My dad asked me how much weight I've gained since I quit my job. Mwahaha... Yeah, I'm a fatass. :x And then I kinda furrowed my eyebrows and thought, "Pot calls kettle black. Kettle points at 'frigdge full of icecream and lard." Honestly, I know my inactivity has caused my metabolism to... cease functioning whatsoever. I'll eat one meal a day (yes, I know this is bad) and maybe munch on sweets at the most inappropriate time (before bed OH NO).

I know I am incapable of getting "in shape" as I have tried it before with little success. But I suppose I should attempt to have some routine physical activity and get into the habit of eating throughout the living day. It's so hard replacing bad habits with good ones... especially when you lack the motivation to do so. Maybe I need to do it just to prepare myself for getting back into work.

Oi... fuck. There's school to think about. If tech schools were not so expensive, I would seriously give one thought. As it is now, I can drag my feet through UK for a couple years or chance EKU (pretty campus... shitty bureaucratic BS red tape). Some place even further away would be alright as long as I could get a job and still have financial aid. I don't know.

I just don't.

I never have known what I wanted to do or where I was going in life. Suddenly, I'm very tired of it all. Every day is filled with a cycle of worrying because I know nothing else. I worry about not being good at anything. I worry about finding a job. I worry about money. Money's such a bitch. If it weren't for money, I could straight-up go to a school for 4 years and get a degree. I could live in my own place.

I'm just chattering at the wall now. I will never have the money to finish anything freely and without bonds.

I don't mind working. It's a healthy distraction from everything that is yourself when done properly. But no matter how much I work, I will never be satisfied with what I have. I will always have just enough to get by. Time is money. I should just give up and take some crappy day job, if I can find one. Cuz, somehow, I know I'll never be happy with what I've got. It's not about possessions, and it's not about anything material. It's all about time... I'm so fucking greedy with time. My time is my time, and you don't fuck with it.

Why am I like this? I think it could be all that stolen time from my childhood. All those days of sitting on the backporch because my mother wasn't home when I got out of school (sometimes my sister and I would find a window to climb through... neither of us had keys). All those times I had to go to her house "every other weekend" and she'd leave me at home or take me fucking shopping--paying no attention to me whatsoever. Every time my mother forced me to babysit my brother because she left me in the house with him OR dropped him off at my house.... The list goes on and on. I am a resentful and hateful bitch.

I'm a lazy, resentful, hateful bitch. I don't go out of my way to help anyone I don't like. Yeah, I'm cordial and courteous and thoughtful of others... but the moment I suspect they want to use me for something, I'm thinking up 50 excuses to get away. It's the trust thing, too, you see. I don't trust anyone. I'm not paranoid that the world is out to get me. I just think the world as ulterior motives. People are lying fuckbags. Screw 'em.

/end babbling.

N.O.C.I.R.C.

Yeah, I just watched that Penn & Teller Bullshit episode about circumsicion. It only reinforced how I feel about it. I advise everyone to watch the episode if they can find it. (If you have showtime and on demand, I think it's episode 27). If you're one of those people who have been brainwashed into believing it's hygienic or sanitary or whatever nonsense, the show and that website might open your eyes.

A few years ago, I wrote a paper on FGM (female genital mutilation) and the research I had to do sticks with me to this day. While male circumsion is much less cruel... it's still fucking cruel and pointless.

Even my dad jumped up in arms, defending circumsicion while I watched the show. He didn't watch it, of course. He spouted off some nonsense about it being cleaner and what not... and I felt like asking him, "How the fuck would you know if you've never had a foreskin?"

Can you imagine if we cut off baby girl's labia because it's "cleaner?" If that's the twisted logic behind circumsicion, how come this isn't done? No, sorry. It's traditional bullshit.

It's all about aesthetics, too. And, frankly, if you're worried about what your child's dick looks like more than how it functions... ugh, I'm not going to go there.

I say leave the kid's genitals alone, and if he's unhappy with his foreskin when he's an adult, then he can make a choice to have it removed.

Your Linguistic Profile:

60% General American English

20% Yankee

15% Dixie

5% Upper Midwestern

0% Midwestern

Your wise quote is: "Fashion is a form of
ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter
it every six months" by Oscar Wilde.
You are a very sarcastic person with a sharp
tongue. You may not be the one always talking,
but your mind is nevertheless critizing. You
tend to have a cynical view on life itself and
be somewhat withdrawn with who you really are.
Society now is in your eyes corrupted and you
wonder how the world will survive. And people
are in your mind very ignorant and blind to the
reality.

