I dreamed that I was trying to breastfeed a baby. No matter how I held him, he just couldn't seem to latch on. I remember something similar happening with Julie's baby when he tried to nurse for the first time.

In the dream, my brain tried to imagine what it felt like to have breasts full of milk and the sensation of breastfeeding itself. I was worried about having to rely on a breastpump or something odd like that if I couldn't get him to nurse.

I also remember feeling resentment--not toward the baby but toward the father, who wasn't present.

Likelyhood of me having a baby: -75%. Likelyhood of me having a baby without the father being in the picture: -100%.

In another dream, the house next to my sister's was on fire and it spread to her house on the wind. Everyone was outside at the time, but after I pointed it out, my brother-in-law and I ran inside to extinguish the flames. o.O; Yeah, okay....

I had some other dreams, too... One involved fleas or something, and the other was about my old friend Jennifer.

Oh, yeah, I just woke up... >.>; I didn't want to get out of bed, either, but I had to go pee. *whine* I tried to go back to bed, but my body didn't want to sleep anymore. 11 hours was enough, I guess.

This morning, I woke up to a dream in which I was shot between the eyes. Well... from what I recall, I was coming out of the theater where I used to work. All the people I used to work with were there. Something was wrong with the floors in houses 1 and 6, and I was just laughing about this on my way out. As I approached my car, there were a couple guys standing there messing with it. I notice that one of the back doors is open. For some reason, I have a small rifle with me >.>. I asked the guys what they're doing (I think there were 3 or 4 of them and they look like they're in their early 20's--sort of nerdy/trendy middle class kids who most likely listen to Jimmy Buffet and Pink Floyd and The White Stripes) and they began some witty conversation. After seeing my rifle (yeah... a rifle... I thought wtf, as well), one of them pulls a crossbow (a CROSSBOW?) out of the car parked beside mine. So, now I'm pointing my gun at this kid and more witty banter ensues. I tell him he doesn't seem like the kind of kid that wants to spend the rest of his life in jail or throw his life away or something... and he hands the crossbow to his friend and says, "No... But Jes is." Jes then shoots me right in the forehead with a crossbow bolt. I remember that it sounded like an eggshell cracking, and I felt blood pouring for about a half a second... and then I woke up.

I have such lovely dreams these days....

Those new ads from Hardees make me turn my TV off... and I don't even watch that much TV. There's something very very annoying about them which makes me violently pissed off. The people responsible for the ads need to be shot. I think it's the sound more than anything... The rustling of garbage and the loud eating... I can't fucking stand that. It's repulsive. And the narrative voice telling you it's okay to lick cheese off paper needs to die die die. As if we don't already have a nation of plate-cleaning fatasses, let's encourage them to nibble on garbage, too! Slop slop chew AGHHHHHHH!

Sorry... these ads just really bother me. Advertising in general is one of the reasons I don't watch TV.

I had a dream this morning that's put me in a bad mood through the entire dream... It's as though I'm haunted by all things which have never had resolutions. One day, they'll get the better of me.

And I had a little meltdown around 2pm... but it only lasted about 3 minutes before I stared out a window at an empty birdfeeder. Vacancy.

Guess who got a cold after avoiding their germ-infested dad for a week! It's me! It's me!

FUCK. I felt it coming on yesterday... and it friggin wakes me up a few minutes ago with a sore throat and swollen lymph nodes. JOY. I'm only slightly feverish.

I finally had my sleep patterns semi-normal, too... >.<;

I spent most of Tuesday and some of yesterday somewhere up in the clouds. Textures and tastes and sounds were all so much grander.

I also went to see King Kong yesterday. (I robbed my piggy bank for enough coin to pay for the earliest show! I'm so thrifty... right?) It was really really good, but somehow I get the feeling there's a 4+ hour extended DVD coming by the end of summer 2006. The build up at the beginning (IE the girly script) didn't really follow through with the latter half of the movie. There was footage in the preview that I didn't see in the actual movie, either (like the filming on the beach where Ann screams then you hear a roar). Was good overall, though.

If I don't feel like warmed over ass later today, my dad's taking me to see Chronicles of Narnia. Then, I get to bitch at him for giving me cooties.

Excuse me, I have to go catch my nose.

