currently: in a writing mood

*listening to A Perfect Circle*

*le sigh* I am bored. And sorta tired. But I had a really nice sleep, even though it was only 5 hours or so.

The little plants I am growing are doing well. I'll have to pot them soon. ^_^ Just basil, cilantro, two kinds of lavendar, and mint... But it's neat to see my thumbs turn green.

On a more serious note, I've always been self-conscious about my looks. Not in a vain, ooh-look-at-me way. Afterall, I never give a shit how others see me. But when I look in the mirror, it's another story. When I was younger, I'd sometimes put on face paint just to walk around the house in. Anything to not look like myself. I used to dye my hair every shade of the rainbow, and I still would, but work prevents me from doing so. I've never been comfortable in my own skin. No matter what I'm doing, I'm aware of the things I cannot change in myself. Who would ask to be born with red hair, freckles, and hollow blue eyes? And who's brilliant idea was it to give me blond eyebrows? And what's with these tiny hands... just like my mother's. And speaking of endowments handed down from mommy--I'd like to know why a celibate retard like myself was given these huge mammary sacs. You'd think after 23 years, I'd have grown to accept these traits. No, they still annoy me.

Feeling somewhat shallow now. But everyone around me appears more attractive than I find myself. Why should it matter if I'm attractive or not if I'm celibate? I should be rejoicing in the fact that I never have to please anyone's eyes. I don't know. I guess I'm getting senile. I'm not sure what I want anymore. I'm tired of being noticed for the most obvious things. If one more stranger calls me "Red," I'm going to buy a shotgun.
I'm working on braces as my next financial waste of time. I want them. I've wanted them for a long-ass time, but only now can I afford them. My dad was laid off right before I should have gotten braces. I don't think orthodonists accept food stamps. So, I never got them back then. My parents were tapped. Nevermind my sister got them (bitch). There were a lot of things I didn't get... typical middle child of middle class America.

At times, I wonder if my looks are what initially got me on this strange path. My memories are badly blurring together, and I don't recall anymore most of my personality developing years. Suddenly, here I am, this person without a solid identity. I never got to be the teenager I saw in my friends. I was trapped in this inert state of witness. All I could do was observe the world around me, and I suppose I remained there so long that I don't know anything else. And any time something tampers with this state, I go a little mad.

I never dated. At 10 years old, I decided I didn't want to have anything to do with people. There was no god, and nothing I was going to do would amount to anything. I even tried to exclude myself from friendships in middle school. That didn't work. My old soul couldn't keep my mouth shut long enough for that. And then, things became more chaotic. I lingered on the astral plane more and more and communicated with the living less and less. That's faded into the background now.

Underneath it all, I'm still seeking unity. Waiting for fiction to become reality. But the cynic in me knows it will never be. I really have given up hope. I give it up when I open my eyes in the morning. I give it up when I look in the mirror.
I guess I wasn't given much positive reinforcement as a child. Who am I kidding? I wasn't given any. Maybe it was too much effort to say "good job" to me when I did something right. Today, that's why I question anyone who says anything good about me. I can never believe them. I cannot hear compliments because I'm too used to criticism.

Okay, enough of that for now.

I began updating my address book, which led me on a search to find out which addresses are incorrect. I've deleted a few contacts that I've lost over the years. Sentimental me actually frowned as I did it. And then I discovered something through a contact of a contact. The delightful ex of my high school compatriot Justin. Why she was with him... I'll never know. In any case, she confirmed that the address I had for him was still correct (which made me swear his name under my breath because the bastard has ignored my e-mails for the past few months, it seems). So, what did I discover? Why, the sly little puppet has his own diary here in diaryland. lonelyfox. I raise my eyebrow at the "fox" part. He always behaved more like a puppy when I knew him. Shitting on the rug when he was upset and all. Whining for a bisquit or treat constantly. But someone dubbed him "fox," and I guess it's more flattering than puppy, so he accepted it happily.

I read through his diary. All 8 vapid entries. And sadly, it made me glad that he's ignored my e-mails. I cannot come up with the proper words to describe why.

The other foxes in my life are the ONLY foxes I need in my life. And they're genuine foxes... not some just by name sake. Kuroiko, my little black fox. Rask, my chibi brown fox. Truly clever and sneaky are they.

*lisening to Boa*

Anyhow, his diary made me realize how much I've changed since high school. And to think, I once called him friend. Now he's nothing more than a shadow in the doorway. And I can hardly remember why I ever welcomed him there. You wouldn't believe some of the things he said to me. I have some of them saved on a disc somewhere. If I were so inclined, I would post them here.... and I may still, for I don't have anything holding me back, and this is my cathartic adventure. I don't care how incriminating it would be toward him and his holier-than-thou image.
He confused me for a long time. Well, truthfully, he played a big part in distracting me from my witness state. He made me come out of my shell to protect him from the world. And what a job I did... just look how fucked up he is now. Unlike many of our common friends at the time, I never fell in love with him. I was too subjective. I favored him, yes, but not in a romantic, idealized way. As psychic vampirism goes, we were quite the little parasites on each other.
From what I've read, he hasn't changed in that department. Some part of me still wants to mother him and take pity on him. But he's too far away now. A shadow in the doorway....

I thought I could guide and save one soul. I know better now.