What wise quote fits you?(pics) UPDATED
brought to you by Quizilla

Y...Yttrium You scored 39 Mass, 10 Electronegativity, 70 Metal, and 0 Radioactivity!

Yttrium? Yttrium??? You're messing with me, right? That's not a real element. Really? If you say so. Okay... how about: You are really a solitary creature, and you're somewhat set in your ways. You work, consciously or subconsciously, towards the betterment of society, but I guess you do this by befriending it's strangest elements. You're kind of a spaceman/woman, but in the end you're allright. You should try to be with the benign weirdos of the world because, by goodness, no one else will. Oh, it says here that you are abundant on the moon. Interpret as you will.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 55% on Mass You scored higher than 1% on Electroneg You scored higher than 85% on Metal You scored higher than 0% on Radioactivity

Link: The Which Chemical Element Am I Test written by effataigus on Ok Cupid

Murrr

Happy Birthday, Toni! I am sorry I am such an ass >.> (I promise I will buy a wall calendar or something).

In other news, I have a nail in one of my back tires... which explains why it's been getting lower and lower and I've had to put air in it twice. YAY. So... I guess I'll get that fixed tomorrow n' stuff.

I just saw The Phantom of the Opera movie. Hrmm. I found it... a bit cheezy. But then, look who directed it. *cough* Anyhow, the performances were, um, good? Well, good for a musical made movie. I suppose it just didn't translate well to film. And, okay okay, I know it's a musical.... but do you really have to sing that friggin' much? There were times when I thought dialogue would have been more appropriate than singing. The very very few times there was dialogue, the actors would abruptly break back into song. To be honest, at times, I would completely ignore what they were singing and just watch. -_- I'm a bad bad viewer. I give it a C.

Now I'm going to go look up who those people were at IMDB.com, because the only people I recognized were Miranda Richardson, Minnie Driver, and the managers. Oh, and the guy from POTC.

I just happened to be in the den, folding laundry or some other equally boring task, when I turned the TV to one of the major network channels and saw the white smoke from the Vatican. Somehow, I was drawn into watching the enormous crowd as the newscasters debated the color of the smoke. And then the bells rang after the time they were normally scheduled to ring. Several minutes later, the cardinal (whose name escapes me) came out to announce that, indeed, a new Pope had been elected. Pope John Paul II's coat of arms was displayed from the balcony. Shortly after, Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger (78) emerged and was named Pope Benedict XVI. Hurray for Germany.

He did his first blessing.

It was very moving. I'm not even Christian and no where near Catholic, but it was extremely emotional. So many people gathered to see this newly appointed Holy Father.... that energy and the future crowds he will see 'til the end of his days will certainly prolong his life. Let's hope it's a good one.

As a non-Christian, I see the Pope as a holy figure and a leader for the people as a whole. His mission is a good one and should be respected and admired by all, regardless of creed. He is only a man, but he has voluntarily taken a position to guide the Catholics and the leaders of the world toward betterment and toward peace. Such a sacrifice--to give up his private life and enjoyments--is something few people could do. I get a little irritated when anyone speaks ill of that position.

He is not a god nor the saviour of mankind, but the very least one could do is respect him for having a very positive mission.

...In other news... I'm cooking this divine dish for the first time. I've tasted it before but never made it myself, so we'll see how it turns out. I'm not a chef, but I'm not a bad cook, either. The problem with this dish is... it's as fattening as it is good. Of course, anything that's good is fattening, but this dish is beyond good. For me, it's like ambrosia. I suspect that just preparing it and smelling it cook will add five pounds to my ass. But it will be worth it :o

And I'm gonna grill a steak to go with it. Mwahahahahaha.

I just got a roll of film developed that was sitting under my camera for about 2 years >.> I still have a roll inside the camera to develope, a missing roll of film that keeps popping up every few months in my room to develope, and a disposable camera to develope (which is also MIA). Anyway, this roll I got done today is a complete and utter disappointment. It's one shot after another of the coast, a river, more coast. There are a few pcitures of para-surfers way off in the distance. I'd say 90% of the photos consist of sand, blue ocean, and gray sky. Most of them are shitty, too -.- A few turned out okay.

