currently: have a headache.

*listening to primal eyes remix from the Parasite Eve soundtrack*

I love the piano theme and all the precussion.... so lovely.

So, anyway, I think I bombed my Anthro midterm. And I studied. Believe me... til I was nearly bored to tears. I took a nap before class and have had a headache since. Guess that was not a very good idea for someone with a sleep debt. At least now I can stop stressing about that midterm and move on to stressing about the Lit one. Some ungodly amount of essays to write for it; some take home, some in class. Each 2-3 pages. How I'm going to come up with that much BS in two days, I have yet to uncover.

I wish I could have continued with my Japanese studies; with all this work, it's impossible. I'd also like to take a college course in German, but I guess it's unnecessary now that I have some foreign language credits.

My body is worn out by the stress of the passed week. My shoulders/back are killing me. I swear to the deity of mammary glands, if I had the money and no issue with doctors, I would get a breast reduction. What the hell does a celibate person need with tits, anyway? Leave me with enough that I won't get cancer from hormonal imbalance, and I'd be a happier person than I am now. It's no wonder I had a major muscle spasm a few months ago. The combination of stress and inactivity made me tighten like a knot in the dryer. It was the most pain I've ever been in. I have an extremely high tolerance for pain, but that made me cry for nearly three days straight and hardly sleep more than an hour per day. If that. I didn't know what was wrong. When it first began, I thought I was having a heart attack. Then, somehow through my delirium, I realized it was on the wrong side of the body. So, I lie on my back for about 4 hours after it started, waiting for my dad to find me. The sheet was soaked beneath my head by tears that had streamed from my face, pooled in my ears, and eventually spilled onto the bed. I didn't make much noise through most of it. Sometimes, when my father was on the other side of the house, I'd lie there mewling at the ceiling and choking on my tongue. Took me three days to convince him to take me to a physician. I don't know why--I PAID FOR IT. I'm still bitter about that. The doctor gave me a nice shot of pain killer in the hip and some equally nice prescriptions. In an hour, I was wandering about a drug store waiting, very very out of it, for my drugs to be filled. After the shot wore off, I had to contend with the pills. One made me sleepy and sick to my stomach. The other, I had to take with food. And the pain was only dulled... but at least I could feel the muscles in my back loosening. I missed more work, because I was barely able to function, much less drive or do my job.
I used to like the phrase "Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional," but now I don't find it so true. I suffered for three days silently... then finally said, "you take me to the fucking doctor or I'm going to walk there screaming like a banshee." I suffered even after I got the drugs. Sometimes, you just can't stop suffering. You can't tune it out. I tried a thousand times a day to smother the pain under my other thoughts. I thought about how grand death would feel compared to what I was going through. I lost my mind and got it back again over and over.
I really hate thinking about that pain. I'm surprised I didn't get liver poisoning from all the tylenol I inhaled that first night. I guess I know now that I'm capable of dealing with even the most extreme pain. Well.... the whole fish hook thing doesn't look appealing to me, but if I were inclined to that sort of thing... I could handle it without blinking now.
In sort of a tangeant, I look forward to getting more tattoos. I have yet to decide where on my person to get the next one. While I got the kanji on my leg, I read a tattoo magazine and didn't twitch a bit. It felt like I was being written on with a fine point pen. I've heard it feels differently on other parts of the body, but I've cut damn near every appendage or expanse of space on myself and wasn't hurt by it. Sick, indeed.

I'm rambling. blah.