. I hope Toni and I both feel decent enough to go out. I don't have any plans, otherwise.

Well, I went to bed around 5am... Uh... yeah, it's only been an hour and a half. Sue me. As I was tossing around, I noticed a sharp pain behind my left ear. Of course, I automatically reached up to touch it. There's a hard, tender knot about the size of a pea. I jump out of bed, go bother my dad as he's brushing his teeth, "What the fuck is this?!?!" "I don't know."

It hurts. So, I get on here and search desperately for some explanation. Is it something to even be worried about? Finally, I find what I think it could be: swollen occipital lymph node.

Hmm. I'm not particularly sick, that I know of, so I don't know what it's filtering to have gotten swollen. But it does explain why I've been having dizzy spells. Maybe.

Oh, god, I'm turning into a hyphochondriac like my mother. But it does hurt.... grrr. I will give it a few days or so and see if it goes away. Not like I have much choice since I don't have insurance. :D

Ow. Guess I'll sleep on my right side.

*listening to VNV Nation, FuturePerfect*

FLOOR ALMOST DONE. ;; Now for the walls.

I have a date Saturday night. HAHA I GOT YOU. It's Toni. :3 Maybe I'll get lucky, anyway >.> And that's about it for my amazing birthday. Oh, and my friend Chris is making me mint cake. <3 mmmm.

Meow.

No tears for me
No sympathy

I cannot wait to get all this crap in the house rearranged or thrown out. It's epic, I tell you. EPIC. Just watched Lost... Sayid and Shannon omgwtfbbqwwsd? :x

Have you seen that commercial where the girl is talking into her hand, pretending it's a cell phone to somehow guilt trip her father into getting her a real one? Every time I see this stupid commercial I think, "You're at home. Use the fucking landline, you stupid bitch."

And then the whole cell phone disease thing started in my head. I cannot stand people that always have a cell phone glued to their ear. It says so many things about them, and they don't even realize it. Number one, and the oldest and most cliche, being that these people believe they are so important that they must be in contact with everyone at all times no matter who they are. Perhaps they are so desperately afraid of silence or separation that they just have to talk all the time or they might disappear. We already know that people who talk on a cell phone while driving are endangering others (...more). When I see people driving wrecklessly, I shit you not, 4 out of 5 times, they're on the phone. I guess their conversations are just so enthralling that nothing else matters, because what they have to say just can't wait... they are that special. I think if you see someone at a stoplight talking on a phone, you should be able to get out of your car, walk up to them, and slap them. Granted, you'd probably get shot, but it would feel damn good to knock someone on their ass for being a moron. "You *slap* couldn't *slap* wait *slap* until *slap* you got *slap* home? *slap* News flash, asshole, you're sharing the road with other people--children, seniors, pregnant women, your mom, my mom, fuzzy creatures who don't know any better--get off the fucking phone before you hit one of them. You are not so special that your conversation comes before the safety of others."

YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL.

I have no problems with cell phones, myself. I think they're great little communication tools when you're out and about and people need to know where you are or there is an emergency. I know some people that use their cells as their home phone because it's cheaper for them. But there's a time and a place for everything. When you're out with other people is not a good time to pick up your phone and yack away. When you're behind the wheel is not a good time to find out what Stacy did last night with Jenny. When you're in a public restroom taking a piss is not a good time to tell Suzy how drunk you got last night. I could go on and on.

I think common courtesy is becoming a thing of the past. There practically is no cell phone etiquette.

I would hazard to guess that probably more than half the people that have cell phones don't even need them. I know I don't. My mom gave me one a few years ago and I used it all of twice before shoving it in a drawer somewhere. The only times I really wished I had had one were when I had car troubles. Other than those times, I have no use for one. I'm not a hard person to reach.

I'll shut up now before I get a cell phone thrown at my head.

Get brain cancer and DIE.

Suddenly, the world seems off. Maybe I sat on the remote control again.

I need a new layout.. hmmm...

Nothing to report.

//end transmission.

Holy fucking shit... I went to put on my favorite pair of ratty jeans--the jeans I could have buttoned and still pull down by the belt loops--and they're tight as hell T_T I have gained so much weight in the last several months that I think if I had tried to bend over in the jeans, they would have burst at the seams. God, that's depressing. THIS is depressing. I have never been this fat in my life. I don't mean solid or chunky or robust or curvy or any of those other other nice words people sometimes use. No, I'm a fucking fatass. -.-

And it's no wonder, really. I rarely leave the house. I get no form of exercise. My sleeping patterns are eratic, at best, though they have fallen into a somewhat healthy arrangement that passed couple weeks. I can be objective. I'm a sloth! So, will I change this behavior before it gets even worse? WORSE? My god, how can it get any worse? I feel like shit. I'm sluggish and my muscles have turned to jelly. My joints hurt from the excess weight I've put on--and they weren't in spectacular condition, anyway. What am I going to do? Feeling helpless and devoid of any sort of hope that I can change... Knowing that this is hurting me... And completely clueless of how I can snap out of this.

