currently: nani?

*listening to the hum of the computer lab*

I'm in class right now... and all by myself, since it was cancelled. I could have taken a longer nap if I'd only checked my mail (to get the message from the instructor) before leaving.

Well, I did check my main mailbox.... and in it was an interesting message from Rask. His since-childhood friend took him out this morning and admitted to him that she wants to spend the rest of her life with him. Their relationship is very close. He tells me time and time again that he thinks of her like a sister, but I have always suspected more.

It's only natural.

Sappy me didn't really have time to absorb it 'til I got in my car and started driving to class. I actually began to cry... that confused "I'm happy for him, but... feel something else" cry. I shed tears a lot when my heart's happy for someone.
Like at my sister's wedding. I couldn't care less about her, but seeing her so happy made me blubber like an ewok. (esoteric phrase... just move on.)

I think it's partly due to the fact that I'm a little envious. If I could be that happy, the world would be so much more bearable. Actually, it's all I want. It's all I've ever wanted. I never wanted to face that for me, it could only be found in someone else's arms.

Or maybe I'm just going slightly insane since I've been corrupted.

And now, I'm damaged forever. I don't think I'll ever be able to go back to the person I was. I went 22 years without saying "I love you." Once said, I meant it.... but I'm starting to regret it. So foolish.

Foolish.
Foolish.
Foolish.

I have a feeling I'll be listening to a lot of Cure when I get home tonight. And maybe for the rest of my life.

Just my luck I'd develope feelings for someone with a fairy tale love just waiting for a climax. I wonder if it'll end with, "and they lived happily ever after."

Grrrr.... I'm alone, so, of course this is all I can think about. 35 more minutes. Then, I can numb my brain with math.

My eyes are steadily filling to the brim. If eyes can do that. I'm still not sure exactly why. The thoughts inside my head are racing extremely fast right now. My chest's doing that weird murmur thing.... "I'm going to beat. No, I'm not. HA! I tricked you! I am!"
damn muscle.

*smacks self* stop crying! YOU FUCKING GIMP!
I'm not crying... I'm dying on the inside
Well, do it some other time. You look like a moron.
Wahhhhhhhhhhh!

I give up... we're fuct.

None of this would be having an effect on me if it hadn't been the thing consuming most of my thoughts for the last 4 months. Before then, I was sitting on the fence.

Oi. Just shoot me now. Put me out of my misery. I'll throw in a tip if you cremate me and scatter my ashes some place interesting. Like the highway. That's about as interesting as I deserve.

Oh, shit... here we go... One way ticket on the train to depression. Pack your suitcase, brush your teeth, pick a nice seat by the window. We're about a billion light years from happiness, Fyx, and we're going in the opposite direction. So, don't look back, whatever you do.

Let everything go that is not yours. Let him go.

Okay, it's 8:21pm now. I just got home from class. And despite crying all the way through Tool's "Sober" in the car... I'm a little better now.

I fucking hate having revelations. There's nothing worse than suddenly realizing you're a damned idiot.

*listening to Delerium's Karma*

I'm in the mood for passive suicide. *lights a cigarette* smoke 'em if ya got 'em.

It's going to be a long night, and a long entry, cuz I'm going to sit here and convince myself that this should not be emotionally fucking me up as much as I'm letting it. Where to begin...?

Okay, I have been celibate all my life. I've come to accept that on some level, I am incapable of loving anyone. In the sense that couples love--boyfriend/girlfriend, gf/gf, bf/bf, what have you.
There's a chain-linked fence with barbed wire around that part of my brain. I put it there. The world maintained it. No pair of metal clippers in the known universe can get through it. But a chain-link fence has holes, you see, so I can still look through it. And I do. Often. So, sometimes, I put on a blindfold. And then, some people come along and pull it off. They mistake it for mystery and just have to see what's underneath. Once free of the blindfold, they weave their fingers into the fence, trying to turn me around and look through it.

What a pathetic metaphor. I deserve two bullets for that.

8:48pm

now: manic depressive

*listening to the Cure's Wish... and it's quite loud*

And you laugh and you laugh....

Fuck it. *lights another cigarette and grabs a DRINK*

I'm gonna go through this 4 pack of alcohol and maybe finish off my cig pack, at this rate. But, damn, they both taste really good right now. And I have other alcohol if this isn't enough.

Don't you love it when you get to see the worst side of a person? Well, here it is, folks. My worst side. The bottom of the barrel. *curls up in fetal position*

Once I start going down, there's no stopping me. I keep going until I reach the bottom, and I stay there. The clich� downward spiral. It starts with something bad, then the weight of realizations nudges it on and on. My self worth is about -10 right now and slipping. I thought about wrapping my car around a tree on the way home from school. Free me from my possessions, my obligations, myself.

oh, gods, don't cry....
squeeek
why are you crying, what did I say?"It's just rain," I say, brushing my tears away.

Leave it to you to insert Cure lyrics in a conversation.
fuck you

*empty bottle #1*

Drag me out with you forever. I don't mind. I'm a masochist, obviously. Funny, I never asked to be.

Maybe I'll just sleep it all away. That's my favorite escape.

mmm. bourbon. and icky bourbon, at that. I should be plastered in no time.

Sad, sad ol' me. I never drink. But this calls for drinkin' if drinkin' was ever called for.

I went a pretty good measure not being depressed, I have to say. Sure, I had my ups and downs and turn-arounds... but this is a nice little nose-dive into self-loathing. The most pitiful-don't look at me-leave me alone kind.

mmm good, my fingers and face are getting all warm and distant.
*shot #3, empties bottle #2*

If I grow to be an old woman, I'm going to be the crazy cat lady down the street. And I'll dress up as the wicked witch from The Wizard of Oz. Every day.

I apologize if my typing skills go downhill from here. I'm sure you understand. Pah.

wahh.. the cd is almost over... need more... soothing music.. wahhh. *shot #4* eeee!

I have to keep track so I don't overdo it.

Did anyone notice I changed the font? probably not. =/

to wish impossible things

*sits back in chair and stares blankly at the screen* Rask is IMing me now. I need another drink.

ssssstop loving me. ssssstop loving me. i am none of these things

what would i do without Robert Smith?

feeling heavy with liquer now. it's mighty nice compared to how i felt earlier. i see the reasoning of some alcoholics. but i don't think this is a good way out.

sweet moon, so far away, what advice do you have for me?

shit. the cd's over, and I'm sick of writing.