Alright, people. I am off tomorrow (Tuesday) and Wednesday. I have presents to distribute.... YOU WILL GET THEM. Or something.

My bronchitis is clearing up nicely. I'm still congested as fuck, but not nearly so much in my chest. Thank the stars. I still feel like I have peas jammed in my ears and can't hear very well, but it's better than not being able to breathe.

I watched The Libertine last night. My poor brain is still recovering from that one. Shouldn't have watched it while super-exhausted, but I couldn't quite fall asleep yet....

I'm fiddling with Shoutcast. Sorta. Maybe. Well, it works, anyway.

In another testimony to my mother's insanity, she came over the other night to give me portraits of herself. These studio portraits include herself and her cat, Boots. Wow.

can't breathe can't breathe think my brain is cracking doobie doo

I just spent over 2 hours, lying in bed, listening to myself wheeze. I can't get enough air to feel comfortable and fall asleep. Bronchitis is horribly fucking annoying. At times, it's like a permanent asthma attack. If you've never had either, imagine the biggest elephant you've ever seen doing jumping jacks on your chest.

At first, it's not painful... just so bloody annoying that you want to stab yourself in the lung to open another air passage. But after a while, the lack of oxygen becomes painful. Your tongue begins to ache as though it's being pinched off at the start (not the tip). Coughing physically strains everything in the torso and up. You can feel the blood vessels in your eyes and face near-rupture with the force. So, it's better not to cough, but to breathe shallow and listen to each wheeze. The difference with asthma is that there's fluid.... with bronchitis, there're only chunks of mucous which break up from time to time and make their way up and out of the bronchi, which brings on more cheerful coughing fits. Got it? Good.

I left work early yesterday because I was miserable... little did I know it would triple. I am so fucking tired right now that I can hardly think straight, yet I'm unable to fall asleep. The congestion gets worse when I lie down, it seems. I regret not picking up some guafinex or whatever the fuck it's called which is usually what's prescribed for this but can be found in most cold/cough medicines. I wonder if I still have that bottle of crap I got for my last cold.... I suppose the search is on. Not much else I can do at 4 in the morning as my lungs sputter inside my chest.

You know what I hate most about being sick? It makes me lonely. I wish I had someone to care for me when I'm feeling like thrice run-over roadkill.

*ninja edit*

It's now almost 11am. I think I managed to nap for 4 to 5 hours before waking up coughing. I am deadly tired and getting grumpier by the minute. Called into work and had to nearly choke myself not to yack up a lung on the telephone. -_- I couldn't find that cough medicine. Just called my dad at work and begged him to bring me something when he gets off work... that's... about 5 hours from now. JOY.

I think it's funny how out of all the dysfunction in my family... mine is that least mentioned or even noticed. It's true that I mostly keep to myself. The few times I have tried to talk about my general feeling about life, I get the brush off or the redirect. Guess it's only natural that I don't talk since no one is really listening.

Where was I...? Ah, yes. Family gossip. It's mostly my mother who perpetuates this crap, and I tire of hearing about my sister and her delusions. I'm trying to summon the ability to care... at least for my nieces' sake, but fuck it.

Aside from all that drama, all that's going on in my life is work. Days of misery divided by all-too-short off days on which I sleep or clean or do absolutely nothing. Plastering on my neutral work face as I walk in and frantically tearing it off as I walk out.... Sometimes, it's horribly difficult to keep that neutral face from cracking. Violence stirs behind the eye sockets and boils away all shreds of patience and sympathy I have. Things like that go out the window when you work somewhere that makes you unhappy and the people around you make you unhappier. All for the mighty dollar, right?

I wish I were a bigger risk taker and could just take out a student loan and do something with my life... that could at least get me a desk job. For some reason, the thought of being in debt frightens the shit out of me, though. There's also that nagging suspicion that my happiness would not improve after the fact. I'm not afraid of the possibilities... I'm afraid of the failures. Fear of failure is engraved into my bones. You can blame my father for that one.

You know, I've worked retail before... But if I make it out of this holiday with what small fraction of sanity I have left, I will be amazed. 3 more days... Christmas... then more work. If I weren't so desperate for the money (and for something to keep me busy), I'd be horribly tempted to drive across the country and shoot random.... goats.

If I could muster the strength to ruminate on the shit people will pay money for.... Nah, I'm too tired.