Now I am curious what the other film will be like if I can 1) find it to get it developed and 2) finish off the roll that's in my camera with a dead battery.

I love both the film and the digital medias for pictures. There's something about film--if the quality is good--that's just more tangible than digital media. On the other hand, digital is good because you can always erase crappy photos and take more. And if you have a good digital camera, the quality can be just as good as film.

I still think that the photos I took in the British Isles were the best I have ever taken, and I am by no means a photographer. When the weather was cooperating, I got perfect clouds caught on film. Look at the sky in these pictures and tell me the pagan gods of old Britannia weren't working some magic on the usually overcast skies.

*sigh* such a shame these Florida pictures came out so awful. I'm fairly sure they were taken on the same camera... but I usually zoom in, and none of the shots were zoomed in on anything. Bleh.

Ah, the past revisited.

I was going through some old floppy disks and saving anything of value & tossing the rest. I found two IM conversations with my ex-frien'd's ex. Those of you who know what the hell I'm talking about know this would be Joey. The ex-friend would be Julie. If you've read my very early diarland entries, then you know she pretty much up and dropped me like I was no one to her, and without even speaking to be about why.

Well, it's been a good 5 years, I guess. I could give a flying fuck about her now. I mean, should I? Shit, who would, right?

Anyway, here are those chats with Joey:

