Well, that was interesting. o.OI was having a fairly good night up until I made the mistake of logging into AIM at Lonelyfox's house. I don't wanna go into it; suffice to say, the gods are using me for target practice.
Aside from this, I got pretty drunk.
An odd note to throw in is that my mother called me right before I left my house. She said, "Be careful. I don't want anything to happen to you. I love you." That's the first time she's ever said that to me, to my knowledge. I told her I loved her, too. It's making me go all plebian just thinking about it.
*Duran Duran, "Come Undone"*
Fuck, I'm completely sober but my mind has been so viciously raped that I can barely maintain my calm facade.
It was good to see Justin again, at least. I didn't mesh well with one of his "friends." She was rubbing me the wrong way all night. I have a hard time tolerating pretentious bitches who love the sound of their own voices. But I managed to remain neutral as she bantered on, pretending she knew everything that was wrong with his life and the world. Would it be easier to say she talks a lot of shit? That does not nearly do justice to the amount of tripe that pours forth from this woman. I use the term woman loosely. She's one of those people who appear nice and kind and maybe even concerned on the surface, but then she opens her mouth. Perhaps, it's just my natural loathing of people that begin sentences with "I love him to death, but..." She must have used that simple phrase twenty times last night. I felt like screaming, "Shut the fuck up! The more you casually say that, the more I want to vomit on your... sweater? What the fuck is that thing, anyway? A rag?"
It's a bad bad sign when you can tell you don't like a person even when you're drunk. Generally, I like everyone while intoxicated.
*Deftones, "In the House of Flies"*
So, what am I going to do now?
It's been about 24 hours since I've eaten anything, and I'm not particularly hungry right now because the gears in my mind are turning so fast.
Drive the dagger in deep. Twist it.
Remind me to never fall in love again. While you're at it, remind me not to dwell on it. Remind me not to cling to a shred of hope that things will be better. That makes it hurt more.
Yes, I need a vacation. I wonder if my dad's got any tymeshare time I can use. I just want to get away... alone. I want to stare blankly out a window until my eyes glaze over and the sun sets.
3 Libras
threw you the obvious and you flew
with it on your back, a name in your recollection,
thrown down among a million same.
difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed
and passed over
when i've looked right through
to see you naked and oblivious
and
you don't see me.but i threw you the obvious
just to see if there's more behind the eyes
of a fallen angel,
the eyes of a tragedy.
here i am expecting just a little bit
too much from the wounded.
but i see through it all
and see you.
so i threw you the obvious
to see what occurs behind the eyes of a fallen angel,
eyes of a tragedy.
oh well. apparently nothing.
you don't see me.
you don't see me at all.
APC
Will I be able to sleep better not being able to assiciate a face with that which haunts me? eyes of a fallen angel, eyes of a tragedy
*Rasputina, "Translyvanian Concubine" a Mariyln Manson remix*
Wow, I've been babbling for 45 minutes. And I haven't really said anything. Such is my curse -_-.
Transylvanian Concubine. You know what flows there like wine.
5:00pm
*listening to Deftones' cover of "No Ordinary Love" and Tori Amos' "Do It Again"*
I'm not sure what to make of anything that happened while I was intoxicated. Maybe it was all a dream. I'll imagine some of it was. I think from here on out I'll be the DD.
Cruelty to the girl in dark blue jeans
Wishes left un-whispered
And furtive grins under alcohol softened eyes
Say you swear
Say you won't do it
Again and again
All that was floating here
Like dust in a beam of sunlight
Temporary, Darling
Blow me away
Silky-tongued devil, you always made me smile
Behind blue eyes, do you see the transgressions of a saint?
*puts on De/Vision*
Why am I listening to fucking music? And why am I writing like a beatnik on crack?
Is it jealousy? HAHAHAHAHAHA...
Hey, it's not me. Jealousy doesn't look good on me. I've known for quite a while that I'm not the girl at the finish line. I'm more like a water-bearer along the way. Here, have a sip and keep on running. Strive for that ultimate goal.
Oi... the romantic bullshit has got to stop. >_< Look where it's gotten me thus far!
10:08pm
currently: 
up for a game?
*listening to Rasputina, "Cabin Fever!"*
Yeah yeah yeah yeahhhhhhhh.
Did I mention the drunk, old pool players hitting on me as I was leaving the bar last night? No? Well, EWW. Did they seriously think I would get out of my car and come up to their truck? Would anyone have? Dirty old men... yuck. Stopping wiggling your finger at me, you goat! UGH. Drive away! Drive away!
There's something very unwholesome about people that believe they know you after hardly any time at all. But that, as they say, is another story.
My brother is still in the hospital. My sister and I are sort of hoping that he remains there or somewhere similar to protect the population. My sister's already decided he's not coming anywhere near her home for the rest of his life. Not that I blame her; she has two daughters to think about. As for myself, well, I do not look forward to seeing him again. I'm sure all I will be able to think about it, "You tried to kill our mother. You tried to kill our mother. You tried to kill our mother."
I haven't told anyone about what happened other than my close friends. It's not exactly easy conversation. I tried a couple times to bring it up with Larry at work, but I just couldn't. And it's weighing heavily on my heart.
My relationship with my mother is so very delicate and bizarre. The very little I've brought up before here or with friends doesn't even scratch the surface of the how warped my childhood was. Of course, everyone's childhood was somehow disturbing (at least, I'd like to think so, so I'm not completely alone). Should I be happy that I have a mother at all? Even if she hasn't been there, really? Yes, I'm happy. I'm not content... but I'm glad that I at least have someone to call mother.
Perhaps this is responsible for my over-protectiveness of my friends. I'm trying to correct my own childhood by replacing the mother I never had. I can only believe that for so long. Psycho-babble is too general and should not be believed as a whole. There are truths... but there is also bullshit.
And a lot of it.
we all float down here