My sister got an X-Box and popped in this Karaoke game. >_> It was rather funny watching my family try to sing. Funny as in OMG MY TUMMY HURTS FROM LAUHING SO HARD. Yeah, we're not a very talented bunch. Listening to my mother sing was particularly painful. My sister could at least nail the words and managed to get the highest scores. The nieces were cracking me up. Only one of them is old enough to read, so she was trying her best. The other one just goofed off and begged for us to play something else XD. I sang (poorly) "You're My Best Friend" and (mediocre-ly) "American Woman." My dad and sister were surprised that I can actually sing -.-;

I do not enjoy singing in front of people with the exception of close friends. I dunno why... guess I'm just shy about that. Though, I have been known to belt out a song in voice chat just to annoy the shit out of people. Eheh. No no... singing is strictly for the car and my room with the music up really loud.

I hope everyone has been having a good holiday season. I know mine just got a little better thanks to Toni's gift of herbs (the magic kind). >_> mwahahaha.

My dad got me 3 volumes of Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex. Unfortunately, I'm missing one, so I can't watch the ones he got. Drat. Not having a job has severely dried up my anime expenditures in the last coulple years. I suppose this is a good and bad thing. I refuse to download anime. Meh.

Um... my tummy hurts... too many mashed potatoes.

So, my dad said something rather sad to me the other day. He said he couldn't bear to be around my mother anymore. She stares at him with hatred in her eyes... Bores a hole into him and fills him up with hurt.

It is true that in the last few years, my mother's been projecting a lot of her grief onto my dad. I know I've shared a few of the things she's said here already--how she was tricked into marrying him and such.

He said he will not suffer her around holidays anymore. She used to come over a lot to bug me, but now she just calls and tries to get me to come over because she doesn't like being near him.

So, yeah... Merry Christmas to all.

I began a LOTR marathon this morning (around 5am) after waking up with some sort of issue with my back. I dunno if I wrenched it or what, but my entire left flank is sore and I can hardly move. Heating pad and Aleve to the rescue! I was less than halfway through ROTK when I went to bed. I'll finish watching it soon.

But then, just an hour after I went to bed, my mother comes barging into my room telling me to come see something. Now, I had been asleep, so I didn't have the senses to ask how she'd gotten into the house or what time it was. All I recall is that she told me she'd gotten a new car and it was teal... something about miles and cost... And when she asked me to come see it, I said no about 5 times. I am unsure if this were a dream or not. I suspect it really happened. My mother is in debt up to her ears, living on social security.... but buys a new car. Right.

Wow. Just... Wow. I am in awe of this movie's awfulness. If you need a good laugh and have lots of fun drugs on hand (cuz you'll need the drugs to enjoy it), go rent Way of the Vampire, if you can find it. It is quite possibly one of the worst vampire movies I have ever seen, and I'm a bit of a vampire movie nut. I'll watch just about any damn thing--the cheesier the better.

But this? Holy Hell, Batman, it's fucking terrible. 1) The script must have been written by a monkey, 2)Monkeys could have acted the parts better, 3) OMFG shitty sound and camera shots.... Actually, I could go on and on and on. It was... well, forget vampire movies... it's one of the worst movies I have ever seen.

And I fucking picked it off ON DEMAND! HAHAHAHA. I sat through about 30 minutes of it before clicking it off.

The plot? Apparently, Van Helsing is immortal and vampires have been starving for years because they're afraid of him. Right. Then, suddenly, they're like, "Fuck this, let's eat!" Corny flashbacks interwoven with modern day crap. GAHHHHH... HAHAHAHAHA.

I seriously don't know how this shit gets on film, let alone TV.

In other news, Christmas. Yeah, weeee. I still have no job. ^_^ Seriously contemplating driving away 'til I run out of gas. Joyless world! My womb hurts.

I just got off the phone from a phone survey to "see if I would qualify to be in paid focus/research groups." At the end of the call, the woman on the other end asked my name.... turns out she's Jen, a girl I was friends with in elementary school, middle school, and high school. What are the fucking odds? She gave me her phone number and said she'd like to get in touch... totally fucking weird day....

It's strange the "coincidences" nature throws at you sometimes. Can't help but wonder about it, no?