Part 1--October 2000 GrungyJoes : if garth brooks is alone in the woods and a tree falls on him does anyone care? fyxation: the tree probably would, but not about him GrungyJoes: LOL fyxation: whatcha doing? GrungyJoes: trees are funny GrungyJoes: drinking fyxation: really. anything good GrungyJoes: nope just drinking fyxation: ah. I've got a headache from lack of sleep. GrungyJoes: want a beer fyxation: nope GrungyJoes: i think julie has left me for real this time fyxation: oh? fyxation: maybe if you didn't sit around and drink GrungyJoes: nope this is the first time i drank in 2 months fyxation: you ruined a perfectly good streak GrungyJoes: well considering my wife left and took my baby i think i can... fyxation: what makes you think she left? GrungyJoes: the fact she she called me at work and said she wasn't coming back.. and she packed her stuff fyxation: okay, what did you do? GrungyJoes: nothing this time.... she got mad at me because i asked her to clean house while i was at work today fyxation: are you sure that's it? GrungyJoes: yeap.... thats it... she said i was asking to much of her because she had to take care of the baby all do so i should do it fyxation: that sounds like her... so I can believe it. GrungyJoes: stupid fight fyxation: but you should have said that you would do it, but that you didn't have the time, which is why you asked her GrungyJoes: well she got mad becuase she had to take me to work also fyxation: oh really, in this lovely weather, did you expect you to walk? GrungyJoes: me and her make better friends ..... we just cannot live togather fyxation: tough shit fyxation: too late to realize that now. GrungyJoes: yeap GrungyJoes: well i was about to leave before she got pregnant fyxation: that's because you are a dawg and fuck anything that walks. GrungyJoes: hey thats not fair... we all know i have faults but i'm still not that bad of a guy fyxation: okay, so you have a weak well and blame everything on that.... joey, you really have to stand up for yourself and take responsibility for you actions. I learned that a long time ago. it's the hardest thing in the world to admit that things are your fault and not your parents or how you grew up. fyxation: well--will fyxation: and I know that julie is a stubborn bitch sometimes. fyxation: but that doesn't change the fact that she loves you. GrungyJoes: yeap GrungyJoes: well i'd love to work things out but i'm just not sure it's going to happin.... we been going to marriage counceling but she ends uo mad every time.... she wiont listen to the lady... i guess the truth hurts fyxation: and if you really love her... which I will admit, I have doubts because I don't think you know yourself well enough to decide if you're in love or not--you'll let things subside and really work on understanding human behavior, especially hers. GrungyJoes: yea i gues.. i'm not sure fyxation: and another thing... you ALWAYS have to do this with julie... her idea of compromising is pretty fuct up because she's used to getting what she wants... but here we go= whenever she asks you to do something, ask her to do something else or help you with it. if she refuses, the don't do a damn thing. you can't carry the weight of the household alone no matter the reason. fyxation: and tell her why... GrungyJoes: i try but it dosn't work fyxation: hmmm... you're just going to have to work this mess out on your own, and don't take the whiny little bitch way out of "it's not going to work out" because it can and will if you use your brain GrungyJoes: what if i don't want it to? fyxation: then what do you want? GrungyJoes: not sure anymore fyxation: okay, think about what you just brought into this world, then... one more future single parent little brat that will probably end up hurting someone someday because the statistics say so. then that child will grow up and have babies of it's own, but he'll not be in there lives like he should because he learned it from his dad. isn't that wonderful? don't you want to be this guy? fyxation: and all because he didn't want it to work and he didn't know what he really wanted part 2--November 2000 GrungyJoes: hold on this is abbey fyxation: seek therapy GrungyJoes: why is that fyxation: if you seek a relationship with joey, you'll need it GrungyJoes: oh but hes been so sweet to me fyxation: oh, but he was so sweet to julie in the beginning fyxation: not to mention, he wants to get laid GrungyJoes: well since hes met me he cleans cooks and is trying to make a home or whatever for us fyxation: he did that with julie, too GrungyJoes: really thats not what i herd fyxation: well, he used to do that, anyway GrungyJoes: i dunno but i think were gonna be happy fyxation: I'm testifying against him in court. I wanted to stay friends with him, but now I see that is not possible GrungyJoes: what are u gonna say fyxation: the truth. GrungyJoes: whats the truth anything bad i need to know fyxation: what I have already told you. and his non-existent parenting skills. GrungyJoes: he said u never were around when he was partenting GrungyJoes: parenting fyxation: I visited twice a week. i never saw him do anything with daima GrungyJoes: why are u gonna say shit man fyxation: it's not shit GrungyJoes: he said u know julie aint no fit parent fyxation: oh, like he is GrungyJoes: her parents are doing everything GrungyJoes: he cant see the baby to do anything fyxation: he lost his chance GrungyJoes: julie refuses to let him see the baby fyxation: i don't blame her GrungyJoes: i was never given it she left and took it GrungyJoes: well talk all you want but you know you done said you were going to kill joey.... fyxation: like you really cary, anyway GrungyJoes: and that will not look to good in court... fyxation: no, i said I thought about it. GrungyJoes: you don't know shit about what i care about fyxation: i'm sure me hearing joey say "I'm going to kill julie and take daima away from her" won't sound good in court GrungyJoes: well you still said you were going to kill me GrungyJoes: i never said that fyxation: no, i said i thought about killing you. i didn't say i was going to. the HELL you did. I sat there and listened to you say it, right in front of me. GrungyJoes: and you know as well as i do i went throw a lot of shit with julie... you have said so before how she treated me fyxation: like you did any better GrungyJoes: i have my faults also, but you know it's not 100% me.... and and it's not right to try to keep my child from me fyxation: i think it is, but julie will let you have supervised visits GrungyJoes: 1 visit.... fyxation: i think you're lucky to get that GrungyJoes: and i did nothing wrong and she still wont let me see him GrungyJoes: how am i lucky? it's my child also and i have just as much right to him fyxation: you're an abusive drunk. and I don't mean, physically, because I have never seen that GrungyJoes: you guys can pull all the lies you want, but you know me deap down and you know what kind of person i am fyxation: I am not lying, and that is what you are afraid of GrungyJoes: i may drink but you know i never hit her fyxation: no, i don't know that. and I will say that in court. I