I envy those who do not have time to update their diaries.

I have time. Time is all I have, it seems. Hermitting away, avoiding social functions at all costs, does grow dull at times. My friends, so few these days, must think I live another life entirely--for surely no one can hide away as long as I do. Ah, if only I could trust again.

I think celibacy has alienated me, too. Our culture is so fixated on carnal delight, and in the same frame, frowning upon it. I'm outside of this frame. Usually looking on with a half smile and furrowed brow. It's almost comical watching the sexes romp, feel ashamed, and romp again.

*turns on VNV Nation, Futureperfect*

In 5-6 months, we will know if my path is true. Sooner than that and the game if forfeit. Later than that.... well, that's an impossibility. No one has that much patience. Myself included.

This will be a great struggle, I know. I must begin to lay the groundwork for my future. Much money will be spent and much time will be lost... but if it clears the way for a chance at happiness, I am willing to commit.

I know, I am babbling. I am trying to assure myself that I am capable of doing things I've always failed at before. You try doing that sober. I feel like the Little Engine That Could.

"I think I can. I think I can."

I also feel like a mouse trying to push an elephant up a slope. The elephant happens to weigh 6 tons and has BO. And the top of the slope is in the clouds.

I still don't have enough clarity. I will seek it where I can.

6:09 p.m.

currently: headbanging

*listening to Godsmack, "Bad Religion"*

Religion is a sensitive subject, isn't it? Well, my own is... difficult to define. The last time I took a test (it's waaay back in the archives, and I don't feel like looking it up), I was most closely matched to Buddhism. Yeah, whatever.

Religion interests me. It fascinates me, I should say. I've absorbed so much over the passing years that I consider myself a mesh of beliefs. I used to dabble in Wic, but it proved too new-agey for my taste. I'm just a traditional witch. Not a neo-pagan, crystal-gazing, tree-hugger (though I do like trees).

I have known people of many faiths and taken knowledge from each of them.

I love the old gods. The native American, Norse, and Greek deities. When I said I mumbled to the gods, I was not referring only to the forementioned. Gods, to me, are ancestors and guardian spirits--what some Christians call angels--and old powers that have taken residence and name in divinity.

I do not dare approach the soap box to proclaim one faith over another. I believe religion should be individual; therefore, I frown upon heavily organized religion. Any time religion begins to have rules, it loses its original purpose.

I do not worship. And I don't think it is expected of me.

Hmm... this is getting terribly hard to put into words, so I shall drop the subject.

Another 6am shift tomorrow. Lucky me. *puts imaginary gun to head and fires imaginary bullet*

Rask said that my diary sometimes makes him sad. So, from now on, I will put a bold warning (such as this: warning: incoming depression rant) before any major spill of brain goo. I never intend to make others feel bad. This is my catharsis, so excuse me if it gets a little heavy with doom and gloom.

2:06 p.m.

currently: doko e ikimasho ka?

*listening to Nine Inch Nails, "Burn"*

kwik noat:

I like it when the gods hear me mumbling at night, because sometimes they give me answers or point me in the right direction. I don't usually mumble to the gods. But lately, it's provided me with a little sense of relief.