The other night, I laid down to go to sleep and the room was spinning. The vertigo, nausia was so bad that I thought I was going to pass out or vomit on my pillow. My blood pressure must be off the charts. I started making my peace and praying I wouldn't puke.

Fuck, look what I've done to myself. I feel awful. Only when I put on clothes that once were loose on me did it finally hit me that something is very wrong. Now, I have to live with myself...

I had a dream this morning about someone I've been trying to push out of my brain, which is probably why my brain is like, "HAHAHAHAHA! REPRESSION DOESN'T WORK, Dumbass!"

Dammit. And it was very vivid, though it is thankfully fading away now. If my bladder had not woken me up, it could have been very bad. Bad because the last thing I recall in the dream was the statement, "You're not undressed yet?"

Discuss.

Meanwhile, I'll be banging my head against the pretty pretty wall.

*listening to U2, Achtung Baby*

I've spent the last few days cleaning. Think spring cleaning in midwinter (only it feels more like spring than winter--screw you KY weather). I have thrown away so much crap and inhaled so much dust that I think my back has a permanent kink :D Blah.... but it feels good to help my dad out in this way because I know he would never do it himself. He is a packrat. My mother is also a packrat. I AM SUPER MECHA PACKRAT. However, I'm not dirty...

Anyhow, I uncovered many cool things in my cleaning adventures thus far: letters my dad wrote to his folks while he was in the army, empty porno boxes, many outdated computer programming manuals. If anyone wants to learn C while reading poorly spelled cursive letters and looking at giant clits, come on over.

The sad thing is, I've hardly made a dent in his mess.

Who's gonna ride your wild horses?

EKU called today to say that they have waived my bill. YAY.

After I am burnt out on cleaning and redocorating and what not, I suppose I'll look into finding work. I'm not at all sure about school right now, though, so I am unsure what kind of job--if any--I can get in the meanwhile.

HOHUM.

*listening to Boa, Twilight*

"During the time of the Roman Empire, Emperor Claudius was going through some security issues and really wanted a big army. Even after some royal tantrums, many of his subjects did not want to join the military because they were happy at home. Then, the infuriated emperor was struck by the great idea to abolish marriages, hoping that men would see an opportunity to enlist as the next best thing. Thinking that this was an absurd law, a priest known as Valentine continued to perform marriage ceremonies in secret. Young couples who refused to put their love on hold flocked to him for help."

"Ultimately, the priest was captured and sentenced to death. While in prison, he became friends with the jail keeper's daughter and on the day of his beheading, the priest left a note for her. He thanked the girl for her friendship and signed it, "Love from your Valentine." He died a martyr on Feb. 14, 269 A.D., and so began the yearly Hallmark reminder of love and friendship that leaves some people feeling a little too giddy and still others a tad too lonely."

I would site the site this came from... but it's being retarded.

Anyway, BE MY MARTYR <3 Let's all eat chocolate and rape the rose bushes in celebration of St. Valentine's death. YAY!

I'm gonna go back to being a lonely bastard now. Cheers.

*listening to Deftones, "Change"*

Having all this free time is surreal. Trying to find things to do... the world is your dart board. A normal for me consists of cleaning of some sort (laundry, vaccuuming, etc), working on the front bedroom, videogames, a bit of mindless television (<3 the Discovery Channel), um... that's pretty much it. Sad, no?

I guess I'll go clean some more. It keeps my mind off things.

The bill from EKU hasn't disappeared yet. When I called them yesterday, they said they would try to have it waived.... Pulling teeth.

I made a Quiz for you! Take my Quiz! and then Check out the Scoreboard!

Yeah, I was bored.

*listening to Vast, Nude*

Ever feel like the world's out to poop on your head and your umbrella just crapped out?

I got a bill in the mail from EKU for a late registration fee... needless to say, I gave them a call (and after being on hold FOR EVER) I gave them a lil piece of my mind (IE "Um... ;; what the hell is this shit?").

I hate teh February.

I'm drinking lemonade. I hate you lemonage! You remind me to things. Ugh... all this memory repression is fucking up my brainz. I NEED LIVES FOR THE MASTA.

I think that floor varnish is melting me headstuff. But it's only polyurethane!

Gods, so tired. Trying to straighten out sleep hours... only to screw them up again... weeeeeeeeee.

.nonsense.

You scored as Pisces. You get along best with the sign of Pisces. Although Pisceans can be very withdrawn, or hard to understand, they are extremely conscious individuals, and are very deep as well. Pisceans often have a very dry sense of humor. They are very mature (after all, they are the 'ELDERS of the Zodiac'), and are freakishly good at percieving the world around them, practically to the point of being 'psychic.' Few can understand the depths of these people, but the few who can remain close friends with Pisceans for a long time. Pisces 80% Cancer 75% Aquarius 75% Taurus 75% Libra 65% Capricorn 65% Sagittarius 65% Gemini 60% Scorpio 55% Virgo 50% Aries 45% Leo 15% What sign of the Zodiac are you meant for? created with QuizFarm.com

Um.. YAY... I get along with myself. O..kay.

After Toni already made plans, someone else called and I ended up going over there to watch The Grudge. Just got home a bit ago. Meoooowwww.