never saw you hit her GrungyJoes: you done said you you know that, we talked about it and you said you didn't think i was that kind of person GrungyJoes: you know as well as i do julie smoked pot when she was pregnent..... what about that fyxation: after seeing what kind of angry drunk you are, i have my doubts. GrungyJoes: when have you seen me angery and drunk...? fyxation: that's julie's bad decision. GrungyJoes: well there you go we all make mistakes.... fyxation: oh, well, the night I had to come over and watch you. I was so pissed that I wanted to "kill you." not literally... just something I said in anger. but you sat there and cussed, and tore the place up. GrungyJoes: you know as well as i do that this didn't get bad untill her parents got into it fyxation: and I did not know julie smoked pot while pregnant fyxation: it got bad when you started fucking the entire city fyxation: the only reason julie stayed with you during her pregnancy was because she hoped against hope that things would work out. she gave you a chance when the baby was born, and you still didn't change. GrungyJoes: well you didn't need to be her that night anyway... i never asked you over... and julie has addmited to smoking pot while pregnent.... and you did say you were going to kill me ... you said and i quote: you sat there with the knife in you lap thinking about it.: she never gave it a chance to change she left after 2 weeks fyxation: actually, joey, I said that to scare you. I don't even have a fucking knife. GrungyJoes: well a threat is a threat fyxation: it's not a threat when it's in the past tense fyxation: it's just a lie GrungyJoes: well.... so you said it out of anger then... fyxation: yeah. wouldn't you be pissed if someone asked you to babysit their husband because they were afraid he was going to do something stupid? you think I wanted to be over there watching you slobber on yourself? child, i had better things to do GrungyJoes: ok... well then you agree things are said out of anger,,, then let me ask you this wouldn't you be pissed if sombody took your child? fyxation: not if I was a fucking drunk that never even held the baby. GrungyJoes: and i've seen you good and drunk before.... and i've seen julie good and drunk and stoned plenty of times also.... we all have partied togather GrungyJoes: i've held him a lot and you were only her twice when he was around so i don't think you can judge that.... all you have to go on is what julie told you fyxation: I've only gotten drunk literally a handful of times in my life, and I have never once hurt anyone fyxation: julie hasn't told me anything GrungyJoes: i remeber us all messing around in richmond drunk....? whats that smart? fyxation: she asked me to testify. and I don't really want to, because it brings up bad memories of my parents divorce--being torn by two people. GrungyJoes: well you must of talk to her some if your going to court.. fyxation: why the hell do you think I got up and left to get away from it. fyxation: she called me the other night about it. she asked me if I would, and I said i would think about it GrungyJoes: well then stay out of it.... i gave her a chance to work things out but she wiouldn't we even had sex last fri. but she got pissed that sat. when she saw me at rocky with a girl GrungyJoes: ok so you addmit you have made mistakes drunk also fyxation: you're still fucking married, dumbass, why were you hanging on that girl! things could have gone a lot smoother... fyxation: yeah, but I have never slept with anyone while drunk. fyxation: or done anything else extreme GrungyJoes: yes it could if i can see my baby,,, i wanted things to wokr but julie wouldn't let it fyxation: don't get your panties in a bunch. I may not even testify. i don't want to. GrungyJoes: so messing around with you best friend and his husband isn't exstrem? fyxation: no, fucking them would have been extreme fyxation: and you're married, i am not GrungyJoes: i just think it's shitty you would bad mouth me in court when you weren't even around enough to she me take care of the baby.... fyxation: I'd be a character witness. I would tell what I know. not what I heard. you should have faith in me that i would not lie about you. i would confirm everything that you have admitted to me and to everyone. fyxation: i don't think she'll even need me as a witness, the case is so strongly in her favor GrungyJoes: well we both have cheated and don't forget about what you said about how julie treated me, you know she yelled at me and shit a lot, i'll be the first to admit i cheated on her you don't worry about me trying to lie out of that GrungyJoes: how you figure it's in her favor? she had made a lot of stupid mistakes from the start... fyxation: you were both verbally abusive to each other, but in different ways. fyxation: she at least wanted the fucking baby, joey GrungyJoes: but you know it wasn't all one sided GrungyJoes: i want the baby, and i'd like to see him, at lest i want to be part of his life, and not let my parents raise it... GrungyJoes: well i got to run.... fyxation: the only reason you want the baby is because you have seen that it is a real thing... and you now have feelings for it. but it is julie's baby. she wants it, and has from the beginning. she wouldn't have spent nine months with it, and be fighting for it now if she didn't love it more than life. I think part of the reason you want it is for your parents GrungyJoes: yea i want it for me and my parents both, i don't want to take it from her, i just want her to share with me, it's still both ours baby no matter who carried it, and you know it's wroung to keep it from it's daddy fyxation: as long as you are supervised while the baby is with you, i want you to see him too GrungyJoes: well i'm not even getting that.... and why should it be supervised? fyxation: you will get that. fyxation: and i, i don't know about the rest of the world, don't trust you with a baby GrungyJoes: when? i've missed a month of his life how is that fare? GrungyJoes: why is that, i feed him and changed him, julie didn't know shit about babys me and her mom showed her a lot? she would sleep with him in her arms on the couch.... fyxation: it's not just daima... i mean, your ability to take care of the most delicate creature... somehow, you dont' strike me as a natural fyxation: that's something all parents go through. changing a huggies doesn't come naturally GrungyJoes: and what makes julie a pro? you know she has never had to take care of her self... think she could survive without her parents? fyxation: yes, i do GrungyJoes: why? fyxation: and julie is not a pro. fyxation: because she is an adult. GrungyJoes: LOL.... she has never even worked for more then a month fyxation: has she had the time to? GrungyJoes: ok so we both had a lot to learn.... and ever body is dogging me but have i had not had a chance to be with him to learn..... she has had 4 years since she was 16 to work.... fyxation: anyhow, didn't you have somewhere to go? we'll have time to talk about this later GrungyJoes: ok cu you.... all i ask is you remeber the truth about BOTH of us.... later fyxation: bye bye