I just saw the craziest thing. After going shopping with Toni, I was unloading my bags from my car in the driveway... when I heard this strange whisper. Naturally, I looked around and toward the sound. It sounded like pigeons cooing, but it was too fast. Then, suddenly, I saw a line of geese the likes of which I have never seen before. From the north, like some elementary school book, this extraordinary line of geese flew far above my head. The nose I heard had been their constant honking. It was crazy, I tell you.

It's not unusual to see a V pattern or two of geese... but this was about ten untidy V's all lined up side by side stretching across the sky almost as wide as my vision. Actually, I had to turn my head to see just how long this string of birds was. Must have been easily a couple hundred geese. I've never seen anything like it. Just thought I'd share.

It's snowing!

Once upon a time, I had a voice and an imagination. I think somewhere along the way, my voice got choked by cigarettes. My imagination got clouded by the smoke and a retail job.

I've found myself living a life not worth living. Nothing to look forward to when I wake up. I idle in my chair throughout the day and wonder if my gears will ever turn again. I reflect on how disgustingly Brave New World our world is becoming. And then I smoke another cigarette and play a videogame.

Not working for a year has turned my body and mind to mush. Tomorrow, I'll go out and fill out more applications. Once and if I find a job, I suppose that will keep my brain occupied for a while, but I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever recover any shred of well-being.

I don't write much any more. I barely draw any more. Enjoyment has been drained from all things I used to like. Several times a day, I think about the quiet and stillness of sleep. If I knew for sure that the dead dream, I'd look forward to dying... but I don't, so I don't. Instead, I end up staring into light and numbing my brain.

I used to have a way with words. I could string them together in such lyrical ways, the reader felt like he was hearing a song rather than reading a story. Then I grew up and my vocabulary ice-skated out of my head.

It suddenly hit me that I'll be 27 next year. Four months away. It's a bit early to get the birthday blues, but, holy shit, what do I have to show for myself? Oh, right, squat.

Yay for living in mediocrity.

I saw the new Harry Potter movie yesterday. It was... meh. I totally think they should have Kill Billed it and split it into two movies which coulda been released just a few months apart. But, no, they tried to crush way too much into a 2 and a half hour movie. And it was lacking so much ;; Bah... It just didn't flow really well. It was good but could have been better. Don'tcha hate that feeling?

So, I woke up with this blister behind one of my wisdom teeth. It's excruciatingly pleasant. Why, it's so swollen, I can hardly swallow. :D With any luck, it'll go away... But I appear to be in the middle of a luck drought, so it'll probably end up eating my brain by 6pm.

Oh, I was going to touch on these ideas that've been rolling about in my head, but I don't think I have the words for them just yet. Maybe later. Wee.

Yeah, remember all that I said about going to a doctor and what not? Forget it. My mom came over to day, and I couldn't even summon the strength to bring up my health. Meanwhile, she gave me an application to some little podunk store and a pen with my name on it. Heh. Ah, well. I dare say I was immobolized by some stupid force in my head that prevents me from talking about anything delicate with my mom because it makes me want to either cry or curl up and die. Pretty sucky, that.

I don't really want to talk about it with anyone. -_- I allow myself one moment of self-pity a day, and then I move on.

As much as the idea makes me want to flail around like a five year old, I think I really should see a doctor. Perhaps then this shadow will quit hanging over my head and this rock will jump outta my stomach. Intuition is such a bitch.

God, I hate doctors. If I do end up going, I hope it's something minor which requires VERY very few doctor visits. If it's not, I will cry.

And then there's the question of money. >.> How am I gonna pay for a check-up when I have no health insurance? Ugh... straight from the savings, I guess.

I'm actually kinda scared that it's something horrific, seeing as this year has been going so well for me. Feel the sarcasm poke you in the eye! Meh.

I had a dream that I went to Scotland overnight and was going to stay there for two and a half weeks.

Waking up in my own bed was hugely disappointing.

All these temptations keep whirling around my head. My money dwindling away while I stare blankly into electronic light or the wall or my whatever happens to be in front of me.

Guilty pleasures.... Lords and Ladies know I give in so easily.

