currently: nothing is wrong with me

*listening to Delerium, Odyssey*

All is well with my world. I accept that I cannot have what I want. Boy, that's pleasant.

I've got a nasty habit of fixating on things that are never meant to be.

But today was an okay day. I wasn't unhappy or depressed in any way. In fact, the chemicals in my brain are working some strange magic right now that's made my appetite for pleasure sky rocket. Read whatever you like into that.

Then, in the calm, a ripple of violent jealousy surfaces... followed by self-loathing because I have no right to feel jealousy. Damn these all too human senses. Damn me for thinking I could cope with them. And just like that, the wave is broken. I wade toward the beach and get the fuck out of the tide before it pulls me under.

I could easily come the the conclusion that I am a prisoner that's not quite prepared for the outside world yet. If ever. But, I'm supposed to be good and optimistic and feed myself bullshit, or the world will call me a coward. Fuck the world. Sorry, I'm short on vocabulary tonight.

I have days when I want to sever all my ties with everyone I know and wake up on the other side of the world. Some place quiet and unpopulated save me. I guess there's always an urn. The final resting place.

Reading that, I'm painfully aware of how non-suicidal I am. On the same token, I'm not afraid of dying. I'd have all the peace I want, after all. No, I'm not suicidal. I simply don't want the human life. I don't want the kids, the house, the job, the retirement pension. Yet here I am, in this human body with this human mind and these human fingers tapping on a human contraption.

I think I'd have made a better insect. Short lifespan, one goal, little thinking. Too late to ask for a relocation now.
Any suggestions?

I need isolation, sensory deprivation, a good thwack to the head with a 2x4.

And strangely, I'm in a good mood.