AND THESE PEOPLE BREED. T_T There's no stopping them! They just keep popping out future morons for us all to take care of... I cry now.

I'm actually somewhat tired. After lying in bed for an hour, trying to sleep, I have come to the conclusion that my sinuses hate me.

Ow.

Somehow, my brain got on the thought cycle about love. I think it started when I began thinking about all the guys I've met around 20 who all say the same shit: "I'm never getting married. I don't understand the point of having a gf... etc. etc." Now, they're young, I understand this. I usually have no advice to give these people, being celibate 'n' all. Others usually jump into to assure them that they'll understand some day and want to be married. Don't worry, son, you'll conform soon enough. Bleh.

What I'd really like to tell these people is that when they really fall in love--and I mean Agape and not that Phila or Eros shit--they'll have a clearer understanding. They'll have an even better sense when they have their heart ripped out for the first time. Well, maybe they'll never have their heart ripped out, if they're lucky. But sooner or later, everyone knows what the fuck the deal is.

It's no wonder so many men and women, alike, are completely ignorant about life and love and having a family. Look at the example around them... the generations before us of instant-gratification junkies. Meet, mate, divorce.

What I find hilarious are the older generations who look down their noses at the younger generations. Naughty, carnal sinners. Well, we are what you made us.

Anyway, I'm certain real love still exists out there. It's lacking in some parts of the world... and declining every day. How the hell is anyone to know what it is if they've never witnessed it or been told it exists? Let's get some missionaries of love and send them into the savage cities! OMG.

I could really go for some irish whiskey right about now.

Um... love. Yeah, you can live your entire life without it and not be less of a person. You can also live your whole life without trying a Cadbury egg. The question is, why would you?

Personally, I hate green beans. Don't ask me why; I just do. But I have tried them, and they're not for me. At least I know. I used to feel the same way about mashed potatoes (I am a weirdo, okay?), but my Grandma changed that.

Now, I've tried love, and I could easily say, "That's not for me," but one love might be green beans and another might be mashed potatoes. So, there's never a straight up excuse to not try love.

My head really hurts. My eyeballs are going to fly out at any moment.

"Ick, this 'love' crap tastes bad. Pass me the 'I hate everyone.'"

*listening to Funker Vogt's "Tragic Hero--Apop remix"*

It's sticky hot right now. I'm talking: no breeze, recent rain, clothes sticking to your skin hot. And I haven't slept yet. Zoom.

Okay, so, my sleep's all eratic. Nothing new. And I had a 20 oz. French Vanilla Coffee last night. Vanilla. Vaniller--that's makes me think of Daniel :o

Anyway, it's hot. I'm awake. Sweaty. >< So. I could squeeze in some laundry or something. Maybe paint. Or I could lie down and try to sleep after a nice cool shower, right?

Right. Er...

Unfortunately, I haven't been doing anything exciting lately (do I ever?). A few hours ago, I drew this in paintbbs:

/stare...
God, I suck at realism. It looks nothing like the reference I used. Not that I really care--I do like how it turned out. I guess.

So... hot...

I can't wait to see HGTTG. Sadly, I haven't read the books yet (omg I'm a noob), but I suspect the movie will inspire me to read them.

I haven't filed my State Return yet. Shit.

/babble off

I'm a bit distraught right now. You see, I have a dead rat in my lap. Before she had passed, I looked in on her and saw that she was lying awkwardly near the food and water. I scooped her up... and, sure enough, she was growing cool. So, I carried her to my room and cradled her to my chest, stroking her fur and her velvety ears. After a few moments, she was gasping... and then she died. Her tiny hind feet twitched... and her life flew away.