You should hear the arguments I have with myself before I fall asleep. A thousand bad songs fill my head. Just trying to convince myself that there is nothing more to do... and then I end up writing messages on the shower door, begging for advice.

My dad stopped in front of a picture of me on the wall. In the picture, I was about 3 or 4 years old, wearing a frilly little dress, and sporting a bowl haircut. My dad looked at the picture, looked at me, and said, "What happened to my cute little girl?"

Story of my life.

Alright, I think I've spent sufficient time away, not that anyone noticed.

Things to report:
As yet, Rask hasn't bothered to respond at all, just like I predicted. I console myself by thinking it's one less thing to worry about and that I don't actually have to strive for anything now regarding him. Now, if I could just stop torturing myself about it... and if I can resist the urge to write to him again or read previous things he sent me... or call him. Because I'm dying to at least know what he's thinking before I throw it all away.

It's all so very stupid. Rather, I've been stupid. But I suppose that we all have our moments.

I've also been thinking about the later future, considering what I would do if faced with possibly having children. I realize this is not something I have to worry about since I'm, well, me... but time does change things. I fear my biological clock with a passion.

Gods, I'm neorotic.

I have a little Ben Franklin T chart going in my head with the pros and cons of me being a mother. So far, it's mostly--if not all--cons. Some of the bigger cons being I'm a selfish twat, I'd rather poke a doctor in the eyes than be examined by one, and the idea of having another human being totally dependent on me is terrifying. I mean, look at me... I can't even take care of myself, let alone an infant. I won't lie, either, and say I'm not afraid I'll turn into my mother and neglect my spawn. I also fear passing on my genes and seeing myself in my child. The last thing I want is another red-headed mental case walking the earth and resenting my sorry ass.

Could I love my child and be a mother? Probably. I can't say I'd be a very good mother, but I could be one, I suppose. If my parents are any example, my kid would probably wind up a bit spoiled but disciplined. I would hope they'd share a lot of my views on the world, but I wouldn't force them on them like my dad did with me. But I probably would mold the kid to be anything but like me... barring the kid's mental well-being, which is what I worry about the most.

You see, my mother is certifiable. From what I understand, her mother wasn't exactly mother of the year, either. My mother has OCD, clinical depression, and anxiety problems. She's been institutionalized three times. There's nothing quite like visiting mommy in a psych ward... where you can't even bring in a tube of tooth paste because it has a pointy container. My mom starts crying in every day conversation... like the world is out to get her.

My father is no prize, either.

I'm a nice combination of depression, over-sensitivity, and paranoia. I'm incredibly selfish with my time... lazy as hell. And I dislike myself. If I had a kid, they would grow up as I did... seeing their mother in a constant state of misery. I never want to have children who live in constant fear that their mother will kill herself. Would I kill myself? I don't know. I haven't yet, right? But it wouldn't be right to bring children into the world whom you're supposed to love when you can't even love yourself.

And there are already so many children in this world who are unwanted, uncared-for...

Hmm... I think if I ever did decide I wanted a child, I would probably adopt. I'm pretty sure my equipment doesn't work, anyhow. Maybe that's nature's way of telling me not to have kids.

We all feel this need to breed at some point. It's why we're here, after all. People even lower their expectations on a mate if they want to breed badly enough.

There have been studies that suggest that homosexuality occurs naturally in species that are over-populated. Nature tries so hard to control all species on the earth... telling them when do evolve or when to die. Populations go through bust and boom cycles. But she's having a very hard time controlling humankind. If she tries to widdle down our numbers with a disease, we make a medicine for it. She has to pull out the heavy artillery and fuck with our genes. "You, yes, you in the blue sweater. Cancer and cancer to all your children. You in the black, heart isease."

But, oh my gosh, we're so important! We must thrive! Save everyone!

And Mother Nature, wearing that look of half-amusement/half-disdain, says, "Fine. You think you can beat me? I'm going straight for the DNA."

Where was I? Oh, yeah, homosexuality occurs when a species' population is too high. This is the time when a population should go through a "bust" cycle, or be culled to smaller numbers. So, children are born homosexual, in hopes that they won't breed. They're not stripped of their need to breed instinct, but nature makes it harder for them... but we have a cure for that, too! It's called sperm-donation and surrogate-mothering! (If these studies are true, and I believe them to be because it makes sense, then homosexuality is natural. There is nothing "morally" wrong with it. Homosexuals will always be present in species that have two sexes. The only reason homosexuality ever started being frowned on was because religious leaders saw that homosexuals can't have children. No children means no future believers to carry on whatever holy word they were spewing; therefore, it must be bad!)

