I feel drained. I just wrote this really long entry in my hard copy journal, and it was exhausting. I was trying to be completely honest with myself. It proved a painful task.

It's time to let the real world, the worries and the fears, rest for a while.

Again, I work at 6am. Again, I welcome the distraction from all this thinking.

How do you feel?

8:30 p.m.

*listening to Econoline Crush, "You Don't Know What It's Like"*

It seems everything I feel doesn't mean that much, in the end. Or maybe you just don't care. I tell myself that I'm prepared for the worst. But what I'm really prepared for is absense. I could live without you for a little while. But that's all. If one of us should run away, I'd only be safe for a little while.

I feel like nothing at all
I feel like nothing at all
I feel like nothing
cuz you don't know what it's like

To run away... well, that's okay. You run, I'll hide. I know what I feel. I know it's real. Wish I knew if you know what were real.

Won't you tell me what you're afraid of? What do you want? Make it easier on yourself and tell me. Because you're beginning to make me doubt... doubt that anything you've said before was true. Part of me will never doubt. But I think you're trying your damnedest to make me. You should know now that you can't make me stop.....

trust in my self-righteous suicide
i cry when angels deserve to die

2:12 p.m.

currently:

I was lying down on the floor in my room when this vision came to me:

I pushed a blade into my throat. I bled on the desk, the keyboard, everything. I was in an ambulance--barely kept alive. I was in a hospital. Blood was being pumped into my arms, but I kept yanking the tubes from my skin, spraying blood everywhere. I was strapped down to the bed. I was looked upon by strangers, and I looked away from them.

Well, now, there's a happy little ...uh... whatever. What the hell was that?!

12:28 p.m.

currently: nothing imparticular

moi'der v.i. drudge; wander in mind. -v.t. confuse.

misog'amy n. hatred of marriage.

masochism n. form of sexual perversion which delights in endurance of pain.

fallow a. plowed and harrowed but left without crop; uncultivated.

_________

I had a strange dream that I was of a Phoenix clan (or something) and was running through a building, trying to take down people of other clans. We were distinguished by color. I remember tackling and wrestling several people in stairwells to prevent them from getting to this woman-child who was the Phoenix (I think). She was going to summon the power of Phoenix, but the people of other clans were trying to stop this or kidnap her. It was very odd. At one point, I was fighting with a man in a narrow stairway and managed to kick him into an elevator. I ran up the stairs to the roof, and I felt he was right on my tail again. So, I tried to protect the woman-child. I found her in a small storage closet and turned off the light inside, hoping the man following me would overlook it. I was about to engage in battle once more, when the closet exploded with an orange aura. The man was walking toward it, ignoring me, when the door flew open and the Phoenix emerged. She glowed like she was afire. I'm not sure what happened to the man after that. I think he might have disintegrated. Anyhow, I found that my POV had changed, and I was looking down on the Phoenix and myself. The aura somewhat had the shape of an actual phoenix bird. (it reminded me of a Final Fantasy summoning). The End

Why do I feel like nothing in the past few days has been real? It's been one big hallucination... it had to be.

On the shore, he turned to me and pushed a lock of hair from my forehead. A queer grin was on his lips, but it didn't reach his eyes. His gaze drifted to the sea, and we looked out at the lapping waves. I walked into those waves, letting them wash over my feet and ankles and legs. As I tilted my head back to look at him, I found that he his face was over my shoulder. His was not in the water. He put his hands on my shoulders and pushed off, seeming to float upward. Above the sea, he hovered. I closed my eyes and walked further into the water. When it had consumed my arms, I looked back up. The sky was empty save some clouds far away. And on I went, gliding into the salty depth until it swallowed me completely.