*listening to Fictional, Blue Lights*

My head hurts so fucking bad right now D:

For some reason, today feels like a Sunday.

The replacement tablet I got works fine. I'm always weary of ebay, but everything seems in order. I tried to draw the other day, mostly to test it out, and my hand was shaking all over the place. Most of the junk I draw is crap in my eyes... but sometimes, years later, it looks perfectly fine to me. I don't think I've drawn anything on paper in months.

Anyway, I'm giving more thought to going back to college. (Have I mentioned this?) If I can work and pay for it at the same time, it might be plausible. Trouble is, I'm still not sure what to focus on. BA seems to be the most approachable for me.

Morgana is starting to go downhill fast. She is 15 years old.... won't be long before I have to bury her, too.

Hurray for morbid thoughts.

Nothing horribly important to write about has come up in a long time. Pretty much all of my time is consumed by working and sleeping. The other sparse hours of the days are filled with the occasional OnDemand TV, videogames, reading on the internet. If I'm lucky, I read a little paperback in bed before passing out.

Most of my Xmas shopping is done. Still need to find something (probably a gift card) for my mother. Not quite sure what to get my sister and brother-in-law.

I've been very subdued lately. I bought myself a digital camera, and it brought me material happiness for about a day. Haven't really touched it since. I should be saving money, so I suppose the buyer's remorse has something to do with that.

Don't you hate it when you're puttering along, going through the routine, when suddenly your brain decides, "Hey, today we're going to feel like shit for no reason?"

Dissatisfaction at its best, ladies and gents.

Haven't really had the time or motivation to post any observations or stories lately. Today, however, I have a bit of happy news for myself (which I have so desperately needed because I've been in a bit of a slump lately).

Upon dragging my feet into work, I hear a page for me to dial the manager's office. My first thought was something along the lines of "Oh, shit, what have I done now?" So, rather than call, I walk back to the office, clocking in as I go and peek into the office.

The manager over electronics says, "I've got a position available in electronics, but it's only temporary through January... and you'll get a forty cent raise while you're over there, but not when you move out again."

"I'll take it."

HURRAY. I hope that I can be placed there permanently, somehow. Electronics associates are less likely to be pulled to cashier, which is pretty much all I did today and it made me want to shoot myself in the foot just to draw disability.

I have my schedule for this sat-fri and the week after that and a tentative one for the week after that. The hours are fucking awesome. All day shifts (all 9 hour shifts--1 hour of which is lunch). 3 days off per week instead of 2, and I'll still be getting the same hours I'm getting now.

So, I'm very very pleased. My original schedule was pure and utter shit.

As a side note, screaming babies and toddlers are becoming more and more frequent. I swear I'm not imagining it. And hearing babies cry, scream, whail, etc. makes a primal part of my brain want to yank them away from their neglectful/inconsiderate/dumpfuck parents and tell them everything's all right. Everything isn't all right, of course, since these babies are doomed to grow up in the care of people who think children make great accessories/paychecks.

I know that babies cry. They cry for a lot of reasons. They cry when they're hungry, lonely, need to be changed, want to be held, don't feel good.... They don't cry for no fucking reason. Disciplined toddlers don't cry for no fucking reason. Why is it, then, that so many of these idiotic customers just keep strolling around like nothing's going on while their kids scream like scorpions are eating at their eyeballs? Is ignoring it really the best method of dealing with it? Would it really kill them to pick their kid up out of their little portable babycases and hold them for a minute? GOD NO! MUST SHOP!

Those little things you see people toting babies around in all the time really get on my nerves, too. I forget what you call them, but they are meant to hold the baby while in a car. Not at home... not for hours at a time, anywhere. The ones people strap on their shoulders are a step up for convenience sake, but they're still awkward. I'm not some hippy into attachment parenting, but there's this little thing called common sense. Common sense tells me that babies should be held since they can't get around on their own and they are defenseless.

Bah... I'm rambling. If you leave a kid in a little portable cradle, it's still defenseless and it's still going to feel that way. Babies need security and reassurance. Am I right?

Last night I had a dream about you
In this dream I'm dancing right beside you
And it looked like everyone was having fun
the kind of feeling I've waited so long

Don't stop come a little closer
As we jam the rythm gets stronger
There's nothing wrong with just a little little fun
We were dancing all night long

The time is right to put my arms around you
You're feeling right
You wrap your arms around too
But suddenly I feel the shining sun
Before I knew it this dream was all gone

Ooh I don't know what to do
About this dream and you
I wish this dream comes true

Ooh I don't know what to do
About this dream and you
We'll make this dream come true

Why don't you play the game ?
Why don't you play the game ?