And children are born with less than love for life and surviving... not wanting to live, let alone bring children into the world. And children are born with many other interesting genetic problems that make them oh-so-very appealing to the breeding stock.

We'd like to fancy ourselves so important and untouchable by nature. And we get offended when she tries to tell us what to do. But I'm listening, Mommy. You put these thoughts in my head for a reason. I should not have kids; or if I should, they will be just as messed up as me and need extra work. Got it.

This is just a general message to anyone who might read this. If you have a Paypal account, and just about everyone does, please take notice.

I have been using my yahoo account for spam for years. I use it when I sign up for anything on the internet, whether it be a forum or game website or what have you. In the last few months, I've noticed a few suspicious e-mails claiming to be from paypal. Most of them, I just deleted, because I have a knack for geeky stuff like that...

Well, today, I had two very sneaky spams in my inbox. I knew they weren't really from paypal, but I thought I'd investigate just a little bit. The first claimed that someone had accessed my account from a different IP address (which is just silly because you can access your account from any computer and IP addresses change if you use a router). It contained a link which sends you to a website that looks almost exactly like the paypal site, but the address bar and source code proves it was a fraud. Also, every single link on the page wants you to sign in (it's a form which will send your e-mail addy and password directly to whomever runs the site, but it looks just like a regular sign-in).

The second e-mail, also looking exactly like a paypal statement, had a warning about correcting personal information for "security reasons." It led to a phony website, as well. This site also had fraud written all over it, but I can see how ANYONE could fall for it if they're not looking carefully. Hell, both sites were almost perfect replicas of www.paypal.com.

I forwarded both of these e-mails to [email protected] as they're supposed to handle fraud spam and such. But knowing that other people might fall for this trap is pretty upsetting, so I'm just warning you guys to look out and be more aware of e-mail fraud. Never react to e-mails asking you to sign in somewhere, asking for personal information the legitimate company would already have, or asking for information by a deadline. When in doubt, don't. Be overly cautious. And read the privacy policies for every company you do business with via the internet.

Someone said to me, "You should get your hormone levels checked before you go into menopause at 26."

hahahahaha

Which John Cusack Are You?

Sad but true.

*edit 1:17 p.m.*

I got a haircut. I got a haircut. *does the "I got a haircut dance"* Fuck long hair. Fuck it right in it's hairy ear.

Of course, I realize that my hair is now going to wage wore with my head and grow 2x faster than usual. ;; Meh...

Did I mention I haven't slept yet? And I can't because I have to help my dad move a washing machine. YAY.

Time to drop off the face of the earth again.

I'm not completely back yet... I just very badly needed a nice vent and I've got a flood of consciousness bearing down on me. Most of the time, it's just a stream, but this morning is different.

Obsession is a very delicate creature. Stroke it one way, and it'll bend like a flower stem in a soft breeze. Push it too hard, and it breaks like a dried up twig in winter. There is no in-between. Obsession is a sickness often accompanied by affection and lust. Very hard to tell the different between attachment and lust. Well, these days, anyway.

I have had my own little infatuations in the past. Somehow, they keep me going; they keep me focused. Without focus... Well, suddenly nothing matters. Sunlight doesn't matter. Babies laughing... and I don't give it a second thought. But it used to be that I would move from one infatuation to another rather fluidly.

And then, everything came to a crashing hault. No more was I obsessing... Oh, no, it was much worse. Attachment set in. Attachment and longing and other such provocative words which make the romantic in us all sigh. Thoughts and schemes and fantastic plans begain to spark in my brain. Synapses I'm sure I never used before fired and connected, turning my mind into quite the web.

I'm hesitant to name this foul event, but I guess you could call it nothing short of Love. I felt hope when my heart was still broken by a best friend severing me from her life. Shattered trust was starting to mend itself slowly.... Pain was subsiding and allowing room for warmth, maybe a twinkling of happiness.