I'm still crying for her... This delicate little rodent that made me smile when I was sad. Yuki was always the more active of the snowball twins. She was always eager to play and out do her sister for attention. Losse would calmly lie in the shavings and let me pet her while her sister nosed in under my hand. Losse was a nibbler, too, but Yuki was the dominate one... Always trying to bathe me when she sat on my shoulder.

So, both my little snowballs have left me. I guess when the sun comes up, I'll bury her beside her sister under the rose bushes.

They were two of the best pets I have ever had. I'm going to miss them in that strange way you grieve for a pet when it's gone. That absense they filled in my life is once again vacant. I don't think I could ever replace them in that spot.

Her ears are still so soft... Two light pink petals I'll never get to touch ever again in just an hour or so.

Ain't life grand?

I got the strangest prank phone call earlier. I mean THE STRANGEST.

This guy calls around 11:30 PM and asks for my dad (obviously pulled the # from the phone book). I tell him that he's asleep. And then he asks if I have any children. He explains that he is a registered sex offender, former pedophile, and that he's looking for work as a babysitter. Now, some of you might laugh uncomfortably at this or just laugh. I think it's just wrong... even if they were trying to be funny.

I tell him I have no children, nor do I know anyone who does, and he goes on to ask if he can babysit me or if I know anyone who smokes crack. O_o; I felt like I was on Crank Yankers or some other such stupid drivel. He asks me to moan for him, and I tell him that pedophile crackheads don't turn me on.

And then there's a girl in the background shouting at him. He tells me she's going to kill him and that I have to call the police. >.> Right. So, me being Fyx, I ask if I can listen while she kills him. He doesn't know what to say to this and the conversation ends. Not thirty seconds later, I get another phone call from the woman that had been "beating him." She asks if he was trying to sell me crack. I didn't have enough time to ask her if she'd killed him yet when she said "Alright" and hung up. Oh, and in the first call, she had called him Matthew. And they both had these really put-on southern accents.

I wish I could have fucked with them more, but they just weren't playing along. :(

It was quite amusing, though, when he was asking if he could babysit me... he said he had chains and whips and gags and that I sounded hot (HAHA). He didn't sound like a kid, either... which makes me wonder just how old do you have to be to grow out of pranking? If I had caller-ID... Oh, imagine the fun I would have.

*edit 2:09am*

I forgot to throw a bit of morbid news into the diary. My rat, Yuki, has an enormous tumor on her abdomen.... She also has a smaller cyst under one of her front arms. But the rear one is... well, it's gonna be the death of her. It's pushing her lower intestines out... oh, fuck, I can't write about that. When I lean over her and stroke her little fuzzy head, she closes her eyes and looks peaceful. I think she knows she's about to die. Now it's just a question of when. The tumor just keeps getting bigger with each passing day. I'm afraid of hurting her if I pick her up. -_- Such a sweet and gentle rat... meeting one crappy end.

I just got home from seeing Sin City with Toni. It was great! MWAHA. It had just enough hokey acting in it to truly make it feel like a comic book on film. Bahhh... as you know, I never give spoilers, just my humble opinion. And I liked it. It was funny, bloody, cliche, with a little bit of cheese. The movie theater experience probably made it better, I think. I imagine when I watch it on video or TV some day... it won't have the same effect.

I haven't really written anything in a while. I'd like to say that I've been busy, but I really haven't. I'm having trouble sleeping. In those hours of lying in bed and staring at the wall, I'm growing more and more comfortable with knowing that certain things are over in my life. I don't have an open wound anymore, so much as an aching and itchy scar--you know, the kind that gets bigger on if you pick at it? That sort of thing. So, I'm trying not to pick at it. When I read over old pages of my paper diary, it's hard to imagine I actually wrote those words.

And now, I'll wrap my head around some other cycle of thoughts.

Still painting the front room. Had to scrounge up supplies... which was fun.

Nothing else too terribly exciting going on. I stumbled down the hall and cut two of my toes, if that counts for something. :D Clumsiness will kill me one day, just you watch.

I got a summer course catalog for UK. Guess I should look into that soon, before the deadlines sneak up on me. If they haven't already, that is. I doubt there is anything in the summer that I can take, anyway. And I haven't applied yet, either. Haha.

My life is so sad. It's not pitiful or horrible--just sad. :D

I watched a movie called Prozac Nation the other night. I was already bummed out and that only made me feel worse. Hurray.