currently: scribbling

*listening to Delerium, Poem*

I should be in bed by now. But since I stayed up til 5am yesterday (talking on the phone to someone...), I'm unable to rest just yet.

I've been thinking a bit too much about old friendships today. It made me think of Julie, which is always a bad thing because it gets me depressed. I recalled when we first met, and how I would ride my bike over to her neighborhood just to play with her. I thought of how her moving to Frankfort didn't really separate us as friends. I thought about how she was influenced by the people there and how it changed her for the worse. I thought of all the "if only's." I still think about the "if only's." And I wish so much that my heart hurts.

I sometimes wish I'd never met her. I wish others are lucky enough to never meet her. She turned out to be one of the cruelest and sickest people I know.

And here it is, a year and a handful of months since she stopped talking to me.... and still, I wonder what exactly made her erase me from the blackboard of her mind. Try as I might to not care and to forget, the thought is still there, gnawing at me. I don't suppose my heart will ever heal.

There's an overwhelming lack of love around me. So much so that just hearing someone say they love me makes me want to cry. I want to cry now just thinking about it. I'm sorry if it sounds as though I'm in zoloft commercial.

I do try to think about what I have to be happy for. I do. And for a second, I can attempt to smile. But it's hard for a romantic to try and live for something other than love. And now that I'm daily fed a little love, I can't help fear being without it again. And yet, when it goes into slumber, I'll not try to replace it.

Maybe pain will be enough to blind me, maybe resignation will comfort me for the rest of my days. Only time will tell.

I can't play these mortal games. I set only one goal... and it is enough. Everything else that the media tells you is a lie. You don't need a shiny fast automobile, you don't need an exciting and high-paying job, you don't need anything that requires so much effort that it eats away your life.

*listening to Live, V*

Hell, yes, I question everything. If you think for a second that something is not quite right, it probably isn't. Why do people just dismiss, ignore, or accept things which they know do not promote growth?
Growth beyond big skyscrapers, satelites, anything material.

I give the fuck up. I'm going back to my cave now. Samuel L. Jackson and I will be talking about Valentines.

I liked that movie. Caveman's Valentine.

currently: pooped

*listening to Tori Amos, From the Choirgirl Hotel*

I just got home from inventory. =/ My head hurts.

I have nothing else to add now.