"But it was trite," I tell myself. "Bullshit... Just another fucking fantasy."

And yet, it went on and on.

And then if stopped as if someone had mowed it down with a Mack truck.

I didn't flow into another obsession, though. Believe me, I tried. I welcomed distraction from just about any male that fancied me, if only for a second--which is strange behavior for me, because I usually shoot deathrays at boys until they leave me alone. Boys. Men don't get the deathrays... they get the specially reserved head-splodey technique. Regardless, it didn't work.

Of course, Mr. Wonderful had to return at some point. And while trust was nothing more than a distant memory for me, hope was still alive. But Hope got pissed on like she was on fire.

"Okay, this is still bullshit... For fuck's sake, move on." Move on to what? I'm too old for this shit.

A year passes... a handful of months... Why, hello, stranger. Me? Oh, I'm fine... couldn't be better. Nevermind the skeletons in my closet. I assure you they're sound asleep. No, really, do come in. "You're letting him in? Are you fucking insane?"

Ah, so that's where you've been. "Can I kill him now?" Ah, yes, I see. Oh, I've been doing this and that. Falling apart at the seams, mostly. Yeah, yeah, nervous breakdowns are good for the soul. "Nervous breakdowns? Over what? This? I'm starting to hate you as much as him now." Uhuh. Oh, you do? Really? But how could you possibly...? "I call bullshit! You owe me five bucks." I'm sorry... I'll need some time to think about that. "How about you give me 28 fucking months to ponder it? Better yet, a split second: Fuck right off."

Hmm. And then it started to fade again. Resentment easily slid in to fill the void. Resentment is like a side dish for pure, scale-breaking anger. Heh, I wouldn't be so angry if I didn't still have cobwebs of love strung all over the ceiling of my mind. Unfortunately, my brain came unequipped with a feather duster or a vaccuum. Ah... what to do, what to do...?

Well, I think I finished this problem. I'm not eager to discuss the other problem that has risen from this, though. I have a very monogamous heart. Stupid but true. It's not that my heart is loyal so much as utterly fixated and unbreakable. I am never going to get over him as you so often hear people tell each other. "Girl, you need to get over him" + eye roll.

Shove it.

Anyone that knows me knows I frown on government certified unions, but I probably woulda married him had I the chance and he weren't a complete asshole >.>

You're all thinking, "Well, thank god that didn't work out," and I nod along with you with my completely fake agreeing smile which my bosses and teachers always seemed to enjoy. I want to be happy or, hell, even satisfied with getting this over with. But here I am, writing away my woes and regrets and misgivings and demons.

I think I'd take another shoulder muscle spasm coupled with a sprained ankle over this. That shit is some pain, let me tell ya.

You know the worst part? I'll probably never get any sort of response from him; which'll just leave more roaming questions dangling from those webs.

There's nothing that can be done, is there? There is no resolution, no quick fix, nothing that will make it all right. Is there?

Okay, back into hiding I go!

The rose is dead. Shriveled up and died like so much autumn clutter. Well, things are never meant to last forever... Isn't there some literary reference about an ephemeral rose or some shit?

I don't suppose it matters.

I'm not going to write again for a while. Going on a little mental holiday. Might never come back. Dropping off the face of the planet is good once in a while. If the planet throws you a line, you know you're either wanted or someone's hungry.

If I find inspiration out there in the black, I'll let you know, but I ain't givin' directions.

I went to see Serenity with Toni earlier. <3 <3 <3 It was fucking excellent. She and I were both disappointed that the theme song wasn't in it anywhere (unless it's in the credits--we didn't hang around that long). There was only one part that made me mad. Grrr. The rest, however, very very good. No spoilers! Just go see it!

In other news... Heh, job hunting sucks. I may have to give up and take something that pays less than I am used to. Oh well, money is money, right? If I hear back from Best Buy (oh, the horror), I'll take it. Sad. Oh, well, I worked there for five years without killing anyone.... and I figure management has changed a little since I quit there, so things will slightly better(?). If I don't hear from them, I guess I'll turn to the newspaper again. Sick of putting out applications.

I broke down and re-applied at Best Buy today. If anything, it's income. And I need money badly.... sick of spending my savings. Money has never really been important to me. Actually, it's only important when I don't have it.