Daft Punk, "Digital Love"

Urghhh... is it wrong of me to be sick to death of hearing about other people's mates? The first few times... it's totally swell, and you think, "Good for them." But after a barrage every damn time you see them, it gets a wee bit old. Sometimes, I just want to cover my ears and scream, "I don't hear you. La la la." Perhaps they have nothing else to talk about? I don't ask for a lot of depth in people (well, just my friends), but FUCK talk about something I give a shit about. I don't care if Pookieface hasn't called you today. Direct your worries outward in another manner. Hell, take up writing! Works for me.

I've been thinking a lot about the past, my history, and other dreadful things. It's led to some heavy journal writing and introspective bullshit, but hasn't really resolved anything. Drudging up memories that were safely filed away in the "do not remember" cabinet probably isn't wise, but neither is working in retail.

If I read my schedule correctly, I'm not working on the Friday after Thanksgiving... which is just... astonishing. I must have read it wrong.

I've started watching Dexter. Actually, I watched episode 2 several weeks ago and something about it hooked me. So, tonight, I watched episodes 1 and 3. I've also become addicted to Heroes. And then there's Lost... which I really don't know what to think of anymore. I really miss the writing style of season 1. You know what's really funny about all this TV I'm watching? I'm usually not watching it on Television. :x I'm usually at work when this stuff comes on, so I have to watch it either OnDemand or on the internet.

Ever walk into a room with a mirror, see yourself, and wonder who the hell that person is in the reflection? This happens to me a lot. Sometimes it takes several seconds for me to recognize myself.

There were a lot of interesting things from work I was going to write about tonight, but I've already forgotten what they were... so they must not have been that interesting, after all. I do, however, remember one guy rubbing his nipple as I came walking toward him. A coworker. It did put a huge smile on my face.

Yeah, I work with a bunch of sluts. I write that generally, of course. In general, they're sluts. Not that I'm on some moral highhorse or anything. Good for them. As long as they're not procreating, more power to them. But I'm sort of at a loss for words when they babble about their encounters which seem to mean everything to them and so very little to the rest of the world.

One woman was talking about how she was going to fuck another coworker A until she found out from coworker B who'd already fucked him that coworker A has a tiny wang.

Another girl (who's addicted to Mexicans), was following around this Mexican guy in the store because she couldn't tell if he was a guy she'd slept with before... She couldn't recognize someone she'd fucked. She went on to tell me that she found out this guy was married after she fucked him. She's married, too, but separated (like that means anything).

Eheh....

Hmmm. My mother tells me that my sister is giving thought to divorce. I'm sorta glad my sister hasn't spoken about any of her "problems" with me, because I might find it necessary to punch her in the face. Aside from her being a selfish twat, I don't see what's wrong with her life that can't be made better by, oh, I don't know... trying? Loving husband, check. Two beautiful children, check. Enough income that if spent wisely could sustain them all for years to come, check. It doesn't bother me so much that she's fallen out of love with her husband, if that's the case. It bothers me that she's interested in another guy--with a history of not being able to commit/cheating. It bothers me that she's got 2 children who are going to be torn up if she fucks things over. It bothers me that she's turning into our goddamned mother. HER. Ms. Perfect. Ms. "I'm better than you."

Our entire lives, she's held a grudge against our mother for being such an awful parent. I'm sure she swore up and down that she'd never be like her. She's never fully reconciled with our mother (I haven't, either, but I accept that my mother will never face her real demons). My sister has always thought she was better than us. Better than her own family. Ashamed of them, even. But inside, I always knew she was sick. People often wonder what I have against her or why I'm so uncaring toward her.

She's cold. We're a little over 4 years apart, and she's been cold my entire life. From our fucked up childhood to our distant adolescense to our adulthood. She never cared for anyone but herself. I still vividly recall coming home from school with a giant, bleeding gash in my leg. My dad was still at work and she was all I had. Her reaction? Without even looking at it, she said, "You'll be all right, you big baby." I've still got a scar from that, and not just on my leg.

I cried at her wedding. I was actually bursting with happiness for her. Am I to understand that happiness wasn't real? Or was it only temporary?

I almost wish she hadn't had kids.