currently: depressed

*listening to David Bowie's "Sorrow"*

Throughout most of the weekend, I could feel myself slowly going downhill. By yesterday evening, I made a pit stop on Dammit Ave and just cried. Chemically induced madness is a bitch.

What's responsible? Guilt, unworthiness, and want. I feel guilty for loving. I feel unworthy of loving. I hate wanting.

*"Don't Bring Me Down" comes on*

I couldn't sleep last night because my brain refused to give these thoughts a rest. Back and back again I dove into these pathetic, atrocious little thoughts.

If I let go, maybe forever, I know my disposition will not improve. What's left to do? Go back into hiding.

I'm terribly lonely. By nature, I am a quiet and introverted person. I like having time to myself. But not forever. Not like it's getting. I rarely see my friends. I do nothing on the weekends. The only time I leave the house is to go work or school. Spending so much time alone is only making me hate myself more.

*"Where Have All the Good Times Gone?"*

Now, I say to myself, "Self, you're only twenty-three. You've got many years ahead of you yet. Stop dwelling on this bullshit." And then I think, if this is what my years are like so far, I don't want those many years to come. I'd rather curl up in a ball and stop breathing. And believe me, I've tried that.

If college is supposed to educate, then why do I feel like my intellect has diminished? I swear, since graduating high school, I've become a complete moron. I have no wit. I know the same amount of crap I knew my junior year in high school. Maybe a little more useless information scattered here and there in my wetware, but I'm sure I've lost some useless knowledge from the past. So, that makes it about even.

I watched this special on the Discovery channel about sharks. It was called "Air Jaws" and basically documented the strange behavior of the Great Whites preying around a particular island near Cape Town. It was fascinating. It made me think of my old grammar school days, when I'd check out every shark book in the library and memorize all the shark names.
I wonder if the Discovery channel still has Shark Week....
When I was a kid, I wanted to be the next Eugenie Clark (The Shark Lady). Now I don't know what I want to do.