So, if I get the job at Best Buy, I'm going to be saving money up like it's going out of style to rebuild my savings. Call me crazy, but I like sitting on money. I've always been super-thrifty, anyway, so it shouldn't be that hard. For now, I'm just hoping I get the job.

I have a few things to take care of before I can really begin saving. Gotta fix my car, get new glasses, maybe be dragged kicking and screaming to a doctor. Maybe. Bleh. :x

Getting off my ass is the top priority, I suppose. Today, I'm cleaning my dad's LIVING room so that it actually looks livable. Mmyep.

*Listening to Deep Forest, "Will You be Ready?"*

Job-hunting sucks.

I have a million thoughts bouncing around inside my brainpan. Problem is, none of them are worth catching and peeling open.

Aside from that, things are pretty static. Um... I completely forgot what I was going to write. Maybe it'll come back to me.

Because Winamp is psychic, it just starting playing "Where's Your Head At?"

I keep watching FF:AC, and it keeps getting better... every single time I watch it >.>;;;;

So, hmm. I went to bed at 8pm and woke up at 12:30 because I heard something. I couldn't get back to sleep after that. *cry*

I still feel yucky. I avoided going out last night because I don't want to be bothered. I was nagged greatly on the phone -.-;; They should know by now that nagging me doesn't work. I am nag resistant. If I could bottle it, I'd make a fortune.

Great... I'm up at a fucked up time... and I want to sleep, dammit. I guess I'll play some Aria of Sorrow to ease my poor brain into a zombie state (if it's not already).

Another pointless entry brought to you by Fyx.

*drools over FF:AC*

Apparently, I didn't knock the wood hard enough. My dad's car... the brakes went out. Luckily, he is unharmed. He's also taking 100 bucks off rent for putting me out so damn long. Yay. -.-

Advent Children... sooo ... pretty.

I've been up since 3am, so I'm going to go pass out now. Hopefully, I'll wake up at a non-retarded time tomorrow.

My shoulder/neck is stiff and hurty.

I finally have my car back to myself! (Oh please oh please let my dad's car not having something else wrong with it *knocks furiously on wood*)

This means *gasp* I will have to go put out more job applications n' stuff. Perhaps wake up in the morning... -.-

As for sleep, I had plenty yesterday, thanks. I slept from 11am to 10pm. I'm feeling a bit wilted now. Actually, I'll probably pass out here in a bit. Being awake is such a bother. Friday night? Who gives a fuck, really? People are working or incommunicato. And it's not as though I have any pocket money. Speaking of money... rent ;;

Maybe, if I sleep deeply and thoroughly enough, I can forget everything that's happened in the last month. HEY, fuck this optimism crap. It's not working. I know things.

You ever feel like maybe you're living in a horribly written Twilight Zone script that got crumpled up and tossed the trash before anyone even got a chance to read it? No? Me neither.

I go to bed, read, then decide to get up and check online because something in my gut tells me to.

Well, I'm trying not to be overly pessimistic these days. In fact, I'm quite neutral about everything. Whatever will be, will be. I have a surprising amount of patience and intuition with the going-ons of others.

In the last few days, a few people (like the one I described before) have been pouring out their problems to me. All I've got left as this point is blunt honesty, so if you are thinking about dumping some dirty secret on me... please, think twice, for I might tell you to stick your secret or confession or story up your ass.

I'm going back to bed shortly. I have a headache, yet again... and I'm out of asprin and tylenol. Yay.

This stuff is a tingly, stimulating... uh... nipple thingy I forgot I had. I think I got Kuroiko watermelon flavor for her birthday last year. Mine is "Sun Ripened Strawberry." It makes an exciting lip gloss. >.> No, really.

I dunno... I thought it was interesting enough to share.

Ugh... why does my stomach hurt? Goddammit. Stop stop stop. I think I really need to drive off to a park or something and just sit under a tree for a while so I can screw my head on straight.

Gods, I've had a perpetual on-off headache for the last few days. It's really fucking annoying.

So, just a little while ago, I was goofing off in my silly FFXI... cuz I really had nothing better to do, as it was late and sleep was far from me. Out of the blue, one of the guys from the LS starts pouring out all his problems to me.

