i am in shock, so forgive me if this is somewhat unreadable.

my mother called around 9pm or so. she said she needed me to come pick her up at the hospital in an hour. she wouldn't say why. 3 hours later, she calls and i drive downtown to pick her up. i walk up to the doors and see her sitting in the er lobby.... her left eye is swollen shut. i enter and walk up to her. there's blood all over her jeans, her eye is red and covered with ointment, there's a cut on her forehead. she's disoriented from pain killers and wearing a green nurse scrub shirt. i'm speechless. i drive her to the other side of town to a pharmacy that's open 24 hours. she's mumbling now and then but still won't tell me what happened. I get her prescriptions filled and take her home. she doesn't have her house key. I have to force open the fence around her backyard because she thinks she left a window open. she goes back to my car. the window is open, but it's 6 feet off the ground. i hop on a chair and pop out the screen, bending it beyond repair. i pull myself in, scraping my elbows, and let my feet find the floor in the dark. i open the garage door and pick up her mini pincer to keep him from running out. she comes in and finds a leash so i can take him outside. minutes later, i'm inside and somewhere in this time frame she admits that my brother attacked her. there's blood all over the floor. everywhere. it's a blur. she pulls her shirt from a white plastic bag and it's covered in blood. the house smells like blood. she says she liked that shirt. i lose it. i cry hysterically for a moment then hug her and let her pat my back as she tells me he didn't mean it. he didn't know what he was doing. she makes up excuses. she lets me go and tries to clean up the blood on the forier floor. i keep telling her to leave it. deal with it later. after saying this over and over she finally stops. takes her pain killer with some crackers and lies down. i read her the notes her doctor made. contusion, head injury, see an optimologist soon, possible torn tendons in her shoulder. she refuses to wear the sling. blood everywhere. i stay with her a few hours. i can't stop crying but I'm not hysterical anymore. just in shock. i lock the dog up. read more of the notes. watch her put ointment on her eye, her forehead, and a stab wound on her shoulder. i feel like i'm going to throw up right now. part of me wants to stay there but the smell of blood is hurting me. the sight of her is killing me. i lock her doors and tell her i'll call her when i wake up. i have to drive her to wherever my brother is tomorrow to bring him clothes. i don't blink once as i drive home. i can't stop crying. my brother is only 11. he's fucked up beyond belief. he tried to kill my mother. he tried to kill her. i could have lost her. i cannot think. it hurts too much. so much blood. my mother's blood. everywhere.

it's 4 something now. . I am trying to think straight. I called Justin. I had a feeling he'd be up. i didn't really know who to call but I had his number on hand and I knew he'd be able to say something to me that would calm me a little bit. i dunno. something about the piscean brotherhood. i just wanted to hear someone's voice. to know that i'm not alone and hallucinating everything right now. that's some damn way to reconnect with someone. let them hear you bawling like an infant. fuck.

complete and utter chaos. i don't know what to do, what to feel, what to think. I'm trembling and numb at the same time. so many chemicals swirling through my blood stream. i dunno if i can sleep. it's late so I have no one to talk to or turn into a puddle on. all I can do is sit here and piece together words. i'm burning up. and i'm smoking too much. i wanted a cigarette so bad as I was driving home from her house.

stopping now