Let me just make myself very clear here and write that this sort of thing happens to me ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

You know what some people say about names? There is power in names? Well, I guess that shit is true because Samantha is Aramaic of "listener." I literally listen to people's problems or whatever they might have to share with me every day. It's like there's a cosmic neon sign above my head that reads, "Tell her." Well, fuck me in the ear, I don't want hear what's wrong with you today.

I guess I am a natural mediator/therapist/whatever. I accept that totally. People always have and always will come to me for advice or comfort or wisdom on shit they don't understand and need the opion of someone else for. Fine.

But you know what my problem is? Every single one of these people that has issues far beyond my capability of easing believes that they are alone. Woe is me. I'm all alone. Well, guess what.... We're all alone. Each and every one of us. That's our common thread, which makes us NOT all alone.

I understand that. Most of them do not. Or somewhere deep down, they want to be alone and unique and special.

Heh, I guess that's a big reason I like the show Lost so much. Every character on ths show has some sort of sordid story to tell, which subconsciously or not makes them feel alone.... when they really aren't. If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend picking up the DVD collection of season 1 and watching it before season 2 starts. That's my plug for the day.

Now back to ranting about people....

This guy went on and on and on for hours. He drinks 6/7 days a week to bury his problems. He has anger issues. BIG anger issues. And he has feelings of inadequacy because he really wants a girlfriend or sex or both, but he's yet to have that. There was only so much I could say to him. Mostly, I just let him get it off his chest. I suggested he get real help because he seems to have real problems, but he gave up excuses like they were buy 1 get 2 free at the market. I hope he does seek out help and some outlets for his rage. I hate not being able to help people when they obviously are asking for it....

HEAD HURTIES.

Maybe I'll try to sleep now.

*listening to VNV Nation, "Homeward"*

...As fleeting dreams still linger...

I am such a total cunt sometimes. And I've really got to stop punishing myself for how shitty people have treated me in the past. I have super low expectations of others and myself, yet I still manage to get hurt by the dumbest shit. It's strange because I normally have a thick skin about trivial things.... but the important things pierce right through my tender parts.

And then there are times when I say things I should not. Of course, we all have these moments. But I have an instinct for saying things when people are at their most vulnerable which I know will either hurt them or make them hurt me. This fine art was passed on to me through both my mother and my father.

Did I ever tell you the reason I was born? I'm sure I have probably mentioned part of this story before, but it's come into my mind for some reason. Probably because my mother told me the story again recently.

Once upon a time, my mother married my father because he made her feel safe and he threatened to move away. A few years later, my mother had a daughter, though she never wanted to have children. A couple years later, she miscarried a child. And then another. And then she gave birth to me so that my sister would not be alone.

That's it. That's why I was born. And my sister doesn't even like me, and the feeling is mutual.

I don't know why I feel like shit right now. I suppose my brain has had another dose of estrogen or some such, and it's caused me to get all maudlin and filled with self-loathing. Yeah, that could be it. Or it could be that I dreamed about Zillah last night. It could be that I haven't been sleeping well. It could be many things.

Heh, maybe trying desperately not to let myself get hurt is catching up with me. A fuse has blown in my head. I'm not sure. But something is blooming in my heart--some little flicker of motivation or hope or what have you--not for someone but for myself, maybe? I can't tell you. If it can survive my dark days, it might just have a chance of some day blossoming into something greater. We shall see.

I have nothing interesting to write about anymore. Nothing worth sharing, really. Some things are too personal to go spilling out just yet and are probably too boring to bother reading.

My mother won't leave me the fuck alone. I think she's lonely, she thinks I'm depressed (which is amusing because if I talk to her about my problems... we wind up talking about her problems within 2 minutes), and she thinks I'm the only one that gives a crap about her (which might be true).

*Deep Forest, "Will You be Ready"* Very pretty song.

So, I'm trying to pick my humanity back up off the floor. It's like sweeping up ashes with a dustpan. I can't quite collect every last bit that's stuck to the carpet or floating around the room. It'd be easier just to wash it all away, you know?

Will you still sing out in ecstasy
To know that while you live
Only love can see deep down inside
Will you be ready
Will you be strong?
Throw